Wait, But Why? Escort Screening & Verification 101 for Newbies



I’ve written at length about the “how” of escort screening. Right now I’m going to write a little about the “why.”

(Preface: Sometimes I get carried away. If you’re in a rush, you don’t want to hear about my love of 3-legged dogs and my hatred of mayonnaise, and you just want to be reassured that we’re not performing weird witchcraft rituals with your info or selling it to spammers for .0000000001 cent, scroll on down. I assure you, I DO have a point…)



For the Newbies…

This one’s for all the newbies out there ;)

Continue reading “Wait, But Why? Escort Screening & Verification 101 for Newbies”

The UPS Man Brought Me a Gift…Again!

I’m pretty overwhelmed by the sheer generosity I’ve been the recipient of lately.

This arrived the other day:

I got a gift - a surprise Webcam!!  :)
I got a gift – a surprise Webcam!! :)

Someone sent me a surprise webcam!! I’m not gonna say who. But I will say this: he’s smart and sweet and he’s spoiling me already <3 So, thank you! Thank you thank you thank you! Gracias and Merci and Grazie and Danke! You know who you are ;) (I kept it a secret for a few days because I wanted to have something to post this week, haha.)

Love the Ones You’re With – Bra Sizes Meme, Improved

Today I saw this stupid post going around facebook:

Stupid meme about boobs and bra sizes
Stupid meme about boobs and bra sizes

Look, I know it’s supposed to be funny, but damn, the shit that passes for “funny” nowadays…ugh. Did you ACTUALLY laugh out loud at that?? I’m guessing not, because there’s nothing particularly witty or clever or comical about it. It’s just a list of cup sizes with corresponding unimaginative, mostly negative descriptors, and the “punchline” is a reference to a 25-year-old infomercial for a safety device marketed to disabled and/or geriatric individuals.

And, as of right now, it’s been “shared” 230,989 times. 230,989!!! That means 230,989 people thought this was funny enough to repost so that all their family and friends and coworkers and ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends, etc. could enjoy it. Wow.

But it’s kind of thought-provoking, too. None of the descriptors are really positive.

Stupid Bra Sizes Meme Exposed

  • The first two (“A – Almost boobs” and “B – barely boobs”) are decidedly negative.
  • The third (“C – can’t complain”) might as well just say “meh, they don’t make me puke.”
  • The next two (“D – dang” and “DD – double dang”) might be positive, and they’re probably meant to be read as a positive assessment of the bosoms in question. But it’s still not exactly praise–I mean, I said “dang” the last time I saw a knocked-down stoplight on Canal Street. I was impressed, sure, but not in the “Wow, that’s amazing, and I can’t wait to bury my face in it!!!” way that I would be upon seeing an attractive set of D or DD breasts (or, for that matter, an attractive set of breasts of any size), but in the “Whoa, that’s shocking, and I hope no one got hurt” way.
  • The next (“E – Enormous”) is neither positive nor negative.
  • Then comes the inevitably disparaging judgement (“F – fake”) of women who choose to surgically enhance their breasts in accordance with what society tells us we SHOULD look like (never forget: we’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t, ladies).
  • On the other hand, women with breasts just one size larger than F are encouraged to undergo major surgery with a significant recovery period (“G – get a reduction”).  What a demanding perfectionist this list-maker must be.
  • And last but not least, women with Hs are the “punchline” of the joke. Har de har har.

Who makes this stuff up, and who thinks it’s funny? People who hate boobs? Young boys who are angry that no woman in her right mind will let him see her boobs? Women who are…angry at their boobs for some reason?

But but but but….BOOBS ARE GREAT!!! Boobs are fun! Boobs of all sizes are a splendorous gift of wonder to those allowed the privilege of seeing/touching/enjoying them.

I get that it’s always hilarious to mock women’s bodies (this is sarcasm, ladies and gentlemen), but I personally think women’s bodies (mine especially!) make life a hell of a lot more pleasurable. Well, for women and their partners, anyway, heh. I suppose strictly-gay men aren’t all that thrilled by boobs, but who knows, maybe some of them occasionally get kinky like that.

So, I made up my own list:

Bra Sizes Meme, Improved

  • AA – Adorable & Adequate!
  • A – Alluring
  • B – Bodacious (tatas)
  • C – Captivating
  • D – Deluxe
  • DD – Double Deluxe
  • E – Exceptional
  • F – Fffffffffffffffffffffff…those are impressive
  • G – Gifted
  • H – Hallelujah

I’m gonna make a quick and dirty meme and see if even ONE person shares it.

If I could get 1/10th of the “shares” as that ridiculously unfunny original one did, I swear I would legally change my name to Boobie Boobzanne McBooberson-O’Boobs (I’m apparently of Irish/Scottish descent).

I love boobs - bra sizes meme improved = AA - Adorable & Adequate! A - Alluring B - Bodacious (tatas) C - Captivating D - Deluxe DD - Double Deluxe  E - Exceptional F - Fffffffffffffffffffffff...those are impressive G - Gifted H - Hallelujah
I love boobs – “Bra Sizes” meme improved

That said, bra sizes are so arbitrary anyway. Sometimes I’m a 34C, sometimes a 32C (once even a D!), etc. And guess what size this “bra” is??

Size Small. And I assure you, my boobs are not.

(OK so yes, I was wearing it as a tube top this summer, but it’s marketed as a “bra.”)

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, today was a day like any other, except the mailman brought me a completely unexpected gift.

So um…whoever it was who had this new laptop (!!!!!!!!!!!) delivered to me today…

THANK YOU!!!!!


My mind is officially BLOWN.

I…I don’t even…I mean, that’s just the last thing I was expecting to happen today. I cannot get over this, and I will NOT shut up about it (just ask my friends).

Seriously, you are an incredibly generous person and I am so, so grateful for such an amazing surprise. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

And please, please email me. There wasn’t a note attached or anything, so I don’t know who you are. But you’re awesome and I kinda love you right now because OMG SURPRISE NEW LAPTOP!!!!

I’ll write something better when my brain puts itself back together. The shock and the overwhelming awesomeness of today was just too much, hahahaha.

I’m back, I’m bored, and I missed y’all!!

I’d like to apologize for my recent prolonged absence.

No, really. I kind of dropped off the face of the earth there for a few weeks.

Without going into too much detail, I wanted to let everyone know that I recently made a last-minute trip across the country to watch an immediate family member die. This person was estranged from everyone in the family except me for over a decade and had been ill for many years, therefore I have been solely responsible for tying up all of the “loose ends” (paperwork, accounts, bills, legal stuff, etc.) that I now (unfortunately) know come with death. This process has been complicated by the fact that, as his condition declined, he apparently became the victim of identity theft by someone close to him. Anyway, the whole thing has been a nightmare, and for the past few weeks I have put my social life and my dating life on hold so that I could focus on my obligations to him, my daily responsibilities at my workplace, and basic self-care so that I don’t go crazy. Let’s just say I have a new respect for anyone who has ever had to do this while grieving. We should start a club or something. With a secret handshake!!

So, if we had plans, I sincerely apologize. If we were in the process of making plans, please let me know if you are still interested in meeting, because now that I’m back and settled at home, I’m craving some romance and excitement. If not, I totally understand, and please know that my lack of communication was nothing personal. It was simply the result of me prioritizing things that absolutely couldn’t wait, and then recovering from the chaos.

Have a great Thursday ;)

Annie

Pick up the pace, America.

The US is falling behind, y’all. And by “falling behind,” I mean “is stuck in the freakin’ Dark Ages.” I’m not talking about education, or healthcare, or poverty, or any of the usual suspects. I’m talking about the laws that affect sex workers.

Just the other day I learned that a reporter for the New York Times is doing a story on how sex workers in New Orleans have been affected by Louisiana laws. I immediately thought of the SCAN law (in which a sex worker could end up on the sex offender registry for life for merely offering to engage in any sexual act other than vaginal sex, which were considered “crimes against nature”) ruled unconstitutional a couple years back. That’s progress.

BUT…we’ve got a long, long way to go. For instance, this law would give police more freedom to “hassle” women who they suspect are soliciting. And what might cause police to “suspect” a woman might be soliciting? Basically, loitering…while being a woman…with other women around. Yes, that’s exactly what cops need–more license to “hassle,” intimidate, and threaten women.

And, unfortunately, I doubt it will stop here. In an effort to appear “tough on crime,” politicians will introduce more and more laws that go after easy targets–poor women in poor neighborhoods who find their clients in public, on the streets. It’s so difficult to work on violent crime. But it sure is easy to go after street hookers.

And what’s the intended result? I can only assume it’s an image thing. It sure as hell doesn’t really help anyone involved. I’m eager to read the New York Times article when it’s published, but I’ve got a pretty good idea how sex workers in New Orleans have been affected by Louisiana laws: I’m betting many, many lives have been shattered–clients’ lives included–all because, for some reason, consensual sex is only OK if one person isn’t helping the other person pay her rent. Unless they’re married. Or in a relationship. Hey…but doesn’t that make relationships…oh, nevermind.

Anyway, people talk a lot about legalization, but I find the regulation of sex between consenting adults fundamentally flawed. Therefore, I lean more toward decriminalization, or something close to it. But anything’s better than giving police the right to “hassle” women they think look like sex workers. And in most of the developed world, there IS something better. For example, in Australia, the laws vary across the states, with some states having a “legalize and regulate” approach, and some having something a bit closer to decriminalization, with certain stipulations. But there’s no blanket law that criminalizes people for consensual sex in exchange for gifts, money, car rides (yes, that’s in the bill that’s going to Jindal’s office), or what-have-you.

In some of the western states in Australia, sex work isn’t regulated, other than the fact that brothels are illegal. I’m assuming this is because trafficking and exploitation, if it’s going to happen, is more likely to happen in a brothel, where the trafficked persons might be forbidden from leaving the property. That makes sense. In some of the eastern states, the laws are a bit different. For instance, in the state of New South Wales, sex work is legal and regulated. A client can visit a legal brothel (google it–there are quite a few!), call a legal escort agency, or contact the legal independent escort of his choice–and he can do so with confidence.

Why? Because it’s not some shady process of navigating the mysterious system of an underground subculture cloaked in secrecy so as to avoid attention from LE.

And, of course, this makes it easier for the sex workers themselves. An escort doesn’t have to worry about her life being thrown into tumult because a cop decides to “hassle” her while she’s trying to find clients. She can just show up at her workplace (the brothel), or check in with the manager of her agency, or advertise on the internet, and go from there. Since it’s legal, both client and escort are free meet with confidence that, should one or the other decide to try something shady, the victim doesn’t have to be afraid to seek legal/police protection. Doesn’t that make the whole process easier and safer for sex workers and clients alike??

And isn’t safety our main concern? We’re not talking about a violent crime here. We’re not talking about theft. We’re talking about legislating morality, and our insistence on doing so leads to violence, theft, and the destruction of people’s lives.

So let’s take a step in the direction of the rest of the civilized world, shall we?

Oh no!! I’ve got The Plague!!

Camus - The Plague

I’ve got The Plague!! And it’s on my boobs! Why meeeee???

…Oh. Maybe this is why.

Ok, so which one of y’all gave me The Plague?

Just kidding. I know which one of you it was. Thank you! And, while I appreciate your aversion to snobbishness, I can assure you that, unless you had used subject pronouns as object pronouns (or committed an equally terrible offense), I wouldn’t have judged you to be a snob. But I would like to hear your take on the book. Maybe after I finish reading it?

Thanks again for thinking of me ;)

Oh! And Happy French Quarter Fest to all my local clients and friends. Keep an eye out and you might just see me there…

I’m in San Diego!!

…And I’ll be here til Saturday night.

I haven’t traveled in forever, but I’m having fun! If you have any suggestions re: fun stuff to do here, feel free to comment, or email me directly!

Woah! LOL check it out! I got retweeted by someone in San Diego who has a ton of followers:

I got re-tweeted by someone in San Diego about 2 seconds after I tweeted this ;)
LOL

Thanks a Lot, GoDaddy.

To anyone thinking about setting up a website:

AVOID GoDaddy AT ALL COSTS!!

They’re a terrible company, their website’s user interface is horrid, they are lying liars, and their service sucks.

I have about 20-25 domains through them (my sites are hosted with HostGator), and I would like to change that ASAP.

This site was down for over 12 hours on Saturday. Why? Because my domain expired and, despite the fact that I have the billing on auto-renew, they shut my site down without warning. I was so angry I decided I would take that opportunity move my domain to another company…but nope, it was impossible. Not only that, the site wouldn’t let me pay to renew my domain unless I bought all this other crap. I had to call customer service, deal with a rep who talked to me like I was an idiot (and told me tons of things I already know in an attempt to scare me into buying more of their shitty products), and get him to take the unnecessary BS (which couldn’t be removed from my “cart” via the website). AND they didn’t give me any kind of refund or anything even though THEY screwed up and had my site down for 12 hours. Jerks.

(I was still very nice to the customer service rep, by the way. It’s not his fault his job depends on misleading people into paying his crappy employer for sub-par service.)

Anyway, screw GoDaddy. I’m looking into alternatives. Feel free to offer suggestions!

Shout-Out to a Great Friend and Awesome Provider (or so I’ve heard…)

I’d just like to take this opportunity to recommend a friend of mine, Veronica Rose in New Orleans. She’s a highly reviewed provider, and she’s lots of fun. I met her in March of last year at a picnic here in New Orleans to celebrate International Sex Workers’ Rights Day 2013, and we’ve been friends and dog-walking buddies ever since. We have different styles, interests, and personalities, but there are a few traits we share:

  1. We’re both hilarious.
  2. We both love animals. Dogs, especially. Preferably big ones.
  3. We’re both on the shorter/more petite side. (I’m 5’4″ and she’s 5’1″, which makes me feel super tall when we hang out!)
  4. We’re both pretty damn sexy.
  5. We both LOVE our jobs and the people we get to meet through our work. ;)

She’s super outgoing and fun (and yes, I can vouch for the fact that her pics are accurate and current. I just saw her on Lundi Gras, and I doubt she’s changed much in 8 days). Anyway, if you get a chance, check out her website, and if she sounds like the type of girl you’d like to spend a few hours with, you should give her a call (or shoot her an email, whatever).

As for me? I have a dinner date with her tonight (calm down guys–I mean we’re actually eating dinner at a restaurant. This isn’t a euphemism for some kind of sexy pillow-fight-cunnilingus party, though I can’t blame a guy for fantasizing…). But I get to hang out with her for free. ;)

One of the perqs of the job!

Another Gift!! And What a Perfectly Perplexing Present it is!

I received a gift (again, a surprise!) from one of my now-favorite (we’ve met twice since) clients the other day:

Luigi Serafini's Codex Seraphinianus - a gift from one of New Orleans escort Annie Calhoun's favorite clients ;)
Luigi Serafini’s Codex Seraphinianus

It’s Luigi-Serafini’s Codex Seraphinianus. I had it on my Amazon Wishlist for a while, but I never expected anyone to actually choose this, of all things! I’m so glad he did, though. I think it is the perfect addition to the other books on my coffee table: Bellocq’s Storyville Portraits and this coffee table book about Catholic churches in New Orleans. I love watching people’s faces when they sit down and idly flip through the pages of each, speculating on my choice to display these three books so prominently in my living room, and wondering what in the world that says about me, hahaha.

I love Codex Seraphinianus because it’s such a weird book, and I guess it’s only really a book in the strictest sense of the word. It’s more like a piece of art in book form. Continue reading “Another Gift!! And What a Perfectly Perplexing Present it is!”

The most lovely surprise…



So I’ve been thinking that I should blog more often, and it just so happens that a topic arrived at my doorstep the other day.

The problem is, I didn’t recognize it for what it was. Upon returning from the gym, I found a smallish, unassuming package wrapped in cardboard. I brought it inside, placed it on my desk, and a bee-line for the (much needed) shower. Because I order things online often, I receive a few packages a week, so I’m never surprised to find one waiting for me.

I had a vague idea that it might be a new dog toy I’d ordered off of amazon, and since my dog is pretty spoiled, giving her a new gift/presenting her with a new present (sorry, I couldn’t help myself) wasn’t a priority. But I didn’t realize that this particular package contained something special until last night, when I finally opened it and found… Continue reading “The most lovely surprise…”

My thoughts on “No Black Men” and “NBA (No Blacks Allowed)” policies


A few weeks ago, I received the following email:


Good evening Miss Calhoun,

Due to my work I am fortunate enough to be regular visitor to this very lively and storied city of New Orleans. I find its culture and social diversity incredibly inspiring and refreshing. Unfortunately I’ve also found that the city’s acceptance of cultural cooperation and sundry comes to a towering road block when one begins exploring the possibility of retaining a provider. Being relatively new but not completely green to these kind of arrangements I became quickly aware of the circumspection many providers have with concern to dealing with black men, particularly younger black men. I’ve speculated a great many possibilities as to why; knowing many black men having an almost innate instinct to haggle I’d placed that as the primary nuisance. Nevertheless it can be quite dispiriting when delving in attempting to find an adequate match and you see on ad after ad “No Black Men” or “No Black Men” followed by some specific age provision.

Now Miss Calhoun this is not an indictment of you whatsoever and I hope you haven’t taken my note as one to this point. I simply stumbled across your well written blog and had chosen to address you as you seem more than capable of giving me sufficient response.
Continue reading “My thoughts on “No Black Men” and “NBA (No Blacks Allowed)” policies”

Photos I keep forgetting to post…

A few of my friends are photographers (both professionals and amateurs, as a job or as a hobby). You’d think this would work out really well for me, except I always feel goofy trying to “look sexy” for the camera when one of my best friends is the one shooting. But, I’m often recruited to be a model anyway, probably mainly because my schedule permits it.

A couple months ago, one of my friends got some new equipment, and she wanted to try it out. So, she stopped by my place, picked out an outfit for me to wear, and we zoomed off to the location she’d been wanting to use as a backdrop for a while.

It was a tough shoot because one of the things she was trying to accomplish was working in difficult lighting situations and because I was instructed to have a “neutral” facial expression. I got a little bored after a while and I mostly just wanted her to sit down already and join me for a few drinks (she eventually did, haha).

Anyway, you can’t see much, but here are just a couple of the photos she came up with:

New Orleans escorts courtesan Annie Calhoun

annie new orleans escort - outside oct 13 a
annie new orleans escort inside above oct 13 a

annie new orleans escort table oct13 a

new orleans escort annie profile oct 13 a

Well I, for one, am loving 2014…

We’re already 11 days into the new year, and it looks to be a good one from here. I’ve already traveled to visit friends (with another trip in the works), met some really cool new people, and reconnected with a few old friends. Annnndddd…I’ve made my New Year’s resolutions!!

My Resolutions for 2014:

  1. Come up with a daily schedule
  2. This is a big one. Because I do a few things part-time, my schedule is constantly changing, which isn’t very conducive to managing time efficiently. But I’d love to be the type of person who always wakes up, walks the dog, eats meals, and works on projects at certain set times in the day. This is my big goal for this year.

  3. Learn to give a good massage
  4. I admit, I have no idea how to give a good massage. I’ve been told I give a good backrub, but I really have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m afraid my backrubs are more about strength than sensuality. I’d like to change that.

  5. Start painting with oils again
  6. At first I set the goal to do a still life a week. That way, I’d get really bored with still lifes (still lives?) by March, and, having regained my proficiency in painting vases and flowers and books and things, I might be motivated move onto something more challenging. And if not, well then, at least I’d have 52 paintings of vases and flowers and books and things by the end of the year. But now that just seems like too many paintings, and an abandoned resolution in the making. So I’m leaving this one a little hazy for now.

  7. Travel more
  8. Travel used to be a big priority for me, but in the last few years it has sort of fallen by the wayside. I’d like to get out of town and enjoy a short vacation every once in a while.

  9. Finish at least one of my unfinished novels
  10. This one’s self-explanatory.

  11. Read more novels
  12. In 2013, most of my reading consisted of the short fiction in the New Yorker. I would like to get back into the habit of regularly reading full-length novels again.

  13. Make resolutions throughout the year, not just in the beginning
  14. Resolutions: They’re not just for New Year’s Day anymore.

That’s all I’ve come up with so far. I’d love to hear what goals my readers have set! Oh, and if there’s anything you think I should do in the coming year, feel free to comment below. Suggestions are always welcome ;)