Booking Form Woes – Scheduling a Date with an Escort via Her Website

An escort's booking form / contact form on an escort's website

As some of you know, I’ve had a pretty harrowing month. My dog had a cancer scare and had to get 7 masses removed, my car had to go into the shop, I had to remove some asbestos siding from a rotten, termite-damaged exterior wall of my house so that I could have workers come to rebuild said wall, etc. All said, it hasn’t been terrible; it’s just been busy–and emotionally difficult because of the whole dog thing. And I was actually supposed to have a contractor come to start on the Next Big Thing yesterday and finish up by this coming Monday, but Bret and Cindy have delayed that until next week. As of right now (about 2pm on Wednesday), they’ve dropped the Tropical Storm Warning for New Orleans, and we’re only on a Tornado Watch and occasional Tornado Warnings, so I think I’ll answer this question about problems a client might have with the booking form on an escort’s website, and then I’ll go help my friend move.

Hi Annie: My question is advice on the following: I have seen companions before, have a P411 account with multiple references and always do my homework and select my companionship carefully, so what to do when: a woman catches your eye, you read her site & are familiar. You get to the booking form and discover 1. She “strongly prefers men over age X”, and you either aren’t close or are like a year or two away, what to do especially if you’re really interested because she seems special. Or 2: She requires employment info to complete her booking form that you don’t have i.e. work number & direct extension, or link to work website with a a page with your photo, but you have everything else. Thanks for the advice.

Josh

Hey Josh! As a matter of fact, I’ve been thinking a lot about booking forms on escort websites lately. Actually, let me extend that to include booking forms on all adult services providers (pro-dommes, FBSM (full body sensual massage), pro-subs, tantra providers, etc.) websites. Coincidentally, I’m having my own problems with booking forms at the moment. But first, let me address yours. I’ll start with your first question, since that one is first, and chronological order is sexy. What? Shut up, just go with it.

What to Do When an Escort Prefers (Slightly) Older Men

Your specific conundrum: “You get to the booking form and discover…she “strongly prefers men over age X”, and you either aren’t close or are like a year or two away.”

Let me just say that, as long as you’re over 21, age ain’t nothin’ but a number for me. But I understand that’s not the case for many, many ladies. Lots of escorts have age limits, and that usually means “no clients younger than age x”; in fact, ALL providers should–no one should be willing to meet with a client under the age of 18, obviously, and I think it’s smart not to meet with anyone under 21, just in case drinking is involved. However, as you’ve noticed, there are a significant number of providers who have a lower age limit of 30, 40, or 50. And I’ve known escorts whose limit was even higher.

There are a few reasons for this, some of which I wrote about in a previous post: Why do escorts prefer older men?

In my experience, it’s usually one of the following reasons:

  1. The escort does not feel comfortable with very young men for personal reasons.
  2. The escort would not feel comfortable on a date with someone significantly younger than she is.
  3. The escort doesn’t want to be intimate with someone in the same age group as her children.
  4. The escort has a thing for older men.
  5. The escort believes that men under a certain age aren’t likely to be as wealthy as older men, and she prefers to see clients who will ultimately become reliable regulars.
  6. She has some other reason for not seeing men younger than X, and it’s none of our business.

I understand that this can be frustrating for a younger guy. Age isn’t something you really have any control over, and young guys can be amazing clients, too. But when you’re dealing with intimate services provided by another human being, it’s inevitable that their preferences will be a barrier to entry for some.

If it makes you feel any better, keep in mind that, in the world of dating and intimacy, younger guys often have an advantage over older guys. It just so happens that older guys sometimes have an edge in this one.

So, what’s a younger guy to do?

Well, let me start by saying it’s not all on you. In my opinion, if a provider has a “minimum age” policy, she really should state that outright so that younger guys don’t waste their time or get their hopes up. And I don’t just mean including a statement on her booking form. She should really say something to the effect of, “I’m available to respectful, discreet gentlemen over the age of 65” on the front page of her site and in her ad copy. It’s pretty frustrating to think you’ve found exactly who or what you’re looking for, only to realize right as you’re about to book that you’re not eligible, and it’s back to the drawing board.

But there is something you can do.

Option 1: Honesty is the Best Policy

If, as in the example you give, she “strongly prefers men over the age of x” and your age is x-1, you can simply be honest. If there’s a text box in her booking form, politely state that you’ve spent time reading her website and you’re very interested in meeting with her. Mention something specific that attracted you to her, preferably something she has revealed in the text of her website (this shows that you really have done your homework), rather than “I really like your boobs” (which only indicates that you’ve jerked off to her photos). Then explain that, though you’re aware that she prefers men over the age of 30, you hope she’ll make an exception for a respectful, generous 29 year old such as yourself.

Option 2: Little White Lies

Let’s say she has stated that she “strongly prefers men over the age of 40,” and you just turned 39.

Come on. Just say you’re 40. It’s really not that big of a deal. Plus, if you add in all the time you spent as a zygote/blastocyst/surviving embryo/fetus, you’re pretty much 40, right? Maybe your family uses the east Asian system for age. Or maybe it’s just you. And just today. And just while you’re contacting this escort who “strongly prefers men over the age of 40.”

Plus, let’s be honest. Lots of escorts lie about their own ages. I’d even say it’s the vast majority. And, in general, it’s not because they’re ashamed of their true age; it’s because there are many, many men out there who have a really warped perception of age (and weight, for that matter) with regards to women. You say a woman’s 30, and there are 50-year-old guys who picture their grandmothers. And it’s a vicious cycle: because lying about one’s age is such a common practice among escorts, clients start to believe that any escort who claims to be 35 is actually 55. So, many escorts keep that fact in mind when composing ad and website copy, and though they may be 35, they’ll feel pressured to say they’re 25, if only to avoid being assumed to be 55 by jaded clients. (Little do those jaded clients know, there are many, many 55-year-old escorts out there having the time of their lives and making money to boot.)

And then there are the escorts who just aren’t attentive to their ad copy, and have had their age listed as 26 for the past 10 years.

My point is that nudging your age up a year isn’t hurting anyone (as long as age 21 is safely in your rear-view mirror). She did say “strongly prefer,” right? My answer would be different if she had said she has a strict rule against seeing clients under the age of 40, or that she absolutely, under no circumstances, will meet with a client under 40. In that case, I believe it would be ethically problematic to lie about your age, or to use another system of age determination (unless it is the system you normally use for cultural reasons).

On to your second question!

What to Do When Your Info Doesn’t Fit Neatly Into an Escort’s Booking Form

Your next question deals with what I consider to be a UX (User Experience) problem on a lot of websites: required fields on booking forms. Specifically, “She requires employment info to complete her booking form that you don’t have i.e. work number & direct extension, or link to work website with a a page with your photo, but you have everything else.”

I’m assuming this is a problem that can’t be solved by contacting her via email. Honestly, one of my pet peeves is when a website doesn’t provide the business’s contact info, but instead provides a booking or contact form as the sole means of initial communication with the business. And not just for adult service provider websites, either–I see this a lot on websites for contractors and property maintenance and improvement services as well. It’s even worse when, in the example you’ve offered,

  • the form contains one or more required fields that aren’t absolutely necessary to achieve the objective (contact between business and potential customer), or
  • potential customers won’t absolutely always have an appropriate answer to enter into the required fields on the form.



For me, this translates to the following situation:

::Curtain Opens::
It’s 11:30pm, and I’m checking my email for the first time in 2 days (heh). I open an email from a potential client who would like to schedule a date for next Wednesday. For screening purposes, he provides two escorts as references. I hop on over to the first escort’s website, click on “Contact,” and am brought to a booking form. The following internal dialog commences:

Ah, no email address, just a booking form. Wait, maybe it’s just a contact form? Nope, it’s a booking form. Hm. Well, that’s not applicable to me, since I’m not looking to book a date with an escort in Boston or wherever. So much for making yourself available for other escorts to contact you, Sinful Cindy of Cincinnati. You should have a chat with your web designer. I guess I could just fill out her booking form as if I were a client, but with my own info and stuff, and then use the text box to ask for her to vouch for Mr. Shmoe…well no, she has a required field for “work phone” and “provider references”; I’d have to type gibberish into like five of the fields on this form because they don’t apply to me. Guess I’ll click around a bit. Your email address has got to be around here somewhere…nope. Nothing on your site. Hmm. This girl must really want guys to use her booking form. I guess that’s understandable. It sure is annoying having to go back and forth with a guy 20 times in order to get all the information I need from him, including the date, time, location, and duration of the proposed date, plus the screening info I need from him. And the more I have to go back and forth gathering all that info from one person, the longer the process takes, and the more likely it is that someone else will contact me, provide all the info at once, and successfully book with me on the night the first guy wanted. Yeah, come to think of it, this is a great setup Cindy has–I bet she never has the problem of completely forgetting about week(s)-long, back-and-forth email-threads-in-progress because they’ve become buried under 40 new emails that flooded in over the past few days. Wow, I should tell her that. And I will, but first let me find her email address. Maybe it’s on her ads? Nope. Maybe in her reviews? No, that’s just a link to the booking page on her website. Dammit. Fuck it, this is taking entirely too long, and I have like 23 more emails to get to. I’ll just cram my question into the spaces on her booking form, and she can go kick rocks if she doesn’t like it.

::Curtain falls as I, grumbling, type gibberish into several fields of Sinful Cindy of Cincinnati’s stupid booking form::

Fin.

For clients, it can be even more frustrating, because you genuinely do want to schedule a date with the provider, but some of the questions don’t apply to you, so you can’t enter the requested info into each required field.

Look, my fellow/fella escorts and providers: if you’re not going to offer an alternate method of contact, and instead provide a form as the ONE AND ONLY avenue through which people can reach you, then the only fields that should be 100% required on said form are:

  • Name
  • Contact info (email or phone number)
  • Message (a text box)

At some point another escort will want to reach you. It may be because a client has provided you as a reference. Or, you selfish jerk, it may be because she has a client who is interested in a scheduling a double with the two of you, or even because wants to warn you not to see a dangerous client. Don’t make it unnecessarily difficult for her to do something that benefits you.

But I digress. Josh isn’t a provider; he’s a client.

If you find yourself in the situation where the only way you can contact a provider is via her booking form, you have found a savvy provider who doesn’t dick around with the back-and-forth, waste-of-time bullshit that is so characteristic of escorting.

However, if you then find yourself filling out a form that requires you to enter information into fields that clients in many situations would need to leave blank, then you’ve found a provider who either doesn’t understand the business, doesn’t understand people, or she just doesn’t care because she’s not particularly interested in extending her availability to anyone who can’t answer every question on her form. And, unless she has something against independently wealthy individuals or retirees, then that’s pretty short-sighted.

Or maybe she outsourced these decisions to a dumbass who doesn’t know much about escorts and clients. Who knows.

My advice to you is to fill out her booking form as well as you can, and then do what I do with the required fields for which you do not have an appropriate answer: enter placeholders, just to complete the form passably enough for the program to accept the data and deliver it to the recipient.

For phone numbers, sometimes the form’s admin has been generous enough to allow text, and you can enter “Don’t have a work number,” or “N/A,” or something similar. Sometimes the field is numbers-only, and you can type (000) 000-0000. Sometimes they’ve set it so that it will reject that, but you can instead enter a designated fake number that belongs to no one: in movies and TV they always use a number that begins with “555” in order to avoid using a number that could theoretically belong to someone. If the form rejects all zeroes, I usually just type all 5s, just so that the recipient knows immediately that it’s not a real number and they don’t try to call it.

For other required fields, enter “not applicable” or “N/A” or “see message.” If the form rejects that, simply enter gibberish. They asked for it.

And Now, For My Problem…

Guys! This has happened more than once in the past few months, and I need to address it.

When you are entering info into a provider’s contact form, do NOT enter an email address into the “email” field unless it is OK for the provider to use her main email account to contact you via that email address.

You have to understand what a contact form (or a booking form) is. In layman’s terms, a contact (or booking) form is a separate mini-program that provides an automated, secure way to transfer data from one computer to another via the internet. Because it’s an automated thing happening via a non-sentient being (as opposed to a phone conversation, online chat, or email exchange between two humans), the program will generally send a email to let you, the user, know that the info you entered has been received by the intended recipient (the provider, or the admin of her website). It does this by sending an auto-reply message to the email address you entered into the “Contact Email” (or just “Email) field within seconds.

So please, please, please, please, if you do NOT want a provider to contact you via your work email, DO NOT ENTER YOUR WORK EMAIL ADDRESS INTO THE “CONTACT EMAIL” FIELD. The contact form is not a person, and therefore it will not be able to read the message you typed into the text box that says, “Please don’t contact me at the email address I typed above because it’s my work email address. Please only contact me via that email address via the secret, generic email account you keep for that purpose.”

Twice in the past few months I’ve been contacted–via my contact form–by clients who entered their work email addresses into the “Contact Email” field, but then specified that I should not respond to them via that email.

It was especially problematic (in both of these cases) because, not only did my contact form auto-respond to them at the email address they didn’t want to be reached through, but they failed to provide me with any other method of getting in touch with them. So here I am, seemingly ignoring these poor guys after my website did exactly what they didn’t want me to do.

I feel like a major dick, but what can I do? For all I know, they’re already in trouble. I mean I doubt it, because they probably noticed the auto-response immediately and deleted it, and what employer constantly combs through their higher-ups email accounts that meticulously around the clock? But even so, what am I supposed to do now? I’m not going to contact them again at that email address. And I can’t proceed with screening by contacting them with my secret email address with the generic-sounding name and the fake spam-like message, because the client won’t recognize it as having come from me. So it’s just radio silence on my end.

So, to the guy from Texas who wanted to meet with me tonight or tomorrow: Sorry it didn’t happen. I really did want to meet with you. Your job sounds fascinating, and I would have loved to take you up on your offer to share that bottle of wine. I’m assuming that, after you didn’t hear back from me, you found someone else to meet up with–maybe you remembered to give her your personal email address, lol. If not, well…text me, call me, or email me–but use your personal email address so that I can actually respond ;)

Mea Culpa Mea Culpa Mea Maxima Culpa – Old House Woes

Really bad drywood termite damage and rot in a wall of my historic home

Y’all, I am so sorry I’ve been MIA. I’m gonna be honest here–I haven’t even opened my email inbox in like a week. I feel terrible about this. And the worst thing is, I received such nice gifts over the past week–a Dyson vacuum (OMG OMG OMG I have finally achieved the level of luxury of which I’ve always dreamed!!!), a rain barrel for my backyard (yay water conservation!), an absolutely adorable pair of boots that I can’t wait to wear (pics coming soon, once my legs are suitable for photographing), and something else that I haven’t allowed myself to open yet because I first need apologize for being MIA. So. I am really, really, really sorry for my absence and whatever frustration and inconvenience I may have caused due to my failure to read, much less respond to, my emails in several days. I hope you can forgive me.

You may be wondering WTF I’ve been doing that prevented me from spending a measly little hour or three each day corresponding with clients and potential clients. Well. It’s a long-ish story (isn’t it always?).

First, I got the fantastic idea to clear out the storage room/shed/laundry room in the back of my house. If you don’t know already, I bought a historic home in New Orleans (my hometown) about a year and a half ago. The majority of houses in NOLA are pretty old, so I had experience dealing with the quirks of old houses as a renter. If you’ve ever lived in an older home (I don’t mean a mid-century ranch; I mean a house that’s about 100 years old or more), then you know that they’re a pain in the ass. And I knew this one was going to be a pain in the ass when I first walked through the front door. But, never one to choose the easier option, I fell in love with it and bought it anyway.

So yeah, I decided to clean out this back storage room. And while I was doing that, I figured I might as well move the washer and dryer to a place where they made more sense, even though it meant I’d have to re-do some plumbing stuff. So, I started on that…while also still cleaning out the storage room. Of course this just added to the chaos, but I was still ready and raring to go! So full of vim and vigor! So optimistic! And enjoying all the pain and sweat and filth involved!

dirty girl  3-19-17
You should have seen this outfit by the end of the day…

I’m pretty sure this room qualifies as what’s called a “historic addition”–an add-on to the original house that someone slapped on a long, long time ago. And my house, like houses in many of the oldest neighborhoods in New Orleans, has suffered neglect for the past several decades. As I was throwing things away, wiping down shelves, and moving things around, I realized one wall felt particularly…flimsy.

So, I started pulling down the badly-installed, ugly sheetrock that someone nailed onto the studs sometime in the past 10 or 15 years, and found…

Really bad drywood termite damage and rot in a wall of my historic home
Yep, this sucker’s done for.

…really bad drywood termite damage and rot, all throughout the wall. It’s gonna need to be rebuilt.

That was, of course, a bit of a blow. I hunted for the little buggers, but this appears to be old damage from an old infestation that is no longer active, thank God. But just to be sure, I ordered termiticide and applied it to this portion of the house.

To cheer myself up, I decided to go hunting for the original fireplace in my kitchen. There’s a fireplace in the room on the other side, and if you look up into the chimney you can tell it’s joined up with another behind it. The wall bumps out awkwardly in the kitchen, so I’ve always figured the old fireplace was still there. So I started digging, first at the baseboards, then through a couple layers of plywood, until a little avalanche of dirt fell and I saw brick. Woo hoo! I can’t wait to uncover the whole thing and repair it. I think it’ll look pretty cool. I didn’t take any pics because damn, it looks really gross. There’s decades of dirt and grime in that wall. I’m kind of scared to uncover it alone right now because I’ve heard old fireplaces can collapse on people and man, that would be a stupid way to go. Anyway, at least now I had something to look forward to.

So, I went back to the termite wall. The more I thought about it, the more I wondered if the termites had moved on to greener pastures (or more intact 2-by-4s, as it were). One of the walls perpendicular to this one was free of sheetrock and I could see that the studs, etc. were fine. But the sheetrock nailed to the one across from that one–a wall that had once been the exterior wall of the house–made me suspicious. So, I started ripping it down, and I found…

Hidden window

A window!!! Bet you thought I was gonna say “more termites,” huh? Well, I didn’t find any, but I’m having a pro come in anyway. The point is, I have a window I didn’t know about (but kind of suspected, once I had decided to pull the sheetrock down). So at some point this year, I’m takin’ my window back, y’all.



hidden window - my house has a window I didn't know about!
It’s a really weird size, though. Different than all the other windows in the house.
hidden window - my house has a window I didn't know about!
I promise, it’s gonna look really cool when I’m done!



It still looks pretty gross right now, but I promise it’ll be great when I’m done. I need to clean up and repaint the old siding (I’m going to leave it exposed because I think it’ll look a hell of a lot better than sheetrock, plus it maintains some of the historic integrity of the house), and then I’m gonna remove the kitchen cabinets from the other side of that wall and put a window in. That way, my kitchen will look out onto an enclosed porch (it will no longer be a storage/junk room). Oh, and that window will be straight across from my kitchen fireplace, which won’t be hiding behind a stove anymore.

So, it’s been over a week of maintenance, cleaning, assessing damage resulting from years of neglect (grumble grumble), and coming up with various plans to undo some of the “remuddling (a term I’m stealing from this guy, whose blog is awesome, btw) that’s been inflicted upon this poor house over the past century. As it turns out, it’s a pretty difficult (and expensive) task. Ah, if only some moron hadn’t replaced most of the house’s original windows with cheaper windows held up by plastic spring-tension thingies sometime in the 80s–or, for that matter, completely ripped out and walled over the back window, which doesn’t appear to be a standard size. If only they hadn’t decided that drop ceilings were a good idea. If only they hadn’t paved over the brick courtyard/backyard. If only they hadn’t made an awkward mess of the front of the house by bricking over the original facade and the two floor-to-ceiling windows it had.

“Old buildings are not ours. They belong, partly to those who built them, and partly to the generations of mankind who are to follow us.
The dead still have their right in them: That which they labored for … we have no right to obliterate.
What we ourselves have built, we are at liberty to throw down. But what other men gave their strength, and wealth, and life to accomplish, their right over it does not pass away with their death…”

~ John Ruskin 1849

It’s like somebody slapped a coat of spray paint on a Model T and hung a pair of Truck Nutz on the back. And then they snapped off the hood ornament and threw it in the river. And then added hydraulics.

It might take me a really long time, but I’m gonna leave this house in a much better state than what I found it.

I’ve already filled up like 15-20 contractor bags, just in the past several days. And I have to say, as badass and competent and powerful as all this physical labor makes me feel…

I’m over it. I’m ready to feel pretty and sexy again. And I’d kill for a glass of wine and some conversation with someone other than the dogs.

My favorite Cam Model AnnabellePoe and my fave Dallas Escort Savannah Grace

Hello all! Just wanted to give a shout-out to a couple friends. One is an escort in Dallas, Tx, and one is a cam model on MyFreeCams.com. Both are close friends, and I know both of them In Real Life, so I’m not just shilling for some random hussies–I’m shilling for hussies I love!! So, if you’re looking for an escort in Dallas, consider my friend Savannah Grace. If you’re staying in tonight, check out (one of my most favorite people ever) AnnabellePoe on cam.


Savannah Grace in Dallas (Independent Escort)

So, my friend Savannah Grace is a new-ish escort in Dallas. I first met Savannah about a year ago when she was visiting NOLA. A mutual friend put her in touch with me so we could meet up for a drink while she was in town. Well, she ended up just staying at my place, and I’m glad she did because we got to know each other pretty quickly, and now I have an awesome friend in Dallas! Here’s her website (click the pic!):

SavannahGrace.com - Savannah Grace Escort in Dallas Texas

Savannah Grace – Your Luxury Companion – Dallas, Texas




Oh…did I forget to mention that she’s super hot? Because she is, obviously. And also fun. We have a similar quirky sense of humor, but she might be just a little more…boisterous than I am. But just a little ;)


Cam Girl/Cam Model AnnabellePoe

I also wanted to tell y’all about my friend Annabelle, who recently started cam modeling. If you’re not familiar with the “cam girl” world, I encourage you to check it out; it’s fascinating (and apparently, those hot camgirls deal with a lot of the same stigma and ignorance that we escorts do). It’s basically a good old-fashioned “chat-room” (remember those??), except a hot girl is on the screen hosting it via her webcam. It’s free to watch her, but if you make an account and buy “tokens,” you can interact and join in the discussion, participate in games or activities or whatever she’s doing at the moment, tip her when she does something sexy (and Annabelle does do sexy stuff), or even ask her to do a private session, where you can either watch her alone, or you can watch each other via webcams (at least I think that’s how “privates” work–you’d have to ask her). It’s actually a lot of fun; I bought some tokens and I’ve been tipping her all week, lol. If you see someone in there with the name “iheartcostco,” yeah, that’s me, lol.

Anyway, Annabelle and I met years ago through her best friend, and we immediately started hanging out. She’s one of the most treasured people in my life–on my worst days, she can make me laugh, and she’s the perfect person to hang out and eat massive amounts of cheap candy with when your car dies in the Walgreens parking lot at night. This is Annabelle:

AnnabellePoe Cam Girl

AnnabellePoe’s room on MyFreeCams



You can’t tell from the pic, but she has pretty much the perfect body–she’s insanely tall and lean, but with massive boobs. It’s…nice to look at, lol. So go look!

Click that pic above to visit her room. She’s actually in there right now, so if you’re reading this anytime soon, she’ll probably still be around. If not, this is her profile on MyFreeCams: AnnabellePoe on MFC, and she’s @AnnabellePoe77 on Twitter.

Etiquette 101: On a Date with an Escort – What to wear, grooming, conversation, money

This is the Part 3 of my answers to the list of questions sent to me by a young newbie. In Part 2 I addressed phone etiquette with escorts. Today I’m answering some of the questions he had about etiquette when meeting with an escort for the first time. I was eager to get to this one…


My fifth question is if I do finally hit gold. What is the etiquette on the date:

Can I just say I’m thrilled that this 20-year-old man is asking this? Somebody raised this boy right.

So let’s begin, shall we?

  • What should I wear?
  • Preparation: What to Wear to Visit an Escort

    Great question. There’s the old cliche of “clothes make the man,” but like all cliches, there’s an element of truth to it, albeit oversimplified. People judge us by how we present ourselves, and clothes and grooming are a huge part of that. And it’s not that people are shallow (thought lots of people are); much of this is subconscious. Since you’re already working with a limited amount of time when you meet with an escort, it’s probably best to start off on the right foot.

    You don’t have to get dressed up, but it’s best not to look sloppy. First off, wear freshly-laundered clothing. Actually, if you’ve been at work all day, it’s probably best to go home, bathe, and put on a fresh change of clothes. Jeans and a nice T-shirt is fine, but jeans and a nice button-down shirt is better (and can be more fun to take off). If it’s a hot day, think about fabrics–just say no to polyester, or you’ll be sweaty before you even arrive.


  • I haven’t shaved “down there” for a while, but what is the formality. Trim or bare?
  • Playboy magazine's Playmate of the Month for the June 1974.  Dare to go bare?  Hell no!
    Sandy Johnson, Playboy magazine’s Playmate of the Month for the June 1974. I’m pretty sure this was her centerfold photo. Check out that glorious bush!

    Should You Shave Before Meeting an Escort?

    Ah, see…this is a touchy subject, especially for me. I’m gonna try to stay off my soapbox, though.

    It’s really a matter of preference, and despite that fact that, at least in certain circles, “The bush is back,” I think that many people today have a weird aversion to body hair (especially “down there”). A lot of it has to do with fashion and trends. Fashion is cyclical. Just like clothing styles, trends in grooming (like hairstyles, facial hair, and yes, pubic hair) come and go in cycles. The full bush was big (pardon the pun) in the ’70s, as anyone who’s ever found an old Playboy magazine knows. Bare skin has been “in” in the world of porn for a long time, though it seems like that might be changing slowly but surely.

    Trends go in and out of style, and that’s to be expected, but what bothers me is that a lot of people are misinformed and they actually think that pubic hair is unhealthy or not hygeinic. This couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s there for a few reasons, but one of the most important ones is that it helps to decrease the friction of skin-on-skin, so that parts of us that rub together won’t chafe. And though removing it isn’t inherently unhealthy either, I choose not to remove mine and go completely bare. Shaving damages that delicate skin and can cause tiny tears and cuts, and I want my skin to be as intact of a barrier against infection as possible.

    There’s nothing wrong with hair. Some people really, really, really like it, and find a lot of hair to be INCREDIBLY sexy.

    As for me, I do not have a full bush. I do partially shave the general “down there” area, and I trim the rest very neatly. However, as you can see, I am NOT completely bare. I like the way it looks, and since the vast majority of my clients are older gents, they enjoy it too. That being said, there’s no denying that the completely hairless look has been the standard for a while (at least for women) and especially in the adult entertainment industry. Because of that, I think a lot of people–especially younger people–are a bit put off by the presence of pubic hair. So, you might want to play it safe: unless you enjoy shaving and it’s something you want to do, I’d just trim it very neatly to “clean it up.” I’ve seen bad shave-jobs, and that was certainly off-putting. But no escort is going to be put off by a well-groomed (but not hairless) package. Really, the most important thing is to clean very well with soap and hot water–whether you have hair or not–before you meet with a provider.


  • What do I say when I meet them?
  • What to Say When You First Meet an Escort

    “Hi Sally, it’s great to meet you! You look great. Thanks for meeting with me today!”

    Ok, you don’t have to say that verbatim, but I was new to this once, and I was also new to dating at one point, and I know that when you’re in a new situation, sometimes it helps to know what you’re going to say in those very first few seconds.

    Again, this may vary from escort to escort, but I know quite a few escorts, and we pretty much all agree that it’s really best to just be “normal.” There are no coded phrases or actions I expect a client to do when we meet. And what I’ve discovered after escorting for a few years is that the best clients are the ones who are simply genuinely nice people who respect me as they would any other woman they’ve asked out on a date. I’m a person. How would you attempt to put any other person at ease upon first meeting them?

    Well, you’d try to be normal, hence the “Hi.” “Hi” or “Hello” are normal, non-weird things to say when you meet someone, LOL. Then you’d give some standard social nicety (“It’s great to meet you!”). And you’d also do well to be nice. That’s where “You look great” comes in. Y’all know damn well we love compliments. You’re not gonna go wrong by complimenting a woman on her appearance, hahaha. This is a little more advanced, but you’ll do especially well if you compliment her on something \she chose, not something she was necessarily born with, like her cool shoes or her really unique necklace or something. This works best if you genuinely do like the thing you’re complimenting. Last but not least, thank her for meeting with you. This is something you do on non-escort dates, in meetings with professors, in meetings with employers and business contacts, and in various other professional and social contexts. Not only that, but let’s not forget that she has taken a leap of faith by meeting with you, and though it was ultimately her decision to do so, it’s nice to show that you appreciate that.

    At this point, one (or both) of you may want to make sure money is taken care of. Which brings me to your next question…


  • If it’s incall where and how do I place the money? Same for outcall?
  • How to Pay an Escort

    Here in the US, the exchange of money is a little tricky the first time you meet with a certain provider. You don’t know each other yet, so trust hasn’t been established yet. Providers have to worry about a lot of things when meeting with a new client, safety being chief among them. But as far as money is concerned, escorts may be thinking:

    • Why is he handing me the money? Why is he asking how much it would cost for (anal/a threesome/”just” a blowjob)? Is he a cop, or is he working with law enforcement in some capacity? Is he trying to trick me into offering sex for money, or accepting money for sex?
    • Is this guy going to shortchange me? Did he bring $X instead of $2X?
    • Does he even have the money? What if he doesn’t intend to give me anything?
    • Is he going to rob me? At the end of the session, will he jump up, grab the money, and run out?
    • I haven’t had a chance to go to the bank yet, and I have $XYZ in my purse. I really hope he’s not a thief. I better not let my purse out of my sight…

    Of course you, as a client, probably have very similar worries. This is why you do your research on a provider before you decide to meet with her.

    Check her website and/or ad. Many providers will have instructions re: what to do with the money on their websites/ads so that they never have to speak about it with clients on the phone, via email, or in person.

    If you can’t find that info, there are a few pretty standard methods.

    For outcall (the escort comes to you):

    You can put the money in an envelope and place the envelope in plain sight (like on the dresser) before she arrives. You can write her first name on the front of the envelope just to be extra clear.

    You can put the money in an envelope and place it in the bathroom. She will probably excuse herself to the restroom shortly after she arrives, either to freshen up, or because she assumes you have left the envelope in there for her. This method is preferred by many escorts because she can then retrieve and count the money in private and secure it in her purse without feeling awkward because she’s being watched.

    Some escorts like for the money to be laid out in plain sight (like on the dresser), but not in an envelope. This is because they want to be able to see it and count it quickly at the very beginning of the date so that they know that they’re not being shorted. Many providers have been burned by guys who shortchanged them significantly, but they didn’t realize it until they counted the cash in the envelope afterwards.

    For incall (you go to the escort’s location):

    Same as outcall, pretty much. Walk in and place the envelope in plain sight, and don’t really acknowledge it.

    The takeaway:

    Have her money, either in an envelope or slightly fanned/spread out, where she can see it, and don’t talk about it.

    Ok, well…this blog post is getting long, and I’ve covered a lot of ground. Also, I’m kind of hungry. So, forgive me, but I’m going to post it as is, and answer more later. Feel free to comment below with thoughts you’d like to contribute and/or any advice you have!

    Etiquette 101: Calling an Escort and Talking on the Phone – Client Questions

    Escorts 101 for newbies: How to call an escortThis is a continuation of my previous post, in which I shared a list of questions a young newbie sent me a while back. I get questions in my email inbox often (from clients, potential clients, potential escorts, and people who aren’t part of the escort/client world but happened to find my blog and were interested enough to write). At some point I’ll get around to answering all of them. But since this list is from a newbie, and since these are questions a lot of newbies have, I thought it would be good to put this info up for ALL the newbies out there. Also, I’ll admit I was a bit amused by the sense of urgency with which he asked these questions, and I was charmed by his apparent concern for getting the etiquette right when calling an escort on the phone. Good job, Anonymous Newbie. You’re off to a great start.

    I answered a relatively easy question first (Why do some escorts prefer older men?), so if that’s something you’ve wondered about in the past, please check out my extremely short and sweet answer, lol. Also, if you know the artist for the image from The Graduate, please let me know. It looks like it was taken from an original poster for the film. I love that movie, and I love Anne Bancroft in it. Mrs. Robinson one of my idols when it comes to assertiveness and the art of seduction.

    Anyway, today I’m addressing his question about calling an escort–a question that is actually many questions in one. So, without further ado, here are his questions and my answers:


    I wanted to know as an absolute newbie how do I make a date with a companion either from Backpage to P411. From the blog I see you are busy and your time is valuable, however I am not looking for a synopsis but an in depth explanation. So let me clarify on my question.

    First, I wanted to know the etiquette of talking to a companion on the phone.

    OK, here’s where I admit that I’m a little out of my element. I generally am not available on short notice, unless I happen to have had a cancellation. My clients tend to contact me well in advance, and they don’t necessarily need an answer this second. I do understand that not all providers work that way, though. Many providers go to their private incall (or book a hotel room) and devote their entire day(s) to seeing clients. Those providers probably appreciate phone calls because it’s a quick way to schedule something immediately.

    Personally, I don’t like to set up dates over the phone. Why? Because I’m all over the place all day long–rushing to a yoga class, going to the gym, WAITING FOR THE REPAIR GUY FOR THE THIRD DAY IN A ROW (grumble grumble), hurrying to get ready for my day job, etc. If the phone rings, I can’t always drop what I’m doing, pull out my calendar, check my schedule, and then jot down screening info (contact info for other providers, and/or info to verify client identity [within reason], etc.). And sometimes, the only time I really have to do all that is late at night, when it’s not appropriate for clients to call me (or for me to call them).

    So, I much prefer to get all the important info out of the way via email, and then confirm by phone/text as necessary. However, there are times that I may go several days without checking email, and in those situations, I appreciate a call or a text to say “Hey, I’m trying to set something up with you. Can you get back to me ASAP on this?” Some clients (who know me and my tendencies all too well, lol) will even call me first and say, “Hey, I’ll be in town for a conference next week. I’m about to email you my schedule; let me know if you can meet up any of those nights.” Then, as soon as I have a chance to sit down and focus for a few minutes, I can read the email he sent, check my calendar, figure out a time and day that works for both of us, reply to his email, and confirm the day, time, and location of our date.

    That said, I have occasionally set up dates via phone in the past, especially with clients who weren’t very internet/computer savvy. So, I’ll try to answer these questions as well as I can.

  • How do I introduce myself?
  • The same way you’d introduce yourself to anyone else. “Hi, Sally. My name is Joe Shmoe. I saw your ad/website/whatever, and I’d like to spend some time with you later today/next Wednesday/February 29th/whatever.”


  • What can I ask, and what can’t I ask?
  • Well, what do you need to ask? You should know the important stuff before you even contact that girl whose ad you’ve been drooling over. Let’s make a list, shall we?

    Important Stuff You Should Know Before Deciding to Call That Escort

    1. Is she legit?
    2. Is the girl in the ads the same person as the girl you’ll meet on the date?

    3. Is it dangerous to meet with her?
    4. Does she have any problems that have caused her to behave recklessly with clients in the past? Does she attract the attention of law enforcement by being indiscreet about escorting or recreational drug use, or by disturbing the peace? Is she law enforcement?? Is she prone to violence? Has she stolen from or assaulted former would-be clients? These are things you can generally figure out with a little poking around. If there’s not much info about her, well…I guess you have to do a cost/benefit analysis. I don’t advise seeing anyone who is not a well-established provider. But the risks are yours to weigh.

    5. What are her rates?
    6. These will be somewhere on her ad or website. You should not have to ask. If she has them listed on her ad and/or website and you ask her what her rates are, she may become suspicious as to why you’re asking. Perhaps you’re going to try to haggle with her. Or maybe you’re trying to negotiate price for specific activities. She would be right to be suspicious of your motives.

      If her rates aren’t listed on her website, there should be a good reason for that (maybe the site she’s advertising on doesn’t allow her to list her rates, or maybe she’s finding clients via Craigslist personals or Backpage personals, and a list of rates would get her flagged by other site users).


    So, back to your question: What can/can’t you ask?

    Date/Time/Location: You can ask if she’s available on the specific day and time that you’d like to meet. If you’re not sure, you can ask if she does outcalls/incalls.

    Activities and gifts/compensation: This is personal preference, but unless you’re 100% sure she doesn’t mind, you should not ask about sex or money via the phone. She is an escort. If you’re respectful, clean, and nice to her, things will get physical.

    Maybe there’s one specific act you’re looking for, and it’s a dealbreaker if she doesn’t offer it. Still, don’t ask about it on the phone. In that case, you need to either find another girl who explicitly offers that–she might say so on her website, ad(s), or online escort board profile(s), if that’s allowed (though she’s not obligated to do that with you, even if she does it with other clients). But keep in mind that many providers will never explicitly state which activities they “offer.” So, you may need to gamble. By “gamble,” I mean that you book an appointment, place the envelope/gift in plain sight, and see what happens–will she or won’t she be into that thing you really, really enjoy? If you don’t have your answer once things are hot and heavy, you can ask then.* If she says no, there’s your answer. Consider it a learning experience. Now you know she doesn’t offer that–wwell, not to you, at least). If you think it’s important that other guys know that ahead of time, let them know that she did not offer it to you. Remember, “YMMV” (Your Mileage May Vary) applies to every. single. provider. She does not have to participate in the same exact activities with every single client.

    If she doesn’t advertise her rates, I suppose the safest question to ask would be: “What should I bring (for you)?”

    *Communication and consent are SO important. Get used to asking for what you like and talking/checking in to make sure everything’s a-ok during sex. I promise you, it’s cool, it doesn’t break the mood, and most people do it without even thinking about it anyway. Plus, you can learn a lot of new things by communicating with your partner in bed ;)


  • How do I ask about making an appointment?
  • “Hi, Sally. My name is Joe Shmoe. I saw your ad/website/whatever, and I’d like to spend some time at my hotel/your incall/my home with you later today/next Wednesday/February 29th/whatever.”

    You can get all of this out in one blurt. Trust me, this is a lot better than beating around the bush, so to speak. These days, lots of us are pretty awkward on the phone with strangers (ahem, not that I am one of those people…OK FINE, I AM), and those weird clumsy silences can be painful. Just say hello, introduce yourself, and tell her when(day & time) and where (your hotel or neighborhood, or her incall) you’d like to meet. She’ll either accept your invitation, or she’ll ask for an alternative day/time.

    Then, if she’s smart and cautious, she will screen you. More about this later.


  • How do I ask about the donation amount and how they want to receive it?
  • Again, her rates should be posted somewhere on her ad or website. If you can’t find them anywhere, proceed with caution. Use careful phrasing. I would ask, “What should I bring for you?” If she’s clueless as to what you mean by that (and oh lord, I really hope she catches your drift because otherwise I’d begin to doubt her mental competency), you can ask something like, “What should I put in the envelope for you?”

    As to how the provider wants to receive her money, I can’t speak for everyone, but I like it to be in a plain white envelope in an easily-visible, obvious location when I arrive. It’s also nice to put my name on it ;)


  • How do I ask where to meet, whether in call or out call?
  • Again, that will usually be on her ad or website. Some providers (like me–I don’t host) only do outcalls. Some providers (like a few friends of mine, who’d rather stay in one place) only do incalls. In my experience, clients usually know where they want to meet. The vast majority of the time, they know I don’t do incalls, because I make that pretty clear on most of my ads/profiles, etc., and that’s perfectly fine with them, because they don’t want to leave their fancy hotel (and I don’t blame them!). But every once in a while someone will contact me and assume he can come to me. Alas, that’s where he and I part ways, because I have no plans to host clients at a private incall location anytime soon.

    If you don’t know whether she provides incall, outcall, or both, then decide what you’d prefer, and ask for that.

    If you want an outcall: “Can you meet me at the Ritz Carlton at 8pm tonight?” You can give her your room number then, or if you’re feeling chivalrous (or the elevators require keycard access), you can ask if she’d like to come directly up to your room, or if she’d rather you to meet her downstairs in the lobby, or out front of the hotel, or at the bar. Keep in mind that her time starts when she meets you. So, if you decide you’d like to chat over drinks at the bar for 45 minutes before heading upstairs, you should either prepare for a quickie, or ask if you can pay her for more time.

    If you want an incall: “Can you host?” If she says yes, then ask her for her location. Easy peasy. Some girls do a two-call system: She’ll first tell you the general area (like her apartment complex, her hotel, her neighborhood, or her street), and she’ll tell you to call her back once you get there so that she can give you the exact address/apartment number/room number.


  • How do I know if it is a cop on the other end?
  • You don’t, unfortunately. Cops can and do lie. They do that (and worse) to sex workers all the time. I wish I could tell you otherwise. I wish I could say there was a foolproof, fail-proof trick to tell whether you’re talking to a cop or not. But I can’t.

    The best you can do is to be smart and careful. Do your research. Has she been around for a few years, as is evidenced by an active website and/or blog and/or social media accounts and/or activity on online boards (TER, ECCIE, etc.) and/or reviews? If someone’s maintained an active online presence for years, it’s pretty unlikely she’s a cop. But I guess anything’s possible, and you really never know. I can’t promise anything. That’s why a lot of clients find a provider they like and stick with her.

    Please don’t go out there calling the numbers on random, thrown-together ads willy-nilly. I don’t want you to get robbed or arrested. If all you suffer is a simple bait-and-switch, consider yourself lucky. Do your homework!


  • How do I ask for them to verify me as I have no references?
  • She’ll ask. When she asks for references, tell her you have none because you’re a newbie. She might want to verify you via employment verification. She might just Google your phone number. She might not screen you at all. Let’s hope you find providers who care enough about their safety to do some sort of screening.

    You mentioned that you’re on P411, but you don’t have any “Okay”s yet because you haven’t seen any providers yet. Some providers will see you anyway, because they know your identity has been verified by P411.

    The level of screening can vary quite a bit from provider to provider. Many will ask you for provider references (contact info of providers you’ve previously met with who can vouch for you). Some require employment verification (they may want to make a quick call to your office while you’re there to make sure that yes, you really are Dr. Joe Shmoe, podiatrist, and not Creepy Carny Clyde, the drunken tilt-a-whirl operator who just got out of prison for the attempted murder of his ex-wife). If she’s like me, she’ll prefer to do this via email, and she probably has a boring, unassuming email address that she uses for that purpose only. Others may simply check your phone number to make sure no one has posted an urgent warning about you, Clyde.

    To learn more about screening and why we do it, check out Wait, But Why? Escort Screening & Verification 101 for Newbies

    December 17th 2016 International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers

    It’s December 17th, which means it’s International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers.

    I only have about 18 minutes to finish this blog (and then it’ll be December 18th, which is nothing special, other than the fact that it’s my best friend’s birthday, which is very relevant in my world, but not so much in yours), so I’ll make this quick:

    This is real. We are your friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, and lovers–all of those, past, present, and future. Sex workers are everywhere. Worldwide.

    These are the ones we lost in 2016.

    Someone you know is a sex worker.

    How can YOU fight violence against sex workers?

    Well, there’s the obvious: don’t assault, rape, or kill sex workers. But that’s easy, because you, Dear Reader, aren’t the type of person to do that anyway, are you?

    But are you the type to laugh at “dead hooker in a trunk” jokes?

    Are you the type to perpetuate the “strippers have daddy issues” trope?

    Do you support the criminalization of sex work?

    Do you perpetuate the harmful stigma surrounding sex work, and the media images that portray us as either sexual deviants or passive victims?

    Maybe you should, in your own way–whatever that may look like for YOU–promote the idea that sex workers are people, sex work is real work, and we deserve the same basic respect that is extended to any other people doing any other work.

    Even if you’ve never “met with” one of us, look around. Someone you know is a sex worker.

    It’s #GivingTuesday! Give to causes you love!

    Today is Giving Tuesday, and just in case you’re feeling generous, here are some causes I very passionately support. Click the organization’s name to go to their website to donate.

    Bonus: If you schedule an appointment with me today or tomorrow and make a donation of $50 to one of the causes I support, you can take $50 off the total “donation” to me.

    • Youth BreakOUT!

      Their website is getting a makeover right now, but I can vouch for the fact that this is an awesome organization that has been fighting the criminalization of LGBTQ youth in New Orleans for years.

    • Women With a Vison – New Orleans

      You’ve probably heard me talk about them in the past. Here’s a bit about them from their website:

      Women With A Vision, Inc. (WWAV) is a community-based non-profit, founded in 1989 by a grassroots collective of African-American women in response to the spread of HIV/AIDS in communities of color. Created by and for women of color, WWAV is a social justice non-profit that addresses issues faced by women within our community and region. Major areas of focus include Sex Worker Rights, Drug Policy Reform, HIV Positive Women’s Advocacy, and Reproductive Justice outreach.

      Women With a Vision is the organization that ultimately got the Louisiana Crimes Against Nature by Solicitation law–a law that required anyone convicted of offering oral or anal sex for money to register as a sex offender FOR LIFE–changed, and got hundreds of names removed from the sex offender registry. If that’s not a win for sex workers, women, LGBTQ people, and fairness in general, then I don’t know what is. Check out their website for other awesome stuff they do/have done.

    • The Louisiana SPCA

      I love the LA-SPCA. They do everything from low-cost (sometimes free!) spay/neuter and vaccinations, to investigating reports of animal cruelty, to taking down dog fighting rings, to providing free dog food to low-income households or homeless individuals who need to feed the dogs in their care, to taking in unwanted dogs and providing them with food, shelter, medical care, a home if possible, and humane euthanasia if not. I support them because they do the dirty work that is a consequence of other people’s failure to take responsibility for their animals. Also, if you’ve lost a pet and you go up there to make a report and chat with the people at the front counter, you’ll see that, in addition to all the regular work duties they have, they spend their spare minutes of the whole damn day checking Craigslist and various Facebook pages and groups for missing pets in an effort to reunite pets and their owners. That’s pretty damn cool.

    • Humane Society International

      Street dogs are a huge problem in the developing world. Rabies kills tens of thousands of people each year, and the vast majority were infected after being bitten by dogs. Street dogs contribute to unsanitary conditions in places with substandard water and sanitation access, and vehicular accidents (and human deaths and injuries) by roaming the streets.

      And that’s just the effect they have on the human population. I’m not the type to prioritize the needs of animals over those of people, but I do think that we have an ethical obligation to prevent the suffering of the animals we interact with every day. Street dogs die of horrific diseases (in addition to rabies, there are other painful infections like parvovirus, heart worms, distemper, etc.), starvation, traumatic injuries, intentional and unintentional poisonings, and violence perpetrated by humans. But because the dogs are either stray or owned by families for whom spay/neuter and vaccination are cost-prohibitive, no matter how many die, there are always tons more sick, starving animals roaming around. In some countries, citizens are encouraged to shoot strays or kill them in whatever way gets the job done, but this doesn’t come close to solving the problem.

      Humane Society International is working on spay/neuter and vaccination programs for street dogs in developing countries and encouraging better relationships between humans and the street dogs around them. Even if you aren’t a dog person, this is huge: spay/neuter reduces the amount of nuisance animals, and vaccination programs reduce human deaths from rabies. And encouraging empathy for other sentient beings can only have good effects in the community. Everybody wins!

      In addition, Humane Society International works to shut down puppy mills, implement more humane living conditions (and more humane slaughter) for livestock and working animals, and all kinds of other good deeds. Like I said, I am realistic about the plight of animals in the world, but I believe that we should work toward systems that prevent and/or limit the suffering of the animals we eat, use, and profit from. This attitude gets me in trouble with a lot of people, strangely enough.

      Anywayyyyy…on to another organization that promotes a worthy cause that many, many people vehemently oppose:

    • SWOP-USA (Sex Workers Outreach Project USA)

      From their website:

      Sex Workers Outreach Project-USA is a national social justice network dedicated to the fundamental human rights of people involved in the sex trade and their communities, focusing on ending violence and stigma through education and advocacy.

      On the national level, SWOP helps build stronger communities and a stronger movement through technical assistance, funding, and direct support and advocacy. On a local level, our chapters address structural, cultural, and interpersonal violence individuals in the sex trade face by working to change attitudes, change policies, and create alternative community-led systems of support.

      One of these days, the US will come to its senses and decriminalize sex work.** Then, and only then, will all escorts, street sex workers, full-body sensual massage practitioners, fetish pros, et. al. be free to work safely and without fear of exploitation, violence (in the form of not only assault, but arrest/imprisonment as well), or the life-altering affects of being “outed.” Sex workers will have financial opportunities that are currently all but closed to us (home ownership, securing loans, starting small businesses with employees and payroll). Maybe we’ll even be able to unionize for health benefits! Wouldn’t that be something?

      But today is not that day. Until then, we have organizations like SWOP-USA and Desiree Alliance for the purpose of organizing, networking, activism, and advocacy. Oh, and Amnesty International, which supports full decriminalization of sex work.

      **Sidenote: If you’ve never heard me talk about decriminalization of sex work (maybe you’re new here? LOL) and you’d like to read a long, angry screed er…impassioned tirade, check out my Open Rant to Sexwork Prohibitionists Everywhere or my client-prompted explanation of decriminalization vs. legalization.

    • Desiree Alliance

      As I mentioned above, Desiree Alliance is one of the organizations that advocates for sex workers and promotes activism for sex workers’ rights in the US and beyond. They also hold a national conference every two years. I attended the Desiree Alliance conference in Las Vegas soon after I started working as an escort, and it kinda changed my life. From their site:

      Contribute to the Scholarship Fund to assist with Desiree’s commitment to social justice, inclusion and leadership for all sex workers from the most to least marginalized among us. These social justice efforts are central to Desiree’s mission and to the sex worker movement in general. ANY amount is greatly appreciated as a token of your support for social justice in the sex workers movement.

      You can donate to Desiree Alliance here.

    More on my “Philanthropy and Causes” page.

    Happy Halloween! Help me choose a costume?

    Happy Halloween!!

    As you may know, Halloween is kind of a big deal here in New Orleans.  Costuming and general mayhem–tomfoolery, hijinx, shenanigans, and especially debauchery–isn’t just encouraged; it’s almost required, to nearly the same extent as Mardi Gras. I guess you could say it’s on par with New Year’s Eve (also a Big Deal in NOLA).

    However, I’m in a bit of a predicament. Tonight is Halloween, and I still don’t have a costume. I’m about to head out to hit all the local costume shops in a last-minute attempt to throw something together, but I can’t decide which ultra-offensive, lazy cliché of a costume I should don this year for All Hallow’s Eve. So, I invite you to vote on it. I’ve narrowed it down to two choices.

    Stupid, whorephobic, and/or generally misogynistic costume ideas for Halloween:

     

    • Dead Hooker: Hurr hurr because sex workers aren’t people, and a dead hooker stuffed in the trunk of is car are an easy punchline that won’t make normal, respectable folk uncomfortable (unlike “dead kindergarten teacher/nurse. stuffed in the trunk of a car”). Hah!The “Dead Hooker” costume is an especially popular choice among women who have procrastinated for weeks and now, a few hours before the Halloween festivities start, find themselves needing something last-minute. Here’s an example. And another. (For what it’s worth, these girls seem like perfectly nice people, and this “costume” idea is so common that I don’t hold it against them. I’m only singling them out because their pics were some the first that came up when I Googled).

    • Geisha Girl: Oh, cool! Asian fetishism and disrespect for highly-trained sex workers? In one costume?!? Sign me up!
      Sexy Geisha Girl costume
      So authentic!!

      True Story: I once went out on a date with a girl who was dressed as a Geisha for Halloween. During said date, she informed me that she had “thought about it and decided that [she] might be OK with dating someone who does what [I] do for a living.” How flattering. :\



    Hmmm…decisions, decisions, right?  Come on, help a gal out! Give me a little direction here! I’ve posted a poll on Twitter:

    …or you can tell me which you like better (or suggest something else) in the comments section below!

    Now Offering Doubles with Lily Kat Wood!

    Sometimes clients contact me for doubles sessions (sessions with two providers and one client–essentially a “threesome,” if you will), and I’ll admit that I’m thrilled when this happens.  I absolutely LOVE doubles sessions.  Usually, if the client doesn’t already have a lady in mind, I’ll ask him to take a look at some of the ladies on Eros New Orleans and ask whichever lady interests him if she’d like to join us.  If not, then I’ll ask around for him.

    However, a few days ago I had the pleasure of meeting Lily Kat Wood (see her Eros ad here, and her TER profile here).

    Lily Kat Wood - Escort in New Orleans
    Lily Kat Wood (click the pic for her P411 profile)

    We met up, had a few drinks, and we really hit it off!  She is gorgeous and classy, and I felt like a real frump next to her–I had biked over to meet her after having worked on a home improvement/art project all day, and I was covered in this gross adhesive stuff and grout, not to mention sweaty from biking in the heat.  She didn’t seem to mind though, lol.

    Anyway, we got along well and have a lot in common, and we decided that we’d love to entertain clients together (those who think they can handle both of us at once, that is) here in New Orleans.

    So, I’d like to formally announce that she and I are now offering doubles sessions to interested gents.

    Are you one of them?

    …Will you be our first?  ;)

    Ever hear of the Baby Dolls of Mardi Gras? Or Black Storyville?

    Some of you might know that one of my personal goals is to never, ever stop learning (this is why I sometimes need to schedule dates around classes I’m taking, even though I’ve finished school).  And some of you might also know that I love local history, especially the history of the “adult professions” in New Orleans. I’ve written a bit about the era of Storyville in New Orleans.

    Storyville was the red-light district of New Orleans between 1897 and 1917, and it was just across Rampart Street from the French Quarter. Of course, the “ladies of the evening” had been working in that neighborhood long before then, and its closure didn’t stop them–as Martin Behrman famously stated upon learning that the Navy had ordered the district shut down, “You can make it illegal, but you can’t make it unpopular.” Storyville is, of course, a fascinating topic, and it’s a neverending source of subject matter for a variety of stories and films set in New Orleans, both fiction and nonfiction. But it isn’t the end-all be-all, even for its time period. It’s actually just a small part of the story.

    New Orleans is a diverse city, and it always has been. In Storyville, white gentlemen could visit white, black, or creole “ladies of the evening” in small rooms they’d rent called “cribs.” But Black men weren’t allowed to visit these ladies Storyville. In fact, Black men in Storyville were usually there to perform as musicians–they weren’t allowed to play, as it were, with the ladies of Storyville, but they could play for them and their clients.

    So, what was a Black gentleman to do? Well, just uptown there was a neighborhood called “Black Storyville” where he could find a lady willing to spend a little time with him for a price. It wasn’t technically legal (like it was in Storyville), but officials turned a blind eye.

    A sort of Mardi Gras rivalry between the ladies of Storyville and the ladies of Black Storyville developed, and the Baby Dolls tradition grew out of that.

    Book by Kim Marie Vaz - The Baby Dolls
    And lucky me! Knowing how much I love local history (especially parts of it that aren’t so well-known), one of my sweet clients bought me a book all about it: The “Baby Dolls”: Breaking the Race and Gender Barriers of the New Orleans Mardi Gras Tradition, by Kim Marie Vaz of Xavier University of Louisiana and published by LSU Press.

    It’s a really fun and fascinating read about a subject most people don’t know much about. Highly recommended to anyone who’s interested in learning more about the history of New Orleans, and much appreciated by me. So thank you–you know who you are ;)

    Meet the Best Stripper in the House

    Just working on my house on this rainy Wednesday, stripping layers and layers of old paint from some old baseboards and trim.

    But at least I’ve got some sexy company…

    Citristrip is the best stripper in the house--my house!
    Some strippers have a bit of an orange cast to them…but this one can really pull it off!

     

    In case you were wondering:  yes, this blog post is mostly an excuse to procrastinate.

    Aaaaannnndddd I guess now I’m out of excuses.

    Well, back to the grind. Feel free to rescue me from the doldrums of boredom. I assure you, I won’t mind if you steal me away from this for a few hours–it’s really not that sexy.

    Would “legalization” lower escort rates? Client Questions

    Recently, on one of the local internet forums, I came across the following question from a client. Never one to pass up a conversation even tangentially related to the criminalization of sex work, I started to answer his question, but my explanation quickly grew and kind of veered off-topic. So, I decided to post it here instead.

    I wonder though, that if sex work was ever legalized, if the value of your time would decrease? Just a question… As supply increases, demand lowers.

    My answer:

    This is a great question.  The short answer is “probably.”  But…

    Here’s the long answer:

    There’s a huge difference between legalization and decriminalization. 

    Legalization

    In legalization, our work is legal, but only under certain conditions determined by the state.  The problem with this is…well, just look at Nevada. Well, no. First, let’s look at Storyville.


    Historic Marker for Storyville, New Orleans (Red Light District).  Sign reads: "Created 1897 and closed 1917, New Orleans' famous legalized red-light district was in this area.  Among many great jazz musicians on the scene here were "King" Oliver, "Jelly Roll"" Morton, Louis Armstrong, Tony Jackson, and Jimmie Noone."
    God forbid we mention of the actual sex workers, whose work was the entire purpose of the district.

    Storyville: The “Red Light District” Approach, Exploitation, and a Two-Tiered Legality

    As much as we in New Orleans (myself included) romanticize Storyville, New Orleans’s legal red light district between the years of 1897 and 1917, legalized prostitution was similarly problematic back then. Women were only permitted to sell sexual services in one part of town. A girl could not legally, say, meet a client in her own home, negotiate a price, and accept payment for the time she spent with him. The only legal way to accept payment for her erotic labor was to pay a brothel owner/manager in Storyville for the privilege of working there, and pay grossly inflated rent prices to the building owner, who rented out “cribs” (tiny closet-like rooms for the purpose of prostitute/client meetings and transactions) to working girls by the day. Needless to say, lots of people got filthy rich between 1897 and 1917, and most of them weren’t the actual working girls.

    OK, now jump forward 100 years and to the West 2,143.9 miles (according to Google Maps), and let’s talk bout Nevada. In a couple of counties, full service sex work is legal, but only in licensed brothels.  Workers must also go buy a license from a government office ($$, and the worker’s information becomes public, btw), and they can only work for a brothel that has permission from the state.  While working for the brothel, they cannot leave the premises.  They must also

    1. pay for rent and meals at the brothel–you’re not allowed to get an apartment or buy your own groceries,
    2. pay for weekly trips for STI tests at a doctor the state has chosen for that purpose,
    3. pay for the van trips to that doctor,
    4. allow the brothel owner to see their medical info before they can,
    5. give up (I think) half their earnings to the brothel owner, and
    6. rely on the brothel owner for pretty much anything they need for work, which means prices are inflated, etc.

    Basically, it becomes a get-rich-quick scheme for the state, the brothel owner, the doctor and his/her staff, and everyone but the people doing the actual sexual labor.  Ironically, one of the justifications given for this type of system is that providers need protection from exploitation (“pimps”). So, instead of allowing a provider to work independently (advertising, screening, negotiating with and meeting clients without anyone else interfering in that process), the state requires the use of a 3rd party, who is involved in (and profits from) the transaction.

    Criminalization of the Most Vulnerable, Legalization for the Privileged

    And let’s not forget the fact that not everyone will be able to afford that license or all the fees required to get start working at the brothel (licensing fees, transportation costs, required brothel-owned transportation service from airport to brothel, required up-front rent, required up-front food money, etc.).  Nor will everyone who wants the job be hired to work in the brothel. 

    So basically, there are a few people who can work legally, as long as they give quite a bit of their earnings to a bunch of people who don’t have much to do with the actual work being done.  And everyone else goes to jail if they get caught.

    This is only one form of legalization, but it shows how problematic legalization can be. On the surface, it sounds great, especially to those who have no experience working in this business or meeting with escorts. Keep hookers hidden away from good, regular folks in society? Great! Force them to be tested weekly? Awesome–lord knows they’re vectors for disease otherwise! Require that they work under the supervision of a babysitter who knows what’s best for them? Fine idea! Mandate a government-issued license to fuck? Sounds logical to me! (This is sarcasm, in case you can’t tell).

    In reality, there are several problems with the “legalization” type of approach. As I said before, those who are most vulnerable (poor people) will not be able to afford to work legally, and will continue to work illegally and suffer the consequences. And providers who may not be the brothel owner’s “type” for whatever reason (race, age, body size, looks) will also not be able to work legally, and will continue to work illegally and suffer the consequences. I don’t think it’s fair to set up a system that punishes poorer, or fatter, or older providers for doing the same thing their wealthier, thinner, younger counterparts are doing, nor is it an improvement on the system we already have.

    In addition (and to me, this is the most important part), I think it’s flat-out wrong for the state to legislate who can fuck whom, as long as everyone is of legal age and is consenting. It is absurd to say that it’s OK and legal for consenting adults to have sex for this reason (love, horniness, the desire to get back at an ex, etc.) but not that one (the need to pay one’s rent or phone bill, the desire to buy a fancy new dress, etc.).

    Decriminalization: What Sex Workers Want

    Now, with decriminalization, it’s no longer illegal to trade sex for money.  You can pay for it.  You can sell it.  As long as both parties are of legal age and consenting, it’s your business.  There will still be certain regulations, of course, but no new laws need to be made, because laws covering those issues already exist. For example, most rational people would object to allowing the buying and selling of sex in a park or at the grocery store. Well, we already have laws prohibiting public nudity and public sex. The same goes for forced sexual labor–we already have laws against rape.

    What most individuals working in the world of erotic services want is decriminalization, because then it ceases to be illegal for providers to do the work they do.  And it ceases to be illegal for our clients to…well, to be clients.* All we want is to have the right to have the same sexual encounters that everyone else is free to have without fearing arrest because someone leaves us a little monetary compensation for our time and attention.

    *Please don’t confuse decriminalization with the “Nordic Model.” Advocates of the “Nordic Model” will often use the term “decriminalization,” perhaps out of ignorance, or perhaps in an attempt to obfuscate the truth–that the “Nordic Model” is almost universally opposed by sex workers themselves. The “Nordic Model” takes an “end demand” approach–sex workers are no longer criminalized, but clients are. Obviously, that’s a really shitty situation for us–would you want the purchase of your products and/or services to be criminalized? Do you think a doctor’s practice could succeed if it were illegal for patients to visit? What about financial advisers? How profitable would that business be if it were illegal to seek financial advice? What if it were legal to sell alcohol, but not to buy it? Do you think bartenders would feel “safe” and “protected,” or would they just want to go back to slinging beers to their law-abiding customers in peace? You see, we do want to right to work without fear of arrest, but we don’t want our clients to be criminalized. Not only would we have a more difficult time finding clients, but when there’s that much of an imbalance re: risk of arrest (as in, we would be taking no risk by meeting with clients, but they would be risking arrest every time they chose to visit an escort), all kinds of unexpected consequences arise. And of course, the majority of them ultimately put sex workers at risk.

    The Rates Question

    So, your question was whether our rates will have to drop if and when this work is legalized.  Legalized?  Well…probably not.  Legalization comes with all kinds of “you can do this, but…” caveats, and those caveats cost lots of money.  Those brothels in Nevada?  Those girls’ rates aren’t cheap, unless they’re desperate because they owe the brothel owner $$$.  Decriminalized?  Maybe.  Once there’s no fear of arrest, there will probably be more supply–more people will join the profession.  But remember, there will also be more demand.  Less people will be afraid of visiting a provider.

    I have a feeling our rates would have to drop some…or at least, many of us would have to drop our rates somewhat.  However, that’s a small price to pay for being able to work without worrying that you’ll be arrested and lose everything you care about–your home, your day job, custody of your children, maybe even friends and family.  And it would almost certainly be easier to meet with clients safely because I’m betting clients would be more willing to hand over the necessary screening info if they could be sure we weren’t cops posing as providers for a sting.

    Equal Power, Equal Protection

    Just think about it…No one could threaten to “out” us (clients or providers) to the cops.  If a provider stole from you, you could go directly to the cops and report the incident without them giving you a hard time.  If a provider was sexually (or otherwise) assaulted by someone she met with, she could report it without worrying about being arrested for the type of work she does.

    The “But Taxes!!!” Argument

    People bring up taxes as justification for legalization. Many, many, many of us already report earnings and pay taxes.  Of course not everyone does, but that’s common in lots of service industry jobs (waiting tables, bartending, etc.) and lots of informal labor (babysitting, cleaning houses, fixing people’s computers in your home, etc.). Decriminalization would make it even easier to do that–either as a business owner (independent provider), or as an employee at an agency or brothel (depending on how it’s done, a provider could be an independent contractor or a regular old employee).  Imagine if doing taxes was as straightforward and easy as walking into one of those tax prep places in a strip mall and saying “I’m an escort. Here are my receipts for the year. I saw this many clients and made this much money and spent this much on advertising and supplies.” So many providers would find it a lot easier to, I dunno, be approved for a mortgage and become property owners so that they have something to show for all the work they’ve done over the years, and a real asset to hand down to their children or to cash in on when they retire. Wouldn’t that be nice?

    “Sexually Deviant Fallen Women” or “Desperate, Misguided, Helpless Victims”?

    For as much as society loves to either demonize us or paint us all with the “poor, helpless victim” brush, they sure don’t seem willing to do the one thing that would actually empower us–that would enable us to show that we are so, so much more.

    Update as of 3/2017:

    I’ve recently come across the writings of Missy Mariposa, a former independent escort-turned-legal brothel worker at Sheri’s Ranch. Her experience at Sheri’s Ranch has been overwhelmingly positive, and doesn’t resemble the restrictive and exploitative environment I imagined. I fully admit my image of brothel work was based on a couple episodes of a reality show I saw way back when, and a few descriptions I had read by workers at another legal brothel in Nevada (not Sheri’s Ranch). Missy has fully embraced brothel work, and she explains why in this post: Why I hung up my heels as an independent and embrace the brothel. Color me enlightened!

    Story Time! ~ Annie and The Case of the Missing Gifts

    Story time!!!

    So, here’s a little story about something that happened way back in 2015.

    As many of you know, I moved in early 2015. Well, when I did, I changed the address on my Amazon account, and I assumed that meant the address on my wishlist was changed, too. Nope.

    Long story short, right after I realized my error, I saw that 3 items had been purchased from my wishlist: a camera in April and two pairs of shoes. And where were those packages containing generous gifts from my clients delivered to? Yep, my old house.

    The next day I was in the neighborhood having a drink with a friend, so I decided to stop by my old place on the way home and ask about my packages. When I knocked on the door a woman answered, and I asked if she had received any packages for Annie. She looked kind of alarmed, then embarrassed, and then she said “Um…hold on…” and shut the door and left me standing on the porch for a few minutes. When she finally returned she said, “Yeah, um…I have your shoes, but I opened the boxes, and…um…well, um–hey, do you want to come in for a drink?”

    Of course I accepted, because why the fuck not?

    So I’m sitting on her (formerly my) living room floor, drinking her wine, and she’s trying to explain to me why the packages are open, but I’m pretty sure I know. She got someone else’s packages, and since she had no idea how to get in touch with that person, she said “fuck it,” and opened them. I get it. I told her it was totally cool, and curiosity probably would have gotten the better of me, too. She said she was glad I had showed up on her (formerly my) porch because she was having a moral dilemma about what to do with these super cute shoes that were her exact size but that weren’t meant for her. Anyway, hilarity ensued, and we hung out for like 4 hours drinking wine.

    At some point her boyfriend came home, and she took me up to her room (the upstairs bedroom, which you can see in my videos…well you could, until YouTube deleted them, because sitting on a bed fully clothed while unwrapping presents is against their prudish policies, I guess). She told me she wanted to hang out with me, but without him, so we went back to the bar for a bit, and then then back to her (formerly my) place again. Her boyfriend was still home, so she found some excuse to show me something upstairs again, and when I got up there, I realized why she was so keen to get me alone.

    If she couldn’t steal my shoes, she was gonna steal my heart, I guess.

    It was a little awkward, and her boyfriend started calling up the stairs to see what we were up to (I guess he was suspicious), so no, we didn’t get very far. But it was a great ending to an interesting night, and it made for a funny story ;)

    So, without further ado, here are the shoes:

     

    12789802_10154612341829202_341619755_o

     

    12810426_10154612347869202_1072713151_o

    It’s actually really hard to take pics of your own shoes, y’all.

    And the camera, with which I have taken several dirty polaroid pictures so far ;) Ask me to bring one to our next meeting if you want a souvenir!

    12810156_10154612358884202_1530505415_o

    None of the gifts came with notes (or perhaps she lost them?), but I know who sent the shoes. I’m not 100% sure who sent the camera, but I have a pretty good idea.

    ~FIN~

    Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes!

    Happy 2016 everyone! And happy Mardi Gras! It’s an early one this year…

    I’m looking forward to lots of changes this year. Last year was full of changes for me–I moved, made my very first Real Adult Purchase, and experienced the sudden absence of someone very dear to me. Here’s hoping this year is full of new and exciting challenges (instead of dreary, stressful ones, heh).

    And it seems to be panning out that way, with the exception of David Bowie’s departure from planet Earth and, presumably, his return to his home planet. He is a starman, after all…

    Here are just a few of the cool things that have happened so far this year:

    • I got a new puppy! (My dog is a little miffed that she’s no longer the center of my world, but she likes the new pup anyway)
    • I learned how to change the ignitor/”glow-rod” (lol) on a gas oven!
    • I got a Mckenzie’s king cake and ate almost the whole thing!
    • I got rid of about 1/2 of my stuff and donated it to Bridge House‘s thrift store!
    • I’ve decided to formally expand my services to include domination / BDSM!
    • I got a “work phone” so that clients have another way to reach me when I neglect my email inbox (as I am unfortunately prone to doing when I’m busy with life). If we’ve met previously and you want my number, shoot me an email and I’ll give it to you. For the rest of you, my number will now be available once you’ve passed my screening/verification ;)

    Help me out, guys! What would work better than “Calhoun”???

    Alsoooooo, I’ve decided it’s time for a name change. I love my first name (Annie), but I’ve never really identified with “Calhoun.” I adopted that surname when I first started working because 1) I used to live on a street adjacent to Calhoun St. in New Orleans, and 2) “Calhoun” is the surname of a couple of New Orleans socialites a friend and I found especially clueless, haha. But I’ve never really felt like it was “my” last name, and though it’s served me well, I’ve lately felt more and more feel like I’ve grown out of it. I’ve considered many sexy alternatives: Mansfield, Minx, Marlowe, Harlow, West, Taylor, Davis, Bancroft (I really, really, REALLY want to be Mrs. Robinson when I grown up…), but I’m having trouble picking one, and I know I’ve thought of a zillion others. I just need someone to narrow it down for me!! Just give me your input, damnit! Help me readers, you’re my only hope! Tell me what sounds sexy!! It kind of reminds me of when I had to pick a name for my dog. I had a list of 57 candidates, and it took me forever to choose the right one, hahah. Thank God this puppy came with a name–the rescue I got her from had already named her, and it’s a name I like.

    So…suggestions? You can comment anonymously below…

    To clarify: I am NOT changing my first name. I just want to change my last name. Let’s just say I’m a young, sex-starved divorcée and I’ve decided to go back to my maiden name ;)

    Change is good!

    BTW, if you haven’t seen Duncan Jones’s (he’s David Bowie’s son, FYI) film Moon, you’re missing out. At least, if you’re one of my fellow sci-fi geek friends (and y’all know who you are…). And Kevin Spacey–who I find really, really hot–is in it, so that’s a treat. Watch it! It’s well worth it. You can thank me (or debate me?) later :)

    New Photos taken today!

    Sooo a friend of mine came over this morning for pancakes, and we decided to take some photos. Mine were for all of you, and hers were for one lucky, very special boy (or maybe two!). I’m really tired of going through them all and trying to figure out which ones are the “best” ones, so I’m just gonna dump a bunch of them here. So, without further ado, here are a few pics my best friend took of me in the shower this morning, mere moments before we made pancakes:

    Stay tuned! We also took some of me in a new lingerie set I got, but I don’t feel like messing with images and watermarks and all that anymore tonight. I’ll upload them tomorrow though…and I won’t be obscured behind a shower curtain, I promise.*

    *Though the naughty bits will be partially obscured behind a really sexy bra & panty set. But maybe I’ll let you see what’s underneath if and when we meet ;P

    Open Rant to SexWork Prohibitionists Everywhere

    OK, I normally don’t show this side of myself here on my blog, but I think it would be disingenuous not to right now, given the recent (August 11th) announcement by Amnesty International that they now officially support decriminalization of all forms of sex work worldwide.  They’ve been discussing this for a while now, much to the chagrin of prostitution prohibitionist groups and the celebrities they’ve convinced to support them (under the guise of the “anti trafficking” cause).

    Sidenote:  the term “sex worker” refers to anyone who works in the sex industry:  escorts and courtesans, exotic dancers, cam performers, porn actors/actresses, full service providers, professional companions, pro-dommes, street workers, sensual massage providers, phone sex operators, etc.  The term does not apply to people in the business who do not provide the actual services (strip club managers, porn producers, escort agency owners/managers, etc.).

    Feminists?

    As a sex worker and an activist, I often run into prohibitionists who are absolutely married to the idea that no woman would ever choose to engage in full service sex work, and that any woman who does engage in it is being exploited by a man–be it her “pimp” or her “john” (yes, they use those words, even though those words aren’t really in widespread use among sex workers themselves).  They see sex work as inherently exploitative to women, and they see women as victims in need of rescue.  I refuse to call these people feminists–anyone who insists on infantilizing women and denying them agency is not a feminist.  Anyone who refuses to help women by working to secure labor rights for all workers is not a feminist.  Anyone who advocates police brutality against and confinement of poverty-stricken women so that they can be “reeducated” and “rehabilitated” into sweatshop workers is. not. a. fucking. feminist.

    “But what about the men?”

    “But wait,” you say.  “What about male sex workers?  Are they being exploited, too?  And for that matter, what about trans girls (‘TS’ in the biz, or ‘T-girls’)?”

    I can answer that in one (sort-of) word:  LOL.

    Prohibitionists prefer to ignore the fact that men are also sex workers.  It doesn’t fit their neat, clean predator/victim paradigm.  As for trans women, well…most anti-prostitution prohibitionists don’t consider them women at all.  I’m not sure they even know that trans guys exist.

    In their world, there are three kinds of people:

    1. heterosexual, male-assigned-at-birth men
    2. basically asexual female-assigned-at-birth women
    3. “enlightened” prostitution prohibitionists, er, “anti-trafficking activists”

    Oh yeah, and then there’s us.  By “us” I mean the people who support sex workers rights, and the rights of all adults to have consensual sex–to share our bodies in one of the most basic, personal, human ways available to us.  This is a basic human right that people of all stripes have been fighting for for years (even in the US, there are states that still have anti-sodomy laws on the books!), and anyone with any sense of logic and/or justice supports that right…except for when it comes to women and the exchange of money, because it’s just plain easier to see the fairer sex as weak, naive, innocent, and pure than to acknowledge that adult women are sexual beings with agency and ideas, desires, needs, and goals independent of men.

    The “Pimp Lobby”

    And you know what the prohibitionists call us? The “Pimp Lobby.” Because they refuse to believe that we are speaking our minds, or that female providers would actually–gasp!–defend the rights of adults to engage in consensual sex, regardless of the reason. They actually believe that we are “lobbyists” for “pimps.” They believe “pimps” control us sexually, financially, and ideologically. They believe that we are paid or coerced by men to pretend we have chosen this work. I’m not sure how they explain all the research (with sound methodology even!) that points to full decriminalization being the best approach, but I guess denial is a powerful thing. Powerful enough to convince prohibitionists to ignore evidence and soldier on with their mission to force a moralistic view that results in harm to real people.

    …Or maybe they don’t really believe it.  Maybe that’s just their way of convincing people to ignore us. Maybe that’s their way of persuading the public to completely disregard what is said by the people actually doing this type of labor–the very people these prohibitionists spend time and energy ostensibly trying to “protect”–since we don’t, in fact, want or need what they say we do.  Pretty sinister.

    So yes, you could say I’ve got a lot of pent-up anger for these people.  Especially since they refuse to listen to sex workers who speak out, and instead insist that our voices don’t count because we’re the privileged ones, the exceptions to the rule of poor imprisoned girls who are raped multiple times a day for their pimp’s profit.  Nevermind the illogical nature of this claim (Where are these millions of imprisoned girls?  Why are they never found?  And are there really that many men willing to pay to rape a woman?  As far as I know, the vast majority of rapists just rape–they’re not going to pay another man for something they can do for free.).

    “I’m not a sex worker, but I played one in a movie once…”

    Anyway, so on an article about all the Hollywood celebrities (some of whom played prostitutes in movies!  So, ya know, they know all about the reality of sex work) who signed an open letter penned by CATW International urging Amnesty International not to adopt any policy that supports the full decriminalization of the sex industry, one particularly stubborn person in the comments section posted a link to a document titled “Prostitution Statistics,” referring to it as “cold, hard facts” (good lord, please take a research methods course, stat):

    (Update: As of December 2016, the University of Hawaii has removed that document from their website. It appears that happened sometime within the last year–I don’t want to flatter myself, but I kinda hope someone on their web admin team noticed the sudden uptick in links to that page, which appeared to be nothing more than some undergrad’s improperly-sourced, slapped-together assignment. Too bad they didn’t do that before it was cited as a legitimate source by various nonprofits all over the internet. Still, if you’re interested, here’s an archived copy of it via the Wayback Machine.)

    I couldn’t help myself.  I went on a rant and couldn’t stop, and it became a rant to every and any of these people I’ve encountered or will encounter EVER.  And here it is:

    Oh, honey…those are not “facts,” much less cold, hard ones.

    I’m sorry, this is going to sound incredibly condescending, but what’s your education level? Because no one who knows a damn thing about research would post that link in an attempt to gain footing in an argument. That looks like an undergrad’s report on prostitution, sourced entirely from hooker rescue projects and modern “white slavery” hysteria. How the hell would they even come up with “Most prostitutes have been victimized, at some point in their lives, by sexual violence. More than 90% suffered childhood sexual abuse…” What? And really, why would that be the focus of anyone’s research? What would that accomplish? How would that help anyone? Sex workers don’t need to justify their reasons for engaging in consensual sex; their government needs to justify its reasons for criminalizing consensual sex between adults.

    And this: “At least 2/3 of prostitutes began working in prostitution before the age of 16” has been thoroughly debunked. The origins of that (and other similar “stats” you’ll hear, like “The average age of entry into prostitution is between 12 and 14”) are hard to track down, but as far as we can tell, they originate from a survey done in the early 80s with a very small sample size of participants taken exclusively from a program that worked with minors who had exchanged money for sexual services. As in, everyone participating in the survey was under 18, because that’s who the program/facility was there to serve. And then they averaged those numbers, claimed they were representative of the experiences of sex workers in general, or someone else misunderstood them. So the highest possible age of entry would be 17. Of course the average would be low. They never asked any adult sex workers their age of entry. And the media, law enforcement, advocacy groups, and people like you have been running with that number for 30 fucking years.

    What you don’t understand is that your view of sex workers shows a fundamental disrespect for women. When someone’s oppressed, you don’t help them by infantilizing them; you help them by arming them with rights, and by supporting them in their fight for those rights. You don’t want people to be exploited for their labor? You support them in their fight for labor rights, fair pay, legal protection, etc. I said it before, but maybe you didn’t catch it: no one gives a shit about all the human trafficking going on in agriculture, fishing, construction, and hotel housekeeping companies, but let’s say they did. You don’t want women slaving away, cleaning hundreds of toilets for 18 hours a day, while their boss holds their papers and their paychecks, all to pay some “debt” to a “job recruiter”? Let’s talk about immigration policy. Let’s talk about fair wages and labor laws. That’s what we’re talking about, after all: exploiting sex workers for their sexual labor. You don’t want women to have to have sex with men they don’t want to have sex with and then be forced to hand over their earnings to an abusive “pimp”? Fine. Decriminalize their work so that they don’t need “protection” (in the form of an abusive man who makes them work all day and takes their money) from police. And decriminalize their clients so they don’t need “protection” from, say, a man who can rest assured his victim won’t go to police to report him, and even if she did, she wouldn’t know his name, anyway. When your work and your clients aren’t criminalized, you can easily “screen” your clients before meeting with them—your client won’t be afraid to disclose identifying info because he’s not afraid of being arrested for meeting with you. You can also employ a bodyguard or driver without your client freaking out and thinking you’ve brought some dude there to kick his ass and rob him (because, when you and your client are not committing a criminal act, you can assume that both of you are law-abiding citizens, especially if you’ve screened him in advance), and without you AND said bodyguard/driver fearing that cops will mistake him for a “pimp.”

    I understand you’re fighting what you think is the good fight. Apparently, at some point in your life, you joined up with some rescue project and did some “work” that seemed incredibly important and life-affirming to you at the time. I don’t want to take that away from you—for all I know, you helped some people. But if you care about justice in the world, you will continue to educate yourself about the issues you claim to care about, no matter how much it hurts to find out you’re wrong. Decrim is the safest thing for all of us. Not just me (or other women you dismiss as “too privileged” to know anything about the business we’ve worked in for years). For ALL of us.

    There is no dichotomy of “happy hooker” and “sex slave forced to endure rape for someone else’s profit.” This topic is incredibly complex and nuanced. No, not everyone enjoys sex work. No, not everyone finds it empowering. No, not everyone would choose something else were it available (I wouldn’t). Yes, some of us were sexually abused as children (as were many teachers, lawyers, home makers, doctors, social workers, etc…). Yes, some of us started very young (though most of us start when we’re in our 30s or 40s). The point is that it doesn’t matter what our individual situations are, criminalization hurts ALL of us. And yes, that includes the Nordic model.

    I get where you’re coming from, though. When I first started working, I heard about the Nordic model, and honestly, I thought it sounded pretty damn good. I hadn’t been working long enough to understand how the business really works, and I sure as hell hadn’t discovered the sex workers’ rights movement. I was still indoctrinated with the media images and the statistics gleaned from sloppy, often unethical research. I didn’t have a “pimp,” and I didn’t know anyone who did, but I still assumed that the vast majority of sex workers were being forced to fuck dozens of men a day while some evil bastard kept their money and beat them for fun. So yeah, the Nordic model sounded awesome. Put those evil, money-grubbing fuckers in jail!

    While I didn’t have a “pimp,” when I first started escorting, I did have a “manager.” He was the guy who answered the phone and directed clients to one of the 10 or 15 girls at the agency. We set our own prices, and we spent as many hours as we wanted with each client. We sent him $100 for each client he referred to us. I didn’t even meet him in person until maybe 3 months after I started working for him, and by then I was already preparing to strike out on my own as an independent.

    Did you catch the fact that my manager would have counted as one of those “evil, money-grubbing fuckers” I imagined getting their due via the Nordic Model? I didn’t. Did you catch that I was, if you go by the definition of the loudest voices in this conversation, a “trafficking victim”? I didn’t catch that, either. I would NEVER claim to be one, but by THEIR definition—one of the many absurd ways prostitution prohibitionists define “trafficked”—I was a trafficking victim. They count all third parties as traffickers. If you are a sex worker helping to support your unemployed/unemployable/just f-in broke partner, non-minor child, or other adult family member who lives with you, that person can be considered a trafficker. If you are a migrant worker who voluntarily crosses borders to work independently, you are counted as a trafficking victim.

    Soon after that, I realized how wrong I was. But I admit I had a weird, visceral reaction to letting go of my “Jail the pimps!! Go after them!” position. I sort of wanted to cling to it. I don’t know why. Did I enjoy the boogeyman simplicity? Maybe. Or was I just trying to avoid the feeling of finding out I’d been had? I’m not sure. But I guess that’s what happens when you learn more about a subject, and you realize that the facts contradict what you’ve always thought to be true—what sources you’ve trusted have always told you was true.

    And the longer I’ve been in the biz, and the longer I’ve been an activist for sex workers’ rights, the more I’ve learned. There’s tons of data. There’s a reason Amnesty International, the World Health Organization and the Global Alliance Against Traffic in Women support us. And honestly, if you were to work in this business, you’d understand that common sense supports us.

    The truth is, this is a very, very old problem steeped in racism and xenophobia. In the 1910s they referred to it as White Slavery (see the Mann Act), and now it’s sex trafficking. Nevermind the fact that there are more than enough willing sex workers that there’s really no need to force women into it (I hate talking about supply and demand, because it’s so much more complex than that, but in the simplest of terms, the supply already meets the demand. Trust me, usually people are whining about how they aren’t getting enough business). And nevermind the fact that, even if supply didn’t meet demand, people don’t want to pay to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with them. Rapists don’t pay to rape people; rapists just rape. But we cling to this idea that there are zillions of women all over the world being kidnapped, drugged, and forced into prostitution while men profit. Why, even though the numbers (upon inspection, and not just taken at face value) show us that this isn’t true? Well, because a lot of people have a vested interest in keeping this moral panic alive. Follow the money: it usually leads to those pushing an agenda centered on female “purity,” or those who are directly profiting, i.e., the rescue industry (Hey there, Somaly Mam!).

    Please, please just stop talking about this until you’ve taken the time to listen to sex workers all over the world (Even in Eastern Europe and SE Asia!). Because you know the way you feel about your perspective? Like it’s a desperate situation and you have to fight, fight, fight for those who are in danger, are suffering injustices, and have far less privilege than you do? Yeah, that’s how I feel, too. Except people listen to you, and I’m the one who will have to deal with the consequences. They hurt me, they hurt my friends, and they hurt people all over the world every day. You’ll be able to walk away thinking you accomplished something, score 1 for the good guys, etc., and you’ll never have to look back, and you’ll never have to fully comprehend the mess you’ve made. And you’ll leave us to clean up, and then you’ll wonder why we’re so fucking angry with you.

    BTW, it may not please you to know that sex workers in poor, “developing” countries can and do organize for their rights, but it’s true! And look what they have to say about decrim! Listen to them!)

    And here’s more on “supply” and “demand,” in case it interests you. Here’s one on myths about sex trafficking and sex work (mostly about the Olympics, the World Cup, the Superbowl, and other major sports events being huge attractions for sex traffickers, etc., but there’s a lot of other good stuff in there, too) I found pretty fascinating too when I first got started on my mission to kick ass and take names until hookers all over the world are free to hook safely.

    And here’s a flippin’ awesome rant about the rescue industry and two of the biggest figures in it (Nikolas Kristoff and Somaly Mam).

    *

    And of course I got no response.  I never do.


    #rightsnotrescue

    Via Ava Grace in Brisbane:



    And here’s a little bit of perfection from Ava St. Claire:

    More unexpected kindness and generosity from clients…

    image

    I came home a couple weeks ago (I know, I know, I’m really behind on blogging) to find these gifts had arrived in the mail. Upon closer inspection, I discovered that they were from an incredibly sweet client I’ve been corresponding with.

    Just in case you can’t see in the image: it’s John Fowles’s The French Lieutenant’s Woman, and herb garden seeds that I had just added to my Amazon wish list. What a nice surprise. And I have the perfect sunny window for an herb garden in my new place :) I’ll take pics when they start looking like actual herbs, lol.

    Oh! And if you get a chance, and you’re so inclined, please show some kindness and generosity to the woman in Charleston, WV who shot and killed Neal Falls (a man now thought to be a serial killer responsible for the deaths of at least 9 escorts) in self defense.
    (Update: Fundraiser now over, thanks!!)

    It was like Christmas morning…

    Just one example of some of the amazing generosity I’ve been on the receiving end of lately:

    Presents for me!  Good ol' "St. Nick" brought me the following presents:  Pink Fendi bag, portable Bose speaker, Tom Ford Black Orchid set of eau de parfum and "hydrating emulsion" (or, as we plebes call it, lotion, lol) a book, and, of course, wine. <3 Good ol’ “St. Nick” brought me the following presents: Pink Fendi bag, portable Bose speaker, Tom Ford Black Orchid set of eau de parfum and “hydrating emulsion” (or, as we plebes call it, lotion, lol) a book (John Fowles’s The Magus), and, of course, wine. <3[/caption] I swear, it was like Christmas morning. And it was all such a surprise! I really wasn't expecting all of this, but I will admit it was a nice way to start a date ;) This is from way back on June 29th. I can't believe this month has gone by so fast. And I've received so many gifts in the mail from so many of you since then, it's made moving into my new place an absolute joy. If I haven't thanked you individually, please contact me, because that was either an oversight, or your gift never made it to me. I would never purposely not show my appreciation for a gift received, and if I didn't receive it, I would really, really like for you to know that so that you can get your money back. Anyway, I hate to say "it's the thought that counts," because that's a cliche, but what it all boils down to is (hahahah, see what I did there?): it warms my heart that you're thinking of me, and that you think highly enough of me to take time out of your day to bring happiness into mine. Thank you so much, all of you, for the gifts, for the time, and for your presence in my life.