So the other day, out of nowhere, I received this oddly poetic text from my friend Mistress Genevieve:
Never understood vibrating jelly sex toys.
Jelly is a shock absorber.
It ruins the effectiveness.
And that was it.
What? I get texts like this ALL THE TIME, y’all.
…From my mom, that is.
LOL ok, just kidding. I know, I know. Inappropriate and unfunny. But I crack myself up, so whatever.
Anyway, so that text segued into a conversation about sex toys. We both agreed that the jelly vibrators are not only pointless, but kinda icky. Then discussion broadened to include such topics as: Which sex toys we enjoy most, and which we enjoy least; which sex toys our friends say they enjoy most and least; which sex toys our lovers enjoy most and least; and which sex toys our clients seem to enjoy most and least. The conversation was quite the intellectual exchange.
A friend of mine works in a sex shop (I believe they used to call them “Adult Bookstores”). A really, really expensive sex shop, with really, really expensive toys. I am a loyal customer.
Cheap sex toys aren’t necessarily bad sex toys.
Some of us like simplicity. For instance, the best vibrator I ever had was a plain ol’ plastic (I think?) $11 phallus with a dial-thing at the end with which one (um…me) could adjust the speed/intensity of the vibrations. Man, I loved that thing.
(I’m not gonna describe what happened to it in the end–its unfortunate demise is far too painful to recall. I like to remember the good times we had together… :( )
I don’t understand the appeal of the space-age materials and stupid butterfly-wing or bunny-ear shaped jelly doodads sticking out of a vibrating phallus in some weird, overcomplicated mashup of a contraption obviously designed by someone who either:
- doesn’t know his way around a woman’s body, or
- has only ever watched a woman masturbate once in his entire life, and that was in the dark, so he couldn’t really tell wtf was going on.
I mean, do toys really need to be that complicated? Depending on the phase of the moon, my mood, the time of day, and how…um…”frisky” I’m feeling, I can get off in minutes with nothing but my own bare hands. So why are companies trying to sell us such intricate gizmos?
They would do much better to concentrate on the basics, and trust that we’ll know what to do with them.
Because, oh ye of little faith, we will.
Perhaps the odd trend of overcomplicated-sex-toys-for-women came from that weird era of Tupperware-party-style direct marketing a few years back. I remember my cousin was involved (I guess as a distributor?) in that a couple years ago, for about six months or so. I think the one she was doing was called Passion Parties, or something similar. Anyway, through facebook and in-person parties (I guess at her home in Georgia?), she was selling things like those overcomplicated, jelly-coated vibrating sex toys and vanilla-flavored “lube” (blowjob cream–because God knows if a gal doesn’t like sucking dick, allz ya gotta do is slather some artificially-flavored vanilla slime on your cock and she’ll be all over that shit!). It all just seems so…affected? Phony? Inauthentic? Silly?
Look, in my opinion, sex toys are supposed to aid in enjoyment. They’re not meant to take center-stage. If you expect them to do all the work, you risk disappointment.
Annie’s Sex Toy Philosophy
So, here are the basic tenets of my Sex Toy Philosophy:
- KISS: Keep It Simple, Stupid!
- The toy(s) is/are the supporting cast, not the star of the show.
- You don’t have to spend a zillion dollars to find something that makes your night (and don’t feel pressured to).
See, look at this gorgeously classic toy I just found on a site called Naughty but Nice: the L’Amour GlassTix Glass Vibrator with 10 Settings…I’ve never tried it, but it looks like something I’d like. Simple, elegant, graceful, quality. If you have any experience with glass vibrators, I’d love to hear from you in the comments section below!
By the way: I have tried this thing. It IS pretty cool…If things have been a bit boring lately, perhaps you should try it out with your lady friend* ASAP. Just don’t watch the instructional video that comes with it; it’s super cheesy. Anyway, if you need an instructional video, you’re not using your imagination ;)
*Yes, yes I did say “lady friend.” Deal with it.
Oh! I almost forgot:
The difference between jam and jelly is…