Today I’m answering a question from a newbie escort. She’s just starting out and, understandably, she’s researching how to stay safe. “Bad client lists” are one of the resources available to escorts, though their usefulness is widely varied depending on the type of list, whether it’s maintained by a for-profit business or by volunteers associated with a sex workers’ rights organization, and the geographical focus of the list. Here’s her question:
Hi, Annie.
I hope you are well.
I am reaching out to you specifically because you have such a great explanation for screening on your website. I am a newbie in Toronto hoping you will take a minute to keep me safe by sharing any blacklist type sites you use for screening clients (besides TER, P411 and getting references). I am thinking of paying to get access to the National Blacklist and wondering if there are others.
Essentially, I really don’t want to run into any aggressive types that could hurt me.
Thanks for being a shining example of “doing things the right way”. I hope life is treating you well.
And my answer:
National Blacklist – Serving the .01% of the Escort Community that Pays for an Overpriced SubscriptionFuck National Blacklist. That site hasn’t been relevant in like 3 years (at least).
Plus, I don’t now anyone who has ever paid for a membership. And it’s not cheap–I think it’s downright comical that they’re charging $20/month or $150/year, considering the fact that there have been a total of 8 posts for Toronto this year, and 8 last year. And that includes a post about a client who was “annoying,” a post about one who “sent a dick pic,” and a post warning that a guy is a “no show” who “stinks of B.O.” (can she smell him through the phone?). Then again, I can only see the first few words of each post, so it’s possible that those guys really are dangerous in addition to their obnoxiousness, dick pics, and disagreeable body odor. But I’m not paying $20 (to a company that hasn’t updated its website in at least 5 years) to find out.
And that’s the problem with this type of site. Unless EVERYONE has access to a site like that, it’s pointless. Any provider can be victimized by a bad client or a cop, but if she doesn’t have access to this list, you’ll never know that it happened. I think that it was once possible to add names/numbers/etc. even without a membership, but even so, since it was of so little use unless you actually paid for a membership, nobody really bothered with it.
That’s the biggest problem I have with paid blacklist sites–even if a lot of escorts DO pay for access, they’re always going to alienate the most vulnerable among us: those who can’t afford a membership, or who don’t have a bank account, etc.
There’s a site called VerifyHim in the US. It’s a paid site, and they use misleading scare tactics to convince providers to sign up, and I’m not giving money to a company that does that. But *a lot* of providers love it.
Honestly I don’t know of any blacklist sites that would be worth it. A few years back there was a free site called ProviderBuzz, but it disappeared very suddenly and without explanation. I’m guessing they got sued for libel. It wasn’t public–you had to first prove you were a legit provider before you were granted access, but I can still see how someone could argue that they were the victim of defamation due to accusations posted on the site.VerifyHim.com – Enter your grandmother’s phone number. See all the warnings from escorts she’s raped! You need our service! Oh wait, just kidding, that was just a demonstration of what you *would* see if your grandma raped escorts. Thanks for the $$, though!
There’s BadBoyReports.com, but again, I don’t know anyone who uses it. And I’m not sure who runs that site, but it looks like anyone can make an anonymous post about a client. And that’s great because any provider, regardless of her financial resources, can warn others about a bad client without worrying about the risk to her reputation. But that also means the site is open to submissions from anyone–enemies of the client, angry girlfriends or wives of the client, providers who, for whatever reason, want to prevent a safe, respectful guy from seeing other providers, etc. Everything on that site is published publicly, so a simple Google search of the client’s name will bring anything on the site right up, so I don’t think it’s too farfetched that someone seeking to humiliate a guy might put him on that site.
Even when they do work, the problem with lists like these, at least in the US (I don’t know how this works in Canada), is that the owner of the site is, at least to some degree, responsible for the content on the site. As you can imagine, there aren’t a whole lot of people who are willing to take legal responsibility for what providers might post about clients, nor are there many people who are willing to be the target of a “bad client’s” rage when he discovers he’s been blacklisted on your site.
Some providers use the providers-only section of local forums to exchange info on clients. For example, in my area, there’s a “Providers-Only Infoshare” section of ECCIE New Orleans where providers can post about clients they’ve had bad experiences with. Usually, this means he was dangerous, a thief, or a cop. However, it’s moderated by “hobbyists” (plus one provider), and posting the guy’s real name or contact information is prohibited. So, you see posts like,
“Do not meet with this guy; he’s a rapist:
D**e B*r*e
(504) 2*5-**42
*d**rs4*8@gmail.com”
The provider must obscure letters and numbers so that the guy’s identity remains hidden. Because, after all, even rapists deserve anonymity in this business–having his identity revealed could ruin the poor guy’s life!!!
You can send the provider who posted that warning a direct message requesting the guy’s complete info, of course. But that system only works if you’re constantly on the site, watching for those posts, and the guy happens to be contacting you around the same time. Also, you’d have to check every single area’s local Providers-Only Infoshare forum, contact each provider for the full info on the bad client, etc.
If that works for the providers who use that resource, that’s great. But for me, it’s pretty useless.
Mugs, a project of UK NSWPIn the UK there’s a project called National UglyMugs run by UKNSWP where providers can post warnings about dangerous clients. To my knowledge, we don’t have anything nationwide like that here in the US. I’m not sure what Canada has to offer. I would suppose it has a lot to do with the laws in each country and how they could be applied to something like this.
Some places have private “Bad Client” email lists they circulate via email. You might want to check with any sex worker organizations in your area. Maybe Maggie’s Toronto? Oh damn, I just checked. They have something called “The No List.” You should contact them to get access. I would definitely use that resource if I were you, but only in addition to other screening methods.
Honestly, I trust my own screening much more than any of these lists. The absence of a guy’s name on a list doesn’t mean he’s safe, and good screening will filter out most of the guys who providers eventually make reports about. That said, if Maggie’s Toronto is maintaining a list, get access, and use it! Don’t waste your time or money on National Blacklist, though.
New question today! It’s a good one, too. I talk a lot about client screening, but it’s been a while since I’ve written on the topic of how to figure out if an escort is legit.
Dear Annie,
I found an escort on Eros.com. She has her own website but refuses reviews (which I understand and appreciate). I am wondering if I can trust this individual even though we only texted to set an appointment. She did ask for an email from my work account so I feel a little at ease but still question if I am being reckless with a possible sting. Thanks.
PS: The appointment is at her incall at a hotel. Thanks.
–LonelyInNashville
Ah, the whole “is she/he a cop” question. It’s a constant concern for anyone who works and/or plays in this biz. And of course, it will be, until the US wakes up and realizes that full decriminalization is the only ethical approach to sex work, the safest approach for sex workers, and the best way to protect vulnerable people from those who wish to exploit them.
But in the meantime, we have to research clients before we meet with them, and when considering meeting with an escort, clients must take great pains to do research of their own.
I tend to yammer on and on about the “why” of things before I get to the “how” because everything leads to a whole new can of worms–especially when I’m procrastinating in order to avoid something I really don’t feel like doing, like get in my un-air-conditioned car and drive to the grocery store. So sit back and prepare to read a novel, or just skip to the How to Vet an Escort Who Doesn’t Allow Reviews section.
So You’ve Found an Escort Who Doesn’t Allow Reviews
In this situation, most “hobbyists” would tell you to run the other way. Fast.
But wait! Her pics are super hot and her website and ads are intriguing as all hell and you really, really, really wanna meet this girl. Also, fuck hobbyists, they’re just jealous that she won’t give them a discount in exchange for a good review.
But you can’t just go for it without taking some precautions. For one, you want to make sure this isn’t some kind of bait-and-switch situation–you don’t want to book an appointment with a girl with supermodel good looks and wit to match, only to be met at the door by a bridge troll (LOL I kid, I kid). But more importantly, you don’t want to end up in a sting.
So what now? Well, believe it or not, many, many reputable providers do not participate in the review system, and there are other ways to verify whether an escort is legit.
Why Some Escorts Don’t Allow Reviews
Contrary to popular belief, reviews aren’t the end-all be-all to vetting an escort. Like I said, many providers don’t allow them (and for a while I actively discouraged them, and then I realized that in general, clients who meet with me aren’t the type to write reviews anyway. And besides, the occasional flattery IS kinda nice…), and the vast majority of the time, it’s not because they’re trying to pull one over on clients.
The Purpose of Escort Review Sites
The review system. Many escorts have a love-hate relationship with it, and many escorts simply have a hate-hate relationship with it. Ostensibly, review sites are a way for hobbyists to let other hobbyists know which escorts are legit, which are to be avoided, and what services a given escort offers. Sounds great, right?
Well, it is…kind of. First of all, understand that review sites aren’t providing a forum for clients to exchange info about escorts out of the kindness of their hearts. It’s a business. And as many of you might already know, there’s a lot more to this business than providing a way for clients to “stay safe,” “avoid thieves,” and “let other guys know what’s ‘on the menu'” (barf).
Screenshot of the ECCIE New Orleans board. All that crap on the sides, top, and bottom of the screen is ads, most of them animated (blinking). Many of the menu items (with the ECCIE website’s styling) are actually ads masquerading as links to other pages on ECCIE. Clicking on anything that *is* legit will result in a pop-up ad you have to close (sometimes twice!) before you can see the page you meant to go to. ECCIE sucks.Review sites are, first and foremost, in the business of selling memberships and advertising space. That is, after all, how most content-based websites make money. This is why, on sites where the userbase is escorts and their clients, you’ll see tons of pop-up ads with messages like “Don’t hire an escort! Get a free fuck buddy on AshleyMadison.com!!!!!” or “Escorts are disgusting trash; Why fuck a hooker when you can get a college coed for cheap? Come to SeekingArrangement.com and find a Sugar Baby!” Seems kinda contradictory for sites that facilitate client/escort meetings to run anti-escort ads, right? But ad revenue is ad revenue.
The “content,” of course, is the stuff on a website that people actually want to see–the entire reason they came to the website in the first place. After all, no one visits a website because they want to look at the obnoxious, blinking, tacky paid advertisements in the margins, just as you don’t watch TV because you like commercials (well, unless it’s the Superbowl, but I digress).
For a news or magazine site, the “content” is the articles. For a site about visual art (photography, paintings, sculpture, art installations, etc.) the content is the photos. For a recipe site, the content is the recipes and the images accompanying them. The website serves the content to users, and alongside it, they display ads from third-party businesses who have paid for that ad space. So, even though the users visit the site to see the content, they have to view the ads as well.
The “users,” of course, are you and me: the people who visit the website to view the content.
How Escort Review Sites Make Money–And How You Help
The genius of review sites is that the users provide the content. Therefore, the website doesn’t have to pay writers or artists or any other content creators. And often, they pay for the privilege! In the case of review sites, the “content” would primarily be the photos of escorts (created and uploaded by the escorts themselves) and the reviews of escorts (created/written and posted by clients). A secondary content type would be the discussion forums, which consist of posts written by escorts and clients.
But remember, from a business standpoint, the site is all about selling memberships to (male) users, and selling advertising space to other companies. And the only way to make it worth the buyers’ money is to have tons of content worth viewing.
And this, my friends, is why reviews that aren’t explicit will be rejected. I know it’s a common source of frustration for clients–you spend your $$, you meet with a provider, you go home and fill out the form and write a short essay about what happened, and some power-tripping schmuck (Administrator/Moderator) tells you it’s not “detailed” enough, and he won’t post it until you re-submit a version that’s extremely descriptive about everything that happened.
They’re not doing this just to be a pain (well, maybe some are). They’re doing this because they’re required to by whoever bestowed upon them the rare and coveted honor of Hooker Review Board Moderator. Moderators play an indirect role in generating money for the site. The site draws viewers via 1) pictures (and contact info, etc.) of hot escorts, and 2) written erotica (porn in text form, basically). You can’t really jerk off to “Yeah, she’s safe and legit. I had a good time. Highly recommended.” And if it’s not titillating, are you really gonna spend much time on the site, loading page after page (of ads)? Moderators are there to ensure that your reviews make good erotica–titillating content that will keep users on the site for hours, viewing those third-party ads.
So, now that we’ve established that the review system isn’t exactly a purely generous service to the community, let’s talk about how it plays out in the “real world.” Yes, reviews can still be helpful, and no, profiting from that type of content is not an inherent evil. But because they serve a purpose as erotica, drawing clients to the review site, they must be…well, erotic. So, in order to have their review accepted, clients are required to describe in detail the specific acts they participated in with the escort. That’s all fine and good until you realize:
Those descriptions can be read as a very blatant admission of trading money for sex,
Now that the review system exists, many escorts rely on it as their sole means of advertising,
A list of activities an escort engaged in with one client is often interpreted by future clients as a list of activities she is obligated to offer them, regardless of the fact that they are an entirely different person on an entirely different day in an entirely different situation/setting, etc.,
Escorts have no control over what a client writes, so he is free to reveal as much detail as he pleases, and to embellish or even lie (the sites do not allow escorts to respond to their own reviews),
Therefore clients have a lot of leverage, and the threat of a bad review (or the promised reward of a good one) can cause an escort to do things she otherwise wouldn’t–offer services she’s not comfortable with, lower her rates in response to a client’s demands, etc.
Reputable escorts put A TON of time and energy into crafting and maintaining their personas on the internet. It’s how we advertise and promote. It’s how we show just enough of ourselves to entice clients without revealing too much to the public. It’s the face of our business, and for those of us who really, really love what we do and want to keep doing it, it would be absolutely devastating if someone shattered the whole thing in an act of vengeance, jealousy, or just plain nastiness. So it’s no surprise that some ladies would rather avoid this altogether.
So, when you find a provider who has opted out of the “hobbyist” escort review system, how do you know if she’s legit?
Another photo, just as a reward for reading this far, heh:
How to Vet an Escort Without Reviews
Luckily, there are tons of ways to vet an escort who doesn’t allow reviews. Onward!
Reputable Escort vs. Undercover Cop
OK first, you need to know what you’re looking for. Think about it: what kind of evidence would convince you that she’s most likely not a cop? Remember, reputable escorts do not want to put their business in jeopardy, so we’re very careful to maintain our image on the internet. If we were to participate in a sting (which doesn’t happen, but let’s play this game), it would take a matter of hours (or at most, days) for word to get out, and the business we’ve worked so hard to create would be destroyed in a matter of minutes. So the idea is to find an escort who is well-established, and use caution with anyone who appears fly-by-night.
Here are just a few things that might reassure you that she’s an established escort, not a cop:
An in-depth, long-running website with photos and text that doesn’t look like it was slapped together in 2 minutes (or stolen)
Ads with carefully-created photos and text that have been up for a while–not something quick-n-dirty that first appeared two hours ago.
An active, established social media presence
Profiles on escorting-related web forums and communities, and an established presence in those forums (comments, etc.)
Membership to a client screening site
Real reviews from real clients
Obviously, this isn’t a checklist–she doesn’t have to have everything on the list to be considered legit. And none of these is absolutely guaranteed to prove she’s not a cop. This is simply a guide to finding evidence that will help you make an informed decision.
Google is Your Friend!!
Never underestimate the sloppiness of some people. A lot of people simply don’t care enough, or aren’t smart enough to cover their tracks.
Ever heard of “catfishing”? It’s when someone (with evil intent) pretends to be someone else over the internet, usually via the use of stolen photos. Predators posing as escorts do it all the time, as do escorts who are afraid that their own photos wouldn’t attract clients.
In a sting situation, the ad photos have to come from somewhere. It’s highly unlikely that LE would be willing to arrange and pay for a sexy photoshoot for which they’d have to pay a photographer, a model, and possibly even a hair and makeup person. And it’s pretty damn unlikely that an undercover female cop is going to go through the trouble of a sexy photo shoot–nor should she, and I hope that if one were ever pressured to do so by her superiors, she’d sue their fucking badges off for sexual harassment. But the photos have to come from somewhere, right?
If you know how to use a computer (or even a smartphone), it’s pretty easy to find photos of an impossibly beautiful Brazilian model or a hot escort from another country or region (so that potential clients don’t recognize her, and she’s not likely to be checking to see if any escorts in Randomtown, USA are using her photos in ads), download them, and then use them in your own escort ads. So easy that it happens all the time–people have stolen my photos and used them in their own ads a few times. I imagine this is the same method LE uses when setting up a sting.
The good thing is, as long as the original owner of those photos hasn’t deleted them from whatever website they were originally on, those photos still exist somewhere on the internet. This is where Google Image Search comes in. If you think the pics of the girl in the ad are TGTBT (Too Good To Be True) do a Google Reverse Image Search. It’s easiest in the Chrome browser–just right-click on the photo, and when the drop-down menu pops up, click on “search Google for this image.” Easy. I’m sure there’s a way to do it on Bing, but I don’t use Bing, and I don’t feel like looking it up right now. If you’re a Bing user, just Google “How to do a reverse image search on Bing.” ;)
You can also Google a small but unique block of text from her ad (or site) to see if it appears on any other websites–if the ad was slapped-together with copy/pasted bits from other providers’ sites out of concern for time and a need to “sound authentic.”
Next, just in case, you can Google her phone number, just to see if anyone has put out an “alert” to the community about her when she was using another persona. This is pretty unlikely, but you never know. Maybe she was working with the cops (or maybe she’s otherwise dangerous). Some people just don’t bother changing their phone number after they ruin their own good name. Put the entire phone number in quotes, like this: “504-XXX-5309”
“Busted Escorts” Sites: Bullshit
You may find sites like “EscortBusts.com” or “BustedEscorts.com” or whatever. If you Google a girl’s number, one of those sites may come up and say something like, “DO NOT SEE HER, SHE IS WORKING FOR THE POLICE, YOUR STUPED IF YOU GO SEE HER DONT SAY WE DIDN’T WRAN YOU.” If you do, don’t freak out. Take a deep breath and think this through.
I can’t believe I have to explain this, but…I’ve seen way too many guys (and girls) freak out about these sites. THESE SITES ARE NOT LEGIT. Look at them with a critical eye. Why would a site like this exist? Does it serve any purported purpose other than hand-wringing over a girl supposedly working with the police? Would someone set up a site specifically and solely to warn unwitting would-be clients? How would they pay for that site? Ah, yes. The ads. Notice what those sites tell you, once you get over the shock and horror that OMG YOU JUST ALMOST WALKED INTO A STING (no, you didn’t). See how they seem to be directing you to other, “safer” options (companies or sites) via links? There’s the ad revenue. Scroll to the bottom of the page. There’s probably a “Contact” option, and it might even say “Contact us to remove your information from our site.” Bingo. They want the escorts pictured on these sites to pay them (usually around $100) to remove their names, photos, and numbers from the site. It’s a form of extortion. That’s why these sites exist. They have software that “scrapes” content (photos, text, phone numbers) from other sites (usually Backpage or other highly-trafficked websites with little oversight) and then they upload that same content onto their own site–add a little “OMG OMG OMG YOU IDIOT SHE’S A COP YOU ALMOST FUCKED UP!!” to accompany each photo/name/phone number, and watch the money roll in. How do they get away with it? Well…they’re fucking with escorts, who don’t really have the law on their side, or at least they don’t understand it enough to make a case for themselves. As for the sites they scrape from? It’s a copyright violation, but the highly-trafficked sites like Backpage don’t have time to bother with protecting the content on their site from theft.
Screenshot of BustedEscorts.com: “YOU GONNA CALL MOMMY TO BAIL YOU OUT?” (followed by big paid link to site with “safe” escorts) Screenshot of BustedEscorts.com: “CAUTION: She is an undercover police officer” (followed by paid link to site with “legal” escorts)
Social Media
Social media is another way escorts will establish their legitimacy. More than that, though, it’s free publicity, and it’s a way to interact with other escorts, keep up with their clients, and quickly add pics and announce availability. Does she have a Twitter or Instagram or Snapchat or whatever account that’s been around for a while? Does she have more than just a few followers? Does she actually post stuff every once in a while? Like I said before, in general, LE isn’t going to go through the trouble of setting up and maintaining all these details years in advance of a sting, lol. Especially for a misdemeanor.
The same goes for webforum activity. Check sites like TER (The Erotic Review), TOB (The Other Board), NightShift, ECCIE, SouthernGFE, or whatever is popular in your area.
Screening Sites, etc.
Is she a member of a client screening site like P411 (Preferred411.com) or RS-AVS.com? RS-AVS.com isn’t used in my area, but Preferred411 (P411) is pretty popular, and from what I can tell, it’s used pretty widely, at least in the US. P411 has been infiltrated in the past, but if I remember correctly, LE were targeting escorts, not clients. Either way, P411 is a walled garden of safety precautions, which can be really frustrating when you’re new, but it is what it is. Not just anyone claiming to be a provider can join P411. You have to provide some info to the site’s administrator, and you have to prove that you are really, truly an escort. How does one do that?
Well, in order to be accepted to P411, an escort has to provide proof in the form of….
…
…
(wait for it…)
…
reviews from established clients.
No shit. So yeah, if she’s on P411, it’s a pretty good sign that she’s legit, or that her persona was at some point in the past. Perhaps she originally got a couple reviews just to get access to P411 (that’s what I did), and then went “No Reviews Allowed.” Or maybe she used to accept reviews, but then she got to the point that she no longer needed them, nor did she want the type of clients they attracted. It’s very difficult, but an escort can sometimes get reviews removed from a site (usually she has to fight tooth and nail with the admins of the site, and then she’s essentially unwelcome on that site forever).
Or maybe her old reviews are still up somewhere, she just doesn’t promote them as an advertising tool. You might wanna check.
Lastly, remember that, regardless of her “no reviews” policy, if an escort is trouble (a thief, a bait-and-switch, violent, or working with LE, for example), people WILL post about it. It’s not like she has any recourse.
Anyway, I hope that helps. No, there’s no way for me to guarantee you’re safe (or unsafe) from a sting if you meet this girl…but maybe these tips will help you use your best judgment.
Yay, new question!! Well, semi-new, because it came in like 2 weeks ago and I’m just now getting to it. This one’s a little different from most of the others–today I’m going to answer a couple questions not from a client, but from a woman who is considering working as an escort in New Orleans.
Greetings Annie!
My name’s [redacted], and I’m trying to figure out how to break into the escorting business in the way that feels most right. I started by looking up “escort agencies in Nola” and, while I heard back immediately from one, when it came time to call them, I just couldn’t silence this little voice inside saying there is a better way, and a smarter way, for me to go about this. I started searching online for someone, anyone, that I could reach out to who’s in the business, in New Orleans, doing it independently, and who seemed, well, “real.” You’re the first one.
First of all, thank you for being genuine and being classy. My online searching experience with this business so far has left me a little grossed out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about getting nasty in the bedroom if it fits the mood and energy of the moment; I mean “grossed out” by way of the rampant tackiness, sloppiness, and lack of genuineness I see all over the place. So thank you SO MUCH for putting so much time and effort into your website and image. Your personality really shines through and it’s a massive breath of fresh air.
Sorry, I’m trying to keep this as short as I can. I have two questions:
When a client gives you their employer’s phone number for reference, what do you say in that call? Is it just a simple “could you direct me to [client’s name] please?” And if/when they do, then you just give a quick “thanks” and hang up? Or is there a different way you like to handle it?
Also, how often do clients even give their employer’s phone number for their reference? Just curious.
This question I’m pretty nervous to ask you, because I don’t want to come off as being rude or disrespectful. So feel free to decline answering! But do you make, financially, a really good living doing escorting in New Orleans? It’s just that I have no idea how lucrative the business is in Nola as opposed to other U.S. cities.
I’m wondering if I’d be better off moving somewhere with a larger population like Chicago or Boston, but it’d probably be best to get a feel for how I’d do in New Orleans first. It is the nearest large city to me and I plan on moving to a new location in the country anyway. What did the income from escorting sort of look like when you first started out? And has that income grown since?
Apologies for the length; and thanks so very much for your time! You are profoundly appreciated!
OK first of all, thanks so much for the compliments. I’m blushing ;)
One of the great things about this business is that there’s something for everyone. No matter what a client is into, if it’s a decent-sized city, they’ll probably be able to find a provider who is offering that type of experience. BBW? We got that. GFE? Yep. Porn Star experience? Check. Intimacy on a cerebral and physical level? Got it. College co-ed type? MILF? Amazon woman? Dominatrix? Bimbo fetish? Submissive? Extra-kinky? Trans girl? Latina/Black/White/East Asian/South Asian/Pacific Islander/Carribean/European/etc.? They’re all out there if you look.
And not everyone is concerned with projecting a “classy” image or coming off as “genuine.” In fact, some like their women just a tad on the “trashy” side (sorry, I had to). Lots of providers actually prefer that clients never see their “real-life” personality. And that’s cool. Not all clients are looking for that. Mine, however, usually are, and that’s why they’re drawn to me.
OK, so on to your actual questions:
When a client gives you their employer’s phone number for reference, what do you say in that call? Is it just a simple “could you direct me to [client’s name] please?” And if/when they do, then you just give a quick “thanks” and hang up? Or is there a different way you like to handle it?
Screening via Employment Verification by Phone
Ugh. I really, really hate screening via phone, and I do everything in my power to avoid it and screen via email/internet instead. Realistically, I know the receptionist isn’t going to hear my voice and immediately launch into a tirade:
“I can tell by the way you said ‘Hello, may I speak to Mr. X?’ that you are a Lady Of the Evening! How DARE you call this respectable place of business, you HUSSY!!! The founders of this company, God rest their souls, are absolutely TURNING IN THEIR GRAVES!!!!”
But, ya know. It could happen.
In all seriousness, I have a few good reasons why I prefer to screen via email. If I need to screen via phone, I have to remember to do it before the business day is over. Sometimes I’m busy all day, and then it’s 5pm. But there’s no time limit on the internet, so I can do screening stuff at 10pm, or if I suddenly wake at 3am and remember that I’ve forgotten to complete all the screening for Mr. X, I can fire up the laptop and do it right then and there. Plus, I just don’t like calling people’s workplaces and talking to the receptionist. What if I pronounce the guy’s name wrong? What if the Jehovah’s Witnesses stop by AGAIN and they ring my doorbell and my dogs start barking and I can’t shut them up? And then, by the time I finally do, I’ve forgotten the guy’s name and I have to scramble to find it while the receptionist waits on the other end of the line? Argh! So many things can go wrong. Or what if everything goes fine and then she puts my call through to Mr. X, and Mr. X and I proceed to have an awkward chat about nothing for the next 20 minutes, most of which I can’t understand because I get bad reception in my house and I have to go outside if I want to hear the person I’m talking with semi-clearly, but outside is where my neighbors are, and they’re old and always want to chat, and plus I’d rather not talk about work loudly on my front porch. See? Phone screening is a catastrophe waiting to happen!!!
I kid, I kid. Yes, I prefer email, but let’s say you gotta do it via phone, because sometimes you just do. And now that I’ve finally gotten to it, the answer to your question is pretty damn simple: When a client gives you their employer’s phone number for screening purposes, just ask the client what he would like you to say. That’s it. Maybe he’ll tell you to tell the receptionist that you’re from his dentist’s office, or his kid’s school, or that you’re Pam from Dunder-Mifflin. Or maybe it’s a direct line to his office, and you won’t have to use any kind of clever trickery beyond dialing the number he’s given you (which yes, I know, is not clever trickery, and would only be regarded as such by a time traveler from the year 1870, but whatever, the sentence is already written and that’s how it’s gonna stay).
And in my experience, nah, they don’t go this route all that often. They generally seem to prefer email communication as well. But I bet that varies a whole lot, depending on the type of client, the industry they’re in, etc.
But do you make, financially, a really good living doing escorting in New Orleans? It’s just that I have no idea how lucrative the business is in Nola as opposed to other U.S. cities.
Financials: How much money do escorts in New Orleans make?
This is a difficult question to answer, because my definition of “a really good living” may not be the same as yours. Do I make a million dollars? LOL no. But I don’t stress about money all the time like I used to, and to me, that has been so, so, so valuable. I’m able to be selective with clients, and I don’t have to meet with every client who comes my way. Then again, I don’t have children, nor do I have a fancy car to pay off, etc., so my expenses might not be as high as some other people’s.
You can ask 100 escorts from all over the New Orleans Metro Area what they think of the business here and how lucrative it is, and you’ll probably get 100 different answers. How much money you make will depend on a lot of things.
Factors that affect your earnings as an escort, especially in New Orleans:
Are you willing to maintain a private incall location? This will allow you to tap into the locals market, but it also necessitates you paying rent and bills for a second place every month. You could, of course, work out of your own home to save money, but I don’t really recommend that. And unless you live in a place that is discreet, convenient, and in a “good neighborhood” (which is really, REALLY hard to define in New Orleans), many of the local “hobbyists” will either decline to see you, or even talk shit about your neighborhood on the boards. I have several friends who have scheduled an appointment with a client, and after he was a NC/NS (No Call/No Show), they discovered that he had posted something to this effect on the local board:
“When i drove up, there was a black guy outside, and it just seemed sketchy, so I left. Watch out for this one, guys. Don’t think I’ll contact her again, and I advise you not to, either.”
The implication here is that either the provider has a “dangerous” “pimp,” or that the whole thing was a set up, and the “hobbyist” was about to get robbed. How do you think that affects her business for the next several months?
In one case, it was her fucking neighbor sitting on his own goddamn porch on a pretty day. In another, it was a group of (black) teenage boys carrying baseball bats…because they were walking a block to the baseball field where the neighborhood team plays. In another, it was a black guy walking down the street. I shit you not, the dude was minding his own business, literally WALKING DOWN THE FUCKING STREET, and this was enough to scare the little bigot off back to the ‘burbs, where he immediately hopped on the computer to “warn everyone” that that my friend had a pimp.
Are you willing to be “on call” 24/7, including last minute appointments? I turn a lot of appointments down, because I am not gonna roll out of bed at 1am, get all gussied up, and drag myself over to some drunk/coked-up/whatever guy’s hotel room. Not only would I be worried that he’d be passed out or gone by the time I got there, but I just…wouldn’t be my best “me.” Being “on call” every moment of the day would undoubtedly get you a higher total of appointments per week, but for me, it’s not worth it. I like my job, and I have no desire to stop doing it any time soon. The last thing I need is to do it in such a way that I would grow to hate it.
Are you willing to have your life revolve around this job? Are you willing to spend most of your waking hours going back and forth with potential clients, clients, time-wasters, other escorts, etc. via email, phone, text and messaging systems on several different escort/client websites, and maintaining an internet presence via social media and boards? If you can do this, by all means, enjoy your burnout.
Speaking of burnout, do you plan on taking occasional week-long or month-long breaks? If you don’t, your work may suffer in the long run. If you do, you’re passing up business.
Are you willing to participate in the review system (“hobbyist” boards), and all the political crap and drama that comes with it? Many providers use the system to their advantage–they get great reviews and lots of them, and that attracts other reviewers/hobbyists. However, a bad review from some douchebag flexing his “I’m a Very Important Person on this Very Important hobby board” muscles can really hurt you. And don’t think they don’t use that to their advantage.***
Do you fit the physical description of the typical “high earner”? Are you white, in your late-20s-to-30s, and conventionally attractive? It’s fucked up, but in general, white providers’ rates are higher than non-white providers’ rates, and conventionally attractive providers generally have higher rates than, say, BBW providers (that’s Gypsy of Chicago, by the way, and she is awesome and has TONS of info on escorting and sex work on her youtube channel). THERE ARE MANY MANY MANY EXCEPTIONS TO THIS “RULE.” It’s purely a generalization, but it’s not totally off-base. Just remember: we all set our own rates. Regardless of your “type,” don’t aim low (unless you really want to). Your time and energy is valuable, and like me, you may prefer quality over quantity.
Are you willing to travel (“tour”)? Lots of girls tour. While it looks kinda fun, and from what I understand, it’s often pretty lucrative, it also looks like a big fat risk to me. I don’t like the idea of paying a ton of money to fly to another city, pay for a nice hotel, and then wait around for clients who end up needing to cancel. Plus, traveling is a pain in the ass for me (I’d have to hire a housesitter/dogsitter, make sure my job doesn’t need me, etc.).
There are all kinds of other factors, and these are just a few of them. I know a provider who has so much business she never goes more than 3 days without a date. I know a provider who works 4-5 times a week. I know a provider who prefers multi-hour dates, and may only work once a week. I know a provider who only works when she’s in a financial bind, which might happen a few times a year, but definitely isn’t a regular thing. It really all depends on your goals and the type of clients you target.
And of course, the rules change based on the city you’re in. Would you make more money in New York City? Probably. But I have friends who work in NYC or have in the past, and their expenses sound…burdensome. As for me, I’d rather stay right here in New Orleans and work as much as I like, no more, no less ;)
***Yes, yes, yes, I understand #NotAllHobbyists do this. Most are perfectly nice people, but power-hungry, bitter people exist, and they have a right to pay for VIP membership on a website, too.
PS: Here’s a pic of my butt my friend took the other day. Real pics to come, this was just a casual snapshot :)
A reader sent a question in the other day dealing with the topic of the escort/client relationship and how to deal with any inconvenient “feelings” that may develop:
I just found your blog here and think it’s great. I’m not new and don’t easily open up to people. I’ve been seeing a provider about the same age as me very regularly for the past several months and feel like we have developed a special relationship. I would like to broach the subject of a relationship outside of her profession but don’t want to ruin a good thing and am a little scared of rejection. I’m not looking to try and “rescue” her or anything. She is a very competent woman and doesn’t need rescuing from anything. She truly enjoys her calling and I wouldn’t ask her to stop doing something she enjoys. I’ve thought about just not seeing her anymore to save myself some heartache down the road. I would appreciate your thoughts and perspective.
Signed,
Reasonable but Torn
Dear Reasonable,
So, I know how I would answer this, but of course, I can’t speak for every escort,, nor are my clients represent all clients. So, naturally, I turned to the escorts of Twitter for advice.
As you probably know (but just in case you don’t), Twitter only allows you a limited number of characters per “tweet” (post). The same goes for Twitter polls. So, I had to present a significantly abridged version of the situation in order to get my point across in such a tight space. Here’s what I hope people understood:
Question: Escorts: If a client feels he has a “special connection” with an escort close in age to him, should he attempt to pursue a romantic (non-escort/client) relationship with her?
Yes. The client should ask her out.
No. I appreciate and enjoy my clients, but that would be inappropriate and I never, ever want a client to suggest a non-professional relationship.
If he believes the feeling is mutual, then he should wait for her to initiate a romantic relationship.
Something else (please explain).
117 ladies were up to the task. Here are the results:
#Escorts! Plz help w/a client question. If u had a special connection w/a reg client your age, would u want to pursue a relationship w/ him?
Soooo that’s pretty much what I was expecting. Not a whole lot of us want our clients to pursue a non-professional relationship with us.
The Danger in Having a “Regular Escort”
I talked about this a little bit when a client wrote to me asking whether I thought it was better for clients to see a variety of providers or to stick with one “regular” escort (spoiler alert: it depends on the individual client’s needs and his reasons for going the “escort” route). That client was interested in the intimacy and connection that’s only possible when you’ve known someone for longer than a few minutes or hours, but he wasn’t interested in having an actual girlfriend–just the “Girlfriend Experience.” And, most importantly, he “(understood) the basis of the provider/client relationship.” In other words, he was committed to maintaining boundaries, respecting the relationship for what it was, and not trying to make it into something more.
As for him, well…I know him, and I know his situation, and I’m pretty sure he can be trusted not to deviate from those intentions. But anything’s possible, I guess, and that’s one of the risks of choosing the “regular escort” route instead of the “variety is the spice of blah blah blah” route. Feelings can develop. Endorphins, familiarity, sex, and oxytocin are funny things, and they can interfere with the plans we came up with back when we were thinking rationally.
A Question of Authenticity
This is a tough topic for me to discuss because these relationships are unique–every relationship is–and I don’t want to be misunderstood. I don’t know you, and I don’t know the escort you’ve been meeting with, but I’m willing to bet that the special connection you feel with her is real. The fact that these relationships involve financial compensation doesn’t make us unfeeling automatons (Automatonettes? Like a Motown girl-bot group?). Sure, there are probably some girls out there who can “fake it” pretty well, but you also mentioned that you’re a regular client of hers. Very few escorts are willing or able to maintain the illusion of a real, deep connection with someone regularly, continually, and indefinitely. It would just be too labor intensive. Either you like someone, or you don’t; either you get along and “connect,” or you don’t. If you’re only going to be in their presence for an hour and then never see them again, it’s not all that difficult to overlook a personality conflict and pretend it doesn’t exist. But if it’s someone you’re seeing regularly, without any plan to end contact? Not so much.
So, it’s a real connection. You like her, she likes you. It’s understandable that you might start considering making it “real”–less “GFE” and more “GF.”
Boundaries
And that’s why we need to be really, really clear on boundaries before we enter this little subculture, whether we’re entering as escorts or clients. A huge advantage to this type of relationship (perhaps the main advantage) is its lack of complexity. These relationships are clearly delineated and can therefore be (more) easily compartmentalized: Yes, I will be your lover, your partner, your friend–within the confines of the time we’ve agreed upon. After that we part, and you don’t have to think about, interact with, or acknowledge me. The time we spent together and the experiences we had are ours and ours alone, separate from the lives we lead on the “outside,” and therefore the intimacy we shared doesn’t pose any threat to or conflict with with your life, the people in it, and the responsibilities it entails.
And clients should respect those same boundaries for the escort(s) they meet with. She too has a life outside of the experiences she has with you–she has friends, family, responsibilities, hopes, desires, goals, problems, heartache, struggles. She may or may not have children, or a partner, or a “straight job.” Regardless, she (presumably) became an escort as a means of supporting herself, and hopefully she chose escorting because, out of the options available to her, this was the one that seemed most enjoyable and best fit her needs. Very, very few of us become escorts because we want to find someone to love. And when you offer that to her, you put her in an exceedingly awkward position of having to remind you of that.
Heartbreaking, I know. I’m sorry.
…But wait!!
If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It
So, this girl is fantastic, right? Your absolute dream woman–beautiful, sweet, affectionate, funny, always horny, and great in the sack. And the best part is, she actually *gets you* and LIKES YOU!
It sounds like you’ve got a great thing going. That’s something that not a lot of people get to enjoy, and here you are, luxuriating in that type of intimacy on the regular. So…why do you want change it?
You acknowledged this when you said you “didn’t want to ruin a good thing,” so I know it’s part of your conundrum, as is the fear of rejection you mentioned. But what if she doesn’t reject you? What if the two of you do become an item? Is that necessarily the “happier ever after” ending/beginning you imagine it to be?
The Difference Between “Girlfriend Experience” and Plain-Old “Girlfriend”
What you’re enjoying right now is probably not what you would have in a non-professional relationship. That’s not to say that this isn’t authentic–it is. But there’s a fundamental difference between “GFE” and “GF”: “As professionals (escorts, professional companions, service providers, whatever), weāre compensated not because we can do something a girlfriend could do, but because we can do something a girlfriend canāt. We provide an idealized Girlfriend Experience: the experience of having an AWESOME girlfriend who is horny and fun and interesting and respectful for the entire time youāre together. A real girlfriend canāt do that. Why? Because youāre around her for more than a few hours. No one can be awesome 24 hours a day. A real girlfriend lives with you (or spends lots of time around you) for days, weeks, months, years. Youāll have serious conflicts. Youāll have minor gripes. Grudges will be held. Disappointments will happen.”
Right now, you’re both on your best behavior, and you don’t have time to get bored, or for your flaws to get on each other’s nerves. So you leave the toilet seat up when you’re at her incall–no big deal; you’re a guy, and guys forget to do that sometimes. But once she’s your girlfriend, there may be hell to pay. Why can’t you just fucking put the toilet seat down?? We’ve been dating for five months and I crash here at least three nights a week and I am so. fucking. tired. of falling into ice-cold toilet water at 4am!!! This is like the TENTH time!! Dammit, John, you’re SO INCONSIDERATE!!!
Yes, it’s a cliche, but it’s a stand-in for all the mundane, boring, irritating conflicts that go on in an normal relationship. You’ll have to change habits to accommodate her (put the damn toilet seat down, don’t leave your underpants on her bedroom floor, quit picking your nose when you think she isn’t looking). And she’ll do things that will bother you as well (rolling her eyes when you ask if you can borrow her car, checking her phone while you’re talking to her, fucking men who aren’t you because it’s her job). And then there are the responsibilities and obligations that come with a relationship. When you share your life with someone in a partnership–or even if you’re just dating long-term-ish–you make room in your life for them. And that means shifting other things around or even letting some go. It means making more of an effort. Is it worth it? For the right person, sure. But it can still be a pain in the ass.
I don’t mean to imply that you don’t actually want what you think you want. I just want you to consider that the Sally you see for an hour or two at a time a couple times a month is not the *whole* Sally in all her complexities as a person. You’re seeing Sally, Curated. And no one can keep that up forever. She’s showing you her best traits and hiding her not-so-great ones until you’ve left. And she’s consciously shaping the relationship the two of you enjoy together: her goal is always to make you happy and satisfied. Were the two of you dating in the traditional sense, that would not always be her goal. Your needs and desires would cease to be more important than (or even as important as) hers, and she would expect much, much more from you.
However.
The Richard Gere to her Julia Roberts? If it’s meant to be…
I’m not going to say it never happens, because it does. Boy, does it. Not for me, but I know several escorts who have dated their clients, with varying results.
Look, maybe she’s just as into you as you are into her, and she’s been fantasizing about a “traditional” romantic relationship with you–heavy on honesty and commitment, free of compensation. Maybe she’s in love and she’s a wreck right now trying to figure out what that means for her, her professional relationship with you, and her professional relationships with her other clients.*
But you can’t be sure. And even if you ARE sure, you still should respect the boundaries that are an integral part of the escort/client relationship. No, I do not think you should pursue a romantic relationship with her. If you truly, truly believe that she wants that with you, then let her make the first move. In other words, leave your balls in her court, heh.
*I know you said that you’re not looking to rescue her, that she enjoys being an escort, and that you wouldn’t ask her to stop working as an escort, but once a significant other is in the picture, that can throw even the happiest hookers for a loop. I know, I’ve been there.
Where Do We Go From Here?
So, what now? You like her a lot, and you want to be around her, but keeping mum about how you feel can be torture. Do you keep scheduling appointments with a girl you have feelings for? Is that fair to you? Is it fair to her? That’s for you to decide, but ultimately, one of the following will happen:
You’re going to continue seeing her, and pine for something more.
You’re going to recognize that this situation breaks the cardinal rule of the escort/client relationship, take a step back, and maybe start seeing other escorts instead.
You’re going to be honest about your feelings, she won’t feel the same way, and she will likely stop meeting with you.
She’ll admit she has feelings for you, and the two of you will try the whole relationship thing.
(I’ve listed them according to how likely I think they are to happen).
Whichever you choose, I wish you luck.
Because I don’t pretend to speak for all escorts, here’s what other ladies had to say on the topic:
Danielle Evans (@MeetDanielleE) isn’t opposed to dating an FBSM (Full Body Sensual Massage) client, but she draws the line at an escort client:
@NOLACourtesan when I was an erotic masseuse I dated a client. We are now good friends. I don't think I could ever date an escort client
And then Melody Memoirs (@MelodysMemoirs) brought up something we haven’t really focused on–the escort’s ability to balance the unique nature of her job and her relationship:
@NOLACourtesan Depends, are you willing to either share him with other escorts, or give up your escorting career for him?
This is a continuation of my responses to the long list of questions sent to me by a young newbie. Today, I’m going to answer three questions on the topic of sexual experience (or lack thereof), and the role of a sex worker meeting with a sexually inexperienced client.
Who makes the first move? I am a shy person in intimate matters. I have done the deed once, and that was when I was not sober. I barely remember it. To me that doesnāt really count as an experience. So how do I let an escort know about my level of expertise in general?
My whole goal in finding a companion is not just for my own enjoyment but rather as a learning experience for future non-companion partners. I want to learn what makes a woman tick, how to please them and give them the pleasure that I can get. How do I let a companion know that I want to learn the ins and outs of pleasing a woman in bed? You know, from beginning to end. I am weak in the ālengthā and physique department so I need some other things in the Arsenal until I fix the physique part lol.
Many guys look at companions as their brute right and for their pleasure. But, I literally want to enjoy and learn things on a woman that you could not learn without being in a relationship. Let me know if you think my views on this is achievable and realistic. I have been scouring the Internet but itās mostly Alpha Males and theyāre Triumphs. Your blog is something I have been looking for. A chance of getting info from not a client side but by the companion side.
These are all such fantastic questions, and I really hope this is indicative of a broader trend–as in, I really hope that more young men think like he does. He has no reason to put on airs for me, as I’ll never meet with him (he lives far, far away from New Orleans and doesn’t plan to visit), and plus, he let me know at the very beginning of that email that he was only asking for help, not seeking an appointment with me. I’m gonna be pretty sad when I run out of questions form this guy…
Are you Experienced?
Who makes the first move? I am a shy person in intimate matters.
Who Makes the First Move?
I touched on this for a minute in the “How to Tell if an Escort is an Undercover Cop” post. There are a lot of misconceptions regarding what to do to avoid arrest when meeting with an escort, and I know I’ve seen (worthless) advice flying around the internet about who should make the first move. I don’t really even remember what the advice was, which is fine, because it’s bullshit anyway. You’re not going to be able to use the “entrapment” defense, so don’t bother adhering to a bunch of weird rules about who should touch whom first, or who should get undressed first, or who should take your pants off or whatever (I swear I saw something that said you (the client) should wait for the escort to take your pants off because that means she’s not a cop…or something. LOL yeah, that’s bullshit).
Here’s what I said in that post:
At the beginning of your time together, as I explained in my last post, introduce yourself, be normal and nice, make conversation, and treat this as a normal date. The monetary gift should already be in place. If she likes you, things will progress. Yes, you can āmake the movesā on her, as you might with anyone youāre on a date with, unless she has made it clear that she does not want you to. And an escort is not going to stick around if she doesnāt want you to. She will either leave, or she will ask you to leave. Hopefully youāll be graceful about it and wonāt just reach over and grab her boob and honk it or something totally ridiculous (though I think I would crack up if that happened). If youāre really feeling confused as to how to get the physical intimacy started, ask for a backrub. Or even better, ask to give her a backrub! If youāre not sure what to do next, let your hands wander a bit and ask, āIs this OK?ā Youāll probably start to undress each other at this point. WTF, Iām actually turning myself on picturing this, LOL.
So, to answer your question, it doesn’t really matter who makes the first move. If you want to, go ahead. But, since you say that you’re “a shy person in intimate matters,” then that might not be an option for you quite yet. If you’re too nervous, then chit-chat for a while, and gradually scoot over to sit closer and closer to her until she makes a move. Or maybe just rest your hand on her thigh while the two of you are talking. Or, like I said, ask for a backrub (or to give her one).
I have done the deed once, and that was when I was not sober. I barely remember it. To me that doesnāt really count as an experience. So how do I let an escort know about my level of expertise in general?
How to Tell an Escort You’re Sexually Inexperienced
No, not that type of experience….Look, different people see escorts for different reasons, and I think you’ll be happy to hear that A LOT of clients–especially the younger ones–don’t have a whole lot of notches on their bedposts. Several of my clients were virgins when we first met. I know you’ve “done the deed,” as you put it, but if you don’t remember it, then I can see why this is a really big deal for you. It’s like your first time, except this time you’ll be able to actually think straight (well, until things get going, and then maybe not so much, lol). This will be the first sexual experience you’ll remember!! And the best part is, you can be really open about that, and you can ask questions and seek guidance from someone who probably won’t pass judgment, whereas it might be difficult to admit your inexperience to someone in your social circle. That’s awesome, and I’m super excited for you.
So, the answer is: You don’t have to admit your inexperience at all if you don’t want to. So you’re not a sexpert. Big deal. Even if you’re completely awkward and clumsy in bed, you’re under no obligation to tell her why (and frankly, given your age, if she has two brain cells to rub together she’ll figure it out on her own).
But if you want to let her know that you’re a blank slate, I think that’s a terrific idea. It’ll be helpful to both her and you. She’ll be prepared for any awkwardness, and she’ll be able to guide you through the experience so that you can get the most out of it. So how do you say, “This is pretty much my first time with a girl because the only time I’ve done it, I was too drunk to remember”?
Easy: “This is pretty much my first time with a girl because the only time I’ve done it, I was too drunk to remember.”
It really is that simple. Just tell her what you told me. Or make something up. As long as it gets your point across (that she should expect some awkwardness and/or ignorance on your part), you’re ahead of the game.
The Escort as Coitus Coach
So you want to learn from an escort so that you can be a better lover when you sleep with non-escorts. I think that is so, so, so smart, and I 100% support that. Depending on the type of person you are, you can do this from the very beginning of that first meeting, or you can get a couple sexperiences under your belt before starting on your training. You can ask her for guidance that first time (“I really don’t know what I’m doing, so can you help me out? I want to learn.”). Or, you can just enjoy the experience that first time, and once that’s out the way, then you can begin your studly studies. Either way: how do you explain to her that this is your motivation for meeting with her?
Easy: “I want this to be a learning experience for future non-companion partners. I want to learn what makes a woman tick, how to please them and give them the pleasure that I can get. I want to learn the ins and outs of pleasing a woman in bed? You know, from beginning to end. Can you help me with this?”
(Those are his words, by the way.)
Or: “I really want to learn how to please a woman in bed so that I’ll be better prepared when I get a girlfriend. Do you think you can teach me some things?”
Remember that, even though she can doubtless teach you a LOT of valuable lessons, probably the most important thing to remember when you want to please your partner is COMMUNICATION. Different women like different things, so watch and listen to see if she likes what you’re doing, and if you’re not sure, ask. You’ll get better and better at this the more practice you get and the more your confidence improves.
Pleasing a Woman When You’re Lesser-Endowed
I am weak in the ālengthā and physique department so I need some other things in the Arsenal until I fix the physique part lol.
Oh honey, that is music to my ears. Some of the best lovers I’ve had were a bit on the shorter and thinner side. I can’t speak for all women, but let’s just say that the vast majority of ladies love love love to be licked. Plenty of women can only come through cunnilingus. And it’s not all that easy to find a guy who can do it well–especially not a young one. And what makes them able to do it “well”? Listening to their partner and doing what she enjoys. Learn the principles of muff-diving and a few techniques, remember to listen to your partner, and you’ll likely be golden with any girl who decides you’re boyfriend material.
Not only that, but as long as you don’t fall in love with a size queen, you cock is likely absolutely fine. An especially large penis is NOT necessary (unless, like I said, you find a “size queen”). In fact, all things being equal, many, if not most, women would prefer a lover with an “average” size penis to one with an especially large one, as the larger ones can be uncomfortable or even painful, and sometimes they make certain positions impossible.
And of course, I have to trot out the old cliche: “It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean.” It really is true. If you’re a passionate, attentive, generous lover, you’ll be A-OK.
Don’t Listen to Stupid Douchebags on the Internet
Many guys look at companions as their brute right and for their pleasure.
Those guys are gross, and I feel sorry for the women around them. It sounds like you know better than to listen to guys like that. You know that sex workers are people, and as people, we deserve respect and basic human decency.
But, I literally want to enjoy and learn things on a woman that you could not learn without being in a relationship. Let me know if you think my views on this is achievable and realistic.
I do, 100%. I’ve had clients like you. I actually had one email me not long ago to tell me that he’d found a girlfriend and they were doing the whole meeting-the-parents thing. So happy for him!!! Of course he could have done it without me, but I think I helped him with his confidence level, and confidence really is key.
I have been scouring the Internet but itās mostly Alpha Males and theyāre Triumphs.
I don’t know what a Triumph is, but I see you’ve found the delightful gentleman on the “Red Pill” subreddit and on forum.bodybuilding.com (and by “delightful gentlemen,” I mean “scarily misogynistic Eliot Rodger-types and troglodytes”)
Your blog is something I have been looking for. A chance of getting info from not a client side but by the companion side.
Awww…ladies and gentlemen, isn’t he adorable??? :)
Hello all! Just wanted to give a shout-out to a couple friends. One is an escort in Dallas, Tx, and one is a cam model on MyFreeCams.com. Both are close friends, and I know both of them In Real Life, so I’m not just shilling for some random hussies–I’m shilling for hussies I love!! So, if you’re looking for an escort in Dallas, consider my friend Savannah Grace. If you’re staying in tonight, check out (one of my most favorite people ever) AnnabellePoe on cam.
Savannah Grace in Dallas (Independent Escort)
So, my friend Savannah Grace is a new-ish escort in Dallas. I first met Savannah about a year ago when she was visiting NOLA. A mutual friend put her in touch with me so we could meet up for a drink while she was in town. Well, she ended up just staying at my place, and I’m glad she did because we got to know each other pretty quickly, and now I have an awesome friend in Dallas! Here’s her website (click the pic!):
Savannah Grace – Your Luxury Companion – Dallas, Texas
Oh…did I forget to mention that she’s super hot? Because she is, obviously. And also fun. We have a similar quirky sense of humor, but she might be just a little more…boisterous than I am. But just a little ;)
Cam Girl/Cam Model AnnabellePoe
I also wanted to tell y’all about my friend Annabelle, who recently started cam modeling. If you’re not familiar with the “cam girl” world, I encourage you to check it out; it’s fascinating (and apparently, those hot camgirls deal with a lot of the same stigma and ignorance that we escorts do). It’s basically a good old-fashioned “chat-room” (remember those??), except a hot girl is on the screen hosting it via her webcam. It’s free to watch her, but if you make an account and buy “tokens,” you can interact and join in the discussion, participate in games or activities or whatever she’s doing at the moment, tip her when she does something sexy (and Annabelle does do sexy stuff), or even ask her to do a private session, where you can either watch her alone, or you can watch each other via webcams (at least I think that’s how “privates” work–you’d have to ask her). It’s actually a lot of fun; I bought some tokens and I’ve been tipping her all week, lol. If you see someone in there with the name “iheartcostco,” yeah, that’s me, lol.
Anyway, Annabelle and I met years ago through her best friend, and we immediately started hanging out. She’s one of the most treasured people in my life–on my worst days, she can make me laugh, and she’s the perfect person to hang out and eat massive amounts of cheap candy with when your car dies in the Walgreens parking lot at night. This is Annabelle:
AnnabellePoe’s room on MyFreeCams
You can’t tell from the pic, but she has pretty much the perfect body–she’s insanely tall and lean, but with massive boobs. It’s…nice to look at, lol. So go look!
Click that pic above to visit her room. She’s actually in there right now, so if you’re reading this anytime soon, she’ll probably still be around. If not, this is her profile on MyFreeCams: AnnabellePoe on MFC, and she’s @AnnabellePoe77 on Twitter.
More, more, more! This is part…what, 4 now? of the questionssent to meby a young newbie. Today, I’m going to address a couple questions that EVERYONE asks at some point when they first decide to start dating escorts, or some might say, when they first “enter the “hobby” (I hate that term for it, but ya know…when in Rome…). Guys usually ask how they can tell if an escort is an undercover police officer, or if she’s working with law enforcement in some other capacity. Strangely enough, that’s one of the questions we (escorts) all ask when we first start in the biz. Seems like we have similar fears…
So, here’s how he phrased it:
How do I know if they are a cop? Are there certain things they say that a companion would never say?
First: How do (you) know if an escort is a cop?
The Bad News:
The answer is pretty simple: the same way you know if the guy sitting next to you at the bar is a cop. And the same way you know if the bartender is working with the police. And the same way you know if the guy in the car in front of you is an undercover cop. And the same way you know if the woman behind you in the grocery store checkout line is a police officer.
In short: you don’t. There’s no surefire test. Cops can and do say whatever they need to to get the job done, truthful or not. Asking an undercover cop “Are you a cop?” does NOT obligate them to answer truthfully (and it’s hilarious that people still think that’s true). Asking an undercover cop if something is illegal also doesn’t work.
The Entrapment Myth
The vast majority of people do not understand what “entrapment” means. It’s not a loophole for people who would be breaking the law anyway. You don’t get to prove that an undercover police officer misspoke, or lied, or misinformed you, and therefore “didn’t play fair.” The situations where “entrapment” actually applies are few and far between. Basically, they have to force or coerce you to do something illegal that you didn’t want to do and weren’t planning to do. I’m assuming the “entrapment” defense came about as a way to prevent what would essentially be wrongful arrest and false imprisonment: a scenario where we live in some dystopian society where law enforcement, out of boredom or the desire to fill jail cells or god-knows-what, is motivated to arrest and detain citizens, whether they are criminals or not. In that environment, undercover police officers could pose as burglars, break into your house, put a gun to your head, and force you to steal a shopping cart or wrestle a bear and then arrest you for doing so.
So that’s the bad news.
However…
Pictured: Not me, and hopefully not you.
The Good News:
The good news is, meeting with an escort is not illegal, nor is working as an escort. This is important: Escorts accept compensation for their time. This is not a bullshit statement to be taken lightly. Escorts do not sell sex. If you pay for an hour with an escort, she is under no obligation to engage in sexual activity with you (for that matter, no one is ever obligated to have sex with anyone else, paid or not).
We (and by “we,” I mean “the royal we”) interrupt this blog post for a brief message about sex workers’ rights and the whorearchy:
I want to make this very, very clear: I do NOT look down on people who sell sex. I do not consider escorts to be “above” street sex workers (which is what most people think of when they hear the word “prostitute”). I don’t consider myself somehow “better” than a woman who advertises certain sexual activities for money. I, along with damn near every authority on the subject (including, but not limited to: Amnesty International, the World Health Organization (WHO), the Global Alliance Against Traffic in Women (GAATW), Human Rights Watch, and sex-workers’ rights advocacy and sex-worker-led organizations all over the world) support the full decriminalization of all sex work–that is, work in the adult entertainment and services industry–as that’s the best approach where ethics, public safety, and public health are concerned. But until that happens, we should all be mindful of the distinction between what is legal and what is not, even when that distinction seems silly (hey, just add a camera, and it’s porn, which is 100% legal!).
Do escorts sleep with clients? Sure, if they want to. Consensual sex between adults is not illegal. So arrive on time, freshly showered and smelling nice, and place the envelope on the dresser (or wherever she has specified on her website). Be in a good mood, be respectful, and just be a nice person. Anything that ends up happening between two consenting adults is simply…what sometimes happens between consenting adults. ;)
Time vs. Sex
The problem here is that many, many, many people confuse selling time with selling sex. This is why you may see “escorts” (women who call themselves escorts, anyway) offering certain sexual activities for certain dollar amounts. Oh, and phrasing it as “50 ‘Roses'” or “200 ‘Kisses'” is not only cheesy; it’s pointless. Same with using acronyms and code words. Asking “How much for a BJ?” or “Do you allow MSOG?” or “Do you charge extra for Greek?” is NOT going to help you avoid arrest, dumbass. Come on. Cops aren’t stupid. Do you really think they’ll be fooled? Do you really think “BJ” is going to throw them off? Do you really think they have no idea what “Greek” means? Furthermore, the law isn’t stupid. “But officer, I didn’t offer her 160 dollars; I offered her 160 roses!” isn’t going to keep you out of jail.
So if you don’t want to be arrested, don’t do anything illegal, and don’t meet with “escorts” who are doing anything illegal.
Don’t Ask For Advice From Idiots on the Internet
There are lots of tips on the internet that are ridiculously misguided. I saw one that said “Ask her to text you a nude photo. Cops can’t do that.” The hell they can’t. Why wouldn’t they be able to? Even if they don’t have an attractive female undercover police officer willing to get naked and take a selfie, it takes like 2 minutes to find a sexy naked selfie on the internet. Also, no self-respecting (OK fine, unless she enjoys doing that) escort is going to send you nudes for free. First off, um no, what if you know our dads or something? Secondly, there are websites where we can get paid for that nowadays, lol. Same thing with inviting her over for “nude modeling.” Um, no. I’m not going to some guy’s hotel for him to take a bunch of shittily composed, badly-lit, identifying photos of me walking around naked so that he can post them all over the internet and/or use them against me. You’re going to miss out on a lot of great opportunities if you limit yourself to people who are willing to let a complete stranger have that much freedom with their images.
Are there certain things undercover police officers say that a companion would never say?
Yep: “You’re under arrest.”
Well, I guess an escort might say that if you’re both into that kind of role play…but I digress.
Ok, you have to keep reminding yourself that prostitution (the exchange of sex for money) is illegal; escorting (the exchange of time and attention for money) is not.
So, if someone offers to give you a BJ for $100? Go for it if you want, but know that you are breaking the law. If you offer someone $250 for sex and she accepts, that’s all fine and good, as long as you both know that you’re engaging in illegal activity and you’re comfortable with the risk of consequences.
Escorts who are not breaking the law will not offer you sex for money. And many of us don’t like to talk about money, first because it ruins the mood and the fantasy, and second because it can devolve into a man morphing into a crasser version of himself–the version that “thinks with the wrong head,” forgets that we are people, and starts trying to negotiate dollar amounts for activities which, as you know, is illegal.
How to Ask What Sexual Activities an Escort Does or Doesn’t Do
How do I find out about what they can or donāt do without incriminating myself or sounding like an idiot?
Why do you need to ask this before you’ve even started? Who does that? I mean, I guess some people do, but I find that really odd, if you want to be intimate with a person, as opposed to a list of activities.
At the beginning of your time together, as I explained in my last post, introduce yourself, be normal and nice, make conversation, and treat this as a normal date. The monetary gift should already be in place. If she likes you, things will progress. Yes, you can “make the moves” on her, as you might with anyone you’re on a date with, unless she has made it clear that she does not want you to. And an escort is not going to stick around if she doesn’t want you to. She will either leave, or she will ask you to leave. Hopefully you’ll be graceful about it and won’t just reach over and grab her boob and honk it or something totally ridiculous (though I think I would crack up if that happened). If you’re really feeling confused as to how to get the physical intimacy started, ask for a backrub. Or even better, ask to give her a backrub! If you’re not sure what to do next, let your hands wander a bit and ask, “Is this OK?” You’ll probably start to undress each other at this point. WTF, I’m actually turning myself on picturing this, LOL.
Ahem, anyway. Really, all I’m doing here is telling you how to initiate sex with a woman. Escorts are women. Go with the flow, checking in along the way, and ask for what you want in the moment. Communication is key.
As for not incriminating yourself: Again, don’t exchange money for sex.
As for sounding like an idiot: we all sound like idiots sometimes, so the sooner you get used to it, the better.
So I’m safe, right?
All of this being said, if the police want to arrest you, they’ll find a way. Sorry, that’s the world we live in.
Your best bet is to decrease your risk: meet with providers who are unlikely to be undercover cops, and who are unlikely to be targeted by police.
Think logically. Is an escort who has been around for a while, who maintains a presence online, who obviously cares about the image she’s presenting to potential clients, likely to be a cop? Probably not. If she were meeting with guys simply to arrest them, word would get out pretty quickly. That’s the beauty of the internet. Within an hour of being bailed out of jail, the guy would be pounding away at his keyboard, making sure everyone who would even THINK about seeing an escort knew not to meet with her.
Now, think like law enforcement. The exchange of sex for money is criminalized for no good reason (other than time-honored prudery and the power of the “moral majority”), and I’m willing to bet that the vast majority of police officers couldn’t care less what consenting adults do behind closed doors and why they do it. But they don’t write the laws; they just do the job. And, for now, stings are part of the job. “Stings” happen for a reason. Usually, the goal is one of the following:
“Clean up the streets”: Remove sex workers and their customers from the area (the area’s being gentrified, new money is coming in, and the newcomers want “those icky people” to disappear).
“Be tough on crime”: There’s an election coming up–Quick! Everybody look busy! Make some arrests!
Don’t go cruising around in your car offering people money for sex.
Don’t see escorts who seem not to consider their own safety before agreeing to meet with you (i.e., they don’t screen) (if the goal is to make arrests, law enforcement isn’t going to make it difficult for you)
Don’t meet with escorts who you think might be forced or coerced to sell sex, or who appear to be minors. As a matter of fact, I suggest meeting with women you’re damn sure aren’t minors (partly because you don’t want to risk meeting with someone too young to consent, and partly because cougars are hot).
I only have about 18 minutes to finish this blog (and then it’ll be December 18th, which is nothing special, other than the fact that it’s my best friend’s birthday, which is very relevant in my world, but not so much in yours), so I’ll make this quick:
This is real. We are your friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, and lovers–all of those, past, present, and future. Sex workers are everywhere. Worldwide.
Well, there’s the obvious: don’t assault, rape, or kill sex workers. But that’s easy, because you, Dear Reader, aren’t the type of person to do that anyway, are you?
But are you the type to laugh at “dead hooker in a trunk” jokes?
Are you the type to perpetuate the “strippers have daddy issues” trope?
Do you support the criminalization of sex work?
Do you perpetuate the harmful stigma surrounding sex work, and the media images that portray us as either sexual deviants or passive victims?
Maybe you should, in your own way–whatever that may look like for YOU–promote the idea that sex workers are people, sex work is real work, and we deserve the same basic respect that is extended to any other people doing any other work.
Even if you’ve never “met with” one of us, look around. Someone you know is a sex worker.
As you may know, Halloween is kind of a big deal here in New Orleans.Ā Costuming and general mayhem–tomfoolery, hijinx, shenanigans, and especially debauchery–isn’t just encouraged; it’s almost required, to nearly the same extent as Mardi Gras. I guess you could say it’s on par with New Year’s Eve (also a Big Deal in NOLA).
Stupid, whorephobic, and/or generally misogynistic costume ideas for Halloween:
Dead Hooker: Hurr hurr because sex workers aren’t people, and a dead hooker stuffed in the trunk of is car are an easy punchline that won’t make normal, respectable folk uncomfortable (unlike “dead kindergarten teacher/nurse. stuffed in the trunk of a car”). Hah!The “Dead Hooker” costume is an especially popular choice among women who have procrastinated for weeks and now, a few hours before the Halloween festivities start, find themselves needing something last-minute. Here’s an example. And another. (For what it’s worth, these girls seem like perfectly nice people, and this “costume” idea is so common that I don’t hold it against them. I’m only singling them out because their pics were some the first that came up when I Googled).
Geisha Girl: Oh, cool! Asian fetishismand disrespect for highly-trained sex workers? In one costume?!? Sign me up!
So authentic!!
True Story: I once went out on a date with a girl who was dressed as a Geisha for Halloween. During said date, she informed me that she had “thought about it and decided that [she] might be OK with dating someone who does what [I] do for a living.” How flattering. :\
Hmmm…decisions, decisions, right?Ā Come on, help a gal out! Give me a little direction here! I’ve posted a poll on Twitter:
Some of you might know that one of my personal goals is to never, ever stop learning (this is why I sometimes need to schedule dates around classes I’m taking, even though I’ve finished school).Ā And some of you might also know that I love local history, especially the history of the “adult professions” in New Orleans. I’ve written a bit about the era of Storyville in New Orleans.
Storyville was the red-light district of New Orleans between 1897 and 1917, and it was just across Rampart Street from the French Quarter. Of course, the “ladies of the evening” had been working in that neighborhood long before then, and its closure didn’t stop them–as Martin Behrman famously stated upon learning that the Navy had ordered the district shut down, “You can make it illegal, but you can’t make it unpopular.” Storyville is, of course, a fascinating topic, and it’s a neverending source of subject matter for a variety of stories and films set in New Orleans, both fiction and nonfiction. But it isn’t the end-all be-all, even for its time period. It’s actually just a small part of the story.
New Orleans is a diverse city, and it always has been. In Storyville, white gentlemen could visit white, black, or creole “ladies of the evening” in small rooms they’d rent called “cribs.” But Black men weren’t allowed to visit these ladies Storyville. In fact, Black men in Storyville were usually there to perform as musicians–they weren’t allowed to play, as it were, with the ladies of Storyville, but they could play for them and their clients.
So, what was a Black gentleman to do? Well, just uptown there was a neighborhood called “Black Storyville” where he could find a lady willing to spend a little time with him for a price. It wasn’t technically legal (like it was in Storyville), but officials turned a blind eye.
A sort of Mardi Gras rivalry between the ladies of Storyville and the ladies of Black Storyville developed, and the Baby Dolls tradition grew out of that.
It’s a really fun and fascinating read about a subject most people don’t know much about. Highly recommended to anyone who’s interested in learning more about the history of New Orleans, and much appreciated by me. So thank you–you know who you are ;)
Recently, on one of the local internet forums, I came across the following question from a client. Never one to pass up a conversation even tangentially related to the criminalization of sex work, I started to answer his question, but my explanation quickly grew and kind of veered off-topic. So, I decided to post it here instead.
I wonder though, that if sex work was ever legalized, if the value of your time would decrease? Just a question… As supply increases, demand lowers.
My answer:
This is a great question.Ā The short answer is “probably.”Ā But…
Here’s the long answer:
There’s a huge difference between legalization and decriminalization.Ā
Legalization
In legalization, our work is legal, but only under certain conditions determined by the state.Ā The problem with this is…well, just look at Nevada. Well, no. First, let’s look at Storyville.
God forbid we mention of the actual sex workers, whose work was the entire purpose of the district.
Storyville: The “Red Light District” Approach, Exploitation, and a Two-Tiered Legality
As much as we in New Orleans (myself included) romanticize Storyville, New Orleans’s legal red light district between the years of 1897 and 1917, legalized prostitution was similarly problematic back then. Women were only permitted to sell sexual services in one part of town. A girl could not legally, say, meet a client in her own home, negotiate a price, and accept payment for the time she spent with him. The only legal way to accept payment for her erotic labor was to pay a brothel owner/manager in Storyville for the privilege of working there, and pay grossly inflated rent prices to the building owner, who rented out “cribs” (tiny closet-like rooms for the purpose of prostitute/client meetings and transactions) to working girls by the day. Needless to say, lots of people got filthy rich between 1897 and 1917, and most of them weren’t the actual working girls.
OK, now jump forward 100 years and to the West 2,143.9 miles (according to Google Maps), and let’s talk bout Nevada. In a couple of counties, full service sex work is legal, but only in licensed brothels.Ā Workers must also go buy a license from a government office ($$, and the worker’s information becomes public, btw), and they can only work for a brothel that has permission from the state.Ā While working for the brothel, they cannot leave the premises.Ā They must also
pay for rent and meals at the brothel–you’re not allowed to get an apartment or buy your own groceries,
pay for weekly trips for STI tests at a doctor the state has chosen for that purpose,
pay for the van trips to that doctor,
allow the brothel owner to see their medical info before they can,
give up (I think) half their earnings to the brothel owner, and
rely on the brothel owner for pretty much anything they need for work, which means prices are inflated, etc.
Basically, it becomes a get-rich-quick scheme for the state, the brothel owner, the doctor and his/her staff, and everyone but the people doing the actual sexual labor.Ā Ironically, one of the justifications given for this type of system is that providers need protection from exploitation (“pimps”). So, instead of allowing a provider to work independently (advertising, screening, negotiating with and meeting clients without anyone else interfering in that process), the state requires the use of a 3rd party, who is involved in (and profits from) the transaction.
Criminalization of the Most Vulnerable, Legalization for the Privileged
And let’s not forget the fact that not everyone will be able to afford that license or all the fees required to get start working at the brothel (licensing fees, transportation costs, required brothel-owned transportation service from airport to brothel, required up-front rent, required up-front food money, etc.).Ā Nor will everyone who wants the job be hired to work in the brothel.Ā
So basically, there are a few people who can work legally, as long as they give quite a bit of their earnings to a bunch of people who don’t have much to do with the actual work being done.Ā And everyone else goes to jail if they get caught.
This is only one form of legalization, but it shows how problematic legalization can be. On the surface, it sounds great, especially to those who have no experience working in this business or meeting with escorts. Keep hookers hidden away from good, regular folks in society? Great! Force them to be tested weekly? Awesome–lord knows they’re vectors for disease otherwise! Require that they work under the supervision of a babysitter who knows what’s best for them? Fine idea! Mandate a government-issued license to fuck? Sounds logical to me! (This is sarcasm, in case you can’t tell).
In reality, there are several problems with the “legalization” type of approach. As I said before, those who are most vulnerable (poor people) will not be able to afford to work legally, and will continue to work illegally and suffer the consequences. And providers who may not be the brothel owner’s “type” for whatever reason (race, age, body size, looks) will also not be able to work legally, and will continue to work illegally and suffer the consequences. I don’t think it’s fair to set up a system that punishes poorer, or fatter, or older providers for doing the same thing their wealthier, thinner, younger counterparts are doing, nor is it an improvement on the system we already have.
In addition (and to me, this is the most important part), I think it’s flat-out wrong for the state to legislate who can fuck whom, as long as everyone is of legal age and is consenting. It is absurd to say that it’s OK and legal for consenting adults to have sex for this reason (love, horniness, the desire to get back at an ex, etc.) but not that one (the need to pay one’s rent or phone bill, the desire to buy a fancy new dress, etc.).
Decriminalization: What Sex Workers Want
Now, with decriminalization, it’s no longer illegal to trade sex for money.Ā You can pay for it.Ā You can sell it.Ā As long as both parties are of legal age and consenting, it’s your business.Ā There will still be certain regulations, of course, but no new laws need to be made, because laws covering those issues already exist. For example, most rational people would object to allowing the buying and selling of sex in a park or at the grocery store. Well, we already have laws prohibiting public nudity and public sex. The same goes for forced sexual labor–we already have laws against rape.
What most individuals working in the world of erotic services want is decriminalization, because then it ceases to be illegal for providers to do the work they do.Ā And it ceases to be illegal for our clients to…well, to be clients.* All we want is to have the right to have the same sexual encounters that everyone else is free to have without fearing arrest because someone leaves us a little monetary compensation for our time and attention.
*Please don’t confuse decriminalization with the “Nordic Model.” Advocates of the “Nordic Model” will often use the term “decriminalization,” perhaps out of ignorance, or perhaps in an attempt to obfuscate the truth–that the “Nordic Model” is almost universally opposed by sex workers themselves. The “Nordic Model” takes an “end demand” approach–sex workers are no longer criminalized, but clients are. Obviously, that’s a really shitty situation for us–would you want the purchase of your products and/or services to be criminalized? Do you think a doctor’s practice could succeed if it were illegal for patients to visit? What about financial advisers? How profitable would that business be if it were illegal to seek financial advice? What if it were legal to sell alcohol, but not to buy it? Do you think bartenders would feel “safe” and “protected,” or would they just want to go back to slinging beers to their law-abiding customers in peace? You see, we do want to right to work without fear of arrest, but we don’t want our clients to be criminalized. Not only would we have a more difficult time finding clients, but when there’s that much of an imbalance re: risk of arrest (as in, we would be taking no risk by meeting with clients, but they would be risking arrest every time they chose to visit an escort), all kinds of unexpected consequences arise. And of course, the majority of them ultimately put sex workers at risk.
The Rates Question
So, your question was whether our rates will have to drop if and when this work is legalized.Ā Legalized?Ā Well…probably not.Ā Legalization comes with all kinds of “you can do this, but…” caveats, and those caveats cost lots of money.Ā Those brothels in Nevada?Ā Those girls’ rates aren’t cheap, unless they’re desperate because they owe the brothel owner $$$.Ā Decriminalized?Ā Maybe.Ā Once there’s no fear of arrest, there will probably be more supply–more people will join the profession.Ā But remember, there will also be more demand.Ā Less people will be afraid of visiting a provider.
I have a feeling our rates would have to drop some…or at least, many of us would have to drop our rates somewhat.Ā However, that’s a small price to pay for being able to work without worrying that you’ll be arrested and lose everything you care about–your home, your day job, custody of your children, maybe even friends and family.Ā And it would almost certainly be easier to meet with clients safely because I’m betting clients would be more willing to hand over the necessary screening info if they could be sure we weren’t cops posing as providers for a sting.
Equal Power, Equal Protection
Just think about it…No one could threaten to “out” us (clients or providers) to the cops.Ā If a provider stole from you, you could go directly to the cops and report the incident without them giving you a hard time.Ā If a provider was sexually (or otherwise) assaulted by someone she met with, she could report it without worrying about being arrested for the type of work she does.
The “But Taxes!!!” Argument
People bring up taxes as justification for legalization. Many, many, many of us already report earnings and pay taxes.Ā Of course not everyone does, but that’s common in lots of service industry jobs (waiting tables, bartending, etc.) and lots of informal labor (babysitting, cleaning houses, fixing people’s computers in your home, etc.). Decriminalization would make it even easier to do that–either as a business owner (independent provider), or as an employee at an agency or brothel (depending on how it’s done, a provider could be an independent contractor or a regular old employee).Ā Imagine if doing taxes was as straightforward and easy as walking into one of those tax prep places in a strip mall and saying “I’m an escort. Here are my receipts for the year. I saw this many clients and made this much money and spent this much on advertising and supplies.” So many providers would find it a lot easier to, I dunno, be approved for a mortgage and become property owners so that they have something to show for all the work they’ve done over the years, and a real asset to hand down to their children or to cash in on when they retire. Wouldn’t that be nice?
“Sexually Deviant Fallen Women” or “Desperate, Misguided, Helpless Victims”?
For as much as society loves to either demonize us or paint us all with the “poor, helpless victim” brush, they sure don’t seem willing to do the one thing that would actually empower us–that would enable us to show that we are so, so much more.
Update as of 3/2017:
I’ve recently come across the writings of Missy Mariposa, a former independent escort-turned-legal brothel worker at Sheri’s Ranch. Her experience at Sheri’s Ranch has been overwhelmingly positive, and doesn’t resemble the restrictive and exploitative environment I imagined. I fully admit my image of brothel work was based on a couple episodes of a reality show I saw way back when, and a few descriptions I had read by workers at another legal brothel in Nevada (not Sheri’s Ranch). Missy has fully embraced brothel work, and she explains why in this post: Why I hung up my heels as an independent and embrace the brothel. Color me enlightened!
OK, I normally don’t show this side of myself here on my blog, but I think it would be disingenuous not to right now, given the recent (August 11th) announcement by Amnesty International that they now officially support decriminalization of all forms of sex work worldwide.Ā They’ve been discussing this for a while now, much to the chagrin of prostitution prohibitionist groups and the celebrities they’ve convinced to support them (under the guise of the “anti trafficking” cause).
Sidenote:Ā the term “sex worker” refers to anyone who works in the sex industry:Ā escorts and courtesans, exotic dancers, cam performers, porn actors/actresses, full service providers, professional companions, pro-dommes, street workers, sensual massage providers, phone sex operators, etc.Ā The term does not apply to people in the business who do not provide the actual services (strip club managers, porn producers, escort agency owners/managers, etc.).
Feminists?
As a sex worker and an activist, I often run into prohibitionists who are absolutely married to the idea that no woman would ever choose to engage in full service sex work, and that any woman who does engage in it is being exploited by a man–be it her “pimp” or her “john” (yes, they use those words, even though those words aren’t really in widespread use among sex workers themselves).Ā They see sex work as inherently exploitative to women, and they see women as victims in need of rescue.Ā I refuse to call these people feminists–anyone who insists on infantilizing women and denying them agency is not a feminist.Ā Anyone who refuses to help women by working to secure labor rights for all workers is not a feminist.Ā Anyone who advocates police brutality against and confinement of poverty-stricken women so that they can be “reeducated” and “rehabilitated” into sweatshop workers is. not. a. fucking. feminist.
“But what about the men?”
“But wait,” you say.Ā “What about male sex workers?Ā Are they being exploited, too?Ā And for that matter, what about trans girls (‘TS’ in the biz, or ‘T-girls’)?”
I can answer that in one (sort-of) word:Ā LOL.
Prohibitionists prefer to ignore the fact that men are also sex workers.Ā It doesn’t fit their neat, clean predator/victim paradigm.Ā As for trans women, well…most anti-prostitution prohibitionists don’t consider them women at all.Ā I’m not sure they even know that trans guys exist.
In their world, there are three kinds of people:
heterosexual, male-assigned-at-birth men
basically asexual female-assigned-at-birth women
“enlightened” prostitution prohibitionists, er, “anti-trafficking activists”
Oh yeah, and then there’s us.Ā By “us” I mean the people who support sex workers rights, and the rights of all adults to have consensual sex–to share our bodies in one of the most basic, personal, human ways available to us.Ā This is a basic human right that people of all stripes have been fighting for for years (even in the US, there are states that still have anti-sodomy laws on the books!), and anyone with any sense of logic and/or justice supports that right…except for when it comes to women and the exchange of money, because it’s just plain easier to see the fairer sex as weak, naive, innocent, and pure than to acknowledge that adult women are sexual beings with agency and ideas, desires, needs, and goals independent of men.
The “Pimp Lobby”
And you know what the prohibitionists call us? The “Pimp Lobby.” Because they refuse to believe that we are speaking our minds, or that female providers would actually–gasp!–defend the rights of adults to engage in consensual sex, regardless of the reason. They actually believe that we are “lobbyists” for “pimps.” They believe “pimps” control us sexually, financially, and ideologically. They believe that we are paid or coerced by men to pretend we have chosen this work. I’m not sure how they explain all the research (with sound methodology even!) that points to full decriminalization being the best approach, but I guess denial is a powerful thing. Powerful enough to convince prohibitionists to ignore evidence and soldier on with their mission to force a moralistic view that results in harm to real people.
…Or maybe they don’t really believe it.Ā Maybe that’s just their way of convincing people to ignore us. Maybe that’s their way of persuading the public to completely disregard what is said by the people actually doing this type of labor–the very people these prohibitionists spend time and energy ostensibly trying to “protect”–since we don’t, in fact, want or need what they say we do.Ā Pretty sinister.
So yes, you could say I’ve got a lot of pent-up anger for these people.Ā Especially since they refuse to listen to sex workers who speak out, and instead insist that our voices don’t count because we’re the privileged ones, the exceptions to the rule of poor imprisoned girls who are raped multiple times a day for their pimp’s profit.Ā Nevermind the illogical nature of this claim (Where are these millions of imprisoned girls?Ā Why are they never found?Ā And are there really that many men willing to pay to rape a woman?Ā As far as I know, the vast majority of rapists just rape–they’re not going to pay another man for something they can do for free.).
“I’m not a sex worker, but I played one in a movie once…”
Anyway, so on an article about all the Hollywood celebrities (some of whom played prostitutes in movies!Ā So, ya know, they know all about the reality of sex work) who signed an open letter penned by CATW International urging Amnesty International not to adopt any policy that supports the full decriminalization of the sex industry, one particularly stubborn person in the comments section posted a link to a document titled “Prostitution Statistics,” referring to it as “cold, hard facts” (good lord, please take a research methods course, stat):
(Update: As of December 2016, the University of Hawaii has removed that document from their website. It appears that happened sometime within the last year–I don’t want to flatter myself, but I kinda hope someone on their web admin team noticed the sudden uptick in links to that page, which appeared to be nothing more than some undergrad’s improperly-sourced, slapped-together assignment. Too bad they didn’t do that before it was cited as a legitimate source by various nonprofits all over the internet. Still, if you’re interested, here’s an archived copy of it via the Wayback Machine.)
I couldn’t help myself.Ā I went on a rant and couldn’t stop, and it became a rant to every and any of these people I’ve encountered or will encounter EVER.Ā And here it is:
Oh, honey…those are not āfacts,ā much less cold, hard ones.
Iām sorry, this is going to sound incredibly condescending, but whatās your education level? Because no one who knows a damn thing about research would post that link in an attempt to gain footing in an argument. That looks like an undergradās report on prostitution, sourced entirely from hooker rescue projects and modern āwhite slaveryā hysteria. How the hell would they even come up with āMost prostitutes have been victimized, at some point in their lives, by sexual violence. More than 90% suffered childhood sexual abuse…ā What? And really, why would that be the focus of anyoneās research? What would that accomplish? How would that help anyone? Sex workers donāt need to justify their reasons for engaging in consensual sex; their government needs to justify its reasons for criminalizing consensual sex between adults.
And this: āAt least 2/3 of prostitutes began working in prostitution before the age of 16ā has been thoroughly debunked. The origins of that (and other similar āstatsā youāll hear, like āThe average age of entry into prostitution is between 12 and 14ā) are hard to track down, but as far as we can tell, they originate from a survey done in the early 80s with a very small sample size of participants taken exclusively from a program that worked with minors who had exchanged money for sexual services. As in, everyone participating in the survey was under 18, because thatās who the program/facility was there to serve. And then they averaged those numbers, claimed they were representative of the experiences of sex workers in general, or someone else misunderstood them. So the highest possible age of entry would be 17. Of course the average would be low. They never asked any adult sex workers their age of entry. And the media, law enforcement, advocacy groups, and people like you have been running with that number for 30 fucking years.
What you donāt understand is that your view of sex workers shows a fundamental disrespect for women. When someoneās oppressed, you donāt help them by infantilizing them; you help them by arming them with rights, and by supporting them in their fight for those rights. You donāt want people to be exploited for their labor? You support them in their fight for labor rights, fair pay, legal protection, etc. I said it before, but maybe you didnāt catch it: no one gives a shit about all the human trafficking going on in agriculture, fishing, construction, and hotel housekeeping companies, but letās say they did. You donāt want women slaving away, cleaning hundreds of toilets for 18 hours a day, while their boss holds their papers and their paychecks, all to pay some ādebtā to a ājob recruiterā? Letās talk about immigration policy. Letās talk about fair wages and labor laws. Thatās what weāre talking about, after all: exploiting sex workers for their sexual labor. You donāt want women to have to have sex with men they donāt want to have sex with and then be forced to hand over their earnings to an abusive āpimpā? Fine. Decriminalize their work so that they donāt need āprotectionā (in the form of an abusive man who makes them work all day and takes their money) from police. And decriminalize their clients so they donāt need āprotectionā from, say, a man who can rest assured his victim wonāt go to police to report him, and even if she did, she wouldnāt know his name, anyway. When your work and your clients arenāt criminalized, you can easily āscreenā your clients before meeting with themāyour client wonāt be afraid to disclose identifying info because heās not afraid of being arrested for meeting with you. You can also employ a bodyguard or driver without your client freaking out and thinking youāve brought some dude there to kick his ass and rob him (because, when you and your client are not committing a criminal act, you can assume that both of you are law-abiding citizens, especially if youāve screened him in advance), and without you AND said bodyguard/driver fearing that cops will mistake him for a āpimp.ā
I understand youāre fighting what you think is the good fight. Apparently, at some point in your life, you joined up with some rescue project and did some āworkā that seemed incredibly important and life-affirming to you at the time. I donāt want to take that away from youāfor all I know, you helped some people. But if you care about justice in the world, you will continue to educate yourself about the issues you claim to care about, no matter how much it hurts to find out youāre wrong. Decrim is the safest thing for all of us. Not just me (or other women you dismiss as ātoo privilegedā to know anything about the business weāve worked in for years). For ALL of us.
There is no dichotomy of āhappy hookerā and āsex slave forced to endure rape for someone elseās profit.ā This topic is incredibly complex and nuanced. No, not everyone enjoys sex work. No, not everyone finds it empowering. No, not everyone would choose something else were it available (I wouldnāt). Yes, some of us were sexually abused as children (as were many teachers, lawyers, home makers, doctors, social workers, etc…). Yes, some of us started very young (though most of us start when weāre in our 30s or 40s). The point is that it doesnāt matter what our individual situations are, criminalization hurts ALL of us. And yes, that includes the Nordic model.
I get where youāre coming from, though. When I first started working, I heard about the Nordic model, and honestly, I thought it sounded pretty damn good. I hadnāt been working long enough to understand how the business really works, and I sure as hell hadnāt discovered the sex workersā rights movement. I was still indoctrinated with the media images and the statistics gleaned from sloppy, often unethical research. I didnāt have a āpimp,ā and I didn’t know anyone who did, but I still assumed that the vast majority of sex workers were being forced to fuck dozens of men a day while some evil bastard kept their money and beat them for fun. So yeah, the Nordic model sounded awesome. Put those evil, money-grubbing fuckers in jail!
While I didn’t have a “pimp,” when I first started escorting, I did have a “manager.” He was the guy who answered the phone and directed clients to one of the 10 or 15 girls at the agency. We set our own prices, and we spent as many hours as we wanted with each client. We sent him $100 for each client he referred to us. I didnāt even meet him in person until maybe 3 months after I started working for him, and by then I was already preparing to strike out on my own as an independent.
Did you catch the fact that my manager would have counted as one of those “evil, money-grubbing fuckers” I imagined getting their due via the Nordic Model? I didn’t. Did you catch that I was, if you go by the definition of the loudest voices in this conversation, a ātrafficking victimā? I didn’t catch that, either. I would NEVER claim to be one, but by THEIR definitionāone of the many absurd ways prostitution prohibitionists define ātraffickedāāI was a trafficking victim. They count all third parties as traffickers. If you are a sex worker helping to support your unemployed/unemployable/just f-in broke partner, non-minor child, or other adult family member who lives with you, that person can be considered a trafficker. If you are a migrant worker who voluntarily crosses borders to work independently, you are counted as a trafficking victim.
Soon after that, I realized how wrong I was. But I admit I had a weird, visceral reaction to letting go of my āJail the pimps!! Go after them!ā position. I sort of wanted to cling to it. I donāt know why. Did I enjoy the boogeyman simplicity? Maybe. Or was I just trying to avoid the feeling of finding out Iād been had? Iām not sure. But I guess thatās what happens when you learn more about a subject, and you realize that the facts contradict what youāve always thought to be trueāwhat sources youāve trusted have always told you was true.
And the longer Iāve been in the biz, and the longer Iāve been an activist for sex workersā rights, the more Iāve learned. Thereās tons of data. Thereās a reason Amnesty International, the World Health Organization and the Global Alliance Against Traffic in Women support us. And honestly, if you were to work in this business, youād understand that common sense supports us.
The truth is, this is a very, very old problem steeped in racism and xenophobia. In the 1910s they referred to it as White Slavery (see the Mann Act), and now itās sex trafficking. Nevermind the fact that there are more than enough willing sex workers that thereās really no need to force women into it (I hate talking about supply and demand, because itās so much more complex than that, but in the simplest of terms, the supply already meets the demand. Trust me, usually people are whining about how they arenāt getting enough business). And nevermind the fact that, even if supply didnāt meet demand, people donāt want to pay to have sex with someone who doesnāt want to have sex with them. Rapists donāt pay to rape people; rapists just rape. But we cling to this idea that there are zillions of women all over the world being kidnapped, drugged, and forced into prostitution while men profit. Why, even though the numbers (upon inspection, and not just taken at face value) show us that this isnāt true? Well, because a lot of people have a vested interest in keeping this moral panic alive. Follow the money: it usually leads to those pushing an agenda centered on female āpurity,ā or those who are directly profiting, i.e., the rescue industry (Hey there, Somaly Mam!).
Please, please just stop talking about this until youāve taken the time to listen to sex workers all over the world (Even in Eastern Europe and SE Asia!). Because you know the way you feel about your perspective? Like itās a desperate situation and you have to fight, fight, fight for those who are in danger, are suffering injustices, and have far less privilege than you do? Yeah, thatās how I feel, too. Except people listen to you, and Iām the one who will have to deal with the consequences. They hurt me, they hurt my friends, and they hurt people all over the world every day. Youāll be able to walk away thinking you accomplished something, score 1 for the good guys, etc., and youāll never have to look back, and youāll never have to fully comprehend the mess youāve made. And youāll leave us to clean up, and then youāll wonder why weāre so fucking angry with you.
And hereās more on āsupplyā and ādemand,ā in case it interests you. Hereās one on myths about sex trafficking and sex work (mostly about the Olympics, the World Cup, the Superbowl, and other major sports events being huge attractions for sex traffickers, etc., but thereās a lot of other good stuff in there, too) I found pretty fascinating too when I first got started on my mission to kick ass and take names until hookers all over the world are free to hook safely.
Did y’all know that March 3rd is International Sex Workers’ Rights Day?!
In case you don’t know what the term “sex worker” means, here’s a non-exhaustive list from SWOP-NOLA, the New Orleans chapter of Sex Workers’ Outreach Project:
“Escorts, Professional Companions, Service Providers, Strippers, Exotic Dancers, FBSM / Erotic and Sensual Massage Practitioners, Pro-Dommes, Fetish Professionals, Cam Models, and Adult Entertainers of all types, genders, races, and sexualities”
If you know me well (or if you’re cool and like-minded and it happened to come up in conversation when we met), you know that I am a committed supporter of this cause.
Here’s a brief timeline of some of the major events of the sex workers’ rights movement from NSWP (Global Network of Sex Work Projects):
Hey all! Happy New Year! Hope 2015 is treating y’all well. It’s brought some huge changes for little ol’ me. Some of you know what I’m talking about; some of you don’t. Don’t worry, I’m fine and nothing terrible has happened. It’s ultimately a good (actually, awesome and amazing) thing, but it’s going to be to be an exciting, hectic, difficult, and scary few months…wish me luck?
Anyway, let’s get to the topic at hand. I was going through my email inbox (which I’m pitifully behind on, by the way…sorry, y’all), and I discovered a message I hadn’t previously noticed. I feel pretty bad for answering it so late, but better late than never, right?
…You know, I should really do an advice column. I get so many emails from curious readers, and I genuinely do enjoy answering them (when I have the time). Maybe that should be one of my new projects for 2015?
Here’s the email (sensitive details removed):
I’ve just read your three part blog series concerning the various reference methods you employ for clients. Very informative and helpful I might add. My situation is a bit unique and I wanted to get your take for my best course of action.
Specifically, I’m a newbie with no references to speak of. I am also (**insert profession or organization here**) holding an extremely sensitive position. With that being said, I am very hesitant about providing anything work related, to even include my email address […] Same goes for the data verification websites, as from what I gather, require the same work related information.
So therein lies my quandary; how do I prove that I’m a respectable and trustworthy person, while at the same time protect my work identity? Is there a way to do so without providing work information, or providing it, but without a digital breadcrumb trail? Or am I screwed in the sense that I will never be able to enjoy the company of a professional companion due to my unique circumstances? Just wanted to get your perspective and recommendation on this, as I know you’re very experienced and knowledgeable in this area.
Lastly, I want to close by saying that I completely understand the thoroughness of the verification process. To be honest with you, when searching for my first potential provider, I avoid those who don’t utilize such a process.
I’m fully aware you’re a very busy woman but any recommendation no matter how long or short would very much be appreciated.
Thanks,
-John
Well then, “John,” here’s my answer:
First of all, I’m glad to hear that, in your search for a professional companion, you’re considering her screening requirements a requirement of your own. That’s smart. And I can’t really vouch for what the screening sites (like P411, or the ever-terrible and most certainly NOT recommended Date-Check) require, as I’ve never been a client applying for membership to those sites. But to answer your question…
Honestly, your situation is gonna be difficult. It will require extra effort and/or money on your part.
Here are the options I can think of (and that I’ve used in the past):
You could offer to meet the lady in a public place for an in-person screening. This would require you both to show up at a public place (think coffee shop, bookstore, etc.), and for you to bring your ID and enough cash to cover her hourly rate (in a gift bag or a birthday card–you’ll be in public, so don’t just had her a wad of bills, obviously). Sit down for a bit, talk with her, and show her your ID. She can look at your ID, look at you, and verify that it’s legit. Then, you can part ways, and she can go home and do her research to make sure you’re not some kind of crazy predator. She can then contact you and schedule a date.
This method sounds extreme, I know. But you have to account for the fact that it’s rather extreme to expect a woman to meet alone with a man she knows literally nothing about–a man who refuses to provide her with any identifying information about himself. Honestly, when a man refuses to tell me who he is, but he wants me to meet with him alone, I think “What’s he trying to hide?”
Perhaps there are girls who, upon meeting up with you, would feel comfortable enough to proceed with a date immediately (before returning home to research you and verify that you’re not a predator), but you shouldn’t go into the meeting expecting that.
I used this method once with a client who was involved in politics. It worked well for us.
You could go to the source: ask the lady youāre interested in meeting with what you can do to make her comfortable meeting with you. You donāt have to agree to whatever she suggests, of course. But you should listen respectfully before you accept or decline her offer. Remember that the objective here is for her to ensure her own safety. After all, if she feels sheās wandered into a potentially dangerous situation, the date wonāt be enjoyable for either of you.
Set up a fake email account and “persona.” Join a message board like TER or ECCIE. Start contacting providers that way. There may be a provider on there who is (unfortunately) lax about screening. See her. Be nice, be generous, have fun. Hope that her recommendation carries weight with other providers. Hope that, when you use her as a reference and another provider contacts her to make sure you’re cool, she actually responds in a timely manner with a message that says “yes, John’s a safe, fun, great guy.” Hope that the girl trusts her and meets with you. See her. Be nice, be generous, have fun. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Build up a list of references that way.
There are problems with this option.
First, you’ll have to set up a profile on a “hobby board.” If you’re afraid of leaving evidence of your newfound entertainment options/leisure activities, this is pretty much the worst thing a snooping partner/boss/child could find. Seriously. Some of the people on those boards are pretty vile, and no one’s beating around the bush (pun intended) as far as subject matter.
Secondly, you should know that many, many girls do not see guys based solely on references. The reference system requires us to trust each other. We’re basically on the honor system, and we’re relying on each other to be honest, charitable, and timely.
That sounds easy enough, but you have to understand that, if Suzie emails Nancy to ask if Dick is an OK guy, Nancy has to stop what she’s doing, figure out who Dick is, try to remember if he was cool or not, and then compose an email vouching for him.
The only person who receives an immediate benefit from the exchange is Suzie, who, presumably, now feels safe enough to meet Dick for an hour and leave a few hundred bucks richer. Yay, Suzie! Yay, Dick!!
But what about Nancy?
Nancy has lost anywhere from 2 to 20 minutes of her time (depending on how good her memory is, whether she has a smartphone with internet access, how fast/accurate she can type, etc.). And what has Nancy won? A warm, fuzzy feeling in her heart, because she knows she helped another provider do two things: 1) make an informed decision, and 2) pay her rent.
But not everyone is motivated by a sense of decency/ethics/responsibility/warm, fuzzy feelings.
Some people are lazy. They’ll say, “What’s in it for me?” And they won’t bother answering.
Some will say, “I sincerely don’t remember Dick, sorry.”
And unfortunately, some will say, “Why is Dick trying to schedule a date with the competition? I should call him and offer him a $50 discount to meet with me instead.”
Still others will say, “Oh, I’d better answer that email…oh shit! Darling Offspring, is that peanut butter? Dammit, don’t paint the dog with peanut butter!” And then she’ll spend the next hour cleaning peanut butter out of the hair, ears, and nose of both her child and her dog, and she’ll forget she ever read that email reference request.
So, it’s an imperfect system. Ideally, we all cooperate for the good of the group–an extended community of sex workers whose work can be quite dangerous (due to criminalization and cultural stigma) if we don’t work together to ensure each individual’s safety. But the world is full of real people, not ideal cogs in an ideal machine. And some real people are real assholes.
(Preface: Sometimes I get carried away. If you’re in a rush, you don’t want to hear about my love of 3-legged dogs and my hatred of mayonnaise, and you just want to be reassured that we’re not performing weird witchcraft rituals with your info or selling it to spammers for .0000000001 cent, scroll on down. I assure you, I DO have a point…)
The US is falling behind, y’all. And by “falling behind,” I mean “is stuck in the freakin’ Dark Ages.” I’m not talking about education, or healthcare, or poverty, or any of the usual suspects. I’m talking about the laws that affect sex workers.
Just the other day I learned that a reporter for the New York Times is doing a story on how sex workers in New Orleans have been affected by Louisiana laws. I immediately thought of the SCAN law (in which a sex worker could end up on the sex offender registry for life for merely offering to engage in any sexual act other than vaginal sex, which were considered “crimes against nature”) ruled unconstitutional a couple years back. That’s progress.
BUT…we’ve got a long, long way to go. For instance, this law would give police more freedom to “hassle” women who they suspect are soliciting. And what might cause police to “suspect” a woman might be soliciting? Basically, loitering…while being a woman…with other women around. Yes, that’s exactly what cops need–more license to “hassle,” intimidate, and threaten women.
And, unfortunately, I doubt it will stop here. In an effort to appear “tough on crime,” politicians will introduce more and more laws that go after easy targets–poor women in poor neighborhoods who find their clients in public, on the streets. It’s so difficult to work on violent crime. But it sure is easy to go after street hookers.
And what’s the intended result? I can only assume it’s an image thing. It sure as hell doesn’t really help anyone involved. I’m eager to read the New York Times article when it’s published, but I’ve got a pretty good idea how sex workers in New Orleans have been affected by Louisiana laws: I’m betting many, many lives have been shattered–clients’ lives included–all because, for some reason, consensual sex is only OK if one person isn’t helping the other person pay her rent. Unless they’re married. Or in a relationship. Hey…but doesn’t that make relationships…oh, nevermind.
Anyway, people talk a lot about legalization, but I find the regulation of sex between consenting adults fundamentally flawed. Therefore, I lean more toward decriminalization, or something close to it. But anything’s better than giving police the right to “hassle” women they think look like sex workers. And in most of the developed world, there IS something better. For example, in Australia, the laws vary across the states, with some states having a “legalize and regulate” approach, and some having something a bit closer to decriminalization, with certain stipulations. But there’s no blanket law that criminalizes people for consensual sex in exchange for gifts, money, car rides (yes, that’s in the bill that’s going to Jindal’s office), or what-have-you.
In some of the western states in Australia, sex work isn’t regulated, other than the fact that brothels are illegal. I’m assuming this is because trafficking and exploitation, if it’s going to happen, is more likely to happen in a brothel, where the trafficked persons might be forbidden from leaving the property. That makes sense. In some of the eastern states, the laws are a bit different. For instance, in the state of New South Wales, sex work is legal and regulated. A client can visit a legal brothel (google it–there are quite a few!), call a legal escort agency, or contact the legal independent escort of his choice–and he can do so with confidence.
Why? Because it’s not some shady process of navigating the mysterious system of an underground subculture cloaked in secrecy so as to avoid attention from LE.
And, of course, this makes it easier for the sex workers themselves. An escort doesn’t have to worry about her life being thrown into tumult because a cop decides to “hassle” her while she’s trying to find clients. She can just show up at her workplace (the brothel), or check in with the manager of her agency, or advertise on the internet, and go from there. Since it’s legal, both client and escort are free meet with confidence that, should one or the other decide to try something shady, the victim doesn’t have to be afraid to seek legal/police protection. Doesn’t that make the whole process easier and safer for sex workers and clients alike??
And isn’t safety our main concern? We’re not talking about a violent crime here. We’re not talking about theft. We’re talking about legislating morality, and our insistence on doing so leads to violence, theft, and the destruction of people’s lives.
So let’s take a step in the direction of the rest of the civilized world, shall we?
I’d just like to take this opportunity to recommend a friend of mine, Veronica Rose in New Orleans. She’s a highly reviewed provider, and she’s lots of fun. I met her in March of last year at a picnic here in New Orleans to celebrate International Sex Workers’ Rights Day 2013, and we’ve been friends and dog-walking buddies ever since. We have different styles, interests, and personalities, but there are a few traits we share:
We’re both hilarious.
We both love animals. Dogs, especially. Preferably big ones.
We’re both on the shorter/more petite side. (I’m 5’4″ and she’s 5’1″, which makes me feel super tall when we hang out!)
We’re both pretty damn sexy.
We both LOVE our jobs and the people we get to meet through our work. ;)
She’s super outgoing and fun (and yes, I can vouch for the fact that her pics are accurate and current. I just saw her on Lundi Gras, and I doubt she’s changed much in 8 days). Anyway, if you get a chance, check out her website, and if she sounds like the type of girl you’d like to spend a few hours with, you should give her a call (or shoot her an email, whatever).
As for me? I have a dinner date with her tonight (calm down guys–I mean we’re actually eating dinner at a restaurant. This isn’t a euphemism for some kind of sexy pillow-fight-cunnilingus party, though I can’t blame a guy for fantasizing…). But I get to hang out with her for free. ;)
So you want to learn from an escort so that you can be a better lover when you sleep with non-escorts. I think that is so, so, so smart, and I 100% support that. Depending on the type of person you are, you can do this from the very beginning of that first meeting, or you can get a couple sexperiences under your belt before starting on your training. You can ask her for guidance that first time (“I really don’t know what I’m doing, so can you help me out? I want to learn.”). Or, you can just enjoy the experience that first time, and once that’s out the way, then you can begin your studly studies. Either way: how do you explain to her that this is your motivation for meeting with her? 
