Today I’m answering a question from a newbie escort. She’s just starting out and, understandably, she’s researching how to stay safe. “Bad client lists” are one of the resources available to escorts, though their usefulness is widely varied depending on the type of list, whether it’s maintained by a for-profit business or by volunteers associated with a sex workers’ rights organization, and the geographical focus of the list. Here’s her question:
Hi, Annie.
I hope you are well.
I am reaching out to you specifically because you have such a great explanation for screening on your website. I am a newbie in Toronto hoping you will take a minute to keep me safe by sharing any blacklist type sites you use for screening clients (besides TER, P411 and getting references). I am thinking of paying to get access to the National Blacklist and wondering if there are others.
Essentially, I really don’t want to run into any aggressive types that could hurt me.
Thanks for being a shining example of “doing things the right way”. I hope life is treating you well.
And my answer:
National Blacklist – Serving the .01% of the Escort Community that Pays for an Overpriced SubscriptionFuck National Blacklist. That site hasn’t been relevant in like 3 years (at least).
Plus, I don’t now anyone who has ever paid for a membership. And it’s not cheap–I think it’s downright comical that they’re charging $20/month or $150/year, considering the fact that there have been a total of 8 posts for Toronto this year, and 8 last year. And that includes a post about a client who was “annoying,” a post about one who “sent a dick pic,” and a post warning that a guy is a “no show” who “stinks of B.O.” (can she smell him through the phone?). Then again, I can only see the first few words of each post, so it’s possible that those guys really are dangerous in addition to their obnoxiousness, dick pics, and disagreeable body odor. But I’m not paying $20 (to a company that hasn’t updated its website in at least 5 years) to find out.
And that’s the problem with this type of site. Unless EVERYONE has access to a site like that, it’s pointless. Any provider can be victimized by a bad client or a cop, but if she doesn’t have access to this list, you’ll never know that it happened. I think that it was once possible to add names/numbers/etc. even without a membership, but even so, since it was of so little use unless you actually paid for a membership, nobody really bothered with it.
That’s the biggest problem I have with paid blacklist sites–even if a lot of escorts DO pay for access, they’re always going to alienate the most vulnerable among us: those who can’t afford a membership, or who don’t have a bank account, etc.
There’s a site called VerifyHim in the US. It’s a paid site, and they use misleading scare tactics to convince providers to sign up, and I’m not giving money to a company that does that. But *a lot* of providers love it.
Honestly I don’t know of any blacklist sites that would be worth it. A few years back there was a free site called ProviderBuzz, but it disappeared very suddenly and without explanation. I’m guessing they got sued for libel. It wasn’t public–you had to first prove you were a legit provider before you were granted access, but I can still see how someone could argue that they were the victim of defamation due to accusations posted on the site.VerifyHim.com – Enter your grandmother’s phone number. See all the warnings from escorts she’s raped! You need our service! Oh wait, just kidding, that was just a demonstration of what you *would* see if your grandma raped escorts. Thanks for the $$, though!
There’s BadBoyReports.com, but again, I don’t know anyone who uses it. And I’m not sure who runs that site, but it looks like anyone can make an anonymous post about a client. And that’s great because any provider, regardless of her financial resources, can warn others about a bad client without worrying about the risk to her reputation. But that also means the site is open to submissions from anyone–enemies of the client, angry girlfriends or wives of the client, providers who, for whatever reason, want to prevent a safe, respectful guy from seeing other providers, etc. Everything on that site is published publicly, so a simple Google search of the client’s name will bring anything on the site right up, so I don’t think it’s too farfetched that someone seeking to humiliate a guy might put him on that site.
Even when they do work, the problem with lists like these, at least in the US (I don’t know how this works in Canada), is that the owner of the site is, at least to some degree, responsible for the content on the site. As you can imagine, there aren’t a whole lot of people who are willing to take legal responsibility for what providers might post about clients, nor are there many people who are willing to be the target of a “bad client’s” rage when he discovers he’s been blacklisted on your site.
Some providers use the providers-only section of local forums to exchange info on clients. For example, in my area, there’s a “Providers-Only Infoshare” section of ECCIE New Orleans where providers can post about clients they’ve had bad experiences with. Usually, this means he was dangerous, a thief, or a cop. However, it’s moderated by “hobbyists” (plus one provider), and posting the guy’s real name or contact information is prohibited. So, you see posts like,
“Do not meet with this guy; he’s a rapist:
D**e B*r*e
(504) 2*5-**42
*d**rs4*8@gmail.com”
The provider must obscure letters and numbers so that the guy’s identity remains hidden. Because, after all, even rapists deserve anonymity in this business–having his identity revealed could ruin the poor guy’s life!!!
You can send the provider who posted that warning a direct message requesting the guy’s complete info, of course. But that system only works if you’re constantly on the site, watching for those posts, and the guy happens to be contacting you around the same time. Also, you’d have to check every single area’s local Providers-Only Infoshare forum, contact each provider for the full info on the bad client, etc.
If that works for the providers who use that resource, that’s great. But for me, it’s pretty useless.
Mugs, a project of UK NSWPIn the UK there’s a project called National UglyMugs run by UKNSWP where providers can post warnings about dangerous clients. To my knowledge, we don’t have anything nationwide like that here in the US. I’m not sure what Canada has to offer. I would suppose it has a lot to do with the laws in each country and how they could be applied to something like this.
Some places have private “Bad Client” email lists they circulate via email. You might want to check with any sex worker organizations in your area. Maybe Maggie’s Toronto? Oh damn, I just checked. They have something called “The No List.” You should contact them to get access. I would definitely use that resource if I were you, but only in addition to other screening methods.
Honestly, I trust my own screening much more than any of these lists. The absence of a guy’s name on a list doesn’t mean he’s safe, and good screening will filter out most of the guys who providers eventually make reports about. That said, if Maggie’s Toronto is maintaining a list, get access, and use it! Don’t waste your time or money on National Blacklist, though.
As some of you know, I’ve had a pretty harrowing month. My dog had a cancer scare and had to get 7 masses removed, my car had to go into the shop, I had to remove some asbestos siding from a rotten, termite-damaged exterior wall of my house so that I could have workers come to rebuild said wall, etc. All said, it hasn’t been terrible; it’s just been busy–and emotionally difficult because of the whole dog thing. And I was actually supposed to have a contractor come to start on the Next Big Thing yesterday and finish up by this coming Monday, but Bret and Cindy have delayed that until next week. As of right now (about 2pm on Wednesday), they’ve dropped the Tropical Storm Warning for New Orleans, and we’re only on a Tornado Watch and occasional Tornado Warnings, so I think I’ll answer this question about problems a client might have with the booking form on an escort’s website, and then I’ll go help my friend move.
Hi Annie: My question is advice on the following: I have seen companions before, have a P411 account with multiple references and always do my homework and select my companionship carefully, so what to do when: a woman catches your eye, you read her site & are familiar. You get to the booking form and discover 1. She “strongly prefers men over age X”, and you either aren’t close or are like a year or two away, what to do especially if you’re really interested because she seems special. Or 2: She requires employment info to complete her booking form that you don’t have i.e. work number & direct extension, or link to work website with a a page with your photo, but you have everything else. Thanks for the advice.
Josh
Hey Josh! As a matter of fact, I’ve been thinking a lot about booking forms on escort websites lately. Actually, let me extend that to include booking forms on all adult services providers (pro-dommes, FBSM (full body sensual massage), pro-subs, tantra providers, etc.) websites. Coincidentally, I’m having my own problems with booking forms at the moment. But first, let me address yours. I’ll start with your first question, since that one is first, and chronological order is sexy. What? Shut up, just go with it.
What to Do When an Escort Prefers (Slightly) Older Men
Your specific conundrum: “You get to the booking form and discover…she “strongly prefers men over age X”, and you either aren’t close or are like a year or two away.”
Let me just say that, as long as you’re over 21, age ain’t nothin’ but a number for me. But I understand that’s not the case for many, many ladies. Lots of escorts have age limits, and that usually means “no clients younger than age x”; in fact, ALL providers should–no one should be willing to meet with a client under the age of 18, obviously, and I think it’s smart not to meet with anyone under 21, just in case drinking is involved. However, as you’ve noticed, there are a significant number of providers who have a lower age limit of 30, 40, or 50. And I’ve known escorts whose limit was even higher.
In my experience, it’s usually one of the following reasons:
The escort does not feel comfortable with very young men for personal reasons.
The escort would not feel comfortable on a date with someone significantly younger than she is.
The escort doesn’t want to be intimate with someone in the same age group as her children.
The escort has a thing for older men.
The escort believes that men under a certain age aren’t likely to be as wealthy as older men, and she prefers to see clients who will ultimately become reliable regulars.
She has some other reason for not seeing men younger than X, and it’s none of our business.
I understand that this can be frustrating for a younger guy. Age isn’t something you really have any control over, and young guys can be amazing clients, too. But when you’re dealing with intimate services provided by another human being, it’s inevitable that their preferences will be a barrier to entry for some.
If it makes you feel any better, keep in mind that, in the world of dating and intimacy, younger guys often have an advantage over older guys. It just so happens that older guys sometimes have an edge in this one.
So, what’s a younger guy to do?
Well, let me start by saying it’s not all on you. In my opinion, if a provider has a “minimum age” policy, she really should state that outright so that younger guys don’t waste their time or get their hopes up. And I don’t just mean including a statement on her booking form. She should really say something to the effect of, “I’m available to respectful, discreet gentlemen over the age of 65” on the front page of her site and in her ad copy. It’s pretty frustrating to think you’ve found exactly who or what you’re looking for, only to realize right as you’re about to book that you’re not eligible, and it’s back to the drawing board.
But there is something you can do.
Option 1: Honesty is the Best Policy
If, as in the example you give, she “strongly prefers men over the age of x” and your age is x-1, you can simply be honest. If there’s a text box in her booking form, politely state that you’ve spent time reading her website and you’re very interested in meeting with her. Mention something specific that attracted you to her, preferably something she has revealed in the text of her website (this shows that you really have done your homework), rather than “I really like your boobs” (which only indicates that you’ve jerked off to her photos). Then explain that, though you’re aware that she prefers men over the age of 30, you hope she’ll make an exception for a respectful, generous 29 year old such as yourself.
Option 2: Little White Lies
Let’s say she has stated that she “strongly prefers men over the age of 40,” and you just turned 39.
Come on. Just say you’re 40. It’s really not that big of a deal. Plus, if you add in all the time you spent as a zygote/blastocyst/surviving embryo/fetus, you’re pretty much 40, right? Maybe your family uses the east Asian system for age. Or maybe it’s just you. And just today. And just while you’re contacting this escort who “strongly prefers men over the age of 40.”
Plus, let’s be honest. Lots of escorts lie about their own ages. I’d even say it’s the vast majority. And, in general, it’s not because they’re ashamed of their true age; it’s because there are many, many men out there who have a really warped perception of age (and weight, for that matter) with regards to women. You say a woman’s 30, and there are 50-year-old guys who picture their grandmothers. And it’s a vicious cycle: because lying about one’s age is such a common practice among escorts, clients start to believe that any escort who claims to be 35 is actually 55. So, many escorts keep that fact in mind when composing ad and website copy, and though they may be 35, they’ll feel pressured to say they’re 25, if only to avoid being assumed to be 55 by jaded clients. (Little do those jaded clients know, there are many, many 55-year-old escorts out there having the time of their lives and making money to boot.)
And then there are the escorts who just aren’t attentive to their ad copy, and have had their age listed as 26 for the past 10 years.
My point is that nudging your age up a year isn’t hurting anyone (as long as age 21 is safely in your rear-view mirror). She did say “strongly prefer,” right? My answer would be different if she had said she has a strict rule against seeing clients under the age of 40, or that she absolutely, under no circumstances, will meet with a client under 40. In that case, I believe it would be ethically problematic to lie about your age, or to use another system of age determination (unless it is the system you normally use for cultural reasons).
On to your second question!
What to Do When Your Info Doesn’t Fit Neatly Into an Escort’s Booking Form
Your next question deals with what I consider to be a UX (User Experience) problem on a lot of websites: required fields on booking forms. Specifically, “She requires employment info to complete her booking form that you don’t have i.e. work number & direct extension, or link to work website with a a page with your photo, but you have everything else.”
I’m assuming this is a problem that can’t be solved by contacting her via email. Honestly, one of my pet peeves is when a website doesn’t provide the business’s contact info, but instead provides a booking or contact form as the sole means of initial communication with the business. And not just for adult service provider websites, either–I see this a lot on websites for contractors and property maintenance and improvement services as well. It’s even worse when, in the example you’ve offered,
the form contains one or more required fields that aren’t absolutely necessary to achieve the objective (contact between business and potential customer), or
potential customers won’t absolutely always have an appropriate answer to enter into the required fields on the form.
For me, this translates to the following situation:
::Curtain Opens::
It’s 11:30pm, and I’m checking my email for the first time in 2 days (heh). I open an email from a potential client who would like to schedule a date for next Wednesday. For screening purposes, he provides two escorts as references. I hop on over to the first escort’s website, click on “Contact,” and am brought to a booking form. The following internal dialog commences:
Ah, no email address, just a booking form. Wait, maybe it’s just a contact form? Nope, it’s a booking form. Hm. Well, that’s not applicable to me, since I’m not looking to book a date with an escort in Boston or wherever. So much for making yourself available for other escorts to contact you, Sinful Cindy of Cincinnati. You should have a chat with your web designer. I guess I could just fill out her booking form as if I were a client, but with my own info and stuff, and then use the text box to ask for her to vouch for Mr. Shmoe…well no, she has a required field for “work phone” and “provider references”; I’d have to type gibberish into like five of the fields on this form because they don’t apply to me. Guess I’ll click around a bit. Your email address has got to be around here somewhere…nope. Nothing on your site. Hmm. This girl must really want guys to use her booking form. I guess that’s understandable. It sure is annoying having to go back and forth with a guy 20 times in order to get all the information I need from him, including the date, time, location, and duration of the proposed date, plus the screening info I need from him. And the more I have to go back and forth gathering all that info from one person, the longer the process takes, and the more likely it is that someone else will contact me, provide all the info at once, and successfully book with me on the night the first guy wanted. Yeah, come to think of it, this is a great setup Cindy has–I bet she never has the problem of completely forgetting about week(s)-long, back-and-forth email-threads-in-progress because they’ve become buried under 40 new emails that flooded in over the past few days. Wow, I should tell her that. And I will, but first let me find her email address. Maybe it’s on her ads? Nope. Maybe in her reviews? No, that’s just a link to the booking page on her website. Dammit. Fuck it, this is taking entirely too long, and I have like 23 more emails to get to. I’ll just cram my question into the spaces on her booking form, and she can go kick rocks if she doesn’t like it.
::Curtain falls as I, grumbling, type gibberish into several fields of Sinful Cindy of Cincinnati’s stupid booking form::
Fin.
For clients, it can be even more frustrating, because you genuinely do want to schedule a date with the provider, but some of the questions don’t apply to you, so you can’t enter the requested info into each required field.
Look, my fellow/fella escorts and providers: if you’re not going to offer an alternate method of contact, and instead provide a form as the ONE AND ONLY avenue through which people can reach you, then the only fields that should be 100% required on said form are:
Name
Contact info (email or phone number)
Message (a text box)
At some point another escort will want to reach you. It may be because a client has provided you as a reference. Or, you selfish jerk, it may be because she has a client who is interested in a scheduling a double with the two of you, or even because wants to warn you not to see a dangerous client. Don’t make it unnecessarily difficult for her to do something that benefits you.
But I digress. Josh isn’t a provider; he’s a client.
If you find yourself in the situation where the only way you can contact a provider is via her booking form, you have found a savvy provider who doesn’t dick around with the back-and-forth, waste-of-time bullshit that is so characteristic of escorting.
However, if you then find yourself filling out a form that requires you to enter information into fields that clients in many situations would need to leave blank, then you’ve found a provider who either doesn’t understand the business, doesn’t understand people, or she just doesn’t care because she’s not particularly interested in extending her availability to anyone who can’t answer every question on her form. And, unless she has something against independently wealthy individuals or retirees, then that’s pretty short-sighted.
Or maybe she outsourced these decisions to a dumbass who doesn’t know much about escorts and clients. Who knows.
My advice to you is to fill out her booking form as well as you can, and then do what I do with the required fields for which you do not have an appropriate answer: enter placeholders, just to complete the form passably enough for the program to accept the data and deliver it to the recipient.
For phone numbers, sometimes the form’s admin has been generous enough to allow text, and you can enter “Don’t have a work number,” or “N/A,” or something similar. Sometimes the field is numbers-only, and you can type (000) 000-0000. Sometimes they’ve set it so that it will reject that, but you can instead enter a designated fake number that belongs to no one: in movies and TV they always use a number that begins with “555” in order to avoid using a number that could theoretically belong to someone. If the form rejects all zeroes, I usually just type all 5s, just so that the recipient knows immediately that it’s not a real number and they don’t try to call it.
For other required fields, enter “not applicable” or “N/A” or “see message.” If the form rejects that, simply enter gibberish. They asked for it.
And Now, For My Problem…
Guys! This has happened more than once in the past few months, and I need to address it.
When you are entering info into a provider’s contact form, do NOT enter an email address into the “email” field unless it is OK for the provider to use her main email account to contact you via that email address.
You have to understand what a contact form (or a booking form) is. In layman’s terms, a contact (or booking) form is a separate mini-program that provides an automated, secure way to transfer data from one computer to another via the internet. Because it’s an automated thing happening via a non-sentient being (as opposed to a phone conversation, online chat, or email exchange between two humans), the program will generally send a email to let you, the user, know that the info you entered has been received by the intended recipient (the provider, or the admin of her website). It does this by sending an auto-reply message to the email address you entered into the “Contact Email” (or just “Email) field within seconds.
So please, please, please, please, if you do NOT want a provider to contact you via your work email, DO NOT ENTER YOUR WORK EMAIL ADDRESS INTO THE “CONTACT EMAIL” FIELD. The contact form is not a person, and therefore it will not be able to read the message you typed into the text box that says, “Please don’t contact me at the email address I typed above because it’s my work email address. Please only contact me via that email address via the secret, generic email account you keep for that purpose.”
Twice in the past few months I’ve been contacted–via my contact form–by clients who entered their work email addresses into the “Contact Email” field, but then specified that I should not respond to them via that email.
It was especially problematic (in both of these cases) because, not only did my contact form auto-respond to them at the email address they didn’t want to be reached through, but they failed to provide me with any other method of getting in touch with them. So here I am, seemingly ignoring these poor guys after my website did exactly what they didn’t want me to do.
I feel like a major dick, but what can I do? For all I know, they’re already in trouble. I mean I doubt it, because they probably noticed the auto-response immediately and deleted it, and what employer constantly combs through their higher-ups email accounts that meticulously around the clock? But even so, what am I supposed to do now? I’m not going to contact them again at that email address. And I can’t proceed with screening by contacting them with my secret email address with the generic-sounding name and the fake spam-like message, because the client won’t recognize it as having come from me. So it’s just radio silence on my end.
So, to the guy from Texas who wanted to meet with me tonight or tomorrow: Sorry it didn’t happen. I really did want to meet with you. Your job sounds fascinating, and I would have loved to take you up on your offer to share that bottle of wine. I’m assuming that, after you didn’t hear back from me, you found someone else to meet up with–maybe you remembered to give her your personal email address, lol. If not, well…text me, call me, or email me–but use your personal email address so that I can actually respond ;)
New question today! It’s a good one, too. I talk a lot about client screening, but it’s been a while since I’ve written on the topic of how to figure out if an escort is legit.
Dear Annie,
I found an escort on Eros.com. She has her own website but refuses reviews (which I understand and appreciate). I am wondering if I can trust this individual even though we only texted to set an appointment. She did ask for an email from my work account so I feel a little at ease but still question if I am being reckless with a possible sting. Thanks.
PS: The appointment is at her incall at a hotel. Thanks.
–LonelyInNashville
Ah, the whole “is she/he a cop” question. It’s a constant concern for anyone who works and/or plays in this biz. And of course, it will be, until the US wakes up and realizes that full decriminalization is the only ethical approach to sex work, the safest approach for sex workers, and the best way to protect vulnerable people from those who wish to exploit them.
But in the meantime, we have to research clients before we meet with them, and when considering meeting with an escort, clients must take great pains to do research of their own.
I tend to yammer on and on about the “why” of things before I get to the “how” because everything leads to a whole new can of worms–especially when I’m procrastinating in order to avoid something I really don’t feel like doing, like get in my un-air-conditioned car and drive to the grocery store. So sit back and prepare to read a novel, or just skip to the How to Vet an Escort Who Doesn’t Allow Reviews section.
So You’ve Found an Escort Who Doesn’t Allow Reviews
In this situation, most “hobbyists” would tell you to run the other way. Fast.
But wait! Her pics are super hot and her website and ads are intriguing as all hell and you really, really, really wanna meet this girl. Also, fuck hobbyists, they’re just jealous that she won’t give them a discount in exchange for a good review.
But you can’t just go for it without taking some precautions. For one, you want to make sure this isn’t some kind of bait-and-switch situation–you don’t want to book an appointment with a girl with supermodel good looks and wit to match, only to be met at the door by a bridge troll (LOL I kid, I kid). But more importantly, you don’t want to end up in a sting.
So what now? Well, believe it or not, many, many reputable providers do not participate in the review system, and there are other ways to verify whether an escort is legit.
Why Some Escorts Don’t Allow Reviews
Contrary to popular belief, reviews aren’t the end-all be-all to vetting an escort. Like I said, many providers don’t allow them (and for a while I actively discouraged them, and then I realized that in general, clients who meet with me aren’t the type to write reviews anyway. And besides, the occasional flattery IS kinda nice…), and the vast majority of the time, it’s not because they’re trying to pull one over on clients.
The Purpose of Escort Review Sites
The review system. Many escorts have a love-hate relationship with it, and many escorts simply have a hate-hate relationship with it. Ostensibly, review sites are a way for hobbyists to let other hobbyists know which escorts are legit, which are to be avoided, and what services a given escort offers. Sounds great, right?
Well, it is…kind of. First of all, understand that review sites aren’t providing a forum for clients to exchange info about escorts out of the kindness of their hearts. It’s a business. And as many of you might already know, there’s a lot more to this business than providing a way for clients to “stay safe,” “avoid thieves,” and “let other guys know what’s ‘on the menu'” (barf).
Screenshot of the ECCIE New Orleans board. All that crap on the sides, top, and bottom of the screen is ads, most of them animated (blinking). Many of the menu items (with the ECCIE website’s styling) are actually ads masquerading as links to other pages on ECCIE. Clicking on anything that *is* legit will result in a pop-up ad you have to close (sometimes twice!) before you can see the page you meant to go to. ECCIE sucks.Review sites are, first and foremost, in the business of selling memberships and advertising space. That is, after all, how most content-based websites make money. This is why, on sites where the userbase is escorts and their clients, you’ll see tons of pop-up ads with messages like “Don’t hire an escort! Get a free fuck buddy on AshleyMadison.com!!!!!” or “Escorts are disgusting trash; Why fuck a hooker when you can get a college coed for cheap? Come to SeekingArrangement.com and find a Sugar Baby!” Seems kinda contradictory for sites that facilitate client/escort meetings to run anti-escort ads, right? But ad revenue is ad revenue.
The “content,” of course, is the stuff on a website that people actually want to see–the entire reason they came to the website in the first place. After all, no one visits a website because they want to look at the obnoxious, blinking, tacky paid advertisements in the margins, just as you don’t watch TV because you like commercials (well, unless it’s the Superbowl, but I digress).
For a news or magazine site, the “content” is the articles. For a site about visual art (photography, paintings, sculpture, art installations, etc.) the content is the photos. For a recipe site, the content is the recipes and the images accompanying them. The website serves the content to users, and alongside it, they display ads from third-party businesses who have paid for that ad space. So, even though the users visit the site to see the content, they have to view the ads as well.
The “users,” of course, are you and me: the people who visit the website to view the content.
How Escort Review Sites Make Money–And How You Help
The genius of review sites is that the users provide the content. Therefore, the website doesn’t have to pay writers or artists or any other content creators. And often, they pay for the privilege! In the case of review sites, the “content” would primarily be the photos of escorts (created and uploaded by the escorts themselves) and the reviews of escorts (created/written and posted by clients). A secondary content type would be the discussion forums, which consist of posts written by escorts and clients.
But remember, from a business standpoint, the site is all about selling memberships to (male) users, and selling advertising space to other companies. And the only way to make it worth the buyers’ money is to have tons of content worth viewing.
And this, my friends, is why reviews that aren’t explicit will be rejected. I know it’s a common source of frustration for clients–you spend your $$, you meet with a provider, you go home and fill out the form and write a short essay about what happened, and some power-tripping schmuck (Administrator/Moderator) tells you it’s not “detailed” enough, and he won’t post it until you re-submit a version that’s extremely descriptive about everything that happened.
They’re not doing this just to be a pain (well, maybe some are). They’re doing this because they’re required to by whoever bestowed upon them the rare and coveted honor of Hooker Review Board Moderator. Moderators play an indirect role in generating money for the site. The site draws viewers via 1) pictures (and contact info, etc.) of hot escorts, and 2) written erotica (porn in text form, basically). You can’t really jerk off to “Yeah, she’s safe and legit. I had a good time. Highly recommended.” And if it’s not titillating, are you really gonna spend much time on the site, loading page after page (of ads)? Moderators are there to ensure that your reviews make good erotica–titillating content that will keep users on the site for hours, viewing those third-party ads.
So, now that we’ve established that the review system isn’t exactly a purely generous service to the community, let’s talk about how it plays out in the “real world.” Yes, reviews can still be helpful, and no, profiting from that type of content is not an inherent evil. But because they serve a purpose as erotica, drawing clients to the review site, they must be…well, erotic. So, in order to have their review accepted, clients are required to describe in detail the specific acts they participated in with the escort. That’s all fine and good until you realize:
Those descriptions can be read as a very blatant admission of trading money for sex,
Now that the review system exists, many escorts rely on it as their sole means of advertising,
A list of activities an escort engaged in with one client is often interpreted by future clients as a list of activities she is obligated to offer them, regardless of the fact that they are an entirely different person on an entirely different day in an entirely different situation/setting, etc.,
Escorts have no control over what a client writes, so he is free to reveal as much detail as he pleases, and to embellish or even lie (the sites do not allow escorts to respond to their own reviews),
Therefore clients have a lot of leverage, and the threat of a bad review (or the promised reward of a good one) can cause an escort to do things she otherwise wouldn’t–offer services she’s not comfortable with, lower her rates in response to a client’s demands, etc.
Reputable escorts put A TON of time and energy into crafting and maintaining their personas on the internet. It’s how we advertise and promote. It’s how we show just enough of ourselves to entice clients without revealing too much to the public. It’s the face of our business, and for those of us who really, really love what we do and want to keep doing it, it would be absolutely devastating if someone shattered the whole thing in an act of vengeance, jealousy, or just plain nastiness. So it’s no surprise that some ladies would rather avoid this altogether.
So, when you find a provider who has opted out of the “hobbyist” escort review system, how do you know if she’s legit?
Another photo, just as a reward for reading this far, heh:
How to Vet an Escort Without Reviews
Luckily, there are tons of ways to vet an escort who doesn’t allow reviews. Onward!
Reputable Escort vs. Undercover Cop
OK first, you need to know what you’re looking for. Think about it: what kind of evidence would convince you that she’s most likely not a cop? Remember, reputable escorts do not want to put their business in jeopardy, so we’re very careful to maintain our image on the internet. If we were to participate in a sting (which doesn’t happen, but let’s play this game), it would take a matter of hours (or at most, days) for word to get out, and the business we’ve worked so hard to create would be destroyed in a matter of minutes. So the idea is to find an escort who is well-established, and use caution with anyone who appears fly-by-night.
Here are just a few things that might reassure you that she’s an established escort, not a cop:
An in-depth, long-running website with photos and text that doesn’t look like it was slapped together in 2 minutes (or stolen)
Ads with carefully-created photos and text that have been up for a while–not something quick-n-dirty that first appeared two hours ago.
An active, established social media presence
Profiles on escorting-related web forums and communities, and an established presence in those forums (comments, etc.)
Membership to a client screening site
Real reviews from real clients
Obviously, this isn’t a checklist–she doesn’t have to have everything on the list to be considered legit. And none of these is absolutely guaranteed to prove she’s not a cop. This is simply a guide to finding evidence that will help you make an informed decision.
Google is Your Friend!!
Never underestimate the sloppiness of some people. A lot of people simply don’t care enough, or aren’t smart enough to cover their tracks.
Ever heard of “catfishing”? It’s when someone (with evil intent) pretends to be someone else over the internet, usually via the use of stolen photos. Predators posing as escorts do it all the time, as do escorts who are afraid that their own photos wouldn’t attract clients.
In a sting situation, the ad photos have to come from somewhere. It’s highly unlikely that LE would be willing to arrange and pay for a sexy photoshoot for which they’d have to pay a photographer, a model, and possibly even a hair and makeup person. And it’s pretty damn unlikely that an undercover female cop is going to go through the trouble of a sexy photo shoot–nor should she, and I hope that if one were ever pressured to do so by her superiors, she’d sue their fucking badges off for sexual harassment. But the photos have to come from somewhere, right?
If you know how to use a computer (or even a smartphone), it’s pretty easy to find photos of an impossibly beautiful Brazilian model or a hot escort from another country or region (so that potential clients don’t recognize her, and she’s not likely to be checking to see if any escorts in Randomtown, USA are using her photos in ads), download them, and then use them in your own escort ads. So easy that it happens all the time–people have stolen my photos and used them in their own ads a few times. I imagine this is the same method LE uses when setting up a sting.
The good thing is, as long as the original owner of those photos hasn’t deleted them from whatever website they were originally on, those photos still exist somewhere on the internet. This is where Google Image Search comes in. If you think the pics of the girl in the ad are TGTBT (Too Good To Be True) do a Google Reverse Image Search. It’s easiest in the Chrome browser–just right-click on the photo, and when the drop-down menu pops up, click on “search Google for this image.” Easy. I’m sure there’s a way to do it on Bing, but I don’t use Bing, and I don’t feel like looking it up right now. If you’re a Bing user, just Google “How to do a reverse image search on Bing.” ;)
You can also Google a small but unique block of text from her ad (or site) to see if it appears on any other websites–if the ad was slapped-together with copy/pasted bits from other providers’ sites out of concern for time and a need to “sound authentic.”
Next, just in case, you can Google her phone number, just to see if anyone has put out an “alert” to the community about her when she was using another persona. This is pretty unlikely, but you never know. Maybe she was working with the cops (or maybe she’s otherwise dangerous). Some people just don’t bother changing their phone number after they ruin their own good name. Put the entire phone number in quotes, like this: “504-XXX-5309”
“Busted Escorts” Sites: Bullshit
You may find sites like “EscortBusts.com” or “BustedEscorts.com” or whatever. If you Google a girl’s number, one of those sites may come up and say something like, “DO NOT SEE HER, SHE IS WORKING FOR THE POLICE, YOUR STUPED IF YOU GO SEE HER DONT SAY WE DIDN’T WRAN YOU.” If you do, don’t freak out. Take a deep breath and think this through.
I can’t believe I have to explain this, but…I’ve seen way too many guys (and girls) freak out about these sites. THESE SITES ARE NOT LEGIT. Look at them with a critical eye. Why would a site like this exist? Does it serve any purported purpose other than hand-wringing over a girl supposedly working with the police? Would someone set up a site specifically and solely to warn unwitting would-be clients? How would they pay for that site? Ah, yes. The ads. Notice what those sites tell you, once you get over the shock and horror that OMG YOU JUST ALMOST WALKED INTO A STING (no, you didn’t). See how they seem to be directing you to other, “safer” options (companies or sites) via links? There’s the ad revenue. Scroll to the bottom of the page. There’s probably a “Contact” option, and it might even say “Contact us to remove your information from our site.” Bingo. They want the escorts pictured on these sites to pay them (usually around $100) to remove their names, photos, and numbers from the site. It’s a form of extortion. That’s why these sites exist. They have software that “scrapes” content (photos, text, phone numbers) from other sites (usually Backpage or other highly-trafficked websites with little oversight) and then they upload that same content onto their own site–add a little “OMG OMG OMG YOU IDIOT SHE’S A COP YOU ALMOST FUCKED UP!!” to accompany each photo/name/phone number, and watch the money roll in. How do they get away with it? Well…they’re fucking with escorts, who don’t really have the law on their side, or at least they don’t understand it enough to make a case for themselves. As for the sites they scrape from? It’s a copyright violation, but the highly-trafficked sites like Backpage don’t have time to bother with protecting the content on their site from theft.
Screenshot of BustedEscorts.com: “YOU GONNA CALL MOMMY TO BAIL YOU OUT?” (followed by big paid link to site with “safe” escorts) Screenshot of BustedEscorts.com: “CAUTION: She is an undercover police officer” (followed by paid link to site with “legal” escorts)
Social Media
Social media is another way escorts will establish their legitimacy. More than that, though, it’s free publicity, and it’s a way to interact with other escorts, keep up with their clients, and quickly add pics and announce availability. Does she have a Twitter or Instagram or Snapchat or whatever account that’s been around for a while? Does she have more than just a few followers? Does she actually post stuff every once in a while? Like I said before, in general, LE isn’t going to go through the trouble of setting up and maintaining all these details years in advance of a sting, lol. Especially for a misdemeanor.
The same goes for webforum activity. Check sites like TER (The Erotic Review), TOB (The Other Board), NightShift, ECCIE, SouthernGFE, or whatever is popular in your area.
Screening Sites, etc.
Is she a member of a client screening site like P411 (Preferred411.com) or RS-AVS.com? RS-AVS.com isn’t used in my area, but Preferred411 (P411) is pretty popular, and from what I can tell, it’s used pretty widely, at least in the US. P411 has been infiltrated in the past, but if I remember correctly, LE were targeting escorts, not clients. Either way, P411 is a walled garden of safety precautions, which can be really frustrating when you’re new, but it is what it is. Not just anyone claiming to be a provider can join P411. You have to provide some info to the site’s administrator, and you have to prove that you are really, truly an escort. How does one do that?
Well, in order to be accepted to P411, an escort has to provide proof in the form of….
…
…
(wait for it…)
…
reviews from established clients.
No shit. So yeah, if she’s on P411, it’s a pretty good sign that she’s legit, or that her persona was at some point in the past. Perhaps she originally got a couple reviews just to get access to P411 (that’s what I did), and then went “No Reviews Allowed.” Or maybe she used to accept reviews, but then she got to the point that she no longer needed them, nor did she want the type of clients they attracted. It’s very difficult, but an escort can sometimes get reviews removed from a site (usually she has to fight tooth and nail with the admins of the site, and then she’s essentially unwelcome on that site forever).
Or maybe her old reviews are still up somewhere, she just doesn’t promote them as an advertising tool. You might wanna check.
Lastly, remember that, regardless of her “no reviews” policy, if an escort is trouble (a thief, a bait-and-switch, violent, or working with LE, for example), people WILL post about it. It’s not like she has any recourse.
Anyway, I hope that helps. No, there’s no way for me to guarantee you’re safe (or unsafe) from a sting if you meet this girl…but maybe these tips will help you use your best judgment.
Yay, new question!! Well, semi-new, because it came in like 2 weeks ago and I’m just now getting to it. This one’s a little different from most of the others–today I’m going to answer a couple questions not from a client, but from a woman who is considering working as an escort in New Orleans.
Greetings Annie!
My name’s [redacted], and I’m trying to figure out how to break into the escorting business in the way that feels most right. I started by looking up “escort agencies in Nola” and, while I heard back immediately from one, when it came time to call them, I just couldn’t silence this little voice inside saying there is a better way, and a smarter way, for me to go about this. I started searching online for someone, anyone, that I could reach out to who’s in the business, in New Orleans, doing it independently, and who seemed, well, “real.” You’re the first one.
First of all, thank you for being genuine and being classy. My online searching experience with this business so far has left me a little grossed out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about getting nasty in the bedroom if it fits the mood and energy of the moment; I mean “grossed out” by way of the rampant tackiness, sloppiness, and lack of genuineness I see all over the place. So thank you SO MUCH for putting so much time and effort into your website and image. Your personality really shines through and it’s a massive breath of fresh air.
Sorry, I’m trying to keep this as short as I can. I have two questions:
When a client gives you their employer’s phone number for reference, what do you say in that call? Is it just a simple “could you direct me to [client’s name] please?” And if/when they do, then you just give a quick “thanks” and hang up? Or is there a different way you like to handle it?
Also, how often do clients even give their employer’s phone number for their reference? Just curious.
This question I’m pretty nervous to ask you, because I don’t want to come off as being rude or disrespectful. So feel free to decline answering! But do you make, financially, a really good living doing escorting in New Orleans? It’s just that I have no idea how lucrative the business is in Nola as opposed to other U.S. cities.
I’m wondering if I’d be better off moving somewhere with a larger population like Chicago or Boston, but it’d probably be best to get a feel for how I’d do in New Orleans first. It is the nearest large city to me and I plan on moving to a new location in the country anyway. What did the income from escorting sort of look like when you first started out? And has that income grown since?
Apologies for the length; and thanks so very much for your time! You are profoundly appreciated!
OK first of all, thanks so much for the compliments. I’m blushing ;)
One of the great things about this business is that there’s something for everyone. No matter what a client is into, if it’s a decent-sized city, they’ll probably be able to find a provider who is offering that type of experience. BBW? We got that. GFE? Yep. Porn Star experience? Check. Intimacy on a cerebral and physical level? Got it. College co-ed type? MILF? Amazon woman? Dominatrix? Bimbo fetish? Submissive? Extra-kinky? Trans girl? Latina/Black/White/East Asian/South Asian/Pacific Islander/Carribean/European/etc.? They’re all out there if you look.
And not everyone is concerned with projecting a “classy” image or coming off as “genuine.” In fact, some like their women just a tad on the “trashy” side (sorry, I had to). Lots of providers actually prefer that clients never see their “real-life” personality. And that’s cool. Not all clients are looking for that. Mine, however, usually are, and that’s why they’re drawn to me.
OK, so on to your actual questions:
When a client gives you their employer’s phone number for reference, what do you say in that call? Is it just a simple “could you direct me to [client’s name] please?” And if/when they do, then you just give a quick “thanks” and hang up? Or is there a different way you like to handle it?
Screening via Employment Verification by Phone
Ugh. I really, really hate screening via phone, and I do everything in my power to avoid it and screen via email/internet instead. Realistically, I know the receptionist isn’t going to hear my voice and immediately launch into a tirade:
“I can tell by the way you said ‘Hello, may I speak to Mr. X?’ that you are a Lady Of the Evening! How DARE you call this respectable place of business, you HUSSY!!! The founders of this company, God rest their souls, are absolutely TURNING IN THEIR GRAVES!!!!”
But, ya know. It could happen.
In all seriousness, I have a few good reasons why I prefer to screen via email. If I need to screen via phone, I have to remember to do it before the business day is over. Sometimes I’m busy all day, and then it’s 5pm. But there’s no time limit on the internet, so I can do screening stuff at 10pm, or if I suddenly wake at 3am and remember that I’ve forgotten to complete all the screening for Mr. X, I can fire up the laptop and do it right then and there. Plus, I just don’t like calling people’s workplaces and talking to the receptionist. What if I pronounce the guy’s name wrong? What if the Jehovah’s Witnesses stop by AGAIN and they ring my doorbell and my dogs start barking and I can’t shut them up? And then, by the time I finally do, I’ve forgotten the guy’s name and I have to scramble to find it while the receptionist waits on the other end of the line? Argh! So many things can go wrong. Or what if everything goes fine and then she puts my call through to Mr. X, and Mr. X and I proceed to have an awkward chat about nothing for the next 20 minutes, most of which I can’t understand because I get bad reception in my house and I have to go outside if I want to hear the person I’m talking with semi-clearly, but outside is where my neighbors are, and they’re old and always want to chat, and plus I’d rather not talk about work loudly on my front porch. See? Phone screening is a catastrophe waiting to happen!!!
I kid, I kid. Yes, I prefer email, but let’s say you gotta do it via phone, because sometimes you just do. And now that I’ve finally gotten to it, the answer to your question is pretty damn simple: When a client gives you their employer’s phone number for screening purposes, just ask the client what he would like you to say. That’s it. Maybe he’ll tell you to tell the receptionist that you’re from his dentist’s office, or his kid’s school, or that you’re Pam from Dunder-Mifflin. Or maybe it’s a direct line to his office, and you won’t have to use any kind of clever trickery beyond dialing the number he’s given you (which yes, I know, is not clever trickery, and would only be regarded as such by a time traveler from the year 1870, but whatever, the sentence is already written and that’s how it’s gonna stay).
And in my experience, nah, they don’t go this route all that often. They generally seem to prefer email communication as well. But I bet that varies a whole lot, depending on the type of client, the industry they’re in, etc.
But do you make, financially, a really good living doing escorting in New Orleans? It’s just that I have no idea how lucrative the business is in Nola as opposed to other U.S. cities.
Financials: How much money do escorts in New Orleans make?
This is a difficult question to answer, because my definition of “a really good living” may not be the same as yours. Do I make a million dollars? LOL no. But I don’t stress about money all the time like I used to, and to me, that has been so, so, so valuable. I’m able to be selective with clients, and I don’t have to meet with every client who comes my way. Then again, I don’t have children, nor do I have a fancy car to pay off, etc., so my expenses might not be as high as some other people’s.
You can ask 100 escorts from all over the New Orleans Metro Area what they think of the business here and how lucrative it is, and you’ll probably get 100 different answers. How much money you make will depend on a lot of things.
Factors that affect your earnings as an escort, especially in New Orleans:
Are you willing to maintain a private incall location? This will allow you to tap into the locals market, but it also necessitates you paying rent and bills for a second place every month. You could, of course, work out of your own home to save money, but I don’t really recommend that. And unless you live in a place that is discreet, convenient, and in a “good neighborhood” (which is really, REALLY hard to define in New Orleans), many of the local “hobbyists” will either decline to see you, or even talk shit about your neighborhood on the boards. I have several friends who have scheduled an appointment with a client, and after he was a NC/NS (No Call/No Show), they discovered that he had posted something to this effect on the local board:
“When i drove up, there was a black guy outside, and it just seemed sketchy, so I left. Watch out for this one, guys. Don’t think I’ll contact her again, and I advise you not to, either.”
The implication here is that either the provider has a “dangerous” “pimp,” or that the whole thing was a set up, and the “hobbyist” was about to get robbed. How do you think that affects her business for the next several months?
In one case, it was her fucking neighbor sitting on his own goddamn porch on a pretty day. In another, it was a group of (black) teenage boys carrying baseball bats…because they were walking a block to the baseball field where the neighborhood team plays. In another, it was a black guy walking down the street. I shit you not, the dude was minding his own business, literally WALKING DOWN THE FUCKING STREET, and this was enough to scare the little bigot off back to the ‘burbs, where he immediately hopped on the computer to “warn everyone” that that my friend had a pimp.
Are you willing to be “on call” 24/7, including last minute appointments? I turn a lot of appointments down, because I am not gonna roll out of bed at 1am, get all gussied up, and drag myself over to some drunk/coked-up/whatever guy’s hotel room. Not only would I be worried that he’d be passed out or gone by the time I got there, but I just…wouldn’t be my best “me.” Being “on call” every moment of the day would undoubtedly get you a higher total of appointments per week, but for me, it’s not worth it. I like my job, and I have no desire to stop doing it any time soon. The last thing I need is to do it in such a way that I would grow to hate it.
Are you willing to have your life revolve around this job? Are you willing to spend most of your waking hours going back and forth with potential clients, clients, time-wasters, other escorts, etc. via email, phone, text and messaging systems on several different escort/client websites, and maintaining an internet presence via social media and boards? If you can do this, by all means, enjoy your burnout.
Speaking of burnout, do you plan on taking occasional week-long or month-long breaks? If you don’t, your work may suffer in the long run. If you do, you’re passing up business.
Are you willing to participate in the review system (“hobbyist” boards), and all the political crap and drama that comes with it? Many providers use the system to their advantage–they get great reviews and lots of them, and that attracts other reviewers/hobbyists. However, a bad review from some douchebag flexing his “I’m a Very Important Person on this Very Important hobby board” muscles can really hurt you. And don’t think they don’t use that to their advantage.***
Do you fit the physical description of the typical “high earner”? Are you white, in your late-20s-to-30s, and conventionally attractive? It’s fucked up, but in general, white providers’ rates are higher than non-white providers’ rates, and conventionally attractive providers generally have higher rates than, say, BBW providers (that’s Gypsy of Chicago, by the way, and she is awesome and has TONS of info on escorting and sex work on her youtube channel). THERE ARE MANY MANY MANY EXCEPTIONS TO THIS “RULE.” It’s purely a generalization, but it’s not totally off-base. Just remember: we all set our own rates. Regardless of your “type,” don’t aim low (unless you really want to). Your time and energy is valuable, and like me, you may prefer quality over quantity.
Are you willing to travel (“tour”)? Lots of girls tour. While it looks kinda fun, and from what I understand, it’s often pretty lucrative, it also looks like a big fat risk to me. I don’t like the idea of paying a ton of money to fly to another city, pay for a nice hotel, and then wait around for clients who end up needing to cancel. Plus, traveling is a pain in the ass for me (I’d have to hire a housesitter/dogsitter, make sure my job doesn’t need me, etc.).
There are all kinds of other factors, and these are just a few of them. I know a provider who has so much business she never goes more than 3 days without a date. I know a provider who works 4-5 times a week. I know a provider who prefers multi-hour dates, and may only work once a week. I know a provider who only works when she’s in a financial bind, which might happen a few times a year, but definitely isn’t a regular thing. It really all depends on your goals and the type of clients you target.
And of course, the rules change based on the city you’re in. Would you make more money in New York City? Probably. But I have friends who work in NYC or have in the past, and their expenses sound…burdensome. As for me, I’d rather stay right here in New Orleans and work as much as I like, no more, no less ;)
***Yes, yes, yes, I understand #NotAllHobbyists do this. Most are perfectly nice people, but power-hungry, bitter people exist, and they have a right to pay for VIP membership on a website, too.
PS: Here’s a pic of my butt my friend took the other day. Real pics to come, this was just a casual snapshot :)
Hey all! Thanks so much for continuing to send questions! I’m trying to answer them in the order in which I received them, but I do tend to forget about things that I’ve had on the back burner for awhile (which is why I keep a fire extinguisher next to my stove). So, if you’ve sent me a question and I haven’t gotten to it yet, give me a nudge. Mention it in the comments below, or email me! And now, for a question about newbie couples in search of an escort for a threesome.
Hi Annie, I love your blog. I was wondering what your opinion is on newbie couples. Do you think it would be advisable for the woman to have a little alone time first, to feel things out. Or do you think the couple should just jump in together and enjoy the experience together from the start? Thank you in advance for your response.
Nick
First, glad you like my blog! I aim to not only show a little of my personality, but to help educate clients (newbies and experienced clients alike) and up-and-coming (heh) escorts about this lifestyle/biz so that they can make informed decisions in order to have the best and safest experience possible.
As for my opinion on newbie couples: I love them! I love helping couples explore their sexual fantasies in healthy, honest, safe ways. Being invited to be intimate with a couple, as long as both partners are informed and eager, is something I find highly erotic. I am honored to help both individuals explore their sexuality, their adventurousness, their fantasies, and the special bond they share–which will hopefully be even more sexually charged after I’ve left. I love knowing that the excitement continues long after I’m gone–or so I’ve been told by couples I’ve seen in the past.
And I think that’s the case because I prioritize pre-date communication and planning. Anytime a couple adds a third party to the mix, it’s a delicate situation, and I understand and respect that. That’s why I think it’s important to discuss expectations and boundaries beforehand.
A couple in NOLA sees me pretty regularly. They are awesome. They’re 100% clear on boundaries and expectations–they even send me stick figure drawings of what they’re looking forward to beforehand, LOL
Boundaries
When I’m meeting with a client solo, expectations are generally pretty clear and straightforward, so it’s usually not mandatory that we discuss them beforehand (and especially not before we’re face-to-face: please don’t discuss these things via email or phone). But boundaries can be a bit…blurry. Any client who has met with me knows that I like to make sure I’m clear on boundaries. That’s why, before things get too hot and heavy, I’ll ask about boundaries.
By “boundaries,” I mean “activities in which you 100% do NOT want to engage,” or “activities that will 100% turn you off if I initiate them.” Pretty straightforward. I like to be clear on this because, even though I value communication during sex, I don’t want a client to be in a situation where he feels uncomfortable or awkward in the moment; I’d like to avoid that situation if possible.
For pretty obvious reasons, this kind of clarity is especially important with couples.
First and foremost: Please don’t “surprise” your partner unless you’re SURE he/she will appreciate and enjoy the surprise! I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again (and you’d think it would be obvious), but it bears repeating. Please be 100% sure your partner wants this.
Pre-Escort Communication: Discuss Boundaries and Expectations With Your Significant Other
In order to provide a satisfying experience for the couple, I need to be really, really clear on what the two of you are comfortable with–and what you’re not. So, discuss these things beforehand, and discuss them in detail. Who can do what with whom? Can the escort kiss the wife/girlfriend? Can the boyfriend/husband penetrate the escort? Can the escort penetrate the wife with a strap-on? Can she penetrate the husband/boyfriend with a strap-on? Can she kiss the husband/boyfriend? I’m serious. Specifics. Details. Write ’em down, even.
#RelationshipGoalsThis is also the time to discuss any fantasies you have that you’d like to try out. If the two of you are interested enough in a threesome that you’ve started the process of setting up a date with an escort, then you’ve undoubtedly fantasized about a third at some point in the past. Specifically, what activities (in the context of a threesome) do you fantasize about? Come on, you know what I mean. What gets you off when you’re watching threesome porn and flying solo? What gets the two of you going when you’re watching threesome porn together? What kind of things do you imagine when you’re bored at work and feeling horny? Be honest. This is your opportunity to make those things happen.
Before a date with a Male/Female Couple: Private Chat With the Escort
If I’m meeting with a man and woman who are in a long term relationship (marriage, long-term boyfriend and girlfriend, etc.), I prefer to chat with the “better half” (the lovely lady!) privately via phone at some point before the appointment so that she and I can go over certain specifics about what should and should not happen during our time together. This helps to avoid any complications or dissatisfaction with our rendezvous, and it helps me get a good idea of how to please both partners.
In these conversations, we go over boundaries and expectations (which the two of you have discussed, right?), ideas, questions, things the two of you may or may not want to explore, etc. I want this to be a positive experience for everyone involved–one that will fulfill expectations without crossing any lines. And obviously it should be relaxed and fun, and that’s easier to accomplish if we’re all on the same page.
But a secondary purpose of these chats is for me to establish a camaraderie with her and to reassure her that we’re on the same team. I want to dispel any worries she has about my motives or my intentions. I am not after anyone’s man. I am not going to try to upstage you. I will NOT do anything with him that you’re not prepared for and enthusiastic about. You will NEVER feel “left out.” Because, honestly, you (the wife/girlfriend) are the most important person here, as far as I’m concerned (Sorry, guys. But you’ll thank me later when this experience isn’t a source of regret.)
So, to answer your question, Nick: I think it’s important that the escort and the “better half” have time to chat privately in advance–several days in advance, preferably.
I do not, however, think it’s especially helpful for the escort and the wife/girlfriend to meet privately in person. A lot of the success of this kind of meeting depends on not just sexual boundaries, but mental/social ones, too. Compartmentalization is key. The escort is someone you saw that night, for that predetermined amount of time, in that hotel room, in exchange for that specific amount of money. Your memory of her is confined to that time and place. She doesn’t exist in your life outside of that setting. This experience belongs to you and your partner, and you should enter (gawd, I have the sense of humor of a teenage boy) and exit that experience together. To me, meeting beforehand privately with the wife/girlfriend makes things too…I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. It just feels wrong. If I’m meeting with a couple, I want you to experience every bit of me (that you choose to experience) at the same time, together. Does that make sense? Maybe not…but it’s lunchtime and I’m hungry, so it’ll have to suffice for now, lol.
A reader sent a question in the other day dealing with the topic of the escort/client relationship and how to deal with any inconvenient “feelings” that may develop:
I just found your blog here and think it’s great. I’m not new and don’t easily open up to people. I’ve been seeing a provider about the same age as me very regularly for the past several months and feel like we have developed a special relationship. I would like to broach the subject of a relationship outside of her profession but don’t want to ruin a good thing and am a little scared of rejection. I’m not looking to try and “rescue” her or anything. She is a very competent woman and doesn’t need rescuing from anything. She truly enjoys her calling and I wouldn’t ask her to stop doing something she enjoys. I’ve thought about just not seeing her anymore to save myself some heartache down the road. I would appreciate your thoughts and perspective.
Signed,
Reasonable but Torn
Dear Reasonable,
So, I know how I would answer this, but of course, I can’t speak for every escort,, nor are my clients represent all clients. So, naturally, I turned to the escorts of Twitter for advice.
As you probably know (but just in case you don’t), Twitter only allows you a limited number of characters per “tweet” (post). The same goes for Twitter polls. So, I had to present a significantly abridged version of the situation in order to get my point across in such a tight space. Here’s what I hope people understood:
Question: Escorts: If a client feels he has a “special connection” with an escort close in age to him, should he attempt to pursue a romantic (non-escort/client) relationship with her?
Yes. The client should ask her out.
No. I appreciate and enjoy my clients, but that would be inappropriate and I never, ever want a client to suggest a non-professional relationship.
If he believes the feeling is mutual, then he should wait for her to initiate a romantic relationship.
Something else (please explain).
117 ladies were up to the task. Here are the results:
#Escorts! Plz help w/a client question. If u had a special connection w/a reg client your age, would u want to pursue a relationship w/ him?
Soooo that’s pretty much what I was expecting. Not a whole lot of us want our clients to pursue a non-professional relationship with us.
The Danger in Having a “Regular Escort”
I talked about this a little bit when a client wrote to me asking whether I thought it was better for clients to see a variety of providers or to stick with one “regular” escort (spoiler alert: it depends on the individual client’s needs and his reasons for going the “escort” route). That client was interested in the intimacy and connection that’s only possible when you’ve known someone for longer than a few minutes or hours, but he wasn’t interested in having an actual girlfriend–just the “Girlfriend Experience.” And, most importantly, he “(understood) the basis of the provider/client relationship.” In other words, he was committed to maintaining boundaries, respecting the relationship for what it was, and not trying to make it into something more.
As for him, well…I know him, and I know his situation, and I’m pretty sure he can be trusted not to deviate from those intentions. But anything’s possible, I guess, and that’s one of the risks of choosing the “regular escort” route instead of the “variety is the spice of blah blah blah” route. Feelings can develop. Endorphins, familiarity, sex, and oxytocin are funny things, and they can interfere with the plans we came up with back when we were thinking rationally.
A Question of Authenticity
This is a tough topic for me to discuss because these relationships are unique–every relationship is–and I don’t want to be misunderstood. I don’t know you, and I don’t know the escort you’ve been meeting with, but I’m willing to bet that the special connection you feel with her is real. The fact that these relationships involve financial compensation doesn’t make us unfeeling automatons (Automatonettes? Like a Motown girl-bot group?). Sure, there are probably some girls out there who can “fake it” pretty well, but you also mentioned that you’re a regular client of hers. Very few escorts are willing or able to maintain the illusion of a real, deep connection with someone regularly, continually, and indefinitely. It would just be too labor intensive. Either you like someone, or you don’t; either you get along and “connect,” or you don’t. If you’re only going to be in their presence for an hour and then never see them again, it’s not all that difficult to overlook a personality conflict and pretend it doesn’t exist. But if it’s someone you’re seeing regularly, without any plan to end contact? Not so much.
So, it’s a real connection. You like her, she likes you. It’s understandable that you might start considering making it “real”–less “GFE” and more “GF.”
Boundaries
And that’s why we need to be really, really clear on boundaries before we enter this little subculture, whether we’re entering as escorts or clients. A huge advantage to this type of relationship (perhaps the main advantage) is its lack of complexity. These relationships are clearly delineated and can therefore be (more) easily compartmentalized: Yes, I will be your lover, your partner, your friend–within the confines of the time we’ve agreed upon. After that we part, and you don’t have to think about, interact with, or acknowledge me. The time we spent together and the experiences we had are ours and ours alone, separate from the lives we lead on the “outside,” and therefore the intimacy we shared doesn’t pose any threat to or conflict with with your life, the people in it, and the responsibilities it entails.
And clients should respect those same boundaries for the escort(s) they meet with. She too has a life outside of the experiences she has with you–she has friends, family, responsibilities, hopes, desires, goals, problems, heartache, struggles. She may or may not have children, or a partner, or a “straight job.” Regardless, she (presumably) became an escort as a means of supporting herself, and hopefully she chose escorting because, out of the options available to her, this was the one that seemed most enjoyable and best fit her needs. Very, very few of us become escorts because we want to find someone to love. And when you offer that to her, you put her in an exceedingly awkward position of having to remind you of that.
Heartbreaking, I know. I’m sorry.
…But wait!!
If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It
So, this girl is fantastic, right? Your absolute dream woman–beautiful, sweet, affectionate, funny, always horny, and great in the sack. And the best part is, she actually *gets you* and LIKES YOU!
It sounds like you’ve got a great thing going. That’s something that not a lot of people get to enjoy, and here you are, luxuriating in that type of intimacy on the regular. So…why do you want change it?
You acknowledged this when you said you “didn’t want to ruin a good thing,” so I know it’s part of your conundrum, as is the fear of rejection you mentioned. But what if she doesn’t reject you? What if the two of you do become an item? Is that necessarily the “happier ever after” ending/beginning you imagine it to be?
The Difference Between “Girlfriend Experience” and Plain-Old “Girlfriend”
What you’re enjoying right now is probably not what you would have in a non-professional relationship. That’s not to say that this isn’t authentic–it is. But there’s a fundamental difference between “GFE” and “GF”: “As professionals (escorts, professional companions, service providers, whatever), we’re compensated not because we can do something a girlfriend could do, but because we can do something a girlfriend can’t. We provide an idealized Girlfriend Experience: the experience of having an AWESOME girlfriend who is horny and fun and interesting and respectful for the entire time you’re together. A real girlfriend can’t do that. Why? Because you’re around her for more than a few hours. No one can be awesome 24 hours a day. A real girlfriend lives with you (or spends lots of time around you) for days, weeks, months, years. You’ll have serious conflicts. You’ll have minor gripes. Grudges will be held. Disappointments will happen.”
Right now, you’re both on your best behavior, and you don’t have time to get bored, or for your flaws to get on each other’s nerves. So you leave the toilet seat up when you’re at her incall–no big deal; you’re a guy, and guys forget to do that sometimes. But once she’s your girlfriend, there may be hell to pay. Why can’t you just fucking put the toilet seat down?? We’ve been dating for five months and I crash here at least three nights a week and I am so. fucking. tired. of falling into ice-cold toilet water at 4am!!! This is like the TENTH time!! Dammit, John, you’re SO INCONSIDERATE!!!
Yes, it’s a cliche, but it’s a stand-in for all the mundane, boring, irritating conflicts that go on in an normal relationship. You’ll have to change habits to accommodate her (put the damn toilet seat down, don’t leave your underpants on her bedroom floor, quit picking your nose when you think she isn’t looking). And she’ll do things that will bother you as well (rolling her eyes when you ask if you can borrow her car, checking her phone while you’re talking to her, fucking men who aren’t you because it’s her job). And then there are the responsibilities and obligations that come with a relationship. When you share your life with someone in a partnership–or even if you’re just dating long-term-ish–you make room in your life for them. And that means shifting other things around or even letting some go. It means making more of an effort. Is it worth it? For the right person, sure. But it can still be a pain in the ass.
I don’t mean to imply that you don’t actually want what you think you want. I just want you to consider that the Sally you see for an hour or two at a time a couple times a month is not the *whole* Sally in all her complexities as a person. You’re seeing Sally, Curated. And no one can keep that up forever. She’s showing you her best traits and hiding her not-so-great ones until you’ve left. And she’s consciously shaping the relationship the two of you enjoy together: her goal is always to make you happy and satisfied. Were the two of you dating in the traditional sense, that would not always be her goal. Your needs and desires would cease to be more important than (or even as important as) hers, and she would expect much, much more from you.
However.
The Richard Gere to her Julia Roberts? If it’s meant to be…
I’m not going to say it never happens, because it does. Boy, does it. Not for me, but I know several escorts who have dated their clients, with varying results.
Look, maybe she’s just as into you as you are into her, and she’s been fantasizing about a “traditional” romantic relationship with you–heavy on honesty and commitment, free of compensation. Maybe she’s in love and she’s a wreck right now trying to figure out what that means for her, her professional relationship with you, and her professional relationships with her other clients.*
But you can’t be sure. And even if you ARE sure, you still should respect the boundaries that are an integral part of the escort/client relationship. No, I do not think you should pursue a romantic relationship with her. If you truly, truly believe that she wants that with you, then let her make the first move. In other words, leave your balls in her court, heh.
*I know you said that you’re not looking to rescue her, that she enjoys being an escort, and that you wouldn’t ask her to stop working as an escort, but once a significant other is in the picture, that can throw even the happiest hookers for a loop. I know, I’ve been there.
Where Do We Go From Here?
So, what now? You like her a lot, and you want to be around her, but keeping mum about how you feel can be torture. Do you keep scheduling appointments with a girl you have feelings for? Is that fair to you? Is it fair to her? That’s for you to decide, but ultimately, one of the following will happen:
You’re going to continue seeing her, and pine for something more.
You’re going to recognize that this situation breaks the cardinal rule of the escort/client relationship, take a step back, and maybe start seeing other escorts instead.
You’re going to be honest about your feelings, she won’t feel the same way, and she will likely stop meeting with you.
She’ll admit she has feelings for you, and the two of you will try the whole relationship thing.
(I’ve listed them according to how likely I think they are to happen).
Whichever you choose, I wish you luck.
Because I don’t pretend to speak for all escorts, here’s what other ladies had to say on the topic:
Danielle Evans (@MeetDanielleE) isn’t opposed to dating an FBSM (Full Body Sensual Massage) client, but she draws the line at an escort client:
@NOLACourtesan when I was an erotic masseuse I dated a client. We are now good friends. I don't think I could ever date an escort client
And then Melody Memoirs (@MelodysMemoirs) brought up something we haven’t really focused on–the escort’s ability to balance the unique nature of her job and her relationship:
@NOLACourtesan Depends, are you willing to either share him with other escorts, or give up your escorting career for him?
This is a continuation of my responses to the long list of questions sent to me by a young newbie. Today, I’m going to answer three questions on the topic of sexual experience (or lack thereof), and the role of a sex worker meeting with a sexually inexperienced client.
Who makes the first move? I am a shy person in intimate matters. I have done the deed once, and that was when I was not sober. I barely remember it. To me that doesn’t really count as an experience. So how do I let an escort know about my level of expertise in general?
My whole goal in finding a companion is not just for my own enjoyment but rather as a learning experience for future non-companion partners. I want to learn what makes a woman tick, how to please them and give them the pleasure that I can get. How do I let a companion know that I want to learn the ins and outs of pleasing a woman in bed? You know, from beginning to end. I am weak in the “length” and physique department so I need some other things in the Arsenal until I fix the physique part lol.
Many guys look at companions as their brute right and for their pleasure. But, I literally want to enjoy and learn things on a woman that you could not learn without being in a relationship. Let me know if you think my views on this is achievable and realistic. I have been scouring the Internet but it’s mostly Alpha Males and they’re Triumphs. Your blog is something I have been looking for. A chance of getting info from not a client side but by the companion side.
These are all such fantastic questions, and I really hope this is indicative of a broader trend–as in, I really hope that more young men think like he does. He has no reason to put on airs for me, as I’ll never meet with him (he lives far, far away from New Orleans and doesn’t plan to visit), and plus, he let me know at the very beginning of that email that he was only asking for help, not seeking an appointment with me. I’m gonna be pretty sad when I run out of questions form this guy…
Are you Experienced?
Who makes the first move? I am a shy person in intimate matters.
Who Makes the First Move?
I touched on this for a minute in the “How to Tell if an Escort is an Undercover Cop” post. There are a lot of misconceptions regarding what to do to avoid arrest when meeting with an escort, and I know I’ve seen (worthless) advice flying around the internet about who should make the first move. I don’t really even remember what the advice was, which is fine, because it’s bullshit anyway. You’re not going to be able to use the “entrapment” defense, so don’t bother adhering to a bunch of weird rules about who should touch whom first, or who should get undressed first, or who should take your pants off or whatever (I swear I saw something that said you (the client) should wait for the escort to take your pants off because that means she’s not a cop…or something. LOL yeah, that’s bullshit).
Here’s what I said in that post:
At the beginning of your time together, as I explained in my last post, introduce yourself, be normal and nice, make conversation, and treat this as a normal date. The monetary gift should already be in place. If she likes you, things will progress. Yes, you can “make the moves” on her, as you might with anyone you’re on a date with, unless she has made it clear that she does not want you to. And an escort is not going to stick around if she doesn’t want you to. She will either leave, or she will ask you to leave. Hopefully you’ll be graceful about it and won’t just reach over and grab her boob and honk it or something totally ridiculous (though I think I would crack up if that happened). If you’re really feeling confused as to how to get the physical intimacy started, ask for a backrub. Or even better, ask to give her a backrub! If you’re not sure what to do next, let your hands wander a bit and ask, “Is this OK?” You’ll probably start to undress each other at this point. WTF, I’m actually turning myself on picturing this, LOL.
So, to answer your question, it doesn’t really matter who makes the first move. If you want to, go ahead. But, since you say that you’re “a shy person in intimate matters,” then that might not be an option for you quite yet. If you’re too nervous, then chit-chat for a while, and gradually scoot over to sit closer and closer to her until she makes a move. Or maybe just rest your hand on her thigh while the two of you are talking. Or, like I said, ask for a backrub (or to give her one).
I have done the deed once, and that was when I was not sober. I barely remember it. To me that doesn’t really count as an experience. So how do I let an escort know about my level of expertise in general?
How to Tell an Escort You’re Sexually Inexperienced
No, not that type of experience….Look, different people see escorts for different reasons, and I think you’ll be happy to hear that A LOT of clients–especially the younger ones–don’t have a whole lot of notches on their bedposts. Several of my clients were virgins when we first met. I know you’ve “done the deed,” as you put it, but if you don’t remember it, then I can see why this is a really big deal for you. It’s like your first time, except this time you’ll be able to actually think straight (well, until things get going, and then maybe not so much, lol). This will be the first sexual experience you’ll remember!! And the best part is, you can be really open about that, and you can ask questions and seek guidance from someone who probably won’t pass judgment, whereas it might be difficult to admit your inexperience to someone in your social circle. That’s awesome, and I’m super excited for you.
So, the answer is: You don’t have to admit your inexperience at all if you don’t want to. So you’re not a sexpert. Big deal. Even if you’re completely awkward and clumsy in bed, you’re under no obligation to tell her why (and frankly, given your age, if she has two brain cells to rub together she’ll figure it out on her own).
But if you want to let her know that you’re a blank slate, I think that’s a terrific idea. It’ll be helpful to both her and you. She’ll be prepared for any awkwardness, and she’ll be able to guide you through the experience so that you can get the most out of it. So how do you say, “This is pretty much my first time with a girl because the only time I’ve done it, I was too drunk to remember”?
Easy: “This is pretty much my first time with a girl because the only time I’ve done it, I was too drunk to remember.”
It really is that simple. Just tell her what you told me. Or make something up. As long as it gets your point across (that she should expect some awkwardness and/or ignorance on your part), you’re ahead of the game.
The Escort as Coitus Coach
So you want to learn from an escort so that you can be a better lover when you sleep with non-escorts. I think that is so, so, so smart, and I 100% support that. Depending on the type of person you are, you can do this from the very beginning of that first meeting, or you can get a couple sexperiences under your belt before starting on your training. You can ask her for guidance that first time (“I really don’t know what I’m doing, so can you help me out? I want to learn.”). Or, you can just enjoy the experience that first time, and once that’s out the way, then you can begin your studly studies. Either way: how do you explain to her that this is your motivation for meeting with her?
Easy: “I want this to be a learning experience for future non-companion partners. I want to learn what makes a woman tick, how to please them and give them the pleasure that I can get. I want to learn the ins and outs of pleasing a woman in bed? You know, from beginning to end. Can you help me with this?”
(Those are his words, by the way.)
Or: “I really want to learn how to please a woman in bed so that I’ll be better prepared when I get a girlfriend. Do you think you can teach me some things?”
Remember that, even though she can doubtless teach you a LOT of valuable lessons, probably the most important thing to remember when you want to please your partner is COMMUNICATION. Different women like different things, so watch and listen to see if she likes what you’re doing, and if you’re not sure, ask. You’ll get better and better at this the more practice you get and the more your confidence improves.
Pleasing a Woman When You’re Lesser-Endowed
I am weak in the “length” and physique department so I need some other things in the Arsenal until I fix the physique part lol.
Oh honey, that is music to my ears. Some of the best lovers I’ve had were a bit on the shorter and thinner side. I can’t speak for all women, but let’s just say that the vast majority of ladies love love love to be licked. Plenty of women can only come through cunnilingus. And it’s not all that easy to find a guy who can do it well–especially not a young one. And what makes them able to do it “well”? Listening to their partner and doing what she enjoys. Learn the principles of muff-diving and a few techniques, remember to listen to your partner, and you’ll likely be golden with any girl who decides you’re boyfriend material.
Not only that, but as long as you don’t fall in love with a size queen, you cock is likely absolutely fine. An especially large penis is NOT necessary (unless, like I said, you find a “size queen”). In fact, all things being equal, many, if not most, women would prefer a lover with an “average” size penis to one with an especially large one, as the larger ones can be uncomfortable or even painful, and sometimes they make certain positions impossible.
And of course, I have to trot out the old cliche: “It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean.” It really is true. If you’re a passionate, attentive, generous lover, you’ll be A-OK.
Don’t Listen to Stupid Douchebags on the Internet
Many guys look at companions as their brute right and for their pleasure.
Those guys are gross, and I feel sorry for the women around them. It sounds like you know better than to listen to guys like that. You know that sex workers are people, and as people, we deserve respect and basic human decency.
But, I literally want to enjoy and learn things on a woman that you could not learn without being in a relationship. Let me know if you think my views on this is achievable and realistic.
I do, 100%. I’ve had clients like you. I actually had one email me not long ago to tell me that he’d found a girlfriend and they were doing the whole meeting-the-parents thing. So happy for him!!! Of course he could have done it without me, but I think I helped him with his confidence level, and confidence really is key.
I have been scouring the Internet but it’s mostly Alpha Males and they’re Triumphs.
I don’t know what a Triumph is, but I see you’ve found the delightful gentleman on the “Red Pill” subreddit and on forum.bodybuilding.com (and by “delightful gentlemen,” I mean “scarily misogynistic Eliot Rodger-types and troglodytes”)
Your blog is something I have been looking for. A chance of getting info from not a client side but by the companion side.
Awww…ladies and gentlemen, isn’t he adorable??? :)
Happy Lundi Gras, everyone!! I’ve had a chaotic day, and I finally have a chance to sit down and chill. So, I thought I’d answer a question I received from a reader about a week ago. The topic: older gentlemen and escorts. Specifically:
first of all, I would like to thank you for taking the time to generate this enormously helpful blog of information for those of us who know nothing about your profession. Thank You!
And so on to the topic no one wants to think about, older people and sex; Do they actually allow them to do that after 50? I am a gentleman in my mid-60s who lost his wife about 10 years ago to health issues. Without going into a “poor miserable me” diatribe, let me just say that the older you are, the harder it seems to fit into the dating scene, especially if you have no interest in developing another “serious” relationship after half a life time of a wonderful marriage. The fact remains, however, that the loss of a spouse does not necessarily equate to the loss of a mature gentleman’s sex drive. So, in my humble opinion, herein lies the perfect solution; perfectly pragmatic female companionship through professional escorts.
That brings me to my few questions: I notice that most escorts are much younger than me. I don’t normally see an acceptable client age range given on escort’s webpages. So, should I expect to find female escorts who would be willing to accept clients in my age range? My second question regards screening. Having never used an escort’s services, I cannot give references. Also, being retired, I am not able to furnish current employer information for a background check. How would you recommend establishing trust with prospective escorts?
I appreciate your time and indulgence.
Signed,
Oldy but Goody
Hey, Oldy!!
I am so, so sorry to hear about your wife. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to lose the person you’ve shared your body, heart, and life with for so many years. It’s understandable that you’d have little interest in building another serious relationship–but lots of interest in recreational boot-knockin’.
As for whether they “actually allow them to do that after 50”: I know you’re kidding, but HELL. YES. Lemme tell you this: practice makes perfect, and generally, the older you are, the more “sexperience” (practice) you’ve accumulated. So there are a lot of things that older gentleman know that many younger gentlemen haven’t figured out yet. Ahem.
Plus: My personal philosophy is that, as long as you’re alive, you’re never too old for sex. The sex you have at age 93 may not be exactly like the sex you had at age 23, but the happiest, most satisfied people are able to grow and adapt to changing situations. We’re all gonna get old sooner or later, if we’re lucky. Don’t let inevitable changes get in the way of the all-important HankyPanky.
So, a few observations:
Nope, we don’t let these people do this. Not allowed. At all. Ever. Too. Damn. Old.
“I notice that most escorts are much younger than me.”
Well yes, there are a lot of younger women in the game. But there are also many megawatt hotties (Cat Elliot, Cecilia Dahl, Lea Madisson, and Elisabeth Whispers are just a few escorts I know of who identify as “Mature”) who aren’t SO young that the sight of you in public with one of them on your arm would raise eyebrows. Turn heads and stop traffic? Sure. But the age difference wouldn’t scandalize the masses, unlike a certain other couple who made a bit of a splash this week. Bonus: Remember how I said “practice makes perfect,” and older gentlemen often know things that the younger gents have yet to learn? I can only assume it’s the same for ladies…
But I know that wasn’t really your question. So, moving on:
Will younger escorts see older clients?
I don’t normally see an acceptable client age range given on escort’s webpages. So, should I expect to find female escorts who would be willing to accept clients in my age range?
You know, that really depends on the escort. But you’re doing everything right: you’re checking their websites and doing research in a due-diligence effort to determine whether you make the cut. If she doesn’t explicitly state that clients must be under a certain age in order to be eligible for a date with her, I would assume she’d be happy to meet with older guys. Honestly, I don’t know any escorts who refuse clients simply because they happen to be older.* But, when in doubt, you can always email her and ask.
Having never used an escort’s services, I cannot give references. Also, being retired, I am not able to furnish current employer information for a background check. How would you recommend establishing trust with prospective escorts?
So, here’s the thing with screening: the vast majority of newbies think they’re a “special case” (“But I’m married!” “But I have a Really Important job!!” etc.), and they are absolutely, capital-W Wrong.
You, however, are a legitimately Special Case. You can’t be expected to provide references if you’ve never seen an escort. And you can’t provide employer information if you’re now retired. So what’s a guy to do?
P411 and Other Escort-Client Screening Sites
Well, there are a few options. First, you could join a screening site like P411 (Preferred411.com). You are required to provide documentation of your identity (I’m not exactly sure what kind, but I’d assume a state-issued ID or an equivalent) before you are approved and granted access to the site. Once you are approved, you can contact escorts through the site, and if they use P411 as it was intended, they’ll want to confirm that you are indeed that P411 account holder (and you aren’t sharing your account with buddies, or you haven’t sold it to someone who couldn’t get approved, etc.) when they meet you. Once you’ve seen an escort or three (or twenty–whatever, I don’t judge) from P411, you’ll have someone (or several someones) to personally vouch for you–provided you were respectful, gentlemanly, and safe. Then, when you want to meet with a provider who doesn’t use P411, you’ll have references who can vouch for you.
A caveat: Some of the escorts on P411 will not meet with you until you’ve earned two or more “Okay”s (meaning you’ve met with two escorts who have marked you on the P411 website as safe and “Okay” to meet with). This is a personal preference, and once they can confirm with other ladies that you’re fine and dandy, they’ll consider meeting with you.
Non-Traditional/Unorthodox Screening Options
There are other options, and different providers will have different requirements that you’ll need to meet before they consider you as a client. I have an option that I offer to SOME “Special Cases,” and it involves certain social media sites or a personal website or blog. I have also accepted a photo of a potential “Special Case” client’s driver’s license when we were scheduling our first date, and then I checked to make sure it was legit when I met with him. I’m really glad I did, because he is awesome and if I hadn’t been flexible (but still thorough) with screening, I never would have met him. And that would have been a shame. So, explain to her what your situation is, and ask her what you can do that would satisfy her need for personal safety. Some providers will work with you to come up with a creative solution; some won’t. But it never hurts to ask ;) Hey, that should be my motto, now that I’m doing this advice column thing!
Well, I’d blather on loquaciously for another hour, but dinner’s ready, and I’m starving. Also, I just used the word “unorthodox” in the context of escort screening. I think I’m done for the night, lol.
— Annie
Update: 3/6/17
A friend on Twitter contacted me to explain his experience with the initial verification and membership approval on P411. Screenshots below; scroll down for transcribed messages. Hope this helps!
“For P411 to approve me, I had to show my water bill in my name I thought that was strange.”
–Lol it is. Do you mind telling me what else you had to show them? No pressure, it’s just helpful info
“A copy of my (driver’s license)…address blanked out. My work (phone number).”
–But then they wanted your water bill? That has your address on it!
“No, address blanked out…name matched.”
–Ohhh ok. That makes more sense haha
“They couldn’t verify my (phone number)… I googled it. It said owned by XXXXX. They couldn’t verify it. Weird. Anyway, I didn’t renew with them since I don’t travel.”
–So you weren’t approved?
“Yes, I was…water bill did it. How can you not google a phone number? Very odd. I was with them 1 year. I had 5 okays…but thought…that’s proof of what I was doing.”
More, more, more! This is part…what, 4 now? of the questionssent to meby a young newbie. Today, I’m going to address a couple questions that EVERYONE asks at some point when they first decide to start dating escorts, or some might say, when they first “enter the “hobby” (I hate that term for it, but ya know…when in Rome…). Guys usually ask how they can tell if an escort is an undercover police officer, or if she’s working with law enforcement in some other capacity. Strangely enough, that’s one of the questions we (escorts) all ask when we first start in the biz. Seems like we have similar fears…
So, here’s how he phrased it:
How do I know if they are a cop? Are there certain things they say that a companion would never say?
First: How do (you) know if an escort is a cop?
The Bad News:
The answer is pretty simple: the same way you know if the guy sitting next to you at the bar is a cop. And the same way you know if the bartender is working with the police. And the same way you know if the guy in the car in front of you is an undercover cop. And the same way you know if the woman behind you in the grocery store checkout line is a police officer.
In short: you don’t. There’s no surefire test. Cops can and do say whatever they need to to get the job done, truthful or not. Asking an undercover cop “Are you a cop?” does NOT obligate them to answer truthfully (and it’s hilarious that people still think that’s true). Asking an undercover cop if something is illegal also doesn’t work.
The Entrapment Myth
The vast majority of people do not understand what “entrapment” means. It’s not a loophole for people who would be breaking the law anyway. You don’t get to prove that an undercover police officer misspoke, or lied, or misinformed you, and therefore “didn’t play fair.” The situations where “entrapment” actually applies are few and far between. Basically, they have to force or coerce you to do something illegal that you didn’t want to do and weren’t planning to do. I’m assuming the “entrapment” defense came about as a way to prevent what would essentially be wrongful arrest and false imprisonment: a scenario where we live in some dystopian society where law enforcement, out of boredom or the desire to fill jail cells or god-knows-what, is motivated to arrest and detain citizens, whether they are criminals or not. In that environment, undercover police officers could pose as burglars, break into your house, put a gun to your head, and force you to steal a shopping cart or wrestle a bear and then arrest you for doing so.
So that’s the bad news.
However…
Pictured: Not me, and hopefully not you.
The Good News:
The good news is, meeting with an escort is not illegal, nor is working as an escort. This is important: Escorts accept compensation for their time. This is not a bullshit statement to be taken lightly. Escorts do not sell sex. If you pay for an hour with an escort, she is under no obligation to engage in sexual activity with you (for that matter, no one is ever obligated to have sex with anyone else, paid or not).
We (and by “we,” I mean “the royal we”) interrupt this blog post for a brief message about sex workers’ rights and the whorearchy:
I want to make this very, very clear: I do NOT look down on people who sell sex. I do not consider escorts to be “above” street sex workers (which is what most people think of when they hear the word “prostitute”). I don’t consider myself somehow “better” than a woman who advertises certain sexual activities for money. I, along with damn near every authority on the subject (including, but not limited to: Amnesty International, the World Health Organization (WHO), the Global Alliance Against Traffic in Women (GAATW), Human Rights Watch, and sex-workers’ rights advocacy and sex-worker-led organizations all over the world) support the full decriminalization of all sex work–that is, work in the adult entertainment and services industry–as that’s the best approach where ethics, public safety, and public health are concerned. But until that happens, we should all be mindful of the distinction between what is legal and what is not, even when that distinction seems silly (hey, just add a camera, and it’s porn, which is 100% legal!).
Do escorts sleep with clients? Sure, if they want to. Consensual sex between adults is not illegal. So arrive on time, freshly showered and smelling nice, and place the envelope on the dresser (or wherever she has specified on her website). Be in a good mood, be respectful, and just be a nice person. Anything that ends up happening between two consenting adults is simply…what sometimes happens between consenting adults. ;)
Time vs. Sex
The problem here is that many, many, many people confuse selling time with selling sex. This is why you may see “escorts” (women who call themselves escorts, anyway) offering certain sexual activities for certain dollar amounts. Oh, and phrasing it as “50 ‘Roses'” or “200 ‘Kisses'” is not only cheesy; it’s pointless. Same with using acronyms and code words. Asking “How much for a BJ?” or “Do you allow MSOG?” or “Do you charge extra for Greek?” is NOT going to help you avoid arrest, dumbass. Come on. Cops aren’t stupid. Do you really think they’ll be fooled? Do you really think “BJ” is going to throw them off? Do you really think they have no idea what “Greek” means? Furthermore, the law isn’t stupid. “But officer, I didn’t offer her 160 dollars; I offered her 160 roses!” isn’t going to keep you out of jail.
So if you don’t want to be arrested, don’t do anything illegal, and don’t meet with “escorts” who are doing anything illegal.
Don’t Ask For Advice From Idiots on the Internet
There are lots of tips on the internet that are ridiculously misguided. I saw one that said “Ask her to text you a nude photo. Cops can’t do that.” The hell they can’t. Why wouldn’t they be able to? Even if they don’t have an attractive female undercover police officer willing to get naked and take a selfie, it takes like 2 minutes to find a sexy naked selfie on the internet. Also, no self-respecting (OK fine, unless she enjoys doing that) escort is going to send you nudes for free. First off, um no, what if you know our dads or something? Secondly, there are websites where we can get paid for that nowadays, lol. Same thing with inviting her over for “nude modeling.” Um, no. I’m not going to some guy’s hotel for him to take a bunch of shittily composed, badly-lit, identifying photos of me walking around naked so that he can post them all over the internet and/or use them against me. You’re going to miss out on a lot of great opportunities if you limit yourself to people who are willing to let a complete stranger have that much freedom with their images.
Are there certain things undercover police officers say that a companion would never say?
Yep: “You’re under arrest.”
Well, I guess an escort might say that if you’re both into that kind of role play…but I digress.
Ok, you have to keep reminding yourself that prostitution (the exchange of sex for money) is illegal; escorting (the exchange of time and attention for money) is not.
So, if someone offers to give you a BJ for $100? Go for it if you want, but know that you are breaking the law. If you offer someone $250 for sex and she accepts, that’s all fine and good, as long as you both know that you’re engaging in illegal activity and you’re comfortable with the risk of consequences.
Escorts who are not breaking the law will not offer you sex for money. And many of us don’t like to talk about money, first because it ruins the mood and the fantasy, and second because it can devolve into a man morphing into a crasser version of himself–the version that “thinks with the wrong head,” forgets that we are people, and starts trying to negotiate dollar amounts for activities which, as you know, is illegal.
How to Ask What Sexual Activities an Escort Does or Doesn’t Do
How do I find out about what they can or don’t do without incriminating myself or sounding like an idiot?
Why do you need to ask this before you’ve even started? Who does that? I mean, I guess some people do, but I find that really odd, if you want to be intimate with a person, as opposed to a list of activities.
At the beginning of your time together, as I explained in my last post, introduce yourself, be normal and nice, make conversation, and treat this as a normal date. The monetary gift should already be in place. If she likes you, things will progress. Yes, you can “make the moves” on her, as you might with anyone you’re on a date with, unless she has made it clear that she does not want you to. And an escort is not going to stick around if she doesn’t want you to. She will either leave, or she will ask you to leave. Hopefully you’ll be graceful about it and won’t just reach over and grab her boob and honk it or something totally ridiculous (though I think I would crack up if that happened). If you’re really feeling confused as to how to get the physical intimacy started, ask for a backrub. Or even better, ask to give her a backrub! If you’re not sure what to do next, let your hands wander a bit and ask, “Is this OK?” You’ll probably start to undress each other at this point. WTF, I’m actually turning myself on picturing this, LOL.
Ahem, anyway. Really, all I’m doing here is telling you how to initiate sex with a woman. Escorts are women. Go with the flow, checking in along the way, and ask for what you want in the moment. Communication is key.
As for not incriminating yourself: Again, don’t exchange money for sex.
As for sounding like an idiot: we all sound like idiots sometimes, so the sooner you get used to it, the better.
So I’m safe, right?
All of this being said, if the police want to arrest you, they’ll find a way. Sorry, that’s the world we live in.
Your best bet is to decrease your risk: meet with providers who are unlikely to be undercover cops, and who are unlikely to be targeted by police.
Think logically. Is an escort who has been around for a while, who maintains a presence online, who obviously cares about the image she’s presenting to potential clients, likely to be a cop? Probably not. If she were meeting with guys simply to arrest them, word would get out pretty quickly. That’s the beauty of the internet. Within an hour of being bailed out of jail, the guy would be pounding away at his keyboard, making sure everyone who would even THINK about seeing an escort knew not to meet with her.
Now, think like law enforcement. The exchange of sex for money is criminalized for no good reason (other than time-honored prudery and the power of the “moral majority”), and I’m willing to bet that the vast majority of police officers couldn’t care less what consenting adults do behind closed doors and why they do it. But they don’t write the laws; they just do the job. And, for now, stings are part of the job. “Stings” happen for a reason. Usually, the goal is one of the following:
“Clean up the streets”: Remove sex workers and their customers from the area (the area’s being gentrified, new money is coming in, and the newcomers want “those icky people” to disappear).
“Be tough on crime”: There’s an election coming up–Quick! Everybody look busy! Make some arrests!
Don’t go cruising around in your car offering people money for sex.
Don’t see escorts who seem not to consider their own safety before agreeing to meet with you (i.e., they don’t screen) (if the goal is to make arrests, law enforcement isn’t going to make it difficult for you)
Don’t meet with escorts who you think might be forced or coerced to sell sex, or who appear to be minors. As a matter of fact, I suggest meeting with women you’re damn sure aren’t minors (partly because you don’t want to risk meeting with someone too young to consent, and partly because cougars are hot).
Great question. There’s the old cliche of “clothes make the man,” but like all cliches, there’s an element of truth to it, albeit oversimplified. People judge us by how we present ourselves, and clothes and grooming are a huge part of that. And it’s not that people are shallow (thought lots of people are); much of this is subconscious. Since you’re already working with a limited amount of time when you meet with an escort, it’s probably best to start off on the right foot.
You don’t have to get dressed up, but it’s best not to look sloppy. First off, wear freshly-laundered clothing. Actually, if you’ve been at work all day, it’s probably best to go home, bathe, and put on a fresh change of clothes. Jeans and a nice T-shirt is fine, but jeans and a nice button-down shirt is better (and can be more fun to take off). If it’s a hot day, think about fabrics–just say no to polyester, or you’ll be sweaty before you even arrive.
I haven’t shaved “down there” for a while, but what is the formality. Trim or bare?
Sandy Johnson, Playboy magazine’s Playmate of the Month for the June 1974. I’m pretty sure this was her centerfold photo. Check out that glorious bush!
Should You Shave Before Meeting an Escort?
Ah, see…this is a touchy subject, especially for me. I’m gonna try to stay off my soapbox, though.
It’s really a matter of preference, and despite that fact that, at least in certain circles, “The bush is back,” I think that many people today have a weird aversion to body hair (especially “down there”). A lot of it has to do with fashion and trends. Fashion is cyclical. Just like clothing styles, trends in grooming (like hairstyles, facial hair, and yes, pubic hair) come and go in cycles. The full bush was big (pardon the pun) in the ’70s, as anyone who’s ever found an old Playboy magazine knows. Bare skin has been “in” in the world of porn for a long time, though it seems like that might be changing slowly but surely.
Trends go in and out of style, and that’s to be expected, but what bothers me is that a lot of people are misinformed and they actually think that pubic hair is unhealthy or not hygeinic. This couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s there for a few reasons, but one of the most important ones is that it helps to decrease the friction of skin-on-skin, so that parts of us that rub together won’t chafe. And though removing it isn’t inherently unhealthy either, I choose not to remove mine and go completely bare. Shaving damages that delicate skin and can cause tiny tears and cuts, and I want my skin to be as intact of a barrier against infection as possible.
There’s nothing wrong with hair. Some people really, really, really like it, and find a lot of hair to be INCREDIBLY sexy.
As for me, I do not have a full bush. I do partially shave the general “down there” area, and I trim the rest very neatly. However, as you can see, I am NOT completely bare. I like the way it looks, and since the vast majority of my clients are older gents, they enjoy it too. That being said, there’s no denying that the completely hairless look has been the standard for a while (at least for women) and especially in the adult entertainment industry. Because of that, I think a lot of people–especially younger people–are a bit put off by the presence of pubic hair. So, you might want to play it safe: unless you enjoy shaving and it’s something you want to do, I’d just trim it very neatly to “clean it up.” I’ve seen bad shave-jobs, and that was certainly off-putting. But no escort is going to be put off by a well-groomed (but not hairless) package. Really, the most important thing is to clean very well with soap and hot water–whether you have hair or not–before you meet with a provider.
What do I say when I meet them?
What to Say When You First Meet an Escort
“Hi Sally, it’s great to meet you! You look great. Thanks for meeting with me today!”
Ok, you don’t have to say that verbatim, but I was new to this once, and I was also new to dating at one point, and I know that when you’re in a new situation, sometimes it helps to know what you’re going to say in those very first few seconds.
Again, this may vary from escort to escort, but I know quite a few escorts, and we pretty much all agree that it’s really best to just be “normal.” There are no coded phrases or actions I expect a client to do when we meet. And what I’ve discovered after escorting for a few years is that the best clients are the ones who are simply genuinely nice people who respect me as they would any other woman they’ve asked out on a date. I’m a person. How would you attempt to put any other person at ease upon first meeting them?
Well, you’d try to be normal, hence the “Hi.” “Hi” or “Hello” are normal, non-weird things to say when you meet someone, LOL. Then you’d give some standard social nicety (“It’s great to meet you!”). And you’d also do well to be nice. That’s where “You look great” comes in. Y’all know damn well we love compliments. You’re not gonna go wrong by complimenting a woman on her appearance, hahaha. This is a little more advanced, but you’ll do especially well if you compliment her on something \she chose, not something she was necessarily born with, like her cool shoes or her really unique necklace or something. This works best if you genuinely do like the thing you’re complimenting. Last but not least, thank her for meeting with you. This is something you do on non-escort dates, in meetings with professors, in meetings with employers and business contacts, and in various other professional and social contexts. Not only that, but let’s not forget that she has taken a leap of faith by meeting with you, and though it was ultimately her decision to do so, it’s nice to show that you appreciate that.
At this point, one (or both) of you may want to make sure money is taken care of. Which brings me to your next question…
If it’s incall where and how do I place the money? Same for outcall?
How to Pay an Escort
Here in the US, the exchange of money is a little tricky the first time you meet with a certain provider. You don’t know each other yet, so trust hasn’t been established yet. Providers have to worry about a lot of things when meeting with a new client, safety being chief among them. But as far as money is concerned, escorts may be thinking:
Why is he handing me the money? Why is he asking how much it would cost for (anal/a threesome/”just” a blowjob)? Is he a cop, or is he working with law enforcement in some capacity? Is he trying to trick me into offering sex for money, or accepting money for sex?
Is this guy going to shortchange me? Did he bring $X instead of $2X?
Does he even have the money? What if he doesn’t intend to give me anything?
Is he going to rob me? At the end of the session, will he jump up, grab the money, and run out?
I haven’t had a chance to go to the bank yet, and I have $XYZ in my purse. I really hope he’s not a thief. I better not let my purse out of my sight…
Of course you, as a client, probably have very similar worries. This is why you do your research on a provider before you decide to meet with her.
Check her website and/or ad. Many providers will have instructions re: what to do with the money on their websites/ads so that they never have to speak about it with clients on the phone, via email, or in person.
If you can’t find that info, there are a few pretty standard methods.
For outcall (the escort comes to you):
You can put the money in an envelope and place the envelope in plain sight (like on the dresser) before she arrives. You can write her first name on the front of the envelope just to be extra clear.
You can put the money in an envelope and place it in the bathroom. She will probably excuse herself to the restroom shortly after she arrives, either to freshen up, or because she assumes you have left the envelope in there for her. This method is preferred by many escorts because she can then retrieve and count the money in private and secure it in her purse without feeling awkward because she’s being watched.
Some escorts like for the money to be laid out in plain sight (like on the dresser), but not in an envelope. This is because they want to be able to see it and count it quickly at the very beginning of the date so that they know that they’re not being shorted. Many providers have been burned by guys who shortchanged them significantly, but they didn’t realize it until they counted the cash in the envelope afterwards.
For incall (you go to the escort’s location):
Same as outcall, pretty much. Walk in and place the envelope in plain sight, and don’t really acknowledge it.
The takeaway:
Have her money, either in an envelope or slightly fanned/spread out, where she can see it, and don’t talk about it.
Ok, well…this blog post is getting long, and I’ve covered a lot of ground. Also, I’m kind of hungry. So, forgive me, but I’m going to post it as is, and answer more later. Feel free to comment below with thoughts you’d like to contribute and/or any advice you have!
This is a continuation of my previous post, in which I shared a list of questions a young newbie sent me a while back. I get questions in my email inbox often (from clients, potential clients, potential escorts, and people who aren’t part of the escort/client world but happened to find my blog and were interested enough to write). At some point I’ll get around to answering all of them. But since this list is from a newbie, and since these are questions a lot of newbies have, I thought it would be good to put this info up for ALL the newbies out there. Also, I’ll admit I was a bit amused by the sense of urgency with which he asked these questions, and I was charmed by his apparent concern for getting the etiquette right when calling an escort on the phone. Good job, Anonymous Newbie. You’re off to a great start.
I answered a relatively easy question first (Why do some escorts prefer older men?), so if that’s something you’ve wondered about in the past, please check out my extremely short and sweet answer, lol. Also, if you know the artist for the image from The Graduate, please let me know. It looks like it was taken from an original poster for the film. I love that movie, and I love Anne Bancroft in it. Mrs. Robinson one of my idols when it comes to assertiveness and the art of seduction.
Anyway, today I’m addressing his question about calling an escort–a question that is actually many questions in one. So, without further ado, here are his questions and my answers:
I wanted to know as an absolute newbie how do I make a date with a companion either from Backpage to P411. From the blog I see you are busy and your time is valuable, however I am not looking for a synopsis but an in depth explanation. So let me clarify on my question.
First, I wanted to know the etiquette of talking to a companion on the phone.
OK, here’s where I admit that I’m a little out of my element. I generally am not available on short notice, unless I happen to have had a cancellation. My clients tend to contact me well in advance, and they don’t necessarily need an answer this second. I do understand that not all providers work that way, though. Many providers go to their private incall (or book a hotel room) and devote their entire day(s) to seeing clients. Those providers probably appreciate phone calls because it’s a quick way to schedule something immediately.
Personally, I don’t like to set up dates over the phone. Why? Because I’m all over the place all day long–rushing to a yoga class, going to the gym, WAITING FOR THE REPAIR GUY FOR THE THIRD DAY IN A ROW (grumble grumble), hurrying to get ready for my day job, etc. If the phone rings, I can’t always drop what I’m doing, pull out my calendar, check my schedule, and then jot down screening info (contact info for other providers, and/or info to verify client identity [within reason], etc.). And sometimes, the only time I really have to do all that is late at night, when it’s not appropriate for clients to call me (or for me to call them).
So, I much prefer to get all the important info out of the way via email, and then confirm by phone/text as necessary. However, there are times that I may go several days without checking email, and in those situations, I appreciate a call or a text to say “Hey, I’m trying to set something up with you. Can you get back to me ASAP on this?” Some clients (who know me and my tendencies all too well, lol) will even call me first and say, “Hey, I’ll be in town for a conference next week. I’m about to email you my schedule; let me know if you can meet up any of those nights.” Then, as soon as I have a chance to sit down and focus for a few minutes, I can read the email he sent, check my calendar, figure out a time and day that works for both of us, reply to his email, and confirm the day, time, and location of our date.
That said, I have occasionally set up dates via phone in the past, especially with clients who weren’t very internet/computer savvy. So, I’ll try to answer these questions as well as I can.
How do I introduce myself?
The same way you’d introduce yourself to anyone else. “Hi, Sally. My name is Joe Shmoe. I saw your ad/website/whatever, and I’d like to spend some time with you later today/next Wednesday/February 29th/whatever.”
What can I ask, and what can’t I ask?
Well, what do you need to ask? You should know the important stuff before you even contact that girl whose ad you’ve been drooling over. Let’s make a list, shall we?
Important Stuff You Should Know Before Deciding to Call That Escort
Is she legit?
Is the girl in the ads the same person as the girl you’ll meet on the date?
Is it dangerous to meet with her?
Does she have any problems that have caused her to behave recklessly with clients in the past? Does she attract the attention of law enforcement by being indiscreet about escorting or recreational drug use, or by disturbing the peace? Is she law enforcement?? Is she prone to violence? Has she stolen from or assaulted former would-be clients? These are things you can generally figure out with a little poking around. If there’s not much info about her, well…I guess you have to do a cost/benefit analysis. I don’t advise seeing anyone who is not a well-established provider. But the risks are yours to weigh.
What are her rates?
These will be somewhere on her ad or website. You should not have to ask. If she has them listed on her ad and/or website and you ask her what her rates are, she may become suspicious as to why you’re asking. Perhaps you’re going to try to haggle with her. Or maybe you’re trying to negotiate price for specific activities. She would be right to be suspicious of your motives.
If her rates aren’t listed on her website, there should be a good reason for that (maybe the site she’s advertising on doesn’t allow her to list her rates, or maybe she’s finding clients via Craigslist personals or Backpage personals, and a list of rates would get her flagged by other site users).
So, back to your question: What can/can’t you ask?
Date/Time/Location: You can ask if she’s available on the specific day and time that you’d like to meet. If you’re not sure, you can ask if she does outcalls/incalls.
Activities and gifts/compensation: This is personal preference, but unless you’re 100% sure she doesn’t mind, you should not ask about sex or money via the phone. She is an escort. If you’re respectful, clean, and nice to her, things will get physical.
Maybe there’s one specific act you’re looking for, and it’s a dealbreaker if she doesn’t offer it. Still, don’t ask about it on the phone. In that case, you need to either find another girl who explicitly offers that–she might say so on her website, ad(s), or online escort board profile(s), if that’s allowed (though she’s not obligated to do that with you, even if she does it with other clients). But keep in mind that many providers will never explicitly state which activities they “offer.” So, you may need to gamble. By “gamble,” I mean that you book an appointment, place the envelope/gift in plain sight, and see what happens–will she or won’t she be into that thing you really, really enjoy? If you don’t have your answer once things are hot and heavy, you can ask then.* If she says no, there’s your answer. Consider it a learning experience. Now you know she doesn’t offer that–wwell, not to you, at least). If you think it’s important that other guys know that ahead of time, let them know that she did not offer it to you. Remember, “YMMV” (Your Mileage May Vary) applies to every. single. provider. She does not have to participate in the same exact activities with every single client.
If she doesn’t advertise her rates, I suppose the safest question to ask would be: “What should I bring (for you)?”
*Communication and consent are SO important. Get used to asking for what you like and talking/checking in to make sure everything’s a-ok during sex. I promise you, it’s cool, it doesn’t break the mood, and most people do it without even thinking about it anyway. Plus, you can learn a lot of new things by communicating with your partner in bed ;)
How do I ask about making an appointment?
“Hi, Sally. My name is Joe Shmoe. I saw your ad/website/whatever, and I’d like to spend some time at my hotel/your incall/my home with you later today/next Wednesday/February 29th/whatever.”
You can get all of this out in one blurt. Trust me, this is a lot better than beating around the bush, so to speak. These days, lots of us are pretty awkward on the phone with strangers (ahem, not that I am one of those people…OK FINE, I AM), and those weird clumsy silences can be painful. Just say hello, introduce yourself, and tell her when(day & time) and where (your hotel or neighborhood, or her incall) you’d like to meet. She’ll either accept your invitation, or she’ll ask for an alternative day/time.
Then, if she’s smart and cautious, she will screen you. More about this later.
How do I ask about the donation amount and how they want to receive it?
Again, her rates should be posted somewhere on her ad or website. If you can’t find them anywhere, proceed with caution. Use careful phrasing. I would ask, “What should I bring for you?” If she’s clueless as to what you mean by that (and oh lord, I really hope she catches your drift because otherwise I’d begin to doubt her mental competency), you can ask something like, “What should I put in the envelope for you?”
As to how the provider wants to receive her money, I can’t speak for everyone, but I like it to be in a plain white envelope in an easily-visible, obvious location when I arrive. It’s also nice to put my name on it ;)
How do I ask where to meet, whether in call or out call?
Again, that will usually be on her ad or website. Some providers (like me–I don’t host) only do outcalls. Some providers (like a few friends of mine, who’d rather stay in one place) only do incalls. In my experience, clients usually know where they want to meet. The vast majority of the time, they know I don’t do incalls, because I make that pretty clear on most of my ads/profiles, etc., and that’s perfectly fine with them, because they don’t want to leave their fancy hotel (and I don’t blame them!). But every once in a while someone will contact me and assume he can come to me. Alas, that’s where he and I part ways, because I have no plans to host clients at a private incall location anytime soon.
If you don’t know whether she provides incall, outcall, or both, then decide what you’d prefer, and ask for that.
If you want an outcall: “Can you meet me at the Ritz Carlton at 8pm tonight?” You can give her your room number then, or if you’re feeling chivalrous (or the elevators require keycard access), you can ask if she’d like to come directly up to your room, or if she’d rather you to meet her downstairs in the lobby, or out front of the hotel, or at the bar. Keep in mind that her time starts when she meets you. So, if you decide you’d like to chat over drinks at the bar for 45 minutes before heading upstairs, you should either prepare for a quickie, or ask if you can pay her for more time.
If you want an incall: “Can you host?” If she says yes, then ask her for her location. Easy peasy. Some girls do a two-call system: She’ll first tell you the general area (like her apartment complex, her hotel, her neighborhood, or her street), and she’ll tell you to call her back once you get there so that she can give you the exact address/apartment number/room number.
How do I know if it is a cop on the other end?
You don’t, unfortunately. Cops can and do lie. They do that (and worse) to sex workers all the time. I wish I could tell you otherwise. I wish I could say there was a foolproof, fail-proof trick to tell whether you’re talking to a cop or not. But I can’t.
The best you can do is to be smart and careful. Do your research. Has she been around for a few years, as is evidenced by an active website and/or blog and/or social media accounts and/or activity on online boards (TER, ECCIE, etc.) and/or reviews? If someone’s maintained an active online presence for years, it’s pretty unlikely she’s a cop. But I guess anything’s possible, and you really never know. I can’t promise anything. That’s why a lot of clients find a provider they like and stick with her.
Please don’t go out there calling the numbers on random, thrown-together ads willy-nilly. I don’t want you to get robbed or arrested. If all you suffer is a simple bait-and-switch, consider yourself lucky. Do your homework!
How do I ask for them to verify me as I have no references?
She’ll ask. When she asks for references, tell her you have none because you’re a newbie. She might want to verify you via employment verification. She might just Google your phone number. She might not screen you at all. Let’s hope you find providers who care enough about their safety to do some sort of screening.
You mentioned that you’re on P411, but you don’t have any “Okay”s yet because you haven’t seen any providers yet. Some providers will see you anyway, because they know your identity has been verified by P411.
The level of screening can vary quite a bit from provider to provider. Many will ask you for provider references (contact info of providers you’ve previously met with who can vouch for you). Some require employment verification (they may want to make a quick call to your office while you’re there to make sure that yes, you really are Dr. Joe Shmoe, podiatrist, and not Creepy Carny Clyde, the drunken tilt-a-whirl operator who just got out of prison for the attempted murder of his ex-wife). If she’s like me, she’ll prefer to do this via email, and she probably has a boring, unassuming email address that she uses for that purpose only. Others may simply check your phone number to make sure no one has posted an urgent warning about you, Clyde.
About a month ago, I received the following email:
Hello Annie,
I have a few questions about setting up a date for the first time and other info.The date is not with you but in general for other companions. I stumbled upon your blog and found it fascinating. I really love your writing style. I read all three of your verification parts. You have alot of info on your blog so I don’t know if you have talked about this info or not. I wanted to know as an absolute newbie how do I make a date with a companion either from Backpage to P411. From the blog I see you are busy and your time is valuable, however I am not looking for a synopsis but an in depth explanation. So let me clarify on my question.
First, I wanted to know the etiquette of talking to a companion on the phone.
How do introduce myself?
What can I ask and what can’t I ask?
How do I ask about making an appointment?
How do I ask about the donation amount and how they want to receive it?
How do I ask where to meet whether in call or out?
How do I know if it is a cop on the other end?
How do I ask for them to verify me as I have no references?
(I have read your three verification posts and I had joined P411. I have had my employment verified and have a year subscription. I want to know how to bring it up and respond when they ask about my references.)
My next question is on etiquette with the same questions but on email or P411 appointment requests.
My third question is I live in [Anytown, USA] and majority ads are on Backpage with out any reviews how do I find out if they are legit or not?( Also any other places I should look for companions other than T.E.R, E.C.C.I.E, and the monkey one in my area.)
My fourth question is many of the companions are much older than I am but once they hear my age they want nothing to do with me. How do I get my foot through the door with my age. I am 20 Years old and a big guy. I know my age is young but I go to school and work for a living so I dont have time for relationships. Even though my weight has been a big factor in my dating scene. I still want to experience things while I try to lose my weight. Which is a long journey from now. I am very mature for my age. I am a well mannered person. I keep myself well groomed and clean as is physically possible. As a guy who ways 240lbs image and cleanliness means more than anything possible.
My fifth question is if I do finally hit gold. What is the etiquette on the date:
What should I wear?
I haven’t shaved “down there” for a while, but what is the formality. Trim or bare?
What do I say when I meet them?
If it’s incall where and how do I place the money? Same for outcall?
What do I talk about and don’t?
How do I find out about what they can or don’t do without incriminating myself or sounding like an idiot?
How do I know if they are a cop, is there certain things they say that a companion would never?
Who makes the first move and I am a shy person in intimate matters. I have the deed once and that was when I was not sober. I barely remember it. To me that doesn’t really count as an experience. So how do I let them know about my level of expertise in general.
My whole goal in finding a companion is not just for my own enjoyment but rather a learning experience for future non companion partners. I want to learn what makes a woman tick. How to please them and give them the pleasure that I can get. How do I let a companion know that I want to learn the ins and outs of pleasing a woman in bed. You know from beginning to end. I am weak in the “length” and physique department so I need some other things in the Arsenal until I fix the physique part lol.
Many guys look at companions as their brute right and for their pleasure. But, I literally want to enjoy and learn things on a woman that you could not learn without being in a relationship. Let me know if you think my views on this is achievable and realistic. I have been scouring the Internet but it’s mostly Alpha Males and they’re Triumphs. Your blog is something I have been looking for. A chance of getting info from not a client side but by the companion side.
This is everything that my mind has been searching for on this subject but I have gotten no where. I know I wrote a shit ton lol. It would mean a lot if you helped me. If you need something in return let me know. I am hopeful of your response.
P.S. I know this email is fake. That is to make sure no one stumbles on this email message also please excuse any grammatically and punctuational errors as I have typed and formatted this on my phone. I’m not as good at writing as you are!
Thank You,
[Joe Shmoe]
My Response:
There are a lot of questions here! I’m finally sufficiently inspired to start my escort/client advice client. And fortunately, this one email has provided me with a ton of material. So I’ve chosen to break them up into a few blog entries. Here’s my response to the age-old “old-age” question. Here goes!
Q: Why do some escorts prefer older clients?
A: I suspect it’s because the provider has kids your age and either it seems weird, or she’s afraid you could be a friend of her kids. How awkward would it be if you met a wonderful girl a year or two from now and fell deeply, passionately in love (partially because you’re a fantastic, skilled, generous lover, thanks to all the practice you’ve had with a skilled escort), and when she brought you home to meet her amazing family, you and her mother immediately recognize each other because mom is the one who taught you all those techniques? A sudden and unintended Mrs. Robinson moment.
Sure, it’s sexy in the movie…at first. This is why some escorts don’t see younger clients.
Yikes. So yeah, besides the absolutely horrifying (and yet…maybe kinda sexy? just a little? kidding, kidding) situation you’d be in, the escort (aka your future mother-in-law) would in quite a pickle herself. I know a lot of ladies with kids have very strict rules set in place so that their children aren’t negatively impacted by their choice of work.
As for ladies who are very young, well, it’s a small world. Perhaps she’s afraid to see very young clients because, since you’re in the same age group, the chances of you having mutual friends are significantly higher.
I know that I do *usually* shy away from very young guys, especially guys under 21, mostly because I’m worried about engaging in ANY adult activity with someone that young. If I arrived and they were drinking, for example, could I be charged with Contributing? And what if they’re actually only 17, but have a really good fake ID?!?! I would be pretty nervous. You seem really mature and like you have a good head on your shoulders though, so I’d probably be OK with meeting with you…
Recently, on one of the local internet forums, I came across the following question from a client. Never one to pass up a conversation even tangentially related to the criminalization of sex work, I started to answer his question, but my explanation quickly grew and kind of veered off-topic. So, I decided to post it here instead.
I wonder though, that if sex work was ever legalized, if the value of your time would decrease? Just a question… As supply increases, demand lowers.
My answer:
This is a great question. The short answer is “probably.” But…
Here’s the long answer:
There’s a huge difference between legalization and decriminalization.
Legalization
In legalization, our work is legal, but only under certain conditions determined by the state. The problem with this is…well, just look at Nevada. Well, no. First, let’s look at Storyville.
God forbid we mention of the actual sex workers, whose work was the entire purpose of the district.
Storyville: The “Red Light District” Approach, Exploitation, and a Two-Tiered Legality
As much as we in New Orleans (myself included) romanticize Storyville, New Orleans’s legal red light district between the years of 1897 and 1917, legalized prostitution was similarly problematic back then. Women were only permitted to sell sexual services in one part of town. A girl could not legally, say, meet a client in her own home, negotiate a price, and accept payment for the time she spent with him. The only legal way to accept payment for her erotic labor was to pay a brothel owner/manager in Storyville for the privilege of working there, and pay grossly inflated rent prices to the building owner, who rented out “cribs” (tiny closet-like rooms for the purpose of prostitute/client meetings and transactions) to working girls by the day. Needless to say, lots of people got filthy rich between 1897 and 1917, and most of them weren’t the actual working girls.
OK, now jump forward 100 years and to the West 2,143.9 miles (according to Google Maps), and let’s talk bout Nevada. In a couple of counties, full service sex work is legal, but only in licensed brothels. Workers must also go buy a license from a government office ($$, and the worker’s information becomes public, btw), and they can only work for a brothel that has permission from the state. While working for the brothel, they cannot leave the premises. They must also
pay for rent and meals at the brothel–you’re not allowed to get an apartment or buy your own groceries,
pay for weekly trips for STI tests at a doctor the state has chosen for that purpose,
pay for the van trips to that doctor,
allow the brothel owner to see their medical info before they can,
give up (I think) half their earnings to the brothel owner, and
rely on the brothel owner for pretty much anything they need for work, which means prices are inflated, etc.
Basically, it becomes a get-rich-quick scheme for the state, the brothel owner, the doctor and his/her staff, and everyone but the people doing the actual sexual labor. Ironically, one of the justifications given for this type of system is that providers need protection from exploitation (“pimps”). So, instead of allowing a provider to work independently (advertising, screening, negotiating with and meeting clients without anyone else interfering in that process), the state requires the use of a 3rd party, who is involved in (and profits from) the transaction.
Criminalization of the Most Vulnerable, Legalization for the Privileged
And let’s not forget the fact that not everyone will be able to afford that license or all the fees required to get start working at the brothel (licensing fees, transportation costs, required brothel-owned transportation service from airport to brothel, required up-front rent, required up-front food money, etc.). Nor will everyone who wants the job be hired to work in the brothel.
So basically, there are a few people who can work legally, as long as they give quite a bit of their earnings to a bunch of people who don’t have much to do with the actual work being done. And everyone else goes to jail if they get caught.
This is only one form of legalization, but it shows how problematic legalization can be. On the surface, it sounds great, especially to those who have no experience working in this business or meeting with escorts. Keep hookers hidden away from good, regular folks in society? Great! Force them to be tested weekly? Awesome–lord knows they’re vectors for disease otherwise! Require that they work under the supervision of a babysitter who knows what’s best for them? Fine idea! Mandate a government-issued license to fuck? Sounds logical to me! (This is sarcasm, in case you can’t tell).
In reality, there are several problems with the “legalization” type of approach. As I said before, those who are most vulnerable (poor people) will not be able to afford to work legally, and will continue to work illegally and suffer the consequences. And providers who may not be the brothel owner’s “type” for whatever reason (race, age, body size, looks) will also not be able to work legally, and will continue to work illegally and suffer the consequences. I don’t think it’s fair to set up a system that punishes poorer, or fatter, or older providers for doing the same thing their wealthier, thinner, younger counterparts are doing, nor is it an improvement on the system we already have.
In addition (and to me, this is the most important part), I think it’s flat-out wrong for the state to legislate who can fuck whom, as long as everyone is of legal age and is consenting. It is absurd to say that it’s OK and legal for consenting adults to have sex for this reason (love, horniness, the desire to get back at an ex, etc.) but not that one (the need to pay one’s rent or phone bill, the desire to buy a fancy new dress, etc.).
Decriminalization: What Sex Workers Want
Now, with decriminalization, it’s no longer illegal to trade sex for money. You can pay for it. You can sell it. As long as both parties are of legal age and consenting, it’s your business. There will still be certain regulations, of course, but no new laws need to be made, because laws covering those issues already exist. For example, most rational people would object to allowing the buying and selling of sex in a park or at the grocery store. Well, we already have laws prohibiting public nudity and public sex. The same goes for forced sexual labor–we already have laws against rape.
What most individuals working in the world of erotic services want is decriminalization, because then it ceases to be illegal for providers to do the work they do. And it ceases to be illegal for our clients to…well, to be clients.* All we want is to have the right to have the same sexual encounters that everyone else is free to have without fearing arrest because someone leaves us a little monetary compensation for our time and attention.
*Please don’t confuse decriminalization with the “Nordic Model.” Advocates of the “Nordic Model” will often use the term “decriminalization,” perhaps out of ignorance, or perhaps in an attempt to obfuscate the truth–that the “Nordic Model” is almost universally opposed by sex workers themselves. The “Nordic Model” takes an “end demand” approach–sex workers are no longer criminalized, but clients are. Obviously, that’s a really shitty situation for us–would you want the purchase of your products and/or services to be criminalized? Do you think a doctor’s practice could succeed if it were illegal for patients to visit? What about financial advisers? How profitable would that business be if it were illegal to seek financial advice? What if it were legal to sell alcohol, but not to buy it? Do you think bartenders would feel “safe” and “protected,” or would they just want to go back to slinging beers to their law-abiding customers in peace? You see, we do want to right to work without fear of arrest, but we don’t want our clients to be criminalized. Not only would we have a more difficult time finding clients, but when there’s that much of an imbalance re: risk of arrest (as in, we would be taking no risk by meeting with clients, but they would be risking arrest every time they chose to visit an escort), all kinds of unexpected consequences arise. And of course, the majority of them ultimately put sex workers at risk.
The Rates Question
So, your question was whether our rates will have to drop if and when this work is legalized. Legalized? Well…probably not. Legalization comes with all kinds of “you can do this, but…” caveats, and those caveats cost lots of money. Those brothels in Nevada? Those girls’ rates aren’t cheap, unless they’re desperate because they owe the brothel owner $$$. Decriminalized? Maybe. Once there’s no fear of arrest, there will probably be more supply–more people will join the profession. But remember, there will also be more demand. Less people will be afraid of visiting a provider.
I have a feeling our rates would have to drop some…or at least, many of us would have to drop our rates somewhat. However, that’s a small price to pay for being able to work without worrying that you’ll be arrested and lose everything you care about–your home, your day job, custody of your children, maybe even friends and family. And it would almost certainly be easier to meet with clients safely because I’m betting clients would be more willing to hand over the necessary screening info if they could be sure we weren’t cops posing as providers for a sting.
Equal Power, Equal Protection
Just think about it…No one could threaten to “out” us (clients or providers) to the cops. If a provider stole from you, you could go directly to the cops and report the incident without them giving you a hard time. If a provider was sexually (or otherwise) assaulted by someone she met with, she could report it without worrying about being arrested for the type of work she does.
The “But Taxes!!!” Argument
People bring up taxes as justification for legalization. Many, many, many of us already report earnings and pay taxes. Of course not everyone does, but that’s common in lots of service industry jobs (waiting tables, bartending, etc.) and lots of informal labor (babysitting, cleaning houses, fixing people’s computers in your home, etc.). Decriminalization would make it even easier to do that–either as a business owner (independent provider), or as an employee at an agency or brothel (depending on how it’s done, a provider could be an independent contractor or a regular old employee). Imagine if doing taxes was as straightforward and easy as walking into one of those tax prep places in a strip mall and saying “I’m an escort. Here are my receipts for the year. I saw this many clients and made this much money and spent this much on advertising and supplies.” So many providers would find it a lot easier to, I dunno, be approved for a mortgage and become property owners so that they have something to show for all the work they’ve done over the years, and a real asset to hand down to their children or to cash in on when they retire. Wouldn’t that be nice?
“Sexually Deviant Fallen Women” or “Desperate, Misguided, Helpless Victims”?
For as much as society loves to either demonize us or paint us all with the “poor, helpless victim” brush, they sure don’t seem willing to do the one thing that would actually empower us–that would enable us to show that we are so, so much more.
Update as of 3/2017:
I’ve recently come across the writings of Missy Mariposa, a former independent escort-turned-legal brothel worker at Sheri’s Ranch. Her experience at Sheri’s Ranch has been overwhelmingly positive, and doesn’t resemble the restrictive and exploitative environment I imagined. I fully admit my image of brothel work was based on a couple episodes of a reality show I saw way back when, and a few descriptions I had read by workers at another legal brothel in Nevada (not Sheri’s Ranch). Missy has fully embraced brothel work, and she explains why in this post: Why I hung up my heels as an independent and embrace the brothel. Color me enlightened!
So, how many *is* “too many”? (Screenshot of P411 Escort member’s view of a Client member’s profile)
Continued from the previous post, in which a client asked for advice on a few topics. I’ve chosen to break them up into separate entries. In this one, I’ll address a question regarding a client’s number of P411 “Okays.” P411 “Okays” are stamps of approval on the screening website Preferrred411 (commonly referred to as “P411”) by escorts with whom a client has met.
Also, can someone have too many “okays” on P411?
My Answer:
You know, that’s another good question. Ugh, and it’s complicated, too.
Honestly, I’ve had guys with a few hundred P411 Okays contact me, and I will admit that, yes, it did give me pause.
But really, let’s look at this a little more closely: yes, that means the client has met with quite a few escorts. But If I made a decision not to see him based on that fact, I’d be succumbing to the culturally-conditioned whorephobia that I’m so adamantly against. Why does it matter if he generously compensated his last 200 sexual partners for their time? Would it be better if he had met the last 200 girls he slept with in a bar? And, theoretically, if he has 200 Okays on P411, these 200 girls are vouching for him and saying that he’s safe to meet with and won’t cause any trouble. Therefore he is arguably one of the people I should be least worried about. And I’m going to take the same precautions with him as I do with everyone because, ultimately, my safety and well-being is my responsibility.
The Verdict? The more the merrier, in my humble (but sex-positive) opinion.
So no, I don’t think that someone can have “too many” Okays on P411. But I’m not everyone. There may be girls out there who will be turned off by “too many” P411 Okays, but I’m willing to bet this is a knee-jerk response to what society tells us about this business, sex workers, and the clients who pay for their services. You can’t really blame those girls. The idea that sex workers are dirty whores and clients are (only slightly less) dirty whoremongers is deeply ingrained in our culture, and it’s something that even we (sex workers) are vulnerable to sometimes. Either way, “too many” is relative, so I wouldn’t put too much mental energy into worrying about that. My advice is to get an OK from every P411 girl you see. (I *have* heard girls say they don’t like to meet with guys who have no *recent* OKs. I guess they figure that their account might have been taken over by someone else? I’m not sure what their reasoning is.)
My latest question from a client/reader is on the topic of sampling a variety of escorts vs. repeatedly enjoying a “regular” (a client’s “regular” provider). Read on for the question in his own words, below:
(Y’all, I think I’m doing an advice column now. I kinda love the idea…)
Hi Annie,
I respect you as a professional and appreciate the information on your blog. Plus you’re a really cool person too. I’ve often thought you should start an advice column for hobbyists. ;)
Question – I understand that everyone is different, but do you think it’s better to see a variety of providers or better to find someone that you connect with and become a “regular”? I’m kind of struggling with that now.
I’m not trying to change my life, but I enjoy the connection, the intimacy more than the physical sex. When I see someone I prefer to approach the time together more as a date. That’s why I like to start with drinks and get to know the person before moving on to the fun.
I know variety can be fun, but I’m not sure it’s what I’m looking for.
At the same time I understand the basis of the provider/client relationship. I’m not looking for a girlfriend either.
I know you’re busy, but if you get a chance I’d love to get your perspective.
Thanks.
My response:
Oh wow, that is a really good question…And I just drank a ton of coffee, so honestly, I could write a master’s thesis on this right now. But instead, I’ll just continue reading…
“I’m not trying to change my life, but I enjoy the connection, the intimacy more than the physical sex. When I see someone I prefer to approach the time together more as a date. That’s why I like to start with drinks and get to know the person before moving on to the fun.
I know variety can be fun, but I’m not sure it’s what I’m looking for.”
Well, I think you just answered your question, didn’t you? It sounds like you’re a the kind of guy that might do best to pick someone you like and stick with her.
The Safety in Being a “One-Escort-Man”
There are a lot of advantages to choosing a “regular.” First off, there’s the basic security issue. Once you know someone, you don’t have to go through screening, and neither of you have to fear that the other might be dangerous or otherwise problematic.
Knowing What to Expect
Second, you know what to expect. Sometimes, in an attempt to market their services in an eye-catching manner, people use photos that are outdated (no longer representative of her appearance) or over-edited (inaccurate representation of her appearance). I know that occasionally clients choose to meet with a certain young woman, but due to the fact that they’re incapable of time travel, they end up spending the evening with that same woman, just 15 years and 3 kids later. And that’s not always a total disappointment–I’ve spoken with lots of clients who fully admit that they when first met their ATF (all time favorite), they were expecting a much younger, thinner version of her. But it isn’t always a pleasant surprise. And that’s a problem you avoid when you have a regular go-to girl.
Familiarity
Third, you develop an intimate understanding of each other. Put simply, you know how to turn each other on. She knows what you like, you know what she likes, and you know how to have fun with her.
I’m always happy to make new friends, but I’ll admit that being someone’s “regular” escort is AWESOME. There’s a lot to be said for someone who knows you this well ;)
But Then Again…
There are lots of advantages to seeing a variety of girls, too. But I’m going to save that for a blog post, because I’d really like to finish this before the sun goes down, lol.
And then there’s always the middle-of-the-road option for people like me who aren’t very good at choosing. There’s no rule that you can only have one “regular.” Maybe you’d like two or three. Maybe Suzie does it for you on days when you’re stressed to exhaustion, and maybe you like to celebrate with Nancy on those days when everything’s going your way. And if you’re splitting your time between two or more cities, this option makes even more sense.
At the same time I understand the basis of the provider/client relationship. I’m not looking for a girlfriend either.
Perfect. You’re coming into this with the right attitude and realistic expectations. That’s what we like. Especially if you’re gravitating more toward the “regular girl” option.
There are clients out there who, after they’ve met with a lady several times, begin to confuse the roles of “girlfriend” and “professional companion.” Boundaries are important. That’s why we’re professionals. People who understand this business get that you can’t distill it down to some pithy one-liner like “Hurr hurr, you don’t pay her for sex, you pay her to leave!” or “Harr harr, only losers who can’t get laid pay for it!” It’s not that simple. And it’s not stupid or insulting to either person involved.
The (Idealized) Girlfriend Experience (GFE)
As professionals (escorts, professional companions, service providers, whatever), we’re compensated not because we can do something a girlfriend could do, but because we can do something a girlfriend can’t. We provide an idealized Girlfriend Experience: the experience of having an AWESOME girlfriend who is horny and fun and interesting and respectful for the entire time you’re together.
A real girlfriend can’t do that. Why? Because you’re around her for more than a few hours. No one can be awesome 24 hours a day. A real girlfriend lives with you (or spends lots of time around you) for days, weeks, months, years. You’ll have serious conflicts. You’ll have minor gripes. Grudges will be held. Disappointments will happen. Working through those things together can strengthen and enrich a relationship and ultimately add to the value and beauty of it.
But let’s be honest. That’s a huge time investment, and a lot of work. And sometimes you just want to skip to the good part–you just want to have uncomplicated fun with a cool girl who’s down to fuck. And that’s why we’re here.
Due to my work I am fortunate enough to be regular visitor to this very lively and storied city of New Orleans. I find its culture and social diversity incredibly inspiring and refreshing. Unfortunately I’ve also found that the city’s acceptance of cultural cooperation and sundry comes to a towering road block when one begins exploring the possibility of retaining a provider. Being relatively new but not completely green to these kind of arrangements I became quickly aware of the circumspection many providers have with concern to dealing with black men, particularly younger black men. I’ve speculated a great many possibilities as to why; knowing many black men having an almost innate instinct to haggle I’d placed that as the primary nuisance. Nevertheless it can be quite dispiriting when delving in attempting to find an adequate match and you see on ad after ad “No Black Men” or “No Black Men” followed by some specific age provision.
Now Miss Calhoun this is not an indictment of you whatsoever and I hope you haven’t taken my note as one to this point. I simply stumbled across your well written blog and had chosen to address you as you seem more than capable of giving me sufficient response. Continue reading “My thoughts on “No Black Men” and “NBA (No Blacks Allowed)” policies”
So yesterday I received an email from a client I had an absolutely amazing time with a few weeks back. This gentleman was inquiring as to whether he could use me as a reference. For those of you who aren’t that familiar with how providers and clients meet each other safely, or how we know if we even want to meet each other (i.e., will we be compatible?), allow me to explain.
Providers use many, many methods of screening (I’ve written two pretty extensive blog posts on the screening methods I use: My Screening Practices Explained – Part 1 and Part 2 – P411, Date-Check, and References.). When you schedule a date with a provider (escort, personal/professional companion, FBSM/sensual massage provider, etc.), she may ask you (the hopeful client) for “references.” What she’s asking for is permission to contact providers you have met with previously (usually two or three of them).
Why do we ask for this? Well, here’s the thing: women talk. (So do men, of course, but I haven’t interacted with many male providers, unfortunately. I’d love hear their perspective on this, though.) And in this business, we look out for each other–or at least, those of us who are decent human beings do. So, before we meet with a client, we like to consult each other to make sure the guy is safe and respectful. And sometimes, just sometimes, we might get a few insider tips on what that client really enjoys. ;)
This isn’t very different from “real-life” dating. We all exist within social circles. In the past, whenever I’ve been “romantically” (or simply sexually) interested in someone, I’ve consulted with mutual friends to get the scoop on him/her. And boy, have I dodged some bullets. But my behind-the-scenes detective work (if you can call asking a friend “So, what’s the deal with so-and-so?” “detective work”) has also led to some truly amazing, satisfying romantic encounters, relationships, and friendships.
So you want to learn from an escort so that you can be a better lover when you sleep with non-escorts. I think that is so, so, so smart, and I 100% support that. Depending on the type of person you are, you can do this from the very beginning of that first meeting, or you can get a couple sexperiences under your belt before starting on your training. You can ask her for guidance that first time (“I really don’t know what I’m doing, so can you help me out? I want to learn.”). Or, you can just enjoy the experience that first time, and once that’s out the way, then you can begin your studly studies. Either way: how do you explain to her that this is your motivation for meeting with her? 
