December 17th 2016 International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers

It’s December 17th, which means it’s International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers.

I only have about 18 minutes to finish this blog (and then it’ll be December 18th, which is nothing special, other than the fact that it’s my best friend’s birthday, which is very relevant in my world, but not so much in yours), so I’ll make this quick:

This is real. We are your friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, and lovers–all of those, past, present, and future. Sex workers are everywhere. Worldwide.

These are the ones we lost in 2016.

Someone you know is a sex worker.

How can YOU fight violence against sex workers?

Well, there’s the obvious: don’t assault, rape, or kill sex workers. But that’s easy, because you, Dear Reader, aren’t the type of person to do that anyway, are you?

But are you the type to laugh at “dead hooker in a trunk” jokes?

Are you the type to perpetuate the “strippers have daddy issues” trope?

Do you support the criminalization of sex work?

Do you perpetuate the harmful stigma surrounding sex work, and the media images that portray us as either sexual deviants or passive victims?

Maybe you should, in your own way–whatever that may look like for YOU–promote the idea that sex workers are people, sex work is real work, and we deserve the same basic respect that is extended to any other people doing any other work.

Even if you’ve never “met with” one of us, look around. Someone you know is a sex worker.

Happy Halloween! Help me choose a costume?

Happy Halloween!!

As you may know, Halloween is kind of a big deal here in New Orleans.  Costuming and general mayhem–tomfoolery, hijinx, shenanigans, and especially debauchery–isn’t just encouraged; it’s almost required, to nearly the same extent as Mardi Gras. I guess you could say it’s on par with New Year’s Eve (also a Big Deal in NOLA).

However, I’m in a bit of a predicament. Tonight is Halloween, and I still don’t have a costume. I’m about to head out to hit all the local costume shops in a last-minute attempt to throw something together, but I can’t decide which ultra-offensive, lazy cliché of a costume I should don this year for All Hallow’s Eve. So, I invite you to vote on it. I’ve narrowed it down to two choices.

Stupid, whorephobic, and/or generally misogynistic costume ideas for Halloween:

 

  • Dead Hooker: Hurr hurr because sex workers aren’t people, and a dead hooker stuffed in the trunk of is car are an easy punchline that won’t make normal, respectable folk uncomfortable (unlike “dead kindergarten teacher/nurse. stuffed in the trunk of a car”). Hah!The “Dead Hooker” costume is an especially popular choice among women who have procrastinated for weeks and now, a few hours before the Halloween festivities start, find themselves needing something last-minute. Here’s an example. And another. (For what it’s worth, these girls seem like perfectly nice people, and this “costume” idea is so common that I don’t hold it against them. I’m only singling them out because their pics were some the first that came up when I Googled).

  • Geisha Girl: Oh, cool! Asian fetishism and disrespect for highly-trained sex workers? In one costume?!? Sign me up!
    Sexy Geisha Girl costume
    So authentic!!

    True Story: I once went out on a date with a girl who was dressed as a Geisha for Halloween. During said date, she informed me that she had “thought about it and decided that [she] might be OK with dating someone who does what [I] do for a living.” How flattering. :\



Hmmm…decisions, decisions, right?  Come on, help a gal out! Give me a little direction here! I’ve posted a poll on Twitter:

…or you can tell me which you like better (or suggest something else) in the comments section below!

Open Rant to SexWork Prohibitionists Everywhere

OK, I normally don’t show this side of myself here on my blog, but I think it would be disingenuous not to right now, given the recent (August 11th) announcement by Amnesty International that they now officially support decriminalization of all forms of sex work worldwide.  They’ve been discussing this for a while now, much to the chagrin of prostitution prohibitionist groups and the celebrities they’ve convinced to support them (under the guise of the “anti trafficking” cause).

Sidenote:  the term “sex worker” refers to anyone who works in the sex industry:  escorts and courtesans, exotic dancers, cam performers, porn actors/actresses, full service providers, professional companions, pro-dommes, street workers, sensual massage providers, phone sex operators, etc.  The term does not apply to people in the business who do not provide the actual services (strip club managers, porn producers, escort agency owners/managers, etc.).

Feminists?

As a sex worker and an activist, I often run into prohibitionists who are absolutely married to the idea that no woman would ever choose to engage in full service sex work, and that any woman who does engage in it is being exploited by a man–be it her “pimp” or her “john” (yes, they use those words, even though those words aren’t really in widespread use among sex workers themselves).  They see sex work as inherently exploitative to women, and they see women as victims in need of rescue.  I refuse to call these people feminists–anyone who insists on infantilizing women and denying them agency is not a feminist.  Anyone who refuses to help women by working to secure labor rights for all workers is not a feminist.  Anyone who advocates police brutality against and confinement of poverty-stricken women so that they can be “reeducated” and “rehabilitated” into sweatshop workers is. not. a. fucking. feminist.

“But what about the men?”

“But wait,” you say.  “What about male sex workers?  Are they being exploited, too?  And for that matter, what about trans girls (‘TS’ in the biz, or ‘T-girls’)?”

I can answer that in one (sort-of) word:  LOL.

Prohibitionists prefer to ignore the fact that men are also sex workers.  It doesn’t fit their neat, clean predator/victim paradigm.  As for trans women, well…most anti-prostitution prohibitionists don’t consider them women at all.  I’m not sure they even know that trans guys exist.

In their world, there are three kinds of people:

  1. heterosexual, male-assigned-at-birth men
  2. basically asexual female-assigned-at-birth women
  3. “enlightened” prostitution prohibitionists, er, “anti-trafficking activists”

Oh yeah, and then there’s us.  By “us” I mean the people who support sex workers rights, and the rights of all adults to have consensual sex–to share our bodies in one of the most basic, personal, human ways available to us.  This is a basic human right that people of all stripes have been fighting for for years (even in the US, there are states that still have anti-sodomy laws on the books!), and anyone with any sense of logic and/or justice supports that right…except for when it comes to women and the exchange of money, because it’s just plain easier to see the fairer sex as weak, naive, innocent, and pure than to acknowledge that adult women are sexual beings with agency and ideas, desires, needs, and goals independent of men.

The “Pimp Lobby”

And you know what the prohibitionists call us? The “Pimp Lobby.” Because they refuse to believe that we are speaking our minds, or that female providers would actually–gasp!–defend the rights of adults to engage in consensual sex, regardless of the reason. They actually believe that we are “lobbyists” for “pimps.” They believe “pimps” control us sexually, financially, and ideologically. They believe that we are paid or coerced by men to pretend we have chosen this work. I’m not sure how they explain all the research (with sound methodology even!) that points to full decriminalization being the best approach, but I guess denial is a powerful thing. Powerful enough to convince prohibitionists to ignore evidence and soldier on with their mission to force a moralistic view that results in harm to real people.

…Or maybe they don’t really believe it.  Maybe that’s just their way of convincing people to ignore us. Maybe that’s their way of persuading the public to completely disregard what is said by the people actually doing this type of labor–the very people these prohibitionists spend time and energy ostensibly trying to “protect”–since we don’t, in fact, want or need what they say we do.  Pretty sinister.

So yes, you could say I’ve got a lot of pent-up anger for these people.  Especially since they refuse to listen to sex workers who speak out, and instead insist that our voices don’t count because we’re the privileged ones, the exceptions to the rule of poor imprisoned girls who are raped multiple times a day for their pimp’s profit.  Nevermind the illogical nature of this claim (Where are these millions of imprisoned girls?  Why are they never found?  And are there really that many men willing to pay to rape a woman?  As far as I know, the vast majority of rapists just rape–they’re not going to pay another man for something they can do for free.).

“I’m not a sex worker, but I played one in a movie once…”

Anyway, so on an article about all the Hollywood celebrities (some of whom played prostitutes in movies!  So, ya know, they know all about the reality of sex work) who signed an open letter penned by CATW International urging Amnesty International not to adopt any policy that supports the full decriminalization of the sex industry, one particularly stubborn person in the comments section posted a link to a document titled “Prostitution Statistics,” referring to it as “cold, hard facts” (good lord, please take a research methods course, stat):

(Update: As of December 2016, the University of Hawaii has removed that document from their website. It appears that happened sometime within the last year–I don’t want to flatter myself, but I kinda hope someone on their web admin team noticed the sudden uptick in links to that page, which appeared to be nothing more than some undergrad’s improperly-sourced, slapped-together assignment. Too bad they didn’t do that before it was cited as a legitimate source by various nonprofits all over the internet. Still, if you’re interested, here’s an archived copy of it via the Wayback Machine.)

I couldn’t help myself.  I went on a rant and couldn’t stop, and it became a rant to every and any of these people I’ve encountered or will encounter EVER.  And here it is:

Oh, honey…those are not “facts,” much less cold, hard ones.

I’m sorry, this is going to sound incredibly condescending, but what’s your education level? Because no one who knows a damn thing about research would post that link in an attempt to gain footing in an argument. That looks like an undergrad’s report on prostitution, sourced entirely from hooker rescue projects and modern “white slavery” hysteria. How the hell would they even come up with “Most prostitutes have been victimized, at some point in their lives, by sexual violence. More than 90% suffered childhood sexual abuse…” What? And really, why would that be the focus of anyone’s research? What would that accomplish? How would that help anyone? Sex workers don’t need to justify their reasons for engaging in consensual sex; their government needs to justify its reasons for criminalizing consensual sex between adults.

And this: “At least 2/3 of prostitutes began working in prostitution before the age of 16” has been thoroughly debunked. The origins of that (and other similar “stats” you’ll hear, like “The average age of entry into prostitution is between 12 and 14”) are hard to track down, but as far as we can tell, they originate from a survey done in the early 80s with a very small sample size of participants taken exclusively from a program that worked with minors who had exchanged money for sexual services. As in, everyone participating in the survey was under 18, because that’s who the program/facility was there to serve. And then they averaged those numbers, claimed they were representative of the experiences of sex workers in general, or someone else misunderstood them. So the highest possible age of entry would be 17. Of course the average would be low. They never asked any adult sex workers their age of entry. And the media, law enforcement, advocacy groups, and people like you have been running with that number for 30 fucking years.

What you don’t understand is that your view of sex workers shows a fundamental disrespect for women. When someone’s oppressed, you don’t help them by infantilizing them; you help them by arming them with rights, and by supporting them in their fight for those rights. You don’t want people to be exploited for their labor? You support them in their fight for labor rights, fair pay, legal protection, etc. I said it before, but maybe you didn’t catch it: no one gives a shit about all the human trafficking going on in agriculture, fishing, construction, and hotel housekeeping companies, but let’s say they did. You don’t want women slaving away, cleaning hundreds of toilets for 18 hours a day, while their boss holds their papers and their paychecks, all to pay some “debt” to a “job recruiter”? Let’s talk about immigration policy. Let’s talk about fair wages and labor laws. That’s what we’re talking about, after all: exploiting sex workers for their sexual labor. You don’t want women to have to have sex with men they don’t want to have sex with and then be forced to hand over their earnings to an abusive “pimp”? Fine. Decriminalize their work so that they don’t need “protection” (in the form of an abusive man who makes them work all day and takes their money) from police. And decriminalize their clients so they don’t need “protection” from, say, a man who can rest assured his victim won’t go to police to report him, and even if she did, she wouldn’t know his name, anyway. When your work and your clients aren’t criminalized, you can easily “screen” your clients before meeting with them—your client won’t be afraid to disclose identifying info because he’s not afraid of being arrested for meeting with you. You can also employ a bodyguard or driver without your client freaking out and thinking you’ve brought some dude there to kick his ass and rob him (because, when you and your client are not committing a criminal act, you can assume that both of you are law-abiding citizens, especially if you’ve screened him in advance), and without you AND said bodyguard/driver fearing that cops will mistake him for a “pimp.”

I understand you’re fighting what you think is the good fight. Apparently, at some point in your life, you joined up with some rescue project and did some “work” that seemed incredibly important and life-affirming to you at the time. I don’t want to take that away from you—for all I know, you helped some people. But if you care about justice in the world, you will continue to educate yourself about the issues you claim to care about, no matter how much it hurts to find out you’re wrong. Decrim is the safest thing for all of us. Not just me (or other women you dismiss as “too privileged” to know anything about the business we’ve worked in for years). For ALL of us.

There is no dichotomy of “happy hooker” and “sex slave forced to endure rape for someone else’s profit.” This topic is incredibly complex and nuanced. No, not everyone enjoys sex work. No, not everyone finds it empowering. No, not everyone would choose something else were it available (I wouldn’t). Yes, some of us were sexually abused as children (as were many teachers, lawyers, home makers, doctors, social workers, etc…). Yes, some of us started very young (though most of us start when we’re in our 30s or 40s). The point is that it doesn’t matter what our individual situations are, criminalization hurts ALL of us. And yes, that includes the Nordic model.

I get where you’re coming from, though. When I first started working, I heard about the Nordic model, and honestly, I thought it sounded pretty damn good. I hadn’t been working long enough to understand how the business really works, and I sure as hell hadn’t discovered the sex workers’ rights movement. I was still indoctrinated with the media images and the statistics gleaned from sloppy, often unethical research. I didn’t have a “pimp,” and I didn’t know anyone who did, but I still assumed that the vast majority of sex workers were being forced to fuck dozens of men a day while some evil bastard kept their money and beat them for fun. So yeah, the Nordic model sounded awesome. Put those evil, money-grubbing fuckers in jail!

While I didn’t have a “pimp,” when I first started escorting, I did have a “manager.” He was the guy who answered the phone and directed clients to one of the 10 or 15 girls at the agency. We set our own prices, and we spent as many hours as we wanted with each client. We sent him $100 for each client he referred to us. I didn’t even meet him in person until maybe 3 months after I started working for him, and by then I was already preparing to strike out on my own as an independent.

Did you catch the fact that my manager would have counted as one of those “evil, money-grubbing fuckers” I imagined getting their due via the Nordic Model? I didn’t. Did you catch that I was, if you go by the definition of the loudest voices in this conversation, a “trafficking victim”? I didn’t catch that, either. I would NEVER claim to be one, but by THEIR definition—one of the many absurd ways prostitution prohibitionists define “trafficked”—I was a trafficking victim. They count all third parties as traffickers. If you are a sex worker helping to support your unemployed/unemployable/just f-in broke partner, non-minor child, or other adult family member who lives with you, that person can be considered a trafficker. If you are a migrant worker who voluntarily crosses borders to work independently, you are counted as a trafficking victim.

Soon after that, I realized how wrong I was. But I admit I had a weird, visceral reaction to letting go of my “Jail the pimps!! Go after them!” position. I sort of wanted to cling to it. I don’t know why. Did I enjoy the boogeyman simplicity? Maybe. Or was I just trying to avoid the feeling of finding out I’d been had? I’m not sure. But I guess that’s what happens when you learn more about a subject, and you realize that the facts contradict what you’ve always thought to be true—what sources you’ve trusted have always told you was true.

And the longer I’ve been in the biz, and the longer I’ve been an activist for sex workers’ rights, the more I’ve learned. There’s tons of data. There’s a reason Amnesty International, the World Health Organization and the Global Alliance Against Traffic in Women support us. And honestly, if you were to work in this business, you’d understand that common sense supports us.

The truth is, this is a very, very old problem steeped in racism and xenophobia. In the 1910s they referred to it as White Slavery (see the Mann Act), and now it’s sex trafficking. Nevermind the fact that there are more than enough willing sex workers that there’s really no need to force women into it (I hate talking about supply and demand, because it’s so much more complex than that, but in the simplest of terms, the supply already meets the demand. Trust me, usually people are whining about how they aren’t getting enough business). And nevermind the fact that, even if supply didn’t meet demand, people don’t want to pay to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with them. Rapists don’t pay to rape people; rapists just rape. But we cling to this idea that there are zillions of women all over the world being kidnapped, drugged, and forced into prostitution while men profit. Why, even though the numbers (upon inspection, and not just taken at face value) show us that this isn’t true? Well, because a lot of people have a vested interest in keeping this moral panic alive. Follow the money: it usually leads to those pushing an agenda centered on female “purity,” or those who are directly profiting, i.e., the rescue industry (Hey there, Somaly Mam!).

Please, please just stop talking about this until you’ve taken the time to listen to sex workers all over the world (Even in Eastern Europe and SE Asia!). Because you know the way you feel about your perspective? Like it’s a desperate situation and you have to fight, fight, fight for those who are in danger, are suffering injustices, and have far less privilege than you do? Yeah, that’s how I feel, too. Except people listen to you, and I’m the one who will have to deal with the consequences. They hurt me, they hurt my friends, and they hurt people all over the world every day. You’ll be able to walk away thinking you accomplished something, score 1 for the good guys, etc., and you’ll never have to look back, and you’ll never have to fully comprehend the mess you’ve made. And you’ll leave us to clean up, and then you’ll wonder why we’re so fucking angry with you.

BTW, it may not please you to know that sex workers in poor, “developing” countries can and do organize for their rights, but it’s true! And look what they have to say about decrim! Listen to them!)

And here’s more on “supply” and “demand,” in case it interests you. Here’s one on myths about sex trafficking and sex work (mostly about the Olympics, the World Cup, the Superbowl, and other major sports events being huge attractions for sex traffickers, etc., but there’s a lot of other good stuff in there, too) I found pretty fascinating too when I first got started on my mission to kick ass and take names until hookers all over the world are free to hook safely.

And here’s a flippin’ awesome rant about the rescue industry and two of the biggest figures in it (Nikolas Kristoff and Somaly Mam).

*

And of course I got no response.  I never do.


#rightsnotrescue

Via Ava Grace in Brisbane:



And here’s a little bit of perfection from Ava St. Claire:

Today is International Sex Workers’ Rights Day 2015!!

Did y’all know that March 3rd is International Sex Workers’ Rights Day?!

In case you don’t know what the term “sex worker” means, here’s a non-exhaustive list from SWOP-NOLA, the New Orleans chapter of Sex Workers’ Outreach Project:

“Escorts, Professional Companions, Service Providers, Strippers, Exotic Dancers, FBSM / Erotic and Sensual Massage Practitioners, Pro-Dommes, Fetish Professionals, Cam Models, and Adult Entertainers of all types, genders, races, and sexualities”

If you know me well (or if you’re cool and like-minded and it happened to come up in conversation when we met), you know that I am a committed supporter of this cause.

Here’s a brief timeline of some of the major events of the sex workers’ rights movement from NSWP (Global Network of Sex Work Projects):

History of the NSWP and the Sex Worker Rights Movement: North America and the Caribbean

Today, sex workers’ rights organizations all over the world are celebrating all the victories won by brave, dedicated sex worker activists and allies.

SWOP-NOLA is having an event this weekend to celebrate:

International Sex Workers’ Rights Day 2015 in NOLA!

International Sex Workers’ Rights Day 2015 in NOLA!
International Sex Workers’ Rights Day 2015 in NOLA!

So…Happy International Sex Workers’ Rights Day!!! Enjoy it with someone you enjoy ;)

Can a Client Have “Too Many” P411 “Okays”? – Client Questions

A Question of P411 “Okays”
Preferred411.com P411 Screenshot Client Okays
So, how many *is* “too many”?
(Screenshot of P411 Escort member’s view of a Client member’s profile)

Continued from the previous post, in which a client asked for advice on a few topics.  I’ve chosen to break them up into separate entries.  In this one, I’ll address a question regarding a client’s number of P411 “Okays.” P411 “Okays” are stamps of approval on the screening website Preferrred411 (commonly referred to as “P411”) by escorts with whom a client has met.

Also, can someone have too many “okays” on P411?

My Answer:

You know, that’s another good question. Ugh, and it’s complicated, too.

Honestly, I’ve had guys with a few hundred P411 Okays contact me, and I will admit that, yes, it did give me pause.

But really, let’s look at this a little more closely: yes, that means the client has met with quite a few escorts. But If I made a decision not to see him based on that fact, I’d be succumbing to the culturally-conditioned whorephobia that I’m so adamantly against. Why does it matter if he generously compensated his last 200 sexual partners for their time? Would it be better if he had met the last 200 girls he slept with in a bar? And, theoretically, if he has 200 Okays on P411, these 200 girls are vouching for him and saying that he’s safe to meet with and won’t cause any trouble. Therefore he is arguably one of the people I should be least worried about. And I’m going to take the same precautions with him as I do with everyone because, ultimately, my safety and well-being is my responsibility.

The Verdict? The more the merrier, in my humble (but sex-positive) opinion.

So no, I don’t think that someone can have “too many” Okays on P411. But I’m not everyone. There may be girls out there who will be turned off by “too many” P411 Okays, but I’m willing to bet this is a knee-jerk response to what society tells us about this business, sex workers, and the clients who pay for their services. You can’t really blame those girls. The idea that sex workers are dirty whores and clients are (only slightly less) dirty whoremongers is deeply ingrained in our culture, and it’s something that even we (sex workers) are vulnerable to sometimes. Either way, “too many” is relative, so I wouldn’t put too much mental energy into worrying about that. My advice is to get an OK from every P411 girl you see. (I *have* heard girls say they don’t like to meet with guys who have no *recent* OKs. I guess they figure that their account might have been taken over by someone else? I’m not sure what their reasoning is.)

A variety of providers vs. a regular escort? – Client Questions

My latest question from a client/reader is on the topic of sampling a variety of escorts vs. repeatedly enjoying a “regular” (a client’s “regular” provider). Read on for the question in his own words, below:

(Y’all, I think I’m doing an advice column now. I kinda love the idea…)

Hi Annie,

I respect you as a professional and appreciate the information on your blog. Plus you’re a really cool person too. I’ve often thought you should start an advice column for hobbyists. ;)

Question – I understand that everyone is different, but do you think it’s better to see a variety of providers or better to find someone that you connect with and become a “regular”? I’m kind of struggling with that now.

I’m not trying to change my life, but I enjoy the connection, the intimacy more than the physical sex. When I see someone I prefer to approach the time together more as a date. That’s why I like to start with drinks and get to know the person before moving on to the fun.
I know variety can be fun, but I’m not sure it’s what I’m looking for.

At the same time I understand the basis of the provider/client relationship. I’m not looking for a girlfriend either.

Do u think there is a middle ground out there?

Also, can someone have too many “okays” on P411?

I know you’re busy, but if you get a chance I’d love to get your perspective.

Thanks.

My response:

Oh wow, that is a really good question…And I just drank a ton of coffee, so honestly, I could write a master’s thesis on this right now. But instead, I’ll just continue reading…

“I’m not trying to change my life, but I enjoy the connection, the intimacy more than the physical sex. When I see someone I prefer to approach the time together more as a date. That’s why I like to start with drinks and get to know the person before moving on to the fun.
I know variety can be fun, but I’m not sure it’s what I’m looking for.”

Well, I think you just answered your question, didn’t you? It sounds like you’re a the kind of guy that might do best to pick someone you like and stick with her.

The Safety in Being a “One-Escort-Man”

There are a lot of advantages to choosing a “regular.” First off, there’s the basic security issue. Once you know someone, you don’t have to go through screening, and neither of you have to fear that the other might be dangerous or otherwise problematic.

Knowing What to Expect

Second, you know what to expect. Sometimes, in an attempt to market their services in an eye-catching manner, people use photos that are outdated (no longer representative of her appearance) or over-edited (inaccurate representation of her appearance). I know that occasionally clients choose to meet with a certain young woman, but due to the fact that they’re incapable of time travel, they end up spending the evening with that same woman, just 15 years and 3 kids later. And that’s not always a total disappointment–I’ve spoken with lots of clients who fully admit that they when first met their ATF (all time favorite), they were expecting a much younger, thinner version of her. But it isn’t always a pleasant surprise. And that’s a problem you avoid when you have a regular go-to girl.

Familiarity

Third, you develop an intimate understanding of each other. Put simply, you know how to turn each other on. She knows what you like, you know what she likes, and you know how to have fun with her.


Client Gifts for his Regular Escort:  Crawfish Champagne Chocolate Envelope

I’m always happy to make new friends, but I’ll admit that being someone’s “regular” escort is AWESOME. There’s a lot to be said for someone who knows you this well ;)

But Then Again…

There are lots of advantages to seeing a variety of girls, too. But I’m going to save that for a blog post, because I’d really like to finish this before the sun goes down, lol.

And then there’s always the middle-of-the-road option for people like me who aren’t very good at choosing. There’s no rule that you can only have one “regular.” Maybe you’d like two or three. Maybe Suzie does it for you on days when you’re stressed to exhaustion, and maybe you like to celebrate with Nancy on those days when everything’s going your way. And if you’re splitting your time between two or more cities, this option makes even more sense.

Successful “Long-Term Arrangements” Require Clear Boundaries

At the same time I understand the basis of the provider/client relationship. I’m not looking for a girlfriend either.

Perfect. You’re coming into this with the right attitude and realistic expectations. That’s what we like. Especially if you’re gravitating more toward the “regular girl” option.

There are clients out there who, after they’ve met with a lady several times, begin to confuse the roles of “girlfriend” and “professional companion.” Boundaries are important. That’s why we’re professionals. People who understand this business get that you can’t distill it down to some pithy one-liner like “Hurr hurr, you don’t pay her for sex, you pay her to leave!” or “Harr harr, only losers who can’t get laid pay for it!” It’s not that simple. And it’s not stupid or insulting to either person involved.

The (Idealized) Girlfriend Experience (GFE)

As professionals (escorts, professional companions, service providers, whatever), we’re compensated not because we can do something a girlfriend could do, but because we can do something a girlfriend can’t. We provide an idealized Girlfriend Experience: the experience of having an AWESOME girlfriend who is horny and fun and interesting and respectful for the entire time you’re together.

A real girlfriend can’t do that. Why? Because you’re around her for more than a few hours. No one can be awesome 24 hours a day. A real girlfriend lives with you (or spends lots of time around you) for days, weeks, months, years. You’ll have serious conflicts. You’ll have minor gripes. Grudges will be held. Disappointments will happen. Working through those things together can strengthen and enrich a relationship and ultimately add to the value and beauty of it.

But let’s be honest. That’s a huge time investment, and a lot of work. And sometimes you just want to skip to the good part–you just want to have uncomplicated fun with a cool girl who’s down to fuck. And that’s why we’re here.

Do u think there is a middle ground out there?

Hah! I’m one step ahead of you. Scroll up.

Also, can someone have too many “okays” on P411?

I’ve decided to answer this question in a separate post.  Check out “Can a Client Have “Too Many” P411 “Okays”? – Client Questions” for my answer.

 

Love the Ones You’re With – Bra Sizes Meme, Improved

Today I saw this stupid post going around facebook:

Stupid meme about boobs and bra sizes
Stupid meme about boobs and bra sizes

Look, I know it’s supposed to be funny, but damn, the shit that passes for “funny” nowadays…ugh. Did you ACTUALLY laugh out loud at that?? I’m guessing not, because there’s nothing particularly witty or clever or comical about it. It’s just a list of cup sizes with corresponding unimaginative, mostly negative descriptors, and the “punchline” is a reference to a 25-year-old infomercial for a safety device marketed to disabled and/or geriatric individuals.

And, as of right now, it’s been “shared” 230,989 times. 230,989!!! That means 230,989 people thought this was funny enough to repost so that all their family and friends and coworkers and ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends, etc. could enjoy it. Wow.

But it’s kind of thought-provoking, too. None of the descriptors are really positive.

Stupid Bra Sizes Meme Exposed

  • The first two (“A – Almost boobs” and “B – barely boobs”) are decidedly negative.
  • The third (“C – can’t complain”) might as well just say “meh, they don’t make me puke.”
  • The next two (“D – dang” and “DD – double dang”) might be positive, and they’re probably meant to be read as a positive assessment of the bosoms in question. But it’s still not exactly praise–I mean, I said “dang” the last time I saw a knocked-down stoplight on Canal Street. I was impressed, sure, but not in the “Wow, that’s amazing, and I can’t wait to bury my face in it!!!” way that I would be upon seeing an attractive set of D or DD breasts (or, for that matter, an attractive set of breasts of any size), but in the “Whoa, that’s shocking, and I hope no one got hurt” way.
  • The next (“E – Enormous”) is neither positive nor negative.
  • Then comes the inevitably disparaging judgement (“F – fake”) of women who choose to surgically enhance their breasts in accordance with what society tells us we SHOULD look like (never forget: we’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t, ladies).
  • On the other hand, women with breasts just one size larger than F are encouraged to undergo major surgery with a significant recovery period (“G – get a reduction”).  What a demanding perfectionist this list-maker must be.
  • And last but not least, women with Hs are the “punchline” of the joke. Har de har har.

Who makes this stuff up, and who thinks it’s funny? People who hate boobs? Young boys who are angry that no woman in her right mind will let him see her boobs? Women who are…angry at their boobs for some reason?

But but but but….BOOBS ARE GREAT!!! Boobs are fun! Boobs of all sizes are a splendorous gift of wonder to those allowed the privilege of seeing/touching/enjoying them.

I get that it’s always hilarious to mock women’s bodies (this is sarcasm, ladies and gentlemen), but I personally think women’s bodies (mine especially!) make life a hell of a lot more pleasurable. Well, for women and their partners, anyway, heh. I suppose strictly-gay men aren’t all that thrilled by boobs, but who knows, maybe some of them occasionally get kinky like that.

So, I made up my own list:

Bra Sizes Meme, Improved

  • AA – Adorable & Adequate!
  • A – Alluring
  • B – Bodacious (tatas)
  • C – Captivating
  • D – Deluxe
  • DD – Double Deluxe
  • E – Exceptional
  • F – Fffffffffffffffffffffff…those are impressive
  • G – Gifted
  • H – Hallelujah

I’m gonna make a quick and dirty meme and see if even ONE person shares it.

If I could get 1/10th of the “shares” as that ridiculously unfunny original one did, I swear I would legally change my name to Boobie Boobzanne McBooberson-O’Boobs (I’m apparently of Irish/Scottish descent).

I love boobs - bra sizes meme improved = AA - Adorable & Adequate! A - Alluring B - Bodacious (tatas) C - Captivating D - Deluxe DD - Double Deluxe  E - Exceptional F - Fffffffffffffffffffffff...those are impressive G - Gifted H - Hallelujah
I love boobs – “Bra Sizes” meme improved

That said, bra sizes are so arbitrary anyway. Sometimes I’m a 34C, sometimes a 32C (once even a D!), etc. And guess what size this “bra” is??

Size Small. And I assure you, my boobs are not.

(OK so yes, I was wearing it as a tube top this summer, but it’s marketed as a “bra.”)

Transphobia on ECCIE

I finally said something about the rampant transpohobia on ECCIE (<—click that for the full thread):

So. The topic is TS providers.

One thing that really, really bothers me about this board is how transgender-phobic so many of the guys seem to be.

Now, don’t tell anyone this**, but I love sex. LOVE IT. I love sex with men, and I love sex with women. Basically, I like to have sex with people I find attractive. And I’m attracted to a pretty wide range of people, especially if they can make me laugh, or think, or give me a bit of lively conversation. I’ve never had sex with a transgender person, but who knows, I might love that too. But if I don’t, you sure won’t find me criticizing other people who do.

Actually, I know quite a few men who are attracted to (and like to have sex with) transgender women. It’s far more common than some of you might think (yeah, for some reason, my guy friends feel comfortable telling me more or less everything pertaining to their sex life and sexuality). They don’t tell anyone this, of course, because of the stigma attached. They’re afraid of the backlash they may receive from other men.

Case in point:

Review: TS Jennifer: Hell of a Time

I find most of the responses to this review to be pretty mean-spirited and immature, and they don’t reflect well on the commenters. And I wholeheartedly agree with this guy’s comment:

Quote:
Originally Posted by downtownguy View Post
You all should be more respectful in your replies, or just don’t reply. I’m sure these comments cause a lot of people to not post ts reviews. The more reviews the safer we all can be.

and this one:

Quote:
Originally Posted by TeddyRuxpin225 View Post
Some terrible replies in here. People tripping all over themselves to come in and declare “not gay!” or how disgusting this is. It’s this mans personal preference and he shouldn’t be belittled or ostracized for it. This may not be my preference, but I welcome his review and others like it since there is clearly some interest in it.

Let’s hear that again, shall we?

Quote:
It’s this mans personal preference and he shouldn’t be belittled or ostracized for it.

I know this kind of behavior is just mirroring the prevailing attitudes in Real Life, but that doesn’t make it OK (obviously), and I think it’s actually, in a way, worse to perpetuate those attitudes here on the boards. So you find it disgusting? Fine then; don’t read the review–there’s a great big “TS” there in the subject line to let you know this is not the review you’re looking for. But by treating a reviewer in this manner, you’re discouraging other men from reviewing their sessions with TS ladies. And that leads to a dearth of reviews of TS providers on the boards, which makes the boards pretty much useless for any gentlemen looking for that experience. And why do we have the boards at all? Isn’t the whole point to keep the hobby fun, safe, and satisfying for everyone involved?

As it is, most TS ladies wouldn’t be able to get access to the Infoshare if they wanted it. Why? Because they can’t get VP status…because they have no reviews…because board members are shamed if they even admit to having met with a TS provider. No wonder guys don’t want to review them!

By being jerks to guys who review TS providers, you’re not just being immature; you’re denying them the same benefits the rest of us get from the boards: most importantly, a reasonable expectation of safety when an ECCIE-active hobbyist with good references chooses to visit an ECCIE-active provider with good reviews.

So stop with the middle-school-esque “OMG-I’m-sooo-grossed-out-by-who-YOU-like” fest, will ya, gentlemen?

**Yes, I’m joking. Tell everyone!!

For the record, this article by Janet Mock (a trans woman and activist) is what got me started thinking about this so much today: How Society Shames Men Dating Trans Women & How This Affects Our Lives

Hah! Listen up, Ignorant Misogynists: Jezebel’s Primer on What Sex Really Does to Your Vagina and…



Because I’m so freaking tired of hearing ignorant, misogynistic jokes about women who enjoy sex regularly, and/or mothers (who have had vaginal births) having “worn out” or “loose” vaginas, allow me to present, for your reading pleasure:

A brief lesson in anatomy:


It’s not the Hallway’s Fault: Jezebel’s Primer on What Sex Really Does (and Doesn’t Do) to Your Vagina and Butthole

You’re welcome!

<3 Annie

Blue Books and Brothels: Storyville and the Legislation of Morality

A while back I met with a gentleman, and one of the topics that came up in conversation was New Orleans’s “sordid” history–namely, the period from 1897-1917 when the city set up Storyville, a red light district where prostitution was legal.

We discussed my fascination with E. J. Bellocq, a photographer working at that time who, despite earning a living photographing (among other relatively mundane things) Catholic school students’ school pictures, was drawn to the…less wholesome side of New Orleans in his art.  He is now best known for his Storyville Portraits, a collection of photographs of Storyville prostitutes taken around 1912, just five years before Storyville was shut down. These pictures weren’t found until after his death, but they’re wildly popular now–so much so that they have completely overshadowed his other work, such as his photos of the opium dens in what was then New Orleans’s Chinatown (now the CBD).

Clara Miller of Mahogany Hall, Prostitute in New Orleans's Storyville
Anyway, a couple days later, after he’d left town, I got an email from him with a link to this site.  It’s a fun little site with lots of info, but I think the most interesting thing about it is the collection of photographs of Blue Books.  Blue Books were basically guides to Storyvile–like the Eros-nola.com of paper.

It’s striking how similar the Blue Books are to the advertising methods used in the industry today.  Look at Clara Miller’s ad–her main selling points are her lovely disposition, her worldly (she’s traveled to Europe) yet relateable (she’s a local girl born near Baton Rouge) personal history, and her eagerness to please (she “can sit up all night if necessary”).  And of course, she’s a beautiful octaroon.  Sounds a lot like an elite professional companion, seeking extended dates, no?

I love the intro, in which the publishers swear that the listings contained in the book are truthful representations of the ladies and services they advertise.  “This book contains nothing but Facts,” they write.  Oh, I wonder how many men were duped by the ol’ bait-and-switch back then.  The predominant business structure in Storyville was the brothel arrangement, where several women worked in a house under a single owner/employer. It was basically the equivalent to today’s agencies. And the brothel owners (Madams) could really submit whatever information, real or false, they believed would attract customers (is this sounding familiar yet?).  I hope they made sure the girls had a chance to read the ads first!


And on that topic, what of the bait-and-switch?  Back then, since the business was legal, I guess situations like that one were much less problematic–it was just a matter of the gentleman saying, “No, thank you, that’s not what I was expecting,” and moving on to the next available lady that struck his fancy.

And what of brothels?  There weren’t really any “independent escorts” in those days; women worked for business owners, who charged them a fee for the room, the advertising, security, etc. (again, like an agency).  This is one of the reasons I’m against “legalizing” sex work–once there are strict regulations, we basically lose all control over how and where we work, and what we do with our own bodies.  Look at the situation in Nevada.  Sure, the brothels are legal, but the women working in them are dehumanized to the point that they are simply equipment, and the laws are such that the person who benefits most from their work is the employer (brothel owner).  The women are not permitted to leave the property (?!????!!!!!??), they are subjected to–and charged for–weekly medical exams*, they must pay rent, a flat grocery fee (regardless of what they eat), and several other miscellaneous fees for services and items they are forced to buy, and they are forced to directly compete with the women they must work and live with for the duration of their stay.  And before they receive their paychecks, the employer takes (from what I understand) about half of their earnings.
Continue reading “Blue Books and Brothels: Storyville and the Legislation of Morality”

Sh*t People Say to Sex Workers

I love this video by Scarlet Alliance SO MUCH, and it cracks me up every time I watch it.

(By the way: the term “Sex Worker” refers to any individual working in the sex industry whose job is to provide an erotic experience for the client. The word is used for escorts, professional companions, travel companions, massage parlor workers, porn actors and actresses, strippers, lap dancers, peep-show performers, and even phone sex operators. I am an escort and a professional companion; therefore, I am a sex worker.)

Sh*t They Say to Sex Workers

 

The ones I hear the most often:

“So, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done?”

Continue reading “Sh*t People Say to Sex Workers”