Escorts use various methods and many different techniques to screen clients. This is for our safety and peace of mind. We use websites, references, and sometimes we request personal information. It’s all about what each individual provider and each individual client is comfortable with.
Today I’m answering a question from a newbie escort. She’s just starting out and, understandably, she’s researching how to stay safe. “Bad client lists” are one of the resources available to escorts, though their usefulness is widely varied depending on the type of list, whether it’s maintained by a for-profit business or by volunteers associated with a sex workers’ rights organization, and the geographical focus of the list. Here’s her question:
I hope you are well.
I am reaching out to you specifically because you have such a great explanation for screening on your website. I am a newbie in Toronto hoping you will take a minute to keep me safe by sharing any blacklist type sites you use for screening clients (besides TER, P411 and getting references). I am thinking of paying to get access to the National Blacklist and wondering if there are others.
Essentially, I really don’t want to run into any aggressive types that could hurt me.
Thanks for being a shining example of “doing things the right way”. I hope life is treating you well.
Plus, I don’t now anyone who has ever paid for a membership. And it’s not cheap–I think it’s downright comical that they’re charging $20/month or $150/year, considering the fact that there have been a total of 8 posts for Toronto this year, and 8 last year. And that includes a post about a client who was “annoying,” a post about one who “sent a dick pic,” and a post warning that a guy is a “no show” who “stinks of B.O.” (can she smell him through the phone?). Then again, I can only see the first few words of each post, so it’s possible that those guys really are dangerous in addition to their obnoxiousness, dick pics, and disagreeable body odor. But I’m not paying $20 (to a company that hasn’t updated its website in at least 5 years) to find out.
And that’s the problem with this type of site. Unless EVERYONE has access to a site like that, it’s pointless. Any provider can be victimized by a bad client or a cop, but if she doesn’t have access to this list, you’ll never know that it happened. I think that it was once possible to add names/numbers/etc. even without a membership, but even so, since it was of so little use unless you actually paid for a membership, nobody really bothered with it.
That’s the biggest problem I have with paid blacklist sites–even if a lot of escorts DO pay for access, they’re always going to alienate the most vulnerable among us: those who can’t afford a membership, or who don’t have a bank account, etc.
There’s a site called VerifyHim in the US. It’s a paid site, and they use misleading scare tactics to convince providers to sign up, and I’m not giving money to a company that does that. But *a lot* of providers love it.
Honestly I don’t know of any blacklist sites that would be worth it. A few years back there was a free site called ProviderBuzz, but it disappeared very suddenly and without explanation. I’m guessing they got sued for libel. It wasn’t public–you had to first prove you were a legit provider before you were granted access, but I can still see how someone could argue that they were the victim of defamation due to accusations posted on the site.
There’s BadBoyReports.com, but again, I don’t know anyone who uses it. And I’m not sure who runs that site, but it looks like anyone can make an anonymous post about a client. And that’s great because any provider, regardless of her financial resources, can warn others about a bad client without worrying about the risk to her reputation. But that also means the site is open to submissions from anyone–enemies of the client, angry girlfriends or wives of the client, providers who, for whatever reason, want to prevent a safe, respectful guy from seeing other providers, etc. Everything on that site is published publicly, so a simple Google search of the client’s name will bring anything on the site right up, so I don’t think it’s too farfetched that someone seeking to humiliate a guy might put him on that site.
Even when they do work, the problem with lists like these, at least in the US (I don’t know how this works in Canada), is that the owner of the site is, at least to some degree, responsible for the content on the site. As you can imagine, there aren’t a whole lot of people who are willing to take legal responsibility for what providers might post about clients, nor are there many people who are willing to be the target of a “bad client’s” rage when he discovers he’s been blacklisted on your site.
Some providers use the providers-only section of local forums to exchange info on clients. For example, in my area, there’s a “Providers-Only Infoshare” section of ECCIE New Orleans where providers can post about clients they’ve had bad experiences with. Usually, this means he was dangerous, a thief, or a cop. However, it’s moderated by “hobbyists” (plus one provider), and posting the guy’s real name or contact information is prohibited. So, you see posts like,
“Do not meet with this guy; he’s a rapist:
The provider must obscure letters and numbers so that the guy’s identity remains hidden. Because, after all, even rapists deserve anonymity in this business–having his identity revealed could ruin the poor guy’s life!!!
You can send the provider who posted that warning a direct message requesting the guy’s complete info, of course. But that system only works if you’re constantly on the site, watching for those posts, and the guy happens to be contacting you around the same time. Also, you’d have to check every single area’s local Providers-Only Infoshare forum, contact each provider for the full info on the bad client, etc.
If that works for the providers who use that resource, that’s great. But for me, it’s pretty useless.
In the UK there’s a project called National UglyMugs run by UKNSWP where providers can post warnings about dangerous clients. To my knowledge, we don’t have anything nationwide like that here in the US. I’m not sure what Canada has to offer. I would suppose it has a lot to do with the laws in each country and how they could be applied to something like this.
Some places have private “Bad Client” email lists they circulate via email. You might want to check with any sex worker organizations in your area. Maybe Maggie’s Toronto? Oh damn, I just checked. They have something called “The No List.” You should contact them to get access. I would definitely use that resource if I were you, but only in addition to other screening methods.
Honestly, I trust my own screening much more than any of these lists. The absence of a guy’s name on a list doesn’t mean he’s safe, and good screening will filter out most of the guys who providers eventually make reports about. That said, if Maggie’s Toronto is maintaining a list, get access, and use it! Don’t waste your time or money on National Blacklist, though.
As some of you know, I’ve had a pretty harrowing month. My dog had a cancer scare and had to get 7 masses removed, my car had to go into the shop, I had to remove some asbestos siding from a rotten, termite-damaged exterior wall of my house so that I could have workers come to rebuild said wall, etc. All said, it hasn’t been terrible; it’s just been busy–and emotionally difficult because of the whole dog thing. And I was actually supposed to have a contractor come to start on the Next Big Thing yesterday and finish up by this coming Monday, but Bret and Cindy have delayed that until next week. As of right now (about 2pm on Wednesday), they’ve dropped the Tropical Storm Warning for New Orleans, and we’re only on a Tornado Watch and occasional Tornado Warnings, so I think I’ll answer this question about problems a client might have with the booking form on an escort’s website, and then I’ll go help my friend move.
Hi Annie: My question is advice on the following: I have seen companions before, have a P411 account with multiple references and always do my homework and select my companionship carefully, so what to do when: a woman catches your eye, you read her site & are familiar. You get to the booking form and discover 1. She “strongly prefers men over age X”, and you either aren’t close or are like a year or two away, what to do especially if you’re really interested because she seems special. Or 2: She requires employment info to complete her booking form that you don’t have i.e. work number & direct extension, or link to work website with a a page with your photo, but you have everything else. Thanks for the advice.
Hey Josh! As a matter of fact, I’ve been thinking a lot about booking forms on escort websites lately. Actually, let me extend that to include booking forms on all adult services providers (pro-dommes, FBSM (full body sensual massage), pro-subs, tantra providers, etc.) websites. Coincidentally, I’m having my own problems with booking forms at the moment. But first, let me address yours. I’ll start with your first question, since that one is first, and chronological order is sexy. What? Shut up, just go with it.
What to Do When an Escort Prefers (Slightly) Older Men
Your specific conundrum: “You get to the booking form and discover…she “strongly prefers men over age X”, and you either aren’t close or are like a year or two away.”
Let me just say that, as long as you’re over 21, age ain’t nothin’ but a number for me. But I understand that’s not the case for many, many ladies. Lots of escorts have age limits, and that usually means “no clients younger than age x”; in fact, ALL providers should–no one should be willing to meet with a client under the age of 18, obviously, and I think it’s smart not to meet with anyone under 21, just in case drinking is involved. However, as you’ve noticed, there are a significant number of providers who have a lower age limit of 30, 40, or 50. And I’ve known escorts whose limit was even higher.
In my experience, it’s usually one of the following reasons:
The escort does not feel comfortable with very young men for personal reasons.
The escort would not feel comfortable on a date with someone significantly younger than she is.
The escort doesn’t want to be intimate with someone in the same age group as her children.
The escort has a thing for older men.
The escort believes that men under a certain age aren’t likely to be as wealthy as older men, and she prefers to see clients who will ultimately become reliable regulars.
She has some other reason for not seeing men younger than X, and it’s none of our business.
I understand that this can be frustrating for a younger guy. Age isn’t something you really have any control over, and young guys can be amazing clients, too. But when you’re dealing with intimate services provided by another human being, it’s inevitable that their preferences will be a barrier to entry for some.
If it makes you feel any better, keep in mind that, in the world of dating and intimacy, younger guys often have an advantage over older guys. It just so happens that older guys sometimes have an edge in this one.
So, what’s a younger guy to do?
Well, let me start by saying it’s not all on you. In my opinion, if a provider has a “minimum age” policy, she really should state that outright so that younger guys don’t waste their time or get their hopes up. And I don’t just mean including a statement on her booking form. She should really say something to the effect of, “I’m available to respectful, discreet gentlemen over the age of 65” on the front page of her site and in her ad copy. It’s pretty frustrating to think you’ve found exactly who or what you’re looking for, only to realize right as you’re about to book that you’re not eligible, and it’s back to the drawing board.
But there is something you can do.
Option 1: Honesty is the Best Policy
If, as in the example you give, she “strongly prefers men over the age of x” and your age is x-1, you can simply be honest. If there’s a text box in her booking form, politely state that you’ve spent time reading her website and you’re very interested in meeting with her. Mention something specific that attracted you to her, preferably something she has revealed in the text of her website (this shows that you really have done your homework), rather than “I really like your boobs” (which only indicates that you’ve jerked off to her photos). Then explain that, though you’re aware that she prefers men over the age of 30, you hope she’ll make an exception for a respectful, generous 29 year old such as yourself.
Option 2: Little White Lies
Let’s say she has stated that she “strongly prefers men over the age of 40,” and you just turned 39.
Come on. Just say you’re 40. It’s really not that big of a deal. Plus, if you add in all the time you spent as a zygote/blastocyst/surviving embryo/fetus, you’re pretty much 40, right? Maybe your family uses the east Asian system for age. Or maybe it’s just you. And just today. And just while you’re contacting this escort who “strongly prefers men over the age of 40.”
Plus, let’s be honest. Lots of escorts lie about their own ages. I’d even say it’s the vast majority. And, in general, it’s not because they’re ashamed of their true age; it’s because there are many, many men out there who have a really warped perception of age (and weight, for that matter) with regards to women. You say a woman’s 30, and there are 50-year-old guys who picture their grandmothers. And it’s a vicious cycle: because lying about one’s age is such a common practice among escorts, clients start to believe that any escort who claims to be 35 is actually 55. So, many escorts keep that fact in mind when composing ad and website copy, and though they may be 35, they’ll feel pressured to say they’re 25, if only to avoid being assumed to be 55 by jaded clients. (Little do those jaded clients know, there are many, many 55-year-old escorts out there having the time of their lives and making money to boot.)
And then there are the escorts who just aren’t attentive to their ad copy, and have had their age listed as 26 for the past 10 years.
My point is that nudging your age up a year isn’t hurting anyone (as long as age 21 is safely in your rear-view mirror). She did say “strongly prefer,” right? My answer would be different if she had said she has a strict rule against seeing clients under the age of 40, or that she absolutely, under no circumstances, will meet with a client under 40. In that case, I believe it would be ethically problematic to lie about your age, or to use another system of age determination (unless it is the system you normally use for cultural reasons).
On to your second question!
What to Do When Your Info Doesn’t Fit Neatly Into an Escort’s Booking Form
Your next question deals with what I consider to be a UX (User Experience) problem on a lot of websites: required fields on booking forms. Specifically, “She requires employment info to complete her booking form that you don’t have i.e. work number & direct extension, or link to work website with a a page with your photo, but you have everything else.”
I’m assuming this is a problem that can’t be solved by contacting her via email. Honestly, one of my pet peeves is when a website doesn’t provide the business’s contact info, but instead provides a booking or contact form as the sole means of initial communication with the business. And not just for adult service provider websites, either–I see this a lot on websites for contractors and property maintenance and improvement services as well. It’s even worse when, in the example you’ve offered,
the form contains one or more required fields that aren’t absolutely necessary to achieve the objective (contact between business and potential customer), or
potential customers won’t absolutely always have an appropriate answer to enter into the required fields on the form.
For me, this translates to the following situation:
It’s 11:30pm, and I’m checking my email for the first time in 2 days (heh). I open an email from a potential client who would like to schedule a date for next Wednesday. For screening purposes, he provides two escorts as references. I hop on over to the first escort’s website, click on “Contact,” and am brought to a booking form. The following internal dialog commences:
Ah, no email address, just a booking form. Wait, maybe it’s just a contact form? Nope, it’s a booking form. Hm. Well, that’s not applicable to me, since I’m not looking to book a date with an escort in Boston or wherever. So much for making yourself available for other escorts to contact you, Sinful Cindy of Cincinnati. You should have a chat with your web designer. I guess I could just fill out her booking form as if I were a client, but with my own info and stuff, and then use the text box to ask for her to vouch for Mr. Shmoe…well no, she has a required field for “work phone” and “provider references”; I’d have to type gibberish into like five of the fields on this form because they don’t apply to me. Guess I’ll click around a bit. Your email address has got to be around here somewhere…nope. Nothing on your site. Hmm. This girl must really want guys to use her booking form. I guess that’s understandable. It sure is annoying having to go back and forth with a guy 20 times in order to get all the information I need from him, including the date, time, location, and duration of the proposed date, plus the screening info I need from him. And the more I have to go back and forth gathering all that info from one person, the longer the process takes, and the more likely it is that someone else will contact me, provide all the info at once, and successfully book with me on the night the first guy wanted. Yeah, come to think of it, this is a great setup Cindy has–I bet she never has the problem of completely forgetting about week(s)-long, back-and-forth email-threads-in-progress because they’ve become buried under 40 new emails that flooded in over the past few days. Wow, I should tell her that. And I will, but first let me find her email address. Maybe it’s on her ads? Nope. Maybe in her reviews? No, that’s just a link to the booking page on her website. Dammit. Fuck it, this is taking entirely too long, and I have like 23 more emails to get to. I’ll just cram my question into the spaces on her booking form, and she can go kick rocks if she doesn’t like it.
::Curtain falls as I, grumbling, type gibberish into several fields of Sinful Cindy of Cincinnati’s stupid booking form::
For clients, it can be even more frustrating, because you genuinely do want to schedule a date with the provider, but some of the questions don’t apply to you, so you can’t enter the requested info into each required field.
Look, my fellow/fella escorts and providers: if you’re not going to offer an alternate method of contact, and instead provide a form as the ONE AND ONLY avenue through which people can reach you, then the only fields that should be 100% required on said form are:
Contact info (email or phone number)
Message (a text box)
At some point another escort will want to reach you. It may be because a client has provided you as a reference. Or, you selfish jerk, it may be because she has a client who is interested in a scheduling a double with the two of you, or even because wants to warn you not to see a dangerous client. Don’t make it unnecessarily difficult for her to do something that benefits you.
But I digress. Josh isn’t a provider; he’s a client.
If you find yourself in the situation where the only way you can contact a provider is via her booking form, you have found a savvy provider who doesn’t dick around with the back-and-forth, waste-of-time bullshit that is so characteristic of escorting.
However, if you then find yourself filling out a form that requires you to enter information into fields that clients in many situations would need to leave blank, then you’ve found a provider who either doesn’t understand the business, doesn’t understand people, or she just doesn’t care because she’s not particularly interested in extending her availability to anyone who can’t answer every question on her form. And, unless she has something against independently wealthy individuals or retirees, then that’s pretty short-sighted.
Or maybe she outsourced these decisions to a dumbass who doesn’t know much about escorts and clients. Who knows.
My advice to you is to fill out her booking form as well as you can, and then do what I do with the required fields for which you do not have an appropriate answer: enter placeholders, just to complete the form passably enough for the program to accept the data and deliver it to the recipient.
For phone numbers, sometimes the form’s admin has been generous enough to allow text, and you can enter “Don’t have a work number,” or “N/A,” or something similar. Sometimes the field is numbers-only, and you can type (000) 000-0000. Sometimes they’ve set it so that it will reject that, but you can instead enter a designated fake number that belongs to no one: in movies and TV they always use a number that begins with “555” in order to avoid using a number that could theoretically belong to someone. If the form rejects all zeroes, I usually just type all 5s, just so that the recipient knows immediately that it’s not a real number and they don’t try to call it.
For other required fields, enter “not applicable” or “N/A” or “see message.” If the form rejects that, simply enter gibberish. They asked for it.
And Now, For My Problem…
Guys! This has happened more than once in the past few months, and I need to address it.
When you are entering info into a provider’s contact form, do NOT enter an email address into the “email” field unless it is OK for the provider to use her main email account to contact you via that email address.
You have to understand what a contact form (or a booking form) is. In layman’s terms, a contact (or booking) form is a separate mini-program that provides an automated, secure way to transfer data from one computer to another via the internet. Because it’s an automated thing happening via a non-sentient being (as opposed to a phone conversation, online chat, or email exchange between two humans), the program will generally send a email to let you, the user, know that the info you entered has been received by the intended recipient (the provider, or the admin of her website). It does this by sending an auto-reply message to the email address you entered into the “Contact Email” (or just “Email) field within seconds.
So please, please, please, please, if you do NOT want a provider to contact you via your work email, DO NOT ENTER YOUR WORK EMAIL ADDRESS INTO THE “CONTACT EMAIL” FIELD. The contact form is not a person, and therefore it will not be able to read the message you typed into the text box that says, “Please don’t contact me at the email address I typed above because it’s my work email address. Please only contact me via that email address via the secret, generic email account you keep for that purpose.”
Twice in the past few months I’ve been contacted–via my contact form–by clients who entered their work email addresses into the “Contact Email” field, but then specified that I should not respond to them via that email.
It was especially problematic (in both of these cases) because, not only did my contact form auto-respond to them at the email address they didn’t want to be reached through, but they failed to provide me with any other method of getting in touch with them. So here I am, seemingly ignoring these poor guys after my website did exactly what they didn’t want me to do.
I feel like a major dick, but what can I do? For all I know, they’re already in trouble. I mean I doubt it, because they probably noticed the auto-response immediately and deleted it, and what employer constantly combs through their higher-ups email accounts that meticulously around the clock? But even so, what am I supposed to do now? I’m not going to contact them again at that email address. And I can’t proceed with screening by contacting them with my secret email address with the generic-sounding name and the fake spam-like message, because the client won’t recognize it as having come from me. So it’s just radio silence on my end.
So, to the guy from Texas who wanted to meet with me tonight or tomorrow: Sorry it didn’t happen. I really did want to meet with you. Your job sounds fascinating, and I would have loved to take you up on your offer to share that bottle of wine. I’m assuming that, after you didn’t hear back from me, you found someone else to meet up with–maybe you remembered to give her your personal email address, lol. If not, well…text me, call me, or email me–but use your personal email address so that I can actually respond ;)
New question today! It’s a good one, too. I talk a lot about client screening, but it’s been a while since I’ve written on the topic of how to figure out if an escort is legit.
I found an escort on Eros.com. She has her own website but refuses reviews (which I understand and appreciate). I am wondering if I can trust this individual even though we only texted to set an appointment. She did ask for an email from my work account so I feel a little at ease but still question if I am being reckless with a possible sting. Thanks.
PS: The appointment is at her incall at a hotel. Thanks.
Ah, the whole “is she/he a cop” question. It’s a constant concern for anyone who works and/or plays in this biz. And of course, it will be, until the US wakes up and realizes that full decriminalization is the only ethical approach to sex work, the safest approach for sex workers, and the best way to protect vulnerable people from those who wish to exploit them.
But in the meantime, we have to research clients before we meet with them, and when considering meeting with an escort, clients must take great pains to do research of their own.
I tend to yammer on and on about the “why” of things before I get to the “how” because everything leads to a whole new can of worms–especially when I’m procrastinating in order to avoid something I really don’t feel like doing, like get in my un-air-conditioned car and drive to the grocery store. So sit back and prepare to read a novel, or just skip to the How to Vet an Escort Who Doesn’t Allow Reviews section.
So You’ve Found an Escort Who Doesn’t Allow Reviews
In this situation, most “hobbyists” would tell you to run the other way. Fast.
But wait! Her pics are super hot and her website and ads are intriguing as all hell and you really, really, really wanna meet this girl. Also, fuck hobbyists, they’re just jealous that she won’t give them a discount in exchange for a good review.
But you can’t just go for it without taking some precautions. For one, you want to make sure this isn’t some kind of bait-and-switch situation–you don’t want to book an appointment with a girl with supermodel good looks and wit to match, only to be met at the door by a bridge troll (LOL I kid, I kid). But more importantly, you don’t want to end up in a sting.
So what now? Well, believe it or not, many, many reputable providers do not participate in the review system, and there are other ways to verify whether an escort is legit.
Why Some Escorts Don’t Allow Reviews
Contrary to popular belief, reviews aren’t the end-all be-all to vetting an escort. Like I said, many providers don’t allow them (and for a while I actively discouraged them, and then I realized that in general, clients who meet with me aren’t the type to write reviews anyway. And besides, the occasional flattery IS kinda nice…), and the vast majority of the time, it’s not because they’re trying to pull one over on clients.
The Purpose of Escort Review Sites
The review system. Many escorts have a love-hate relationship with it, and many escorts simply have a hate-hate relationship with it. Ostensibly, review sites are a way for hobbyists to let other hobbyists know which escorts are legit, which are to be avoided, and what services a given escort offers. Sounds great, right?
Well, it is…kind of. First of all, understand that review sites aren’t providing a forum for clients to exchange info about escorts out of the kindness of their hearts. It’s a business. And as many of you might already know, there’s a lot more to this business than providing a way for clients to “stay safe,” “avoid thieves,” and “let other guys know what’s ‘on the menu'” (barf).
Review sites are, first and foremost, in the business of selling memberships and advertising space. That is, after all, how most content-based websites make money. This is why, on sites where the userbase is escorts and their clients, you’ll see tons of pop-up ads with messages like “Don’t hire an escort! Get a free fuck buddy on AshleyMadison.com!!!!!” or “Escorts are disgusting trash; Why fuck a hooker when you can get a college coed for cheap? Come to SeekingArrangement.com and find a Sugar Baby!” Seems kinda contradictory for sites that facilitate client/escort meetings to run anti-escort ads, right? But ad revenue is ad revenue.
The “content,” of course, is the stuff on a website that people actually want to see–the entire reason they came to the website in the first place. After all, no one visits a website because they want to look at the obnoxious, blinking, tacky paid advertisements in the margins, just as you don’t watch TV because you like commercials (well, unless it’s the Superbowl, but I digress).
For a news or magazine site, the “content” is the articles. For a site about visual art (photography, paintings, sculpture, art installations, etc.) the content is the photos. For a recipe site, the content is the recipes and the images accompanying them. The website serves the content to users, and alongside it, they display ads from third-party businesses who have paid for that ad space. So, even though the users visit the site to see the content, they have to view the ads as well.
The “users,” of course, are you and me: the people who visit the website to view the content.
How Escort Review Sites Make Money–And How You Help
The genius of review sites is that the users provide the content. Therefore, the website doesn’t have to pay writers or artists or any other content creators. And often, they pay for the privilege! In the case of review sites, the “content” would primarily be the photos of escorts (created and uploaded by the escorts themselves) and the reviews of escorts (created/written and posted by clients). A secondary content type would be the discussion forums, which consist of posts written by escorts and clients.
But remember, from a business standpoint, the site is all about selling memberships to (male) users, and selling advertising space to other companies. And the only way to make it worth the buyers’ money is to have tons of content worth viewing.
And this, my friends, is why reviews that aren’t explicit will be rejected. I know it’s a common source of frustration for clients–you spend your $$, you meet with a provider, you go home and fill out the form and write a short essay about what happened, and some power-tripping schmuck (Administrator/Moderator) tells you it’s not “detailed” enough, and he won’t post it until you re-submit a version that’s extremely descriptive about everything that happened.
They’re not doing this just to be a pain (well, maybe some are). They’re doing this because they’re required to by whoever bestowed upon them the rare and coveted honor of Hooker Review Board Moderator. Moderators play an indirect role in generating money for the site. The site draws viewers via 1) pictures (and contact info, etc.) of hot escorts, and 2) written erotica (porn in text form, basically). You can’t really jerk off to “Yeah, she’s safe and legit. I had a good time. Highly recommended.” And if it’s not titillating, are you really gonna spend much time on the site, loading page after page (of ads)? Moderators are there to ensure that your reviews make good erotica–titillating content that will keep users on the site for hours, viewing those third-party ads.
So, now that we’ve established that the review system isn’t exactly a purely generous service to the community, let’s talk about how it plays out in the “real world.” Yes, reviews can still be helpful, and no, profiting from that type of content is not an inherent evil. But because they serve a purpose as erotica, drawing clients to the review site, they must be…well, erotic. So, in order to have their review accepted, clients are required to describe in detail the specific acts they participated in with the escort. That’s all fine and good until you realize:
Those descriptions can be read as a very blatant admission of trading money for sex,
Now that the review system exists, many escorts rely on it as their sole means of advertising,
A list of activities an escort engaged in with one client is often interpreted by future clients as a list of activities she is obligated to offer them, regardless of the fact that they are an entirely different person on an entirely different day in an entirely different situation/setting, etc.,
Escorts have no control over what a client writes, so he is free to reveal as much detail as he pleases, and to embellish or even lie (the sites do not allow escorts to respond to their own reviews),
Therefore clients have a lot of leverage, and the threat of a bad review (or the promised reward of a good one) can cause an escort to do things she otherwise wouldn’t–offer services she’s not comfortable with, lower her rates in response to a client’s demands, etc.
Reputable escorts put A TON of time and energy into crafting and maintaining their personas on the internet. It’s how we advertise and promote. It’s how we show just enough of ourselves to entice clients without revealing too much to the public. It’s the face of our business, and for those of us who really, really love what we do and want to keep doing it, it would be absolutely devastating if someone shattered the whole thing in an act of vengeance, jealousy, or just plain nastiness. So it’s no surprise that some ladies would rather avoid this altogether.
So, when you find a provider who has opted out of the “hobbyist” escort review system, how do you know if she’s legit?
Another photo, just as a reward for reading this far, heh:
How to Vet an Escort Without Reviews
Luckily, there are tons of ways to vet an escort who doesn’t allow reviews. Onward!
Reputable Escort vs. Undercover Cop
OK first, you need to know what you’re looking for. Think about it: what kind of evidence would convince you that she’s most likely not a cop? Remember, reputable escorts do not want to put their business in jeopardy, so we’re very careful to maintain our image on the internet. If we were to participate in a sting (which doesn’t happen, but let’s play this game), it would take a matter of hours (or at most, days) for word to get out, and the business we’ve worked so hard to create would be destroyed in a matter of minutes. So the idea is to find an escort who is well-established, and use caution with anyone who appears fly-by-night.
Here are just a few things that might reassure you that she’s an established escort, not a cop:
An in-depth, long-running website with photos and text that doesn’t look like it was slapped together in 2 minutes (or stolen)
Ads with carefully-created photos and text that have been up for a while–not something quick-n-dirty that first appeared two hours ago.
An active, established social media presence
Profiles on escorting-related web forums and communities, and an established presence in those forums (comments, etc.)
Membership to a client screening site
Real reviews from real clients
Obviously, this isn’t a checklist–she doesn’t have to have everything on the list to be considered legit. And none of these is absolutely guaranteed to prove she’s not a cop. This is simply a guide to finding evidence that will help you make an informed decision.
Google is Your Friend!!
Never underestimate the sloppiness of some people. A lot of people simply don’t care enough, or aren’t smart enough to cover their tracks.
Ever heard of “catfishing”? It’s when someone (with evil intent) pretends to be someone else over the internet, usually via the use of stolen photos. Predators posing as escorts do it all the time, as do escorts who are afraid that their own photos wouldn’t attract clients.
In a sting situation, the ad photos have to come from somewhere. It’s highly unlikely that LE would be willing to arrange and pay for a sexy photoshoot for which they’d have to pay a photographer, a model, and possibly even a hair and makeup person. And it’s pretty damn unlikely that an undercover female cop is going to go through the trouble of a sexy photo shoot–nor should she, and I hope that if one were ever pressured to do so by her superiors, she’d sue their fucking badges off for sexual harassment. But the photos have to come from somewhere, right?
If you know how to use a computer (or even a smartphone), it’s pretty easy to find photos of an impossibly beautiful Brazilian model or a hot escort from another country or region (so that potential clients don’t recognize her, and she’s not likely to be checking to see if any escorts in Randomtown, USA are using her photos in ads), download them, and then use them in your own escort ads. So easy that it happens all the time–people have stolen my photos and used them in their own ads a few times. I imagine this is the same method LE uses when setting up a sting.
The good thing is, as long as the original owner of those photos hasn’t deleted them from whatever website they were originally on, those photos still exist somewhere on the internet. This is where Google Image Search comes in. If you think the pics of the girl in the ad are TGTBT (Too Good To Be True) do a Google Reverse Image Search. It’s easiest in the Chrome browser–just right-click on the photo, and when the drop-down menu pops up, click on “search Google for this image.” Easy. I’m sure there’s a way to do it on Bing, but I don’t use Bing, and I don’t feel like looking it up right now. If you’re a Bing user, just Google “How to do a reverse image search on Bing.” ;)
You can also Google a small but unique block of text from her ad (or site) to see if it appears on any other websites–if the ad was slapped-together with copy/pasted bits from other providers’ sites out of concern for time and a need to “sound authentic.”
Next, just in case, you can Google her phone number, just to see if anyone has put out an “alert” to the community about her when she was using another persona. This is pretty unlikely, but you never know. Maybe she was working with the cops (or maybe she’s otherwise dangerous). Some people just don’t bother changing their phone number after they ruin their own good name. Put the entire phone number in quotes, like this: “504-XXX-5309”
“Busted Escorts” Sites: Bullshit
You may find sites like “EscortBusts.com” or “BustedEscorts.com” or whatever. If you Google a girl’s number, one of those sites may come up and say something like, “DO NOT SEE HER, SHE IS WORKING FOR THE POLICE, YOUR STUPED IF YOU GO SEE HER DONT SAY WE DIDN’T WRAN YOU.” If you do, don’t freak out. Take a deep breath and think this through.
I can’t believe I have to explain this, but…I’ve seen way too many guys (and girls) freak out about these sites. THESE SITES ARE NOT LEGIT. Look at them with a critical eye. Why would a site like this exist? Does it serve any purported purpose other than hand-wringing over a girl supposedly working with the police? Would someone set up a site specifically and solely to warn unwitting would-be clients? How would they pay for that site? Ah, yes. The ads. Notice what those sites tell you, once you get over the shock and horror that OMG YOU JUST ALMOST WALKED INTO A STING (no, you didn’t). See how they seem to be directing you to other, “safer” options (companies or sites) via links? There’s the ad revenue. Scroll to the bottom of the page. There’s probably a “Contact” option, and it might even say “Contact us to remove your information from our site.” Bingo. They want the escorts pictured on these sites to pay them (usually around $100) to remove their names, photos, and numbers from the site. It’s a form of extortion. That’s why these sites exist. They have software that “scrapes” content (photos, text, phone numbers) from other sites (usually Backpage or other highly-trafficked websites with little oversight) and then they upload that same content onto their own site–add a little “OMG OMG OMG YOU IDIOT SHE’S A COP YOU ALMOST FUCKED UP!!” to accompany each photo/name/phone number, and watch the money roll in. How do they get away with it? Well…they’re fucking with escorts, who don’t really have the law on their side, or at least they don’t understand it enough to make a case for themselves. As for the sites they scrape from? It’s a copyright violation, but the highly-trafficked sites like Backpage don’t have time to bother with protecting the content on their site from theft.
Social media is another way escorts will establish their legitimacy. More than that, though, it’s free publicity, and it’s a way to interact with other escorts, keep up with their clients, and quickly add pics and announce availability. Does she have a Twitter or Instagram or Snapchat or whatever account that’s been around for a while? Does she have more than just a few followers? Does she actually post stuff every once in a while? Like I said before, in general, LE isn’t going to go through the trouble of setting up and maintaining all these details years in advance of a sting, lol. Especially for a misdemeanor.
The same goes for webforum activity. Check sites like TER (The Erotic Review), TOB (The Other Board), NightShift, ECCIE, SouthernGFE, or whatever is popular in your area.
Screening Sites, etc.
Is she a member of a client screening site like P411 (Preferred411.com) or RS-AVS.com? RS-AVS.com isn’t used in my area, but Preferred411 (P411) is pretty popular, and from what I can tell, it’s used pretty widely, at least in the US. P411 has been infiltrated in the past, but if I remember correctly, LE were targeting escorts, not clients. Either way, P411 is a walled garden of safety precautions, which can be really frustrating when you’re new, but it is what it is. Not just anyone claiming to be a provider can join P411. You have to provide some info to the site’s administrator, and you have to prove that you are really, truly an escort. How does one do that?
Well, in order to be accepted to P411, an escort has to provide proof in the form of….
(wait for it…)
reviews from established clients.
No shit. So yeah, if she’s on P411, it’s a pretty good sign that she’s legit, or that her persona was at some point in the past. Perhaps she originally got a couple reviews just to get access to P411 (that’s what I did), and then went “No Reviews Allowed.” Or maybe she used to accept reviews, but then she got to the point that she no longer needed them, nor did she want the type of clients they attracted. It’s very difficult, but an escort can sometimes get reviews removed from a site (usually she has to fight tooth and nail with the admins of the site, and then she’s essentially unwelcome on that site forever).
Or maybe her old reviews are still up somewhere, she just doesn’t promote them as an advertising tool. You might wanna check.
Lastly, remember that, regardless of her “no reviews” policy, if an escort is trouble (a thief, a bait-and-switch, violent, or working with LE, for example), people WILL post about it. It’s not like she has any recourse.
Anyway, I hope that helps. No, there’s no way for me to guarantee you’re safe (or unsafe) from a sting if you meet this girl…but maybe these tips will help you use your best judgment.
Yay, new question!! Well, semi-new, because it came in like 2 weeks ago and I’m just now getting to it. This one’s a little different from most of the others–today I’m going to answer a couple questions not from a client, but from a woman who is considering working as an escort in New Orleans.
My name’s [redacted], and I’m trying to figure out how to break into the escorting business in the way that feels most right. I started by looking up “escort agencies in Nola” and, while I heard back immediately from one, when it came time to call them, I just couldn’t silence this little voice inside saying there is a better way, and a smarter way, for me to go about this. I started searching online for someone, anyone, that I could reach out to who’s in the business, in New Orleans, doing it independently, and who seemed, well, “real.” You’re the first one.
First of all, thank you for being genuine and being classy. My online searching experience with this business so far has left me a little grossed out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about getting nasty in the bedroom if it fits the mood and energy of the moment; I mean “grossed out” by way of the rampant tackiness, sloppiness, and lack of genuineness I see all over the place. So thank you SO MUCH for putting so much time and effort into your website and image. Your personality really shines through and it’s a massive breath of fresh air.
Sorry, I’m trying to keep this as short as I can. I have two questions:
When a client gives you their employer’s phone number for reference, what do you say in that call? Is it just a simple “could you direct me to [client’s name] please?” And if/when they do, then you just give a quick “thanks” and hang up? Or is there a different way you like to handle it?
Also, how often do clients even give their employer’s phone number for their reference? Just curious.
This question I’m pretty nervous to ask you, because I don’t want to come off as being rude or disrespectful. So feel free to decline answering! But do you make, financially, a really good living doing escorting in New Orleans? It’s just that I have no idea how lucrative the business is in Nola as opposed to other U.S. cities.
I’m wondering if I’d be better off moving somewhere with a larger population like Chicago or Boston, but it’d probably be best to get a feel for how I’d do in New Orleans first. It is the nearest large city to me and I plan on moving to a new location in the country anyway. What did the income from escorting sort of look like when you first started out? And has that income grown since?
Apologies for the length; and thanks so very much for your time! You are profoundly appreciated!
OK first of all, thanks so much for the compliments. I’m blushing ;)
One of the great things about this business is that there’s something for everyone. No matter what a client is into, if it’s a decent-sized city, they’ll probably be able to find a provider who is offering that type of experience. BBW? We got that. GFE? Yep. Porn Star experience? Check. Intimacy on a cerebral and physical level? Got it. College co-ed type? MILF? Amazon woman? Dominatrix? Bimbo fetish? Submissive? Extra-kinky? Trans girl? Latina/Black/White/East Asian/South Asian/Pacific Islander/Carribean/European/etc.? They’re all out there if you look.
And not everyone is concerned with projecting a “classy” image or coming off as “genuine.” In fact, some like their women just a tad on the “trashy” side (sorry, I had to). Lots of providers actually prefer that clients never see their “real-life” personality. And that’s cool. Not all clients are looking for that. Mine, however, usually are, and that’s why they’re drawn to me.
OK, so on to your actual questions:
When a client gives you their employer’s phone number for reference, what do you say in that call? Is it just a simple “could you direct me to [client’s name] please?” And if/when they do, then you just give a quick “thanks” and hang up? Or is there a different way you like to handle it?
Screening via Employment Verification by Phone
Ugh. I really, really hate screening via phone, and I do everything in my power to avoid it and screen via email/internet instead. Realistically, I know the receptionist isn’t going to hear my voice and immediately launch into a tirade:
“I can tell by the way you said ‘Hello, may I speak to Mr. X?’ that you are a Lady Of the Evening! How DARE you call this respectable place of business, you HUSSY!!! The founders of this company, God rest their souls, are absolutely TURNING IN THEIR GRAVES!!!!”
But, ya know. It could happen.
In all seriousness, I have a few good reasons why I prefer to screen via email. If I need to screen via phone, I have to remember to do it before the business day is over. Sometimes I’m busy all day, and then it’s 5pm. But there’s no time limit on the internet, so I can do screening stuff at 10pm, or if I suddenly wake at 3am and remember that I’ve forgotten to complete all the screening for Mr. X, I can fire up the laptop and do it right then and there. Plus, I just don’t like calling people’s workplaces and talking to the receptionist. What if I pronounce the guy’s name wrong? What if the Jehovah’s Witnesses stop by AGAIN and they ring my doorbell and my dogs start barking and I can’t shut them up? And then, by the time I finally do, I’ve forgotten the guy’s name and I have to scramble to find it while the receptionist waits on the other end of the line? Argh! So many things can go wrong. Or what if everything goes fine and then she puts my call through to Mr. X, and Mr. X and I proceed to have an awkward chat about nothing for the next 20 minutes, most of which I can’t understand because I get bad reception in my house and I have to go outside if I want to hear the person I’m talking with semi-clearly, but outside is where my neighbors are, and they’re old and always want to chat, and plus I’d rather not talk about work loudly on my front porch. See? Phone screening is a catastrophe waiting to happen!!!
I kid, I kid. Yes, I prefer email, but let’s say you gotta do it via phone, because sometimes you just do. And now that I’ve finally gotten to it, the answer to your question is pretty damn simple: When a client gives you their employer’s phone number for screening purposes, just ask the client what he would like you to say. That’s it. Maybe he’ll tell you to tell the receptionist that you’re from his dentist’s office, or his kid’s school, or that you’re Pam from Dunder-Mifflin. Or maybe it’s a direct line to his office, and you won’t have to use any kind of clever trickery beyond dialing the number he’s given you (which yes, I know, is not clever trickery, and would only be regarded as such by a time traveler from the year 1870, but whatever, the sentence is already written and that’s how it’s gonna stay).
And in my experience, nah, they don’t go this route all that often. They generally seem to prefer email communication as well. But I bet that varies a whole lot, depending on the type of client, the industry they’re in, etc.
But do you make, financially, a really good living doing escorting in New Orleans? It’s just that I have no idea how lucrative the business is in Nola as opposed to other U.S. cities.
Financials: How much money do escorts in New Orleans make?
This is a difficult question to answer, because my definition of “a really good living” may not be the same as yours. Do I make a million dollars? LOL no. But I don’t stress about money all the time like I used to, and to me, that has been so, so, so valuable. I’m able to be selective with clients, and I don’t have to meet with every client who comes my way. Then again, I don’t have children, nor do I have a fancy car to pay off, etc., so my expenses might not be as high as some other people’s.
You can ask 100 escorts from all over the New Orleans Metro Area what they think of the business here and how lucrative it is, and you’ll probably get 100 different answers. How much money you make will depend on a lot of things.
Factors that affect your earnings as an escort, especially in New Orleans:
Are you willing to maintain a private incall location? This will allow you to tap into the locals market, but it also necessitates you paying rent and bills for a second place every month. You could, of course, work out of your own home to save money, but I don’t really recommend that. And unless you live in a place that is discreet, convenient, and in a “good neighborhood” (which is really, REALLY hard to define in New Orleans), many of the local “hobbyists” will either decline to see you, or even talk shit about your neighborhood on the boards. I have several friends who have scheduled an appointment with a client, and after he was a NC/NS (No Call/No Show), they discovered that he had posted something to this effect on the local board:
“When i drove up, there was a black guy outside, and it just seemed sketchy, so I left. Watch out for this one, guys. Don’t think I’ll contact her again, and I advise you not to, either.”
The implication here is that either the provider has a “dangerous” “pimp,” or that the whole thing was a set up, and the “hobbyist” was about to get robbed. How do you think that affects her business for the next several months?
In one case, it was her fucking neighbor sitting on his own goddamn porch on a pretty day. In another, it was a group of (black) teenage boys carrying baseball bats…because they were walking a block to the baseball field where the neighborhood team plays. In another, it was a black guy walking down the street. I shit you not, the dude was minding his own business, literally WALKING DOWN THE FUCKING STREET, and this was enough to scare the little bigot off back to the ‘burbs, where he immediately hopped on the computer to “warn everyone” that that my friend had a pimp.
Are you willing to be “on call” 24/7, including last minute appointments? I turn a lot of appointments down, because I am not gonna roll out of bed at 1am, get all gussied up, and drag myself over to some drunk/coked-up/whatever guy’s hotel room. Not only would I be worried that he’d be passed out or gone by the time I got there, but I just…wouldn’t be my best “me.” Being “on call” every moment of the day would undoubtedly get you a higher total of appointments per week, but for me, it’s not worth it. I like my job, and I have no desire to stop doing it any time soon. The last thing I need is to do it in such a way that I would grow to hate it.
Are you willing to have your life revolve around this job? Are you willing to spend most of your waking hours going back and forth with potential clients, clients, time-wasters, other escorts, etc. via email, phone, text and messaging systems on several different escort/client websites, and maintaining an internet presence via social media and boards? If you can do this, by all means, enjoy your burnout.
Speaking of burnout, do you plan on taking occasional week-long or month-long breaks? If you don’t, your work may suffer in the long run. If you do, you’re passing up business.
Are you willing to participate in the review system (“hobbyist” boards), and all the political crap and drama that comes with it? Many providers use the system to their advantage–they get great reviews and lots of them, and that attracts other reviewers/hobbyists. However, a bad review from some douchebag flexing his “I’m a Very Important Person on this Very Important hobby board” muscles can really hurt you. And don’t think they don’t use that to their advantage.***
Do you fit the physical description of the typical “high earner”? Are you white, in your late-20s-to-30s, and conventionally attractive? It’s fucked up, but in general, white providers’ rates are higher than non-white providers’ rates, and conventionally attractive providers generally have higher rates than, say, BBW providers (that’s Gypsy of Chicago, by the way, and she is awesome and has TONS of info on escorting and sex work on her youtube channel). THERE ARE MANY MANY MANY EXCEPTIONS TO THIS “RULE.” It’s purely a generalization, but it’s not totally off-base. Just remember: we all set our own rates. Regardless of your “type,” don’t aim low (unless you really want to). Your time and energy is valuable, and like me, you may prefer quality over quantity.
Are you willing to travel (“tour”)? Lots of girls tour. While it looks kinda fun, and from what I understand, it’s often pretty lucrative, it also looks like a big fat risk to me. I don’t like the idea of paying a ton of money to fly to another city, pay for a nice hotel, and then wait around for clients who end up needing to cancel. Plus, traveling is a pain in the ass for me (I’d have to hire a housesitter/dogsitter, make sure my job doesn’t need me, etc.).
There are all kinds of other factors, and these are just a few of them. I know a provider who has so much business she never goes more than 3 days without a date. I know a provider who works 4-5 times a week. I know a provider who prefers multi-hour dates, and may only work once a week. I know a provider who only works when she’s in a financial bind, which might happen a few times a year, but definitely isn’t a regular thing. It really all depends on your goals and the type of clients you target.
And of course, the rules change based on the city you’re in. Would you make more money in New York City? Probably. But I have friends who work in NYC or have in the past, and their expenses sound…burdensome. As for me, I’d rather stay right here in New Orleans and work as much as I like, no more, no less ;)
***Yes, yes, yes, I understand #NotAllHobbyists do this. Most are perfectly nice people, but power-hungry, bitter people exist, and they have a right to pay for VIP membership on a website, too.
PS: Here’s a pic of my butt my friend took the other day. Real pics to come, this was just a casual snapshot :)
Happy Lundi Gras, everyone!! I’ve had a chaotic day, and I finally have a chance to sit down and chill. So, I thought I’d answer a question I received from a reader about a week ago. The topic: older gentlemen and escorts. Specifically:
first of all, I would like to thank you for taking the time to generate this enormously helpful blog of information for those of us who know nothing about your profession. Thank You!
And so on to the topic no one wants to think about, older people and sex; Do they actually allow them to do that after 50? I am a gentleman in my mid-60s who lost his wife about 10 years ago to health issues. Without going into a “poor miserable me” diatribe, let me just say that the older you are, the harder it seems to fit into the dating scene, especially if you have no interest in developing another “serious” relationship after half a life time of a wonderful marriage. The fact remains, however, that the loss of a spouse does not necessarily equate to the loss of a mature gentleman’s sex drive. So, in my humble opinion, herein lies the perfect solution; perfectly pragmatic female companionship through professional escorts.
That brings me to my few questions: I notice that most escorts are much younger than me. I don’t normally see an acceptable client age range given on escort’s webpages. So, should I expect to find female escorts who would be willing to accept clients in my age range? My second question regards screening. Having never used an escort’s services, I cannot give references. Also, being retired, I am not able to furnish current employer information for a background check. How would you recommend establishing trust with prospective escorts?
I appreciate your time and indulgence.
Oldy but Goody
I am so, so sorry to hear about your wife. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to lose the person you’ve shared your body, heart, and life with for so many years. It’s understandable that you’d have little interest in building another serious relationship–but lots of interest in recreational boot-knockin’.
As for whether they “actually allow them to do that after 50”: I know you’re kidding, but HELL. YES. Lemme tell you this: practice makes perfect, and generally, the older you are, the more “sexperience” (practice) you’ve accumulated. So there are a lot of things that older gentleman know that many younger gentlemen haven’t figured out yet. Ahem.
Plus: My personal philosophy is that, as long as you’re alive, you’re never too old for sex. The sex you have at age 93 may not be exactly like the sex you had at age 23, but the happiest, most satisfied people are able to grow and adapt to changing situations. We’re all gonna get old sooner or later, if we’re lucky. Don’t let inevitable changes get in the way of the all-important HankyPanky.
So, a few observations:
“I notice that most escorts are much younger than me.”
Well yes, there are a lot of younger women in the game. But there are also many megawatt hotties (Cat Elliot, Cecilia Dahl, Lea Madisson, and Elisabeth Whispers are just a few escorts I know of who identify as “Mature”) who aren’t SO young that the sight of you in public with one of them on your arm would raise eyebrows. Turn heads and stop traffic? Sure. But the age difference wouldn’t scandalize the masses, unlike a certain other couple who made a bit of a splash this week. Bonus: Remember how I said “practice makes perfect,” and older gentlemen often know things that the younger gents have yet to learn? I can only assume it’s the same for ladies…
But I know that wasn’t really your question. So, moving on:
Will younger escorts see older clients?
I don’t normally see an acceptable client age range given on escort’s webpages. So, should I expect to find female escorts who would be willing to accept clients in my age range?
You know, that really depends on the escort. But you’re doing everything right: you’re checking their websites and doing research in a due-diligence effort to determine whether you make the cut. If she doesn’t explicitly state that clients must be under a certain age in order to be eligible for a date with her, I would assume she’d be happy to meet with older guys. Honestly, I don’t know any escorts who refuse clients simply because they happen to be older.* But, when in doubt, you can always email her and ask.
Having never used an escort’s services, I cannot give references. Also, being retired, I am not able to furnish current employer information for a background check. How would you recommend establishing trust with prospective escorts?
So, here’s the thing with screening: the vast majority of newbies think they’re a “special case” (“But I’m married!” “But I have a Really Important job!!” etc.), and they are absolutely, capital-W Wrong.
You, however, are a legitimately Special Case. You can’t be expected to provide references if you’ve never seen an escort. And you can’t provide employer information if you’re now retired. So what’s a guy to do?
P411 and Other Escort-Client Screening Sites
Well, there are a few options. First, you could join a screening site like P411 (Preferred411.com). You are required to provide documentation of your identity (I’m not exactly sure what kind, but I’d assume a state-issued ID or an equivalent) before you are approved and granted access to the site. Once you are approved, you can contact escorts through the site, and if they use P411 as it was intended, they’ll want to confirm that you are indeed that P411 account holder (and you aren’t sharing your account with buddies, or you haven’t sold it to someone who couldn’t get approved, etc.) when they meet you. Once you’ve seen an escort or three (or twenty–whatever, I don’t judge) from P411, you’ll have someone (or several someones) to personally vouch for you–provided you were respectful, gentlemanly, and safe. Then, when you want to meet with a provider who doesn’t use P411, you’ll have references who can vouch for you.
A caveat: Some of the escorts on P411 will not meet with you until you’ve earned two or more “Okay”s (meaning you’ve met with two escorts who have marked you on the P411 website as safe and “Okay” to meet with). This is a personal preference, and once they can confirm with other ladies that you’re fine and dandy, they’ll consider meeting with you.
Non-Traditional/Unorthodox Screening Options
There are other options, and different providers will have different requirements that you’ll need to meet before they consider you as a client. I have an option that I offer to SOME “Special Cases,” and it involves certain social media sites or a personal website or blog. I have also accepted a photo of a potential “Special Case” client’s driver’s license when we were scheduling our first date, and then I checked to make sure it was legit when I met with him. I’m really glad I did, because he is awesome and if I hadn’t been flexible (but still thorough) with screening, I never would have met him. And that would have been a shame. So, explain to her what your situation is, and ask her what you can do that would satisfy her need for personal safety. Some providers will work with you to come up with a creative solution; some won’t. But it never hurts to ask ;) Hey, that should be my motto, now that I’m doing this advice column thing!
Well, I’d blather on loquaciously for another hour, but dinner’s ready, and I’m starving. Also, I just used the word “unorthodox” in the context of escort screening. I think I’m done for the night, lol.
A friend on Twitter contacted me to explain his experience with the initial verification and membership approval on P411. Screenshots below; scroll down for transcribed messages. Hope this helps!
“For P411 to approve me, I had to show my water bill in my name I thought that was strange.”
–Lol it is. Do you mind telling me what else you had to show them? No pressure, it’s just helpful info
“A copy of my (driver’s license)…address blanked out. My work (phone number).”
–But then they wanted your water bill? That has your address on it!
“No, address blanked out…name matched.”
–Ohhh ok. That makes more sense haha
“They couldn’t verify my (phone number)… I googled it. It said owned by XXXXX. They couldn’t verify it. Weird. Anyway, I didn’t renew with them since I don’t travel.”
–So you weren’t approved?
“Yes, I was…water bill did it. How can you not google a phone number? Very odd. I was with them 1 year. I had 5 okays…but thought…that’s proof of what I was doing.”
More, more, more! This is part…what, 4 now? of the questionssent to meby a young newbie. Today, I’m going to address a couple questions that EVERYONE asks at some point when they first decide to start dating escorts, or some might say, when they first “enter the “hobby” (I hate that term for it, but ya know…when in Rome…). Guys usually ask how they can tell if an escort is an undercover police officer, or if she’s working with law enforcement in some other capacity. Strangely enough, that’s one of the questions we (escorts) all ask when we first start in the biz. Seems like we have similar fears…
So, here’s how he phrased it:
How do I know if they are a cop? Are there certain things they say that a companion would never say?
First: How do (you) know if an escort is a cop?
The Bad News:
The answer is pretty simple: the same way you know if the guy sitting next to you at the bar is a cop. And the same way you know if the bartender is working with the police. And the same way you know if the guy in the car in front of you is an undercover cop. And the same way you know if the woman behind you in the grocery store checkout line is a police officer.
In short: you don’t. There’s no surefire test. Cops can and do say whatever they need to to get the job done, truthful or not. Asking an undercover cop “Are you a cop?” does NOT obligate them to answer truthfully (and it’s hilarious that people still think that’s true). Asking an undercover cop if something is illegal also doesn’t work.
The Entrapment Myth
The vast majority of people do not understand what “entrapment” means. It’s not a loophole for people who would be breaking the law anyway. You don’t get to prove that an undercover police officer misspoke, or lied, or misinformed you, and therefore “didn’t play fair.” The situations where “entrapment” actually applies are few and far between. Basically, they have to force or coerce you to do something illegal that you didn’t want to do and weren’t planning to do. I’m assuming the “entrapment” defense came about as a way to prevent what would essentially be wrongful arrest and false imprisonment: a scenario where we live in some dystopian society where law enforcement, out of boredom or the desire to fill jail cells or god-knows-what, is motivated to arrest and detain citizens, whether they are criminals or not. In that environment, undercover police officers could pose as burglars, break into your house, put a gun to your head, and force you to steal a shopping cart or wrestle a bear and then arrest you for doing so.
So that’s the bad news.
The Good News:
The good news is, meeting with an escort is not illegal, nor is working as an escort. This is important: Escorts accept compensation for their time. This is not a bullshit statement to be taken lightly. Escorts do not sell sex. If you pay for an hour with an escort, she is under no obligation to engage in sexual activity with you (for that matter, no one is ever obligated to have sex with anyone else, paid or not).
We (and by “we,” I mean “the royal we”) interrupt this blog post for a brief message about sex workers’ rights and the whorearchy:
I want to make this very, very clear: I do NOT look down on people who sell sex. I do not consider escorts to be “above” street sex workers (which is what most people think of when they hear the word “prostitute”). I don’t consider myself somehow “better” than a woman who advertises certain sexual activities for money. I, along with damn near every authority on the subject (including, but not limited to: Amnesty International, the World Health Organization (WHO), the Global Alliance Against Traffic in Women (GAATW), Human Rights Watch, and sex-workers’ rights advocacy and sex-worker-led organizations all over the world) support the full decriminalization of all sex work–that is, work in the adult entertainment and services industry–as that’s the best approach where ethics, public safety, and public health are concerned. But until that happens, we should all be mindful of the distinction between what is legal and what is not, even when that distinction seems silly (hey, just add a camera, and it’s porn, which is 100% legal!).
Do escorts sleep with clients? Sure, if they want to. Consensual sex between adults is not illegal. So arrive on time, freshly showered and smelling nice, and place the envelope on the dresser (or wherever she has specified on her website). Be in a good mood, be respectful, and just be a nice person. Anything that ends up happening between two consenting adults is simply…what sometimes happens between consenting adults. ;)
Time vs. Sex
The problem here is that many, many, many people confuse selling time with selling sex. This is why you may see “escorts” (women who call themselves escorts, anyway) offering certain sexual activities for certain dollar amounts. Oh, and phrasing it as “50 ‘Roses'” or “200 ‘Kisses'” is not only cheesy; it’s pointless. Same with using acronyms and code words. Asking “How much for a BJ?” or “Do you allow MSOG?” or “Do you charge extra for Greek?” is NOT going to help you avoid arrest, dumbass. Come on. Cops aren’t stupid. Do you really think they’ll be fooled? Do you really think “BJ” is going to throw them off? Do you really think they have no idea what “Greek” means? Furthermore, the law isn’t stupid. “But officer, I didn’t offer her 160 dollars; I offered her 160 roses!” isn’t going to keep you out of jail.
So if you don’t want to be arrested, don’t do anything illegal, and don’t meet with “escorts” who are doing anything illegal.
Don’t Ask For Advice From Idiots on the Internet
There are lots of tips on the internet that are ridiculously misguided. I saw one that said “Ask her to text you a nude photo. Cops can’t do that.” The hell they can’t. Why wouldn’t they be able to? Even if they don’t have an attractive female undercover police officer willing to get naked and take a selfie, it takes like 2 minutes to find a sexy naked selfie on the internet. Also, no self-respecting (OK fine, unless she enjoys doing that) escort is going to send you nudes for free. First off, um no, what if you know our dads or something? Secondly, there are websites where we can get paid for that nowadays, lol. Same thing with inviting her over for “nude modeling.” Um, no. I’m not going to some guy’s hotel for him to take a bunch of shittily composed, badly-lit, identifying photos of me walking around naked so that he can post them all over the internet and/or use them against me. You’re going to miss out on a lot of great opportunities if you limit yourself to people who are willing to let a complete stranger have that much freedom with their images.
Are there certain things undercover police officers say that a companion would never say?
Yep: “You’re under arrest.”
Well, I guess an escort might say that if you’re both into that kind of role play…but I digress.
Ok, you have to keep reminding yourself that prostitution (the exchange of sex for money) is illegal; escorting (the exchange of time and attention for money) is not.
So, if someone offers to give you a BJ for $100? Go for it if you want, but know that you are breaking the law. If you offer someone $250 for sex and she accepts, that’s all fine and good, as long as you both know that you’re engaging in illegal activity and you’re comfortable with the risk of consequences.
Escorts who are not breaking the law will not offer you sex for money. And many of us don’t like to talk about money, first because it ruins the mood and the fantasy, and second because it can devolve into a man morphing into a crasser version of himself–the version that “thinks with the wrong head,” forgets that we are people, and starts trying to negotiate dollar amounts for activities which, as you know, is illegal.
How to Ask What Sexual Activities an Escort Does or Doesn’t Do
How do I find out about what they can or don’t do without incriminating myself or sounding like an idiot?
Why do you need to ask this before you’ve even started? Who does that? I mean, I guess some people do, but I find that really odd, if you want to be intimate with a person, as opposed to a list of activities.
At the beginning of your time together, as I explained in my last post, introduce yourself, be normal and nice, make conversation, and treat this as a normal date. The monetary gift should already be in place. If she likes you, things will progress. Yes, you can “make the moves” on her, as you might with anyone you’re on a date with, unless she has made it clear that she does not want you to. And an escort is not going to stick around if she doesn’t want you to. She will either leave, or she will ask you to leave. Hopefully you’ll be graceful about it and won’t just reach over and grab her boob and honk it or something totally ridiculous (though I think I would crack up if that happened). If you’re really feeling confused as to how to get the physical intimacy started, ask for a backrub. Or even better, ask to give her a backrub! If you’re not sure what to do next, let your hands wander a bit and ask, “Is this OK?” You’ll probably start to undress each other at this point. WTF, I’m actually turning myself on picturing this, LOL.
Ahem, anyway. Really, all I’m doing here is telling you how to initiate sex with a woman. Escorts are women. Go with the flow, checking in along the way, and ask for what you want in the moment. Communication is key.
As for not incriminating yourself: Again, don’t exchange money for sex.
As for sounding like an idiot: we all sound like idiots sometimes, so the sooner you get used to it, the better.
So I’m safe, right?
All of this being said, if the police want to arrest you, they’ll find a way. Sorry, that’s the world we live in.
Your best bet is to decrease your risk: meet with providers who are unlikely to be undercover cops, and who are unlikely to be targeted by police.
Think logically. Is an escort who has been around for a while, who maintains a presence online, who obviously cares about the image she’s presenting to potential clients, likely to be a cop? Probably not. If she were meeting with guys simply to arrest them, word would get out pretty quickly. That’s the beauty of the internet. Within an hour of being bailed out of jail, the guy would be pounding away at his keyboard, making sure everyone who would even THINK about seeing an escort knew not to meet with her.
Now, think like law enforcement. The exchange of sex for money is criminalized for no good reason (other than time-honored prudery and the power of the “moral majority”), and I’m willing to bet that the vast majority of police officers couldn’t care less what consenting adults do behind closed doors and why they do it. But they don’t write the laws; they just do the job. And, for now, stings are part of the job. “Stings” happen for a reason. Usually, the goal is one of the following:
“Clean up the streets”: Remove sex workers and their customers from the area (the area’s being gentrified, new money is coming in, and the newcomers want “those icky people” to disappear).
“Be tough on crime”: There’s an election coming up–Quick! Everybody look busy! Make some arrests!
Don’t go cruising around in your car offering people money for sex.
Don’t see escorts who seem not to consider their own safety before agreeing to meet with you (i.e., they don’t screen) (if the goal is to make arrests, law enforcement isn’t going to make it difficult for you)
Don’t meet with escorts who you think might be forced or coerced to sell sex, or who appear to be minors. As a matter of fact, I suggest meeting with women you’re damn sure aren’t minors (partly because you don’t want to risk meeting with someone too young to consent, and partly because cougars are hot).
Update: As of 2/19/17, I don’t know what’s going on with this site. I know the name of the site has been changed to “bluejello.co”, but I’m not sure why. Check it out, but don’t judge me if you find it lacking; I wrote this review/recommendation when it was in its nascency.
Sometimes I tend to ramble, so here’s the short version: TrustedFling (now bluejello.co) is a new client screening site for escorts, and a new, simpler way for clients to screen out unsafe/unsavory providers without reviews.
I really like the idea behind this site, and I’d love to see it take off. Consider this your official invite:
And of course you know that, for my safety and peace of mind, I require screening of all new clients, and I encourage other providers to screen thoroughly as well. I accept P411 as part of my screening process, and I think it’s an excellent tool when it’s used as it was intended to be. Preferred411 is perhaps the most popular screening site around, at least for my neck of the woods. But that’s not saying much because there are only two that are really used around here: Preferred411 and Date-Check. And some of you might have heard me express my frustration with Date-Check.
Recently I stumbled upon a new site, TrustedFling, and though it’s just starting out, I think it’s on the right track and has a lot of potential. Let me explain:
I have no problem with clients letting each other know that I’m safe and reputable (and sexy and awesome). But my client lamented the fact that most of the sites for escort reviews won’t allow non-explicit reviews. If you don’t include graphic details and descriptions in your review of a provider, they won’t publish it on the site. So basically, it’s: “Either write erotic nonfiction about your time with Annie, or don’t write about her at all.”
I went on to explain that there are lots of girls who don’t want clients to post explicit reviews of their time together, and there are a lot of clients who don’t want to take the time and energy out to write reviews. However, everyone wants to be safe, and no one wants to be cheated. That’s why escorts prefer to meet with clients who have been vetted, and clients prefer to meet with escorts for whom other guys can vouch. But:
when you add the number of escorts that don’t want explicit reviews on the internet (which effectively excludes them from the review system altogether) to the number of guys who don’t want to write porn in their spare time (or porn-tastic descriptions of intimate time spent with a lovely, intelligent, entertaining, funny, enchanting vixen-for-hire ::wink wink::), you get a pretty big number of reviews that aren’t being written. Reviews that could be providing relevant information to hesitant clients.
Then I suggested a few yes/no questions that a client could answer about the escort he’s met with–questions that would simply reassure other interested gents that yes, this girl is legit, safe, and recommended. It would take maybe 30 seconds to fill out, and there would be no graphic descriptions of specifics involved. Great idea, no?
Of course this wouldn’t replace the current review system; it would simply supplement it. Anyone who enjoys writing or reading reviews would still be able to do that on the sites we already have available (ECCIE, TER, etc.). But this would be another option–one that review writers and readers could use in addition to the current system, and that those who aren’t fans of reviews could use instead.
And that’s where TrustedFling comes in. It’s the first site I’ve seen that resembles what I’m talking about.
How it Works
Well, to be honest, it’s still a little clunky. I found a description, but for some reason I can’t link to it (the link leads to the wrong place on the page), so I’ll have to copy/paste:
The Safety Reference System: Safety References are positive or negative references given by providers to clients and clients to providers. A Positive Reference indicates that the refer-er considers the refer-ee to be a safe person who is not a danger to the community. A Negative Reference indicates the opposite. You can view or give references by clicking the blue “View” or “Rate” buttons on a user’s profile page.
When you receive a positive reference from another user, it only becomes visible and active after you return a reference (positive or negative) back to the sender. The website will send you a private message reminding you to check your safety references and return any that are pending a reply, and you will see any pending references highlighted in your own safety reference screen. The same applies to a positive reference that you send to another user – your reference will not be visible on their profile until they send you a reference in return. Negative references work differently – they are visible immediately in the recipient’s safety list, to protect the community from harmful people.
It seems pretty cool, and even though it’s still in its nascent stages, I decided to give it a try. Unfortunately, it won’t take off until it reaches a critical mass of providers and clients using it, so we’ll see how it goes. I do know that the owner of the site seems pretty cool, and is open to suggestions. He’s also offering free $50 Amazon Gift Cards just for referring people to the site. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go get one of those…
Oh! And providers of all genders are welcome, as are providers of services other than escorting (BDSM, Sensual Massage, etc.).
The questions about screening never end, and sometimes my clients give me fantastic ideas. For instance, the following client proposed a new way for me to screen clients via employment info, without asking them to send emails from their work email account:
Good afternoon Annie. I love all the information you are providing. Your blog is a valuable resources for those who have little to no experience, such as myself.
While I find your email verification idea promising, do you think one would find it acceptable to send an email to a clients work address then at which time the individual could in turn copy said contents of the email and respond with the message from their personal email. The reason being, some businesses track the majority of their emails and by responding to the email being sent to the their work address could sacrifice anonymity for the client.
Thank you in advance for any reply. You are fantastic.
Here’s my reply:
So, if I’m understanding you correctly, what you mean is that the escort would send an email to ClientsName@clientsemployer.com that said something like this:
The owl flies at midnight.
Then, instead of emailing her back from your work email (ClientsName@ClientsEmployer.com), you would use your regular personal email account to send her a message that looks something like this:
I got your email at my work account. The message it contained was “The owl flies at midnight.”
Hope to hear from you soon,
This would mean that:
Because you were able to tell her the unique, un-guessable message her email contained, the escort would know that you have access to that account, so therefore you must be the real Daniel Lastname, and
You did this without responding to her from your work account, so there was never a back-and-forth email conversation going through your employer’s server. That way, if your employer is monitoring your email conversations, you can always say, “Yeah, I got that weird email, but I didn’t know what it was about and I didn’t recognize the name of the person who sent it, so I just ignored it. You mean that was a female escort??? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!!! What did she want with me?!? I’ve never contacted an escort in my life! Shoot, I didn’t even know they existed! I thought they were a myth! Like unicorns and Santa Claus and politicians with integrity!!” etc. etc. etc.
Yes, this type of loophole would work for me. And what a creative solution it is!
The date and time you’d like to meet (and a couple alternatives if possible)
The number of hours you’d like to schedule
The location you’d like to meet
If you do this, you are pretty much guaranteed to receive an email from me within a day letting you know that I’ve scheduled your appointment and reserved that time for you.
If we have to go back and forth several times before we have everything squared away, your email is likely to get lost in the steady stream of emails I receive daily. You KNOW I require screening, but here’s another thing you might not know: If you’re contacting me in advance, then yes, I will be available. If I get an email inquiry without screening info, or without a real date/time, etc., my response will be to reply to your email asking for that information, because I cannot schedule an appointment until I have it. I will then promptly forget about your incomplete request while I proceed to work my way through the zillion other emails I have in my inbox.
The problem is, I may not remember to check to see if you’ve responded tomorrow.
So, let’s be efficient. Tell me exactly what you want, right off. Give me the info I need, and I will reserve that night for YOU. It’ll be done, and neither of us will have to stress about hammering out the details. And then we can look forward to the time we’ll have together ;)
Continued from the previous post, in which a client asked for advice on a few topics. I’ve chosen to break them up into separate entries. In this one, I’ll address a question regarding a client’s number of P411 “Okays.” P411 “Okays” are stamps of approval on the screening website Preferrred411 (commonly referred to as “P411”) by escorts with whom a client has met.
Also, can someone have too many “okays” on P411?
You know, that’s another good question. Ugh, and it’s complicated, too.
Honestly, I’ve had guys with a few hundred P411 Okays contact me, and I will admit that, yes, it did give me pause.
But really, let’s look at this a little more closely: yes, that means the client has met with quite a few escorts. But If I made a decision not to see him based on that fact, I’d be succumbing to the culturally-conditioned whorephobia that I’m so adamantly against. Why does it matter if he generously compensated his last 200 sexual partners for their time? Would it be better if he had met the last 200 girls he slept with in a bar? And, theoretically, if he has 200 Okays on P411, these 200 girls are vouching for him and saying that he’s safe to meet with and won’t cause any trouble. Therefore he is arguably one of the people I should be least worried about. And I’m going to take the same precautions with him as I do with everyone because, ultimately, my safety and well-being is my responsibility.
The Verdict? The more the merrier, in my humble (but sex-positive) opinion.
So no, I don’t think that someone can have “too many” Okays on P411. But I’m not everyone. There may be girls out there who will be turned off by “too many” P411 Okays, but I’m willing to bet this is a knee-jerk response to what society tells us about this business, sex workers, and the clients who pay for their services. You can’t really blame those girls. The idea that sex workers are dirty whores and clients are (only slightly less) dirty whoremongers is deeply ingrained in our culture, and it’s something that even we (sex workers) are vulnerable to sometimes. Either way, “too many” is relative, so I wouldn’t put too much mental energy into worrying about that. My advice is to get an OK from every P411 girl you see. (I *have* heard girls say they don’t like to meet with guys who have no *recent* OKs. I guess they figure that their account might have been taken over by someone else? I’m not sure what their reasoning is.)
Hey all! Happy New Year! Hope 2015 is treating y’all well. It’s brought some huge changes for little ol’ me. Some of you know what I’m talking about; some of you don’t. Don’t worry, I’m fine and nothing terrible has happened. It’s ultimately a good (actually, awesome and amazing) thing, but it’s going to be to be an exciting, hectic, difficult, and scary few months…wish me luck?
Anyway, let’s get to the topic at hand. I was going through my email inbox (which I’m pitifully behind on, by the way…sorry, y’all), and I discovered a message I hadn’t previously noticed. I feel pretty bad for answering it so late, but better late than never, right?
…You know, I should really do an advice column. I get so many emails from curious readers, and I genuinely do enjoy answering them (when I have the time). Maybe that should be one of my new projects for 2015?
Here’s the email (sensitive details removed):
I’ve just read your three part blog series concerning the various reference methods you employ for clients. Very informative and helpful I might add. My situation is a bit unique and I wanted to get your take for my best course of action.
Specifically, I’m a newbie with no references to speak of. I am also (**insert profession or organization here**) holding an extremely sensitive position. With that being said, I am very hesitant about providing anything work related, to even include my email address […] Same goes for the data verification websites, as from what I gather, require the same work related information.
So therein lies my quandary; how do I prove that I’m a respectable and trustworthy person, while at the same time protect my work identity? Is there a way to do so without providing work information, or providing it, but without a digital breadcrumb trail? Or am I screwed in the sense that I will never be able to enjoy the company of a professional companion due to my unique circumstances? Just wanted to get your perspective and recommendation on this, as I know you’re very experienced and knowledgeable in this area.
Lastly, I want to close by saying that I completely understand the thoroughness of the verification process. To be honest with you, when searching for my first potential provider, I avoid those who don’t utilize such a process.
I’m fully aware you’re a very busy woman but any recommendation no matter how long or short would very much be appreciated.
Well then, “John,” here’s my answer:
First of all, I’m glad to hear that, in your search for a professional companion, you’re considering her screening requirements a requirement of your own. That’s smart. And I can’t really vouch for what the screening sites (like P411, or the ever-terrible and most certainly NOT recommended Date-Check) require, as I’ve never been a client applying for membership to those sites. But to answer your question…
Honestly, your situation is gonna be difficult. It will require extra effort and/or money on your part.
Here are the options I can think of (and that I’ve used in the past):
You could offer to meet the lady in a public place for an in-person screening. This would require you both to show up at a public place (think coffee shop, bookstore, etc.), and for you to bring your ID and enough cash to cover her hourly rate (in a gift bag or a birthday card–you’ll be in public, so don’t just had her a wad of bills, obviously). Sit down for a bit, talk with her, and show her your ID. She can look at your ID, look at you, and verify that it’s legit. Then, you can part ways, and she can go home and do her research to make sure you’re not some kind of crazy predator. She can then contact you and schedule a date.
This method sounds extreme, I know. But you have to account for the fact that it’s rather extreme to expect a woman to meet alone with a man she knows literally nothing about–a man who refuses to provide her with any identifying information about himself. Honestly, when a man refuses to tell me who he is, but he wants me to meet with him alone, I think “What’s he trying to hide?”
Perhaps there are girls who, upon meeting up with you, would feel comfortable enough to proceed with a date immediately (before returning home to research you and verify that you’re not a predator), but you shouldn’t go into the meeting expecting that.
I used this method once with a client who was involved in politics. It worked well for us.
You could go to the source: ask the lady you’re interested in meeting with what you can do to make her comfortable meeting with you. You don’t have to agree to whatever she suggests, of course. But you should listen respectfully before you accept or decline her offer. Remember that the objective here is for her to ensure her own safety. After all, if she feels she’s wandered into a potentially dangerous situation, the date won’t be enjoyable for either of you.
Set up a fake email account and “persona.” Join a message board like TER or ECCIE. Start contacting providers that way. There may be a provider on there who is (unfortunately) lax about screening. See her. Be nice, be generous, have fun. Hope that her recommendation carries weight with other providers. Hope that, when you use her as a reference and another provider contacts her to make sure you’re cool, she actually responds in a timely manner with a message that says “yes, John’s a safe, fun, great guy.” Hope that the girl trusts her and meets with you. See her. Be nice, be generous, have fun. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Build up a list of references that way.
There are problems with this option.
First, you’ll have to set up a profile on a “hobby board.” If you’re afraid of leaving evidence of your newfound entertainment options/leisure activities, this is pretty much the worst thing a snooping partner/boss/child could find. Seriously. Some of the people on those boards are pretty vile, and no one’s beating around the bush (pun intended) as far as subject matter.
Secondly, you should know that many, many girls do not see guys based solely on references. The reference system requires us to trust each other. We’re basically on the honor system, and we’re relying on each other to be honest, charitable, and timely.
That sounds easy enough, but you have to understand that, if Suzie emails Nancy to ask if Dick is an OK guy, Nancy has to stop what she’s doing, figure out who Dick is, try to remember if he was cool or not, and then compose an email vouching for him.
The only person who receives an immediate benefit from the exchange is Suzie, who, presumably, now feels safe enough to meet Dick for an hour and leave a few hundred bucks richer. Yay, Suzie! Yay, Dick!!
But what about Nancy?
Nancy has lost anywhere from 2 to 20 minutes of her time (depending on how good her memory is, whether she has a smartphone with internet access, how fast/accurate she can type, etc.). And what has Nancy won? A warm, fuzzy feeling in her heart, because she knows she helped another provider do two things: 1) make an informed decision, and 2) pay her rent.
But not everyone is motivated by a sense of decency/ethics/responsibility/warm, fuzzy feelings.
Some people are lazy. They’ll say, “What’s in it for me?” And they won’t bother answering.
Some will say, “I sincerely don’t remember Dick, sorry.”
And unfortunately, some will say, “Why is Dick trying to schedule a date with the competition? I should call him and offer him a $50 discount to meet with me instead.”
Still others will say, “Oh, I’d better answer that email…oh shit! Darling Offspring, is that peanut butter? Dammit, don’t paint the dog with peanut butter!” And then she’ll spend the next hour cleaning peanut butter out of the hair, ears, and nose of both her child and her dog, and she’ll forget she ever read that email reference request.
So, it’s an imperfect system. Ideally, we all cooperate for the good of the group–an extended community of sex workers whose work can be quite dangerous (due to criminalization and cultural stigma) if we don’t work together to ensure each individual’s safety. But the world is full of real people, not ideal cogs in an ideal machine. And some real people are real assholes.
(Preface: Sometimes I get carried away. If you’re in a rush, you don’t want to hear about my love of 3-legged dogs and my hatred of mayonnaise, and you just want to be reassured that we’re not performing weird witchcraft rituals with your info or selling it to spammers for .0000000001 cent, scroll on down. I assure you, I DO have a point…)
Due to my work I am fortunate enough to be regular visitor to this very lively and storied city of New Orleans. I find its culture and social diversity incredibly inspiring and refreshing. Unfortunately I’ve also found that the city’s acceptance of cultural cooperation and sundry comes to a towering road block when one begins exploring the possibility of retaining a provider. Being relatively new but not completely green to these kind of arrangements I became quickly aware of the circumspection many providers have with concern to dealing with black men, particularly younger black men. I’ve speculated a great many possibilities as to why; knowing many black men having an almost innate instinct to haggle I’d placed that as the primary nuisance. Nevertheless it can be quite dispiriting when delving in attempting to find an adequate match and you see on ad after ad “No Black Men” or “No Black Men” followed by some specific age provision.
So yesterday I received an email from a client I had an absolutely amazing time with a few weeks back. This gentleman was inquiring as to whether he could use me as a reference. For those of you who aren’t that familiar with how providers and clients meet each other safely, or how we know if we even want to meet each other (i.e., will we be compatible?), allow me to explain.
Providers use many, many methods of screening (I’ve written two pretty extensive blog posts on the screening methods I use: My Screening Practices Explained – Part 1 and Part 2 – P411, Date-Check, and References.). When you schedule a date with a provider (escort, personal/professional companion, FBSM/sensual massage provider, etc.), she may ask you (the hopeful client) for “references.” What she’s asking for is permission to contact providers you have met with previously (usually two or three of them).
Why do we ask for this? Well, here’s the thing: women talk. (So do men, of course, but I haven’t interacted with many male providers, unfortunately. I’d love hear their perspective on this, though.) And in this business, we look out for each other–or at least, those of us who are decent human beings do. So, before we meet with a client, we like to consult each other to make sure the guy is safe and respectful. And sometimes, just sometimes, we might get a few insider tips on what that client really enjoys. ;)
This isn’t very different from “real-life” dating. We all exist within social circles. In the past, whenever I’ve been “romantically” (or simply sexually) interested in someone, I’ve consulted with mutual friends to get the scoop on him/her. And boy, have I dodged some bullets. But my behind-the-scenes detective work (if you can call asking a friend “So, what’s the deal with so-and-so?” “detective work”) has also led to some truly amazing, satisfying romantic encounters, relationships, and friendships.
In addition to the identity verification system I outlined in Part 1, I do, like many other providers, accept provider references and use P411 as part of my screening process, but I no longer accept Date-Check.
P411 (or Preferred 411, if you want to be fancy and call it by its full name) is a site where clients network with providers. Basically, providers vouch for clients.
This is how it works: A provider meets with a client, and then she reports back to the site regarding whether the client is safe to meet with or not. If she feels that he was a gentleman, she will indicate that. This is called an “Okay.” If she felt that her safety was jeopardized by meeting with him, she will report him. The next time he decides to meet with a provider, she can check the “Okays” he has been given, and then contact those providers for further details. Using this system, providers can quickly and easily vet potential clients based on how other providers felt after sessions with him.
Date-Check is similar, just uglier and clunkier. Seriously, it looks like they jumped into a time machine, traveled back to 1998, and asked a 7-year-old with a drug problem to design that website. It’s a mess. Also, the admins/owners of that site are…not the brightest of the bunch. For example, at the moment they have me listed as “retired.” Why? Because I had the gall to tell them that, if they were going require me to pay them for access to their site (a site whose main revenue comes from the traffic and paid subscriptions of clients who are searching for escorts), then they needed to pay me for access to my photos and content. You see, they elected to keep my photos, content, contact info on their site after notifying me that my account was no longer free. I’m not OK with a company using my material to pull traffic to their site and giving me nothing in return, so I asked them to restore my account or remove my profile. Somehow, they understood that as, “I’m quitting the business.” Um, no.
There are several other websites similar to these. Different sites are more popular in different locations. For example, Room Service 2000 (RoomService2000.com) is popular in Chicago. P411 is probably the most widely used in New Orleans.
I do ask for references from clients (click here for a detailed explanation of how that works). No, this doesn’t mean I want to hear from your thesis director or your boss. This means I would like to personally contact (through email or phone) two or three providers you’ve met with. I’ll talk to that provider, and I’ll ask her a few questions that will (hopefully) let me know I will be safe and comfortable in the client’s presence, and that we will be compatible.
TER Whitelist – The Erotic Review Client Whitelist
I’m often contacted by potential clients who seem to be a bit perplexed by my screening practices. I know that they may seem odd to some, but as I’ve said elsewhere, this is a necessary process. Now, you’ve probably either already noticed–or have been directed to–my list of accepted screening methods on my FAQ page and my Booking Page. But just to reiterate, here it is again:
Screening is required for all new friends. I accept the following methods of verification (choose one):
-2 provider references (links to her ad or site, and email), OR
-Employment Verification: Your full (real) name, the name of your employer, and your company email or direct phone number, OR
-I accept Date-Check as part of my screening process.
Most clients who are sincerely interested in meeting with me understand that, by employing these methods, I am both ensuring my safety and prioritizing discretion, and they are therefore happy to supply this information.
Lately I’ve gotten a number of emails from clients who tell me to simply Google their names. I’ve typed up several polite, well-thought-out explanations as to why this is not an acceptable substitute for my screening process, some of which were met with understanding and acquiescence, others of which were never answered. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve left my reasoning ambiguous, and I might better serve my clients by explaining what may seem to be an arbitrary list of requirements here.
“Here’s my name. Just Google me, Baby!”
The suggestion, “Just Google me” may seem logical to a client. After all, he may Google his name and find out even more than he’d like me to know, and therefore believe that the info on Google is more than sufficient.
But it’s not. First off, remember that I’ve got a couple Master’s degrees under my belt, so I’m well-versed in research methods, and if Google covered all aspects of client-screening, trust me, I’d be teaching classes on it.
Yes, I can find out a lot about a person just by using Google (probably more than most people realize). The problem arises when I need to verify that I am actually speaking with the person I’m Googling.
Here’s an example of a typical email exchange with a “Just Google me!” client:
To: Annie@NOLAcourtesan.com From: BobRoss1965@gmail.com Subject: Appointment with you tonight Message:
My name is Bob Ross. You may have heard of me. I’m a painter, and I used to have my own TV show. Remember “happy little trees?” Yeah, I started that whole thing. Anyway, I want to meet with you tonight. I know it’s short notice, but I’m sure you can accommodate a slick guy like me.
Talk to you soon,
Bob Ross the TV Painter
To: BobRoss1965@gmail.com From: Annie@NOLAcourtesan@gmail.com Subject: RE: Appointment with you tonight Message:
Thanks for contacting me. While I’d love to meet with you, I have not yet received your screening information, and I’m afraid I can’t schedule an appointment with you until I do. Please review the accepted screening methods I’ve outlined on my Booking page.
To: Annie@NOLAcourtesan.com From: BobRoss1965@gmail.com Subject: RE:RE: Appointment with you tonight Message:
I did see that list of screening methods, but like I told you, I’m Bob Ross, and all you have to do is Google me. There’s tons of info about me on the internet. I’m a very important person.
Bob Ross, the TV Painter
To: BobRoss1965@gmail.com From: Annie@NOLAcourtesan@gmail.com Subject: RE:RE:RE: Appointment with you tonight Message:
Hi again, Bob.
I did in fact Google your name. Despite the fact that I do indeed see a lot of information related to Bob Ross, I can’t be sure you are actually him until I’m able to use an email or phone that is traceable to you.
What I need is an email address that is associated with you publicly and professionally. For instance, if you work for PBS, and the PBS website lists Bob Ross’s email address as BobRoss@PBS.org, that will work perfectly. You can either shoot me a quick email from that account, or I can contact you through that address and you can reply that you’ve received that message. Then, I’ll know that you are really Bob Ross, the TV Painter.
Alternatively, you can supply a phone number that is traceable to you. Let’s use the PBS example. PBS lists Bob Ross’s office contact number as (504)555-5555. I can call that number and ask to speak to Bob Ross, and all you have to say is “Yes Annie, it’s me,” and I’ll know I’ve been emailing back and forth with the right guy. However, if you only supply me with a phone number for a prepaid phone, or a number that, when Googled, is not attached to your name or business, that doesn’t really help me.
And if neither of those methods works for you, you can also provide references (names and contact info or websites) from two established professional companions/providers/escorts you’ve met with in the past. I’ll contact them to make sure you’re safe and a gentleman. When they respond positively, I’ll get back to you and we can set up an appointment.
Thanks for understanding, Bob! Hope to hear from you soon.
In this hypothetical, I’m betting Bob doesn’t respond, lol.
I hope this clarifies things. If not, maybe I can show you what I mean with a little example. Let’s pretend this is the first time we’ve encountered one another. Here’s what I’ll say to you:
My name is Julia Roberts. You may have heard of me. I’m an actress–a pretty famous one. Go ahead and Google me; you’ll see lots of information about me and what I do. Now you should feel 100% confident that I’m Julia Roberts, the famous actress who is not dangerous or creepy.
Absolutely, Positively, Without-a-Doubt, the Real Julia Roberts®
Now you can be 100% confident you’ll be meeting with Julia Roberts, right? ;)
OK so that’s a pretty ridiculous example, but the truth is, you’d be surprised how often random weirdos on the internet have contacted me claiming to be high-profile local businessmen or surgeons or whathaveyou. You might seem like a reasonable, respectful guy, but I can never be too careful with my safety.
Thanks so much in advance for understanding!
By the way:
If you do choose the professional email address route, and you’re concerned about my email address raising a red flag with your employer, I’ve got a solution. When I use this method, I use a separate, unassuming email address (the word “courtesan” is absent, so this email address doesn’t sound sexy.)
Here’s a copy of the email I send:
Please respond to this message for verification purposes.
If you are not the person who requested this message, please reply to this message with the word ‘Remove,’ or simply disregard.
I do not meet with everyone who contacts me–that would be nearly impossible, as I receive quite a few emails a day. Scheduling is a complicated matter, as we both have lives, complete with responsibilities and prior obligations. The best way to ensure that I will be able to meet with you is to complete the form below (or provide the same info in an email).
Screening and Discretion
If you are not willing to provide screening information, I will not meet with you.
I have written lengthy explanations of why I screen and how I use these methods to ensure my safety. If you are wary of screening, please read through that info first. I understand you want to be discreet. I have never encountered a client who said to me, “Annie, I just don’t care about discretion. I love escorts, and by George, I’m gonna yell it from the rooftops!!” If I do meet a client who tells me that, I will run the other way. Because guess what? I want to be discreet ;)
Before you ask…
Please do not send me an email asking if I’m “in town” or “available” next Wednesday. I live here. I’m always in town. And if you’ve contacted me a few days in advance, then yes, I can be available. Please, please, please send as much info as possible (date, time, location, your name, your screening info). If everyone did that, I’d be able to confirm appointments almost immediately, and it would save me at least 10 hours (literally) a week.