A while back, SimplySxy contacted me and asked me to write a piece on foreplay for them. Since I was already procrastinating on writing like 5 other things AND I hadn’t completed anything on my To-Do list (which was filled with weeks-overdue tasks), I figured, “What the hell, this is the perfect time to to write about sex.” So, I did. Here’s a taste:
Good sex can include a multitude of various activities: cunnilingus, fellatio, fingering, mutual masturbation, anal play, kissing, massage, breast worship, etc. And those activities don’t always happen before intercourse. Haven’t you ever stopped to change positions from, say, doggystyle to missionary, and upon glimpsing a flash of pussy, decided that instead you’d like to go down for a bit? Let’s stop thinking of sex as something formulaic and instead appreciate the spontaneous nature of it.
That said, there are reasons that people often do “other things” before the initial penetration…
Update: As of 2/19/17, I don’t know what’s going on with this site. I know the name of the site has been changed to “bluejello.co”, but I’m not sure why. Check it out, but don’t judge me if you find it lacking; I wrote this review/recommendation when it was in its nascency.
Sometimes I tend to ramble, so here’s the short version: TrustedFling (now bluejello.co) is a new client screening site for escorts, and a new, simpler way for clients to screen out unsafe/unsavory providers without reviews.
I really like the idea behind this site, and I’d love to see it take off. Consider this your official invite:
And of course you know that, for my safety and peace of mind, I require screening of all new clients, and I encourage other providers to screen thoroughly as well. I accept P411 as part of my screening process, and I think it’s an excellent tool when it’s used as it was intended to be. Preferred411 is perhaps the most popular screening site around, at least for my neck of the woods. But that’s not saying much because there are only two that are really used around here: Preferred411 and Date-Check. And some of you might have heard me express my frustration with Date-Check.
Recently I stumbled upon a new site, TrustedFling, and though it’s just starting out, I think it’s on the right track and has a lot of potential. Let me explain:
I have no problem with clients letting each other know that I’m safe and reputable (and sexy and awesome). But my client lamented the fact that most of the sites for escort reviews won’t allow non-explicit reviews. If you don’t include graphic details and descriptions in your review of a provider, they won’t publish it on the site. So basically, it’s: “Either write erotic nonfiction about your time with Annie, or don’t write about her at all.”
I went on to explain that there are lots of girls who don’t want clients to post explicit reviews of their time together, and there are a lot of clients who don’t want to take the time and energy out to write reviews. However, everyone wants to be safe, and no one wants to be cheated. That’s why escorts prefer to meet with clients who have been vetted, and clients prefer to meet with escorts for whom other guys can vouch. But:
when you add the number of escorts that don’t want explicit reviews on the internet (which effectively excludes them from the review system altogether) to the number of guys who don’t want to write porn in their spare time (or porn-tastic descriptions of intimate time spent with a lovely, intelligent, entertaining, funny, enchanting vixen-for-hire ::wink wink::), you get a pretty big number of reviews that aren’t being written. Reviews that could be providing relevant information to hesitant clients.
Then I suggested a few yes/no questions that a client could answer about the escort he’s met with–questions that would simply reassure other interested gents that yes, this girl is legit, safe, and recommended. It would take maybe 30 seconds to fill out, and there would be no graphic descriptions of specifics involved. Great idea, no?
Of course this wouldn’t replace the current review system; it would simply supplement it. Anyone who enjoys writing or reading reviews would still be able to do that on the sites we already have available (ECCIE, TER, etc.). But this would be another option–one that review writers and readers could use in addition to the current system, and that those who aren’t fans of reviews could use instead.
And that’s where TrustedFling comes in. It’s the first site I’ve seen that resembles what I’m talking about.
How it Works
Well, to be honest, it’s still a little clunky. I found a description, but for some reason I can’t link to it (the link leads to the wrong place on the page), so I’ll have to copy/paste:
The Safety Reference System: Safety References are positive or negative references given by providers to clients and clients to providers. A Positive Reference indicates that the refer-er considers the refer-ee to be a safe person who is not a danger to the community. A Negative Reference indicates the opposite. You can view or give references by clicking the blue “View” or “Rate” buttons on a user’s profile page.
When you receive a positive reference from another user, it only becomes visible and active after you return a reference (positive or negative) back to the sender. The website will send you a private message reminding you to check your safety references and return any that are pending a reply, and you will see any pending references highlighted in your own safety reference screen. The same applies to a positive reference that you send to another user – your reference will not be visible on their profile until they send you a reference in return. Negative references work differently – they are visible immediately in the recipient’s safety list, to protect the community from harmful people.
It seems pretty cool, and even though it’s still in its nascent stages, I decided to give it a try. Unfortunately, it won’t take off until it reaches a critical mass of providers and clients using it, so we’ll see how it goes. I do know that the owner of the site seems pretty cool, and is open to suggestions. He’s also offering free $50 Amazon Gift Cards just for referring people to the site. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go get one of those…
Oh! And providers of all genders are welcome, as are providers of services other than escorting (BDSM, Sensual Massage, etc.).
Annie this a recent praise email. Put it in your blog if you want. Thank you Annie for a great date today . While I do not need the down and dirty parts of reviews on Exccie or TER, I am still reluctant to meet someone without recent reviews. I do like an intelectual escort and you are that. In addition to a great brain, you have a sexy, talented, educated body.
Forgot to put in praise that I am glad that I didn’t let lack of of recent reviews deter me.
He said he was at first hesitant to contact me because I don’t have reviews (but he was glad he did, I promise!). I do have a “discreet reviews only” policy–I have no problem with clients letting each other know that I’m safe and reputable (and sexy and awesome). But my client lamented the fact that most of the review sites won’t allow non-explicit reviews. If you don’t include graphic details and descriptions, they won’t publish it on the site. So basically, it’s: “Either write erotic nonfiction about your time with Annie, or don’t write about her at all.”
The review sites state that their purpose is to provide clients with information about providers that will help them to make informed choices when scheduling a date with an escort they’ve never met with before. However, a lot of us really don’t want graphic details flying around on the internet about what we have and haven’t done with our clients. We all have our reasons, and I can’t speak for everyone. Personally, I don’t allow graphic reviews because:
I pride myself on my ability to be discreet before, during, and after meeting with a client.
I do not believe it’s wise, from a legal standpoint, to allow people to publish accounts of what we’ve done together, especially since I have no control over how much they tell, or if what they write is even accurate. I’m very careful about keeping my work legit and legal, but I know that, whether I want to believe it or not, not everyone will take the necessary precautionary measures when they “kiss and tell” to the other boys. It’s not really worth the risk, I feel.
Come on. What if I want to run for congress someday??! ;)
Escort review sites’ “explicit-reviews-only” policies (presumably put in place to collect as much info as possible about escorts so that the site can then supply a wealth of information about each escort to the potential clients), ultimately decrease the amount of information clients can learn about the pool of available escorts in a given area.
Why? Because when you add the number of escorts that don’t want explicit reviews on the internet (which effectively excludes them from the review system altogether) to the number of guys who don’t want to write porn in their spare time (or porn-tastic descriptions of intimate time spent with a lovely, intelligent, entertaining, funny, enchanting vixen-for-hire ::wink wink::), you get a pretty big number of reviews that aren’t being written. Reviews that could be providing relevant information to hesitant clients. Information that might not be as entertaining as porn-style kiss-and-tell braggadocio, but is useful nonetheless. Information like, say:
Are the escort’s pictures accurate? Is she the person she pitches herself to be in her ads and on her website?
Did she show an acceptable level of professionalism (i.e., did she show up on time, did she graciously accept the previously-agreed-upon rate without trying to hustle more out of the client)?
Was she appropriately discreet?
Did she appear to be in good health?
Did she behave responsibly behind closed doors? (I don’t know, some euphemism for “The escort did not insist on riding bareback” etc.)
While in the company of this escort, did you ever feel your safety was at risk?
Would you recommend this escort to other clients?
If escort review sites would allow non-explicit reviews (come on y’all–this is a gold mine of an idea for somebody out there…hell, maybe I’ll do it!), clients might not know every detail about what that particular escort has done with her past clients, but many who are on-the-fence would know enough to make a decision they won’t regret.
…and the questions keep coming! Got one? Bring it. firstname.lastname@example.org
1. Why Annie Calhoun? Did you use the “first name of pet,” “name of the street you grew up on” system?
Nope. If I’d have done that, I’d have a pretty funny name indeed.
I’ve always loved the movie Groundhog Day, and Andie MacDowell plays the leading lady. I LOVE her, and I love her in that movie. Something about her manner is just so adorable and sexy and clever. I love the name “Andie,” but there was already a girl in town using that name, so I chose Annie instead. And for some reason, Annie seemed to fit me better, anyway.
My last name is a bit more complicated.
Let me rewind a bit: I’m terrible at making decisions that I know I’ll have to stick with. When I was picking out a name for my dog, I was working from a list of 47 names, hahahah. So, when I was deciding on a last name for myself, I was at a loss. The worst part was, I had to come up with something fast, because I wanted to start posting ads and creating a website and profiles, etc. What a ridiculous thing to stress about, right? But stress I did.
So, my last name has two sources: 1) It’s inspired by a running joke. A friend and I used to get a real kick out of reading about a couple of absurdly out-of-touch New Orleans socialites, and that’s one of their family names. 2.) “Calhoun” is the name of a street in Uptown New Orleans. I was driving down S. Claiborne Ave one day, and I saw the sign for Calhoun St., and I thought, “Eh, that’s as good a name as any.”
And, just as I’d feared, I’m stuck with a name I don’t really like. Well, I love “Annie,” and I feel it suits me really well. But “Calhoun” just doesn’t really seem…right. I feel like there’s something that would work better, but there’s not much I can do about it now, so I guess that’s that.
2. Master of Fine Arts?
Yep. They call that an MFA. I also have an MA. And two BAs. Ask me what they’re in–but only once we’ve met in person.
3a. Why don’t you screen people by physical attractiveness? I know I would, and it seems like you’re successful enough to take that liberty.
This is a great question. The truth is, I really don’t think asking people to submit photos for screening would be very useful. I have trouble gauging physical attractiveness before I’ve spent a few minutes with someone. People don’t realize all of the factors that go into attraction–physical appearance, sure, but then there’s mannerisms, voice, intelligence, sense of humor (that’s a huge factor for me), etc. Also, even if I could judge attractiveness based on a single photo, there are many, many people who are super photogenic, but once you meet them, you think, “meh” (I know we’ve all experienced this, now that we’re in the age of Facebook, Match.com, etc.).
3b. Is it easier to be with people that you’re not physically attracted to? It seems like building intimacy can be a double edged sword, in that you could enjoy your work too much so that it spills over to your personal life. Having less attractive “friends” seems like a convenient way to prevent that type of situation.
Nope, it never spills over into my personal life, regardless of physical attraction (or lack thereof). This is a very specific type of relationship. It’s clearly delineated–there are very, very clear boundaries that we all know to respect. My personal life is completely separate from the time I share with my clients.
Sidenote: Who has enough money floating around to give you a $500 Amazon gift card? Well done.
This morning I woke up to the enchanting sounds of my dog vomiting next to my bed. I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve had better mornings.
But! Scroll down to check out what came in the mail! That made this day much better. Now, someone invite me over, and you can see it in person!
In other news, I’m still getting lots of questions via email. The latest was kind of absurd, but at least it was entertaining:
I don’t see myself as a potential client, so I won’t be offended if you don’t continue reading.
Well, at least he’s honest.
Just wanted to let you know that I really appreciated your “No digital breadcrumbs” entry. I’ve struggled with the idea of verification, especially given that I’m not looking for the conventional experience. Have you ever had clients that were not interested in sex or a girlfriend experience (e.g. kissing), but just in seeing you unclothed? If you haven’t, would that immediately throw up a giant red flag?
Potential clients contact me for a variety of reasons, and not all of them are interested in sex or any of the little things generally included in “the girlfriend experience.” So, to answer your question, no, that would not be a red flag. However, most clients don’t really talk about that in the initial email, so I probably wouldn’t know that that’s what they’re looking for until I meet with them. But I’m a people-pleaser, so as long as the request isn’t for something dangerous or something that I believe is just plain wrong, I’m more than happy to tailor our sessions to satisfy my clients’ unique and varied desires.
And then I got a second email from him:
Thanks for the insight. I have a follow-up type question that you might answer if you find yourself bored at work (which I obviously often do). I am a pretty cautious person with a relatively creative imagination. In my imagination, if I met with an escort (for any reason), they would have at least some of my contact info. I would definitely select someone who was careful and intelligent, and such a person would be likely to hang on to that info. I trust that person would not freely give that info away, but would still save it for any number of rainy day scenarios (some of which involving the police). As a result, someday I get a phone call or a knock on the door. Do you ever see a scenario like that playing out in real life?
In my reply, I address a few of the things he’d said:
“In my imagination, if I met with an escort (for any reason), they would have at least some of my contact info.”
“I would definitely select someone who was careful and intelligent, and such a person would be likely to hang on to that info.”
Perhaps. Many escorts regularly delete their emails. Some delete the ones with sensitive/identifying information.
“I trust that person would not freely give that info away, but would still save it for any number of rainy day scenarios (some of which involving the police).”
Why the hell would an escort SAVE your contact info for the police? Come on, man. That doesn’t even make sense.
“As a result, someday I get a phone call or a knock on the door.”
From whom? The police? Because you may or may not have spent time with an escort at some point? An email is not proof that you’ve met the provider, nor is it proof that you’ve exchanged money for sex. You may have discussed exchanging money for time, but that’s perfectly legal.
“Do you ever see a scenario like that playing out in real life?”
LOL, no. I don’t.
…or are you afraid the knock/phone call will be from the escort you contacted? Look, I can’t speak for everyone, but I will say that I don’t know anyone in this business who would just suddenly decide to stop by the home of someone who was once a client. If you do get a phone call, it’s probably because she forgot to delete your number in her phone, and “butt-dialed” you.
If you’re afraid of shady characters doing ridiculous things to endanger your safety and privacy, do your research and don’t meet with shady characters. That’s what we do. Why else do you think we screen our clients before meeting with them?
There you have it, dear readers. No, we don’t plan on stopping by your house in a few months or a few years or, well, ever. We have our own lives; we don’t sit around all day brainstorming ways to ruin some random guy’s life. Sorry to bust the myth of the crazed lunatic escort hell-bent on destroying every life in her path, leaving divorced, destitute men in her wake. :(
And worst case scenario, let’s pretend a gentleman was crass and reckless and ignorant enough to offer a lady money for sex. That would be considered solicitation, which is a misdemeanor in Louisiana. Do police generally go knocking on people’s doors based only on the fact that they found an email in which the person in question discussed the possibility of committing a misdemeanor crime? Maybe, maybe not. But I can’t say I’ve heard of that happening lately. Still, it’s best to use your head (you know which one I’m talking about!), do your research, and behave accordingly.
…After all, what’s worse: missing out on a lot of fun, or having to do a little homework every once in a while?
The questions about screening never end, and sometimes my clients give me fantastic ideas. For instance, the following client proposed a new way for me to screen clients via employment info, without asking them to send emails from their work email account:
Good afternoon Annie. I love all the information you are providing. Your blog is a valuable resources for those who have little to no experience, such as myself.
While I find your email verification idea promising, do you think one would find it acceptable to send an email to a clients work address then at which time the individual could in turn copy said contents of the email and respond with the message from their personal email. The reason being, some businesses track the majority of their emails and by responding to the email being sent to the their work address could sacrifice anonymity for the client.
Thank you in advance for any reply. You are fantastic.
Here’s my reply:
So, if I’m understanding you correctly, what you mean is that the escort would send an email to ClientsName@clientsemployer.com that said something like this:
The owl flies at midnight.
Then, instead of emailing her back from your work email (ClientsName@ClientsEmployer.com), you would use your regular personal email account to send her a message that looks something like this:
I got your email at my work account. The message it contained was “The owl flies at midnight.”
Hope to hear from you soon,
This would mean that:
Because you were able to tell her the unique, un-guessable message her email contained, the escort would know that you have access to that account, so therefore you must be the real Daniel Lastname, and
You did this without responding to her from your work account, so there was never a back-and-forth email conversation going through your employer’s server. That way, if your employer is monitoring your email conversations, you can always say, “Yeah, I got that weird email, but I didn’t know what it was about and I didn’t recognize the name of the person who sent it, so I just ignored it. You mean that was a female escort??? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!!! What did she want with me?!? I’ve never contacted an escort in my life! Shoot, I didn’t even know they existed! I thought they were a myth! Like unicorns and Santa Claus and politicians with integrity!!” etc. etc. etc.
Yes, this type of loophole would work for me. And what a creative solution it is!
So it turns out that I, like many women, have been wearing the wrong bra for years.
I’ve been operating under the belief that I wear a size 34B. But a trip to Bra Genie across the lake changed all that.
A friend and I went bra shopping, and for the first time, I got a professional bra fitting. Turns out I’m not a 34B at all (which explains why my bras always fit wonky on my boobs and the straps always fell off my shoulders).
So what size are my voluptuous, voluminous, bodacious breasts?
You’ll never believe this.
(wait for it…)
And I have the pics to prove it:
This one shows the tag. YES, that’s a 30E, which is the UK equivalent to the American 30DD!
I was so pleased, the sales girl was easily able to sell me on some cute panties to match.
Yes, this bra was pricey. But it’s gorgeous and it FITS, so it was worth every penny!
I got another set, too. I wish someone would take a pic for me…maybe I’ll get lucky soon ;)
Did y’all know that March 3rd is International Sex Workers’ Rights Day?!
In case you don’t know what the term “sex worker” means, here’s a non-exhaustive list from SWOP-NOLA, the New Orleans chapter of Sex Workers’ Outreach Project:
“Escorts, Professional Companions, Service Providers, Strippers, Exotic Dancers, FBSM / Erotic and Sensual Massage Practitioners, Pro-Dommes, Fetish Professionals, Cam Models, and Adult Entertainers of all types, genders, races, and sexualities”
If you know me well (or if you’re cool and like-minded and it happened to come up in conversation when we met), you know that I am a committed supporter of this cause.
Here’s a brief timeline of some of the major events of the sex workers’ rights movement from NSWP (Global Network of Sex Work Projects):
Continued from the previous post, in which a client asked for advice on a few topics. I’ve chosen to break them up into separate entries. In this one, I’ll address a question regarding a client’s number of P411 “Okays.” P411 “Okays” are stamps of approval on the screening website Preferrred411 (commonly referred to as “P411”) by escorts with whom a client has met.
Also, can someone have too many “okays” on P411?
You know, that’s another good question. Ugh, and it’s complicated, too.
Honestly, I’ve had guys with a few hundred P411 Okays contact me, and I will admit that, yes, it did give me pause.
But really, let’s look at this a little more closely: yes, that means the client has met with quite a few escorts. But If I made a decision not to see him based on that fact, I’d be succumbing to the culturally-conditioned whorephobia that I’m so adamantly against. Why does it matter if he generously compensated his last 200 sexual partners for their time? Would it be better if he had met the last 200 girls he slept with in a bar? And, theoretically, if he has 200 Okays on P411, these 200 girls are vouching for him and saying that he’s safe to meet with and won’t cause any trouble. Therefore he is arguably one of the people I should be least worried about. And I’m going to take the same precautions with him as I do with everyone because, ultimately, my safety and well-being is my responsibility.
The Verdict? The more the merrier, in my humble (but sex-positive) opinion.
So no, I don’t think that someone can have “too many” Okays on P411. But I’m not everyone. There may be girls out there who will be turned off by “too many” P411 Okays, but I’m willing to bet this is a knee-jerk response to what society tells us about this business, sex workers, and the clients who pay for their services. You can’t really blame those girls. The idea that sex workers are dirty whores and clients are (only slightly less) dirty whoremongers is deeply ingrained in our culture, and it’s something that even we (sex workers) are vulnerable to sometimes. Either way, “too many” is relative, so I wouldn’t put too much mental energy into worrying about that. My advice is to get an OK from every P411 girl you see. (I *have* heard girls say they don’t like to meet with guys who have no *recent* OKs. I guess they figure that their account might have been taken over by someone else? I’m not sure what their reasoning is.)
My latest question from a client/reader is on the topic of sampling a variety of escorts vs. repeatedly enjoying a “regular” (a client’s “regular” provider). Read on for the question in his own words, below:
(Y’all, I think I’m doing an advice column now. I kinda love the idea…)
I respect you as a professional and appreciate the information on your blog. Plus you’re a really cool person too. I’ve often thought you should start an advice column for hobbyists. ;)
Question – I understand that everyone is different, but do you think it’s better to see a variety of providers or better to find someone that you connect with and become a “regular”? I’m kind of struggling with that now.
I’m not trying to change my life, but I enjoy the connection, the intimacy more than the physical sex. When I see someone I prefer to approach the time together more as a date. That’s why I like to start with drinks and get to know the person before moving on to the fun.
I know variety can be fun, but I’m not sure it’s what I’m looking for.
At the same time I understand the basis of the provider/client relationship. I’m not looking for a girlfriend either.
I know you’re busy, but if you get a chance I’d love to get your perspective.
Oh wow, that is a really good question…And I just drank a ton of coffee, so honestly, I could write a master’s thesis on this right now. But instead, I’ll just continue reading…
“I’m not trying to change my life, but I enjoy the connection, the intimacy more than the physical sex. When I see someone I prefer to approach the time together more as a date. That’s why I like to start with drinks and get to know the person before moving on to the fun.
I know variety can be fun, but I’m not sure it’s what I’m looking for.”
Well, I think you just answered your question, didn’t you? It sounds like you’re a the kind of guy that might do best to pick someone you like and stick with her.
The Safety in Being a “One-Escort-Man”
There are a lot of advantages to choosing a “regular.” First off, there’s the basic security issue. Once you know someone, you don’t have to go through screening, and neither of you have to fear that the other might be dangerous or otherwise problematic.
Knowing What to Expect
Second, you know what to expect. Sometimes, in an attempt to market their services in an eye-catching manner, people use photos that are outdated (no longer representative of her appearance) or over-edited (inaccurate representation of her appearance). I know that occasionally clients choose to meet with a certain young woman, but due to the fact that they’re incapable of time travel, they end up spending the evening with that same woman, just 15 years and 3 kids later. And that’s not always a total disappointment–I’ve spoken with lots of clients who fully admit that they when first met their ATF (all time favorite), they were expecting a much younger, thinner version of her. But it isn’t always a pleasant surprise. And that’s a problem you avoid when you have a regular go-to girl.
Third, you develop an intimate understanding of each other. Put simply, you know how to turn each other on. She knows what you like, you know what she likes, and you know how to have fun with her.
But Then Again…
There are lots of advantages to seeing a variety of girls, too. But I’m going to save that for a blog post, because I’d really like to finish this before the sun goes down, lol.
And then there’s always the middle-of-the-road option for people like me who aren’t very good at choosing. There’s no rule that you can only have one “regular.” Maybe you’d like two or three. Maybe Suzie does it for you on days when you’re stressed to exhaustion, and maybe you like to celebrate with Nancy on those days when everything’s going your way. And if you’re splitting your time between two or more cities, this option makes even more sense.
At the same time I understand the basis of the provider/client relationship. I’m not looking for a girlfriend either.
Perfect. You’re coming into this with the right attitude and realistic expectations. That’s what we like. Especially if you’re gravitating more toward the “regular girl” option.
There are clients out there who, after they’ve met with a lady several times, begin to confuse the roles of “girlfriend” and “professional companion.” Boundaries are important. That’s why we’re professionals. People who understand this business get that you can’t distill it down to some pithy one-liner like “Hurr hurr, you don’t pay her for sex, you pay her to leave!” or “Harr harr, only losers who can’t get laid pay for it!” It’s not that simple. And it’s not stupid or insulting to either person involved.
The (Idealized) Girlfriend Experience (GFE)
As professionals (escorts, professional companions, service providers, whatever), we’re compensated not because we can do something a girlfriend could do, but because we can do something a girlfriend can’t. We provide an idealized Girlfriend Experience: the experience of having an AWESOME girlfriend who is horny and fun and interesting and respectful for the entire time you’re together.
A real girlfriend can’t do that. Why? Because you’re around her for more than a few hours. No one can be awesome 24 hours a day. A real girlfriend lives with you (or spends lots of time around you) for days, weeks, months, years. You’ll have serious conflicts. You’ll have minor gripes. Grudges will be held. Disappointments will happen. Working through those things together can strengthen and enrich a relationship and ultimately add to the value and beauty of it.
But let’s be honest. That’s a huge time investment, and a lot of work. And sometimes you just want to skip to the good part–you just want to have uncomplicated fun with a cool girl who’s down to fuck. And that’s why we’re here.
Hey all! Happy New Year! Hope 2015 is treating y’all well. It’s brought some huge changes for little ol’ me. Some of you know what I’m talking about; some of you don’t. Don’t worry, I’m fine and nothing terrible has happened. It’s ultimately a good (actually, awesome and amazing) thing, but it’s going to be to be an exciting, hectic, difficult, and scary few months…wish me luck?
Anyway, let’s get to the topic at hand. I was going through my email inbox (which I’m pitifully behind on, by the way…sorry, y’all), and I discovered a message I hadn’t previously noticed. I feel pretty bad for answering it so late, but better late than never, right?
…You know, I should really do an advice column. I get so many emails from curious readers, and I genuinely do enjoy answering them (when I have the time). Maybe that should be one of my new projects for 2015?
Here’s the email (sensitive details removed):
I’ve just read your three part blog series concerning the various reference methods you employ for clients. Very informative and helpful I might add. My situation is a bit unique and I wanted to get your take for my best course of action.
Specifically, I’m a newbie with no references to speak of. I am also (**insert profession or organization here**) holding an extremely sensitive position. With that being said, I am very hesitant about providing anything work related, to even include my email address […] Same goes for the data verification websites, as from what I gather, require the same work related information.
So therein lies my quandary; how do I prove that I’m a respectable and trustworthy person, while at the same time protect my work identity? Is there a way to do so without providing work information, or providing it, but without a digital breadcrumb trail? Or am I screwed in the sense that I will never be able to enjoy the company of a professional companion due to my unique circumstances? Just wanted to get your perspective and recommendation on this, as I know you’re very experienced and knowledgeable in this area.
Lastly, I want to close by saying that I completely understand the thoroughness of the verification process. To be honest with you, when searching for my first potential provider, I avoid those who don’t utilize such a process.
I’m fully aware you’re a very busy woman but any recommendation no matter how long or short would very much be appreciated.
Well then, “John,” here’s my answer:
First of all, I’m glad to hear that, in your search for a professional companion, you’re considering her screening requirements a requirement of your own. That’s smart. And I can’t really vouch for what the screening sites (like P411, or the ever-terrible and most certainly NOT recommended Date-Check) require, as I’ve never been a client applying for membership to those sites. But to answer your question…
Honestly, your situation is gonna be difficult. It will require extra effort and/or money on your part.
Here are the options I can think of (and that I’ve used in the past):
You could offer to meet the lady in a public place for an in-person screening. This would require you both to show up at a public place (think coffee shop, bookstore, etc.), and for you to bring your ID and enough cash to cover her hourly rate (in a gift bag or a birthday card–you’ll be in public, so don’t just had her a wad of bills, obviously). Sit down for a bit, talk with her, and show her your ID. She can look at your ID, look at you, and verify that it’s legit. Then, you can part ways, and she can go home and do her research to make sure you’re not some kind of crazy predator. She can then contact you and schedule a date.
This method sounds extreme, I know. But you have to account for the fact that it’s rather extreme to expect a woman to meet alone with a man she knows literally nothing about–a man who refuses to provide her with any identifying information about himself. Honestly, when a man refuses to tell me who he is, but he wants me to meet with him alone, I think “What’s he trying to hide?”
Perhaps there are girls who, upon meeting up with you, would feel comfortable enough to proceed with a date immediately (before returning home to research you and verify that you’re not a predator), but you shouldn’t go into the meeting expecting that.
I used this method once with a client who was involved in politics. It worked well for us.
You could go to the source: ask the lady you’re interested in meeting with what you can do to make her comfortable meeting with you. You don’t have to agree to whatever she suggests, of course. But you should listen respectfully before you accept or decline her offer. Remember that the objective here is for her to ensure her own safety. After all, if she feels she’s wandered into a potentially dangerous situation, the date won’t be enjoyable for either of you.
Set up a fake email account and “persona.” Join a message board like TER or ECCIE. Start contacting providers that way. There may be a provider on there who is (unfortunately) lax about screening. See her. Be nice, be generous, have fun. Hope that her recommendation carries weight with other providers. Hope that, when you use her as a reference and another provider contacts her to make sure you’re cool, she actually responds in a timely manner with a message that says “yes, John’s a safe, fun, great guy.” Hope that the girl trusts her and meets with you. See her. Be nice, be generous, have fun. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Build up a list of references that way.
There are problems with this option.
First, you’ll have to set up a profile on a “hobby board.” If you’re afraid of leaving evidence of your newfound entertainment options/leisure activities, this is pretty much the worst thing a snooping partner/boss/child could find. Seriously. Some of the people on those boards are pretty vile, and no one’s beating around the bush (pun intended) as far as subject matter.
Secondly, you should know that many, many girls do not see guys based solely on references. The reference system requires us to trust each other. We’re basically on the honor system, and we’re relying on each other to be honest, charitable, and timely.
That sounds easy enough, but you have to understand that, if Suzie emails Nancy to ask if Dick is an OK guy, Nancy has to stop what she’s doing, figure out who Dick is, try to remember if he was cool or not, and then compose an email vouching for him.
The only person who receives an immediate benefit from the exchange is Suzie, who, presumably, now feels safe enough to meet Dick for an hour and leave a few hundred bucks richer. Yay, Suzie! Yay, Dick!!
But what about Nancy?
Nancy has lost anywhere from 2 to 20 minutes of her time (depending on how good her memory is, whether she has a smartphone with internet access, how fast/accurate she can type, etc.). And what has Nancy won? A warm, fuzzy feeling in her heart, because she knows she helped another provider do two things: 1) make an informed decision, and 2) pay her rent.
But not everyone is motivated by a sense of decency/ethics/responsibility/warm, fuzzy feelings.
Some people are lazy. They’ll say, “What’s in it for me?” And they won’t bother answering.
Some will say, “I sincerely don’t remember Dick, sorry.”
And unfortunately, some will say, “Why is Dick trying to schedule a date with the competition? I should call him and offer him a $50 discount to meet with me instead.”
Still others will say, “Oh, I’d better answer that email…oh shit! Darling Offspring, is that peanut butter? Dammit, don’t paint the dog with peanut butter!” And then she’ll spend the next hour cleaning peanut butter out of the hair, ears, and nose of both her child and her dog, and she’ll forget she ever read that email reference request.
So, it’s an imperfect system. Ideally, we all cooperate for the good of the group–an extended community of sex workers whose work can be quite dangerous (due to criminalization and cultural stigma) if we don’t work together to ensure each individual’s safety. But the world is full of real people, not ideal cogs in an ideal machine. And some real people are real assholes.
Well, I made good on my promise–I recorded my first video blog post yesterday! And I opened the mystery golden rectangle to reveal…well, I guess you’ll just have to watch the video. It’s SFW (as in Safe For Work, meaning it’s G-Rated), though I know some of you would probably prefer otherwise, haha. But I’m an escort, not a porn star…though, when it comes to future careers, I guess I wouldn’t totally rule that one out…
I came up with a low-tech solution for the whole “I probably shouldn’t broadcast my face all over the internet” problem: I simply kept my head out of the frame. This worked out fine right up until I started talking and forgot to sit still, haha. I added a blur, which works for now, but I’d like to find an easier way. Maybe next time I’ll wear a really creepy clown mask and lacy lingerie (kidding, kidding).
By the way–this is a BIG step for me, y’all. I am a huge cameraphobe, and as I’m sure you can tell in the video, I get pretty nervous when there’s a camera on me. But I promised I would do it, so I did. That’s how much I love y’all, hahah.
Maybe if I do a bunch of these, I’ll lose the virtual “stage fright”…
Ok so a week ago I noticed that one of you (I’m not naming names, but you know who you are!) had quietly bought me a $500 Amazon Gift Card off my Wishlist several days prior, and I hadn’t even noticed. I thanked him personally, of course, right when I noticed it, and I’ve been working hard at spending that money. But I haven’t mentioned it here yet because I actually didn’t want to write a blog post about it. See, I had this magnificent plan to make a video blog post and show y’all all the stuff I got. That would be fun, right? Also, it would reassure any potential new friends that:
Yes, I do exist.
Yes, I am the girl in the photos.
No, I haven’t gained 200 lbs and a decade of life experience since they were taken.
Well, I’ve run into a couple roadblocks. First off, I haven’t spent all the money yet, and I am slow about making purchases, especially online purchases, because I like to read the product reviews. Also, I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to make a video blog post while also maintaining my anonymity, and I haven’t come up with a creative solution to that yet.
And then, just now, the mail came, and here’s what I found…
I haven’t unwrapped it, and I haven’t checked to see who it’s from. And I haven’t cheated by checking my account to see if the answer’s in there, either. Nope, I’m challenging myself to put my money where my…um, no, that’s gross…hmmm….I’m challenging myself to make good on my plan. I will NOT open this gift until I have a video camera rolling and I’m ready to post the finished product on my blog.
And I am super impatient and REALLY excited to see what this mysterious rectangular surprise gift is, so I promise, that will be soon.
In the meantime, thank you for the lovely gift, whoever you are…but mostly, thanks for thinking of me!
(Ok, so it turns out that’s not exactly what she says…)
Of course they liked you! Come on, who doesn’t love Sally Field?
Anyway…I had a similar experience a few days ago, thanks to someone out there who apparently believes I’m fit to be included in a group of 31 American escorts who are “uniquely sexy…who could say so in new words…who share a similar wit, whim, and joie de vivre.”
Here’s what happened: I was checkin’ the ‘ol website traffic stats (yes, I do that), and I noticed that I had gotten a relatively high number of visits from a site I didn’t recognize. Since 1) I’m nosy, and 2) I love to be flattered, I clicked on over, figuring someone must have linked to my site in a gushing blog post about what an absolutely amazing genius I am. But I instead landed on CameoLover.com.
The creator of the website, “Ana,” is evidently an escort herself, as she mentions that her clients felt frustrated by what she refers to as “flashy ads, vulgar stories, generic texts, (and) impersonal numbers” and “generic writing” found on the usual listing sites. So, she created her own. It’s essentially a collection of escort websites, and not much more. The hree links on the right sidebar make it easy to peruse the collection, bookmark websites you like, and can contact anyone you find interesting. There are no ads or listings per se; the site is more like a carefully curated virtual art museum…except with escort websites. No, I’m not a shill for this site, and no, I didn’t create it, but I do think you should check it out. I’m sure you’ll agree this is something very new and very different.
And “Ana” (I’m not sure if this is a webmaster pseudonym, or if she uses this name when seeing clients) promises that it will always be free. “Free,” as in, “No, an escort cannot pay a nominal fee to have her website included in the collection.” Each of the sites listed has been selected because it meets a higher standard–one that can’t be met by simply whipping out a credit card.
(Preface: Sometimes I get carried away. If you’re in a rush, you don’t want to hear about my love of 3-legged dogs and my hatred of mayonnaise, and you just want to be reassured that we’re not performing weird witchcraft rituals with your info or selling it to spammers for .0000000001 cent, scroll on down. I assure you, I DO have a point…)
I’m pretty overwhelmed by the sheer generosity I’ve been the recipient of lately.
This arrived the other day:
Someone sent me a surprise webcam!! I’m not gonna say who. But I will say this: he’s smart and sweet and he’s spoiling me already <3
So, thank you! Thank you thank you thank you! Gracias and Merci and Grazie and Danke! You know who you are ;)
(I kept it a secret for a few days because I wanted to have something to post this week, haha.)
And, as of right now, it’s been “shared” 230,989 times. 230,989!!! That means 230,989 people thought this was funny enough to repost so that all their family and friends and coworkers and ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends, etc. could enjoy it. Wow.
But it’s kind of thought-provoking, too. None of the descriptors are really positive.
Stupid Bra Sizes Meme Exposed
The first two (“A – Almost boobs” and “B – barely boobs”) are decidedly negative.
The third (“C – can’t complain”) might as well just say “meh, they don’t make me puke.”
The next two (“D – dang” and “DD – double dang”) might be positive, and they’re probably meant to be read as a positive assessment of the bosoms in question. But it’s still not exactly praise–I mean, I said “dang” the last time I saw a knocked-down stoplight on Canal Street. I was impressed, sure, but not in the “Wow, that’s amazing, and I can’t wait to bury my face in it!!!” way that I would be upon seeing an attractive set of D or DD breasts (or, for that matter, an attractive set of breasts of any size), but in the “Whoa, that’s shocking, and I hope no one got hurt” way.
The next (“E – Enormous”) is neither positive nor negative.
Then comes the inevitably disparaging judgement (“F – fake”) of women who choose to surgically enhance their breasts in accordance with what society tells us we SHOULD look like (never forget: we’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t, ladies).
On the other hand, women with breasts just one size larger than F are encouraged to undergo major surgery with a significant recovery period (“G – get a reduction”). What a demanding perfectionist this list-maker must be.
And last but not least, women with Hs are the “punchline” of the joke. Har de har har.
Who makes this stuff up, and who thinks it’s funny? People who hate boobs? Young boys who are angry that no woman in her right mind will let him see her boobs? Women who are…angry at their boobs for some reason?
But but but but….BOOBS ARE GREAT!!! Boobs are fun! Boobs of all sizes are a splendorous gift of wonder to those allowed the privilege of seeing/touching/enjoying them.
I get that it’s always hilarious to mock women’s bodies (this is sarcasm, ladies and gentlemen), but I personally think women’s bodies (mine especially!) make life a hell of a lot more pleasurable. Well, for women and their partners, anyway, heh. I suppose strictly-gay men aren’t all that thrilled by boobs, but who knows, maybe some of them occasionally get kinky like that.
So, I made up my own list:
Bra Sizes Meme, Improved
AA – Adorable & Adequate!
A – Alluring
B – Bodacious (tatas)
C – Captivating
D – Deluxe
DD – Double Deluxe
E – Exceptional
F – Fffffffffffffffffffffff…those are impressive
G – Gifted
H – Hallelujah
I’m gonna make a quick and dirty meme and see if even ONE person shares it.
If I could get 1/10th of the “shares” as that ridiculously unfunny original one did, I swear I would legally change my name to Boobie Boobzanne McBooberson-O’Boobs (I’m apparently of Irish/Scottish descent).
That said, bra sizes are so arbitrary anyway. Sometimes I’m a 34C, sometimes a 32C (once even a D!), etc. And guess what size this “bra” is??
Size Small. And I assure you, my boobs are not.
(OK so yes, I was wearing it as a tube top this summer, but it’s marketed as a “bra.”)